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Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 9:33:02 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

This may get some negative comments. but what about considering a "site" like bondage. or collarme. that only accepts ads from "DOMS" and that a "sub" can only contact a Dom and not visea versa..
A "sub' type posts an ad as she is looking for a "Dom" immediately she is flooded with hundreds of e-mails most ofwhich are from "wannabes" who just want sex with a hot "easy" female.
Admitted the "DOM" is in charge yet WE can only use that which is freely offered us from a sub. And in most "ads" its up to the "sub" to decide if she/he wants to meet the Dom anyway. I see no problem with a respectul sub "petitioning" to meet a possable "Dom" it would remove a LOT of the crap that they are receaving and allow them the sole means of checking a "Dom" out in a non-threatening/safe mannor by reading their "ad". Admittedly this probably would NOT work as one of the yahoo groups has been going threw some major changes recently as most of the "subs" that are listed there have no profiles and do not speak up . So the "groups" main intent of slaves seeking Masters is not working. ALL the "ad' sites allow for subs to contact Doms and yet most of them do not . I have replyed to hundreds of "ads" in the last 9 months and "fear" that most of those 'replys' have been lost in amongst the hundred of "wannabes" that are abusing this system. My question... is it just the "subs" submissive nature NOT to reply to a "Doms" ad and that they wish to be contacted ??

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

Post #: 1

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 9:42:52 AM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

If the idea is to keep females from getting swamped by men looking for "easy" women, this idea doesn't work when looking at the Fem Dom/male sub dynamic. Fem Doms get flooded too, so you'd have to only allow the male subs to post. Also, it doesn't address the issue for gay and lesbian dynamics.

But then, you could limit to whatever you wanted since it'd be your site.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 2

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 9:45:53 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Who is going to be the judge and jury on who is dominant and who is submissive?

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 3

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 9:58:48 AM

panthergoddess

Posts: 93
Joined: 1/11/2005
From: Bessemer City, NC USA
Status: offline

Hey I'm a Switch...where would I fit in?!? *smile*

_____________________________

"No good deed goes unpunished."

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 4

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 10:12:40 AM

Alexander

Posts: 159
Joined: 12/10/2004
Status: offline

Hello.

All over the country, as the commercial goes, people are meeting each other for the first time through internet dating services. Total strangers are just meeting and going to bars and engaging in totally normal flirtation in a face to face way.

Yet here, because we are intrinsically more "open" and our openness involves sexuality people are scared as hell. Scared of their own feelings, scared of how they will be taken. I had forgotten that some of these guys insist girls call them sir or master for a simple phone call. I had forgotten just how paranoid the online D/s dating circle is. I refuse to say sites like this don't work because we know people do meet but you can be very assured that the woman you are meeting here is also using the internet as her shield to be open with you about her inner self and keep you at arms length at the same time.

I refuse to downplay the importance of resources like collarme for giving people a look at just how many of us there are, and allowing us to network and find the scene itself. But when you think about it, you are more likely to meet a compatible submissive dating in the vanilla fashion with no prior knowledge of her background. Take her out, wine and dine her, court her like a man and then tell her what you are all about. ( I used to think THAT was a waste of my time, now I'm not so sure...) Lots of the girls who are submissives online establish 30 day or more "get to know you" periods before they even consider dating you. I have already had one of those get to know you sessions ended by a girl because I used the word 'dude' in a text message. (Even with the preface that I was kidding! Can you imagine if I said I liked hip-hop too?). Can you even imagine being made to talk to someone for 30 days before they will meet you for coffee outside this venue? That's paranoia and drama and in fact some of us "big Ds" who miss these tell tale signs are just asking for trouble of our own.

I'm far more analytical then most. Having something of a Gorean background I could say it's because I am of the scribes caste. (But I wont because its corny, oops I did.) My analysis? These sights are made to block human contact as much as they are to facilitate it. Many subs online are scared sh*tless to meet people but perfectly all right with revealing their subconcious desires to someone they will never meet (and their best naked shots as well!). For some of them it's because it's not something that’s natural inside them. For some of them what they really need is to control their environment more then they need to submit. That ought to make them question their nature to begin with but it doesn't. My dear local sub friend and I spent a few hours talking this over. Go local that's what I am saying. Start with a friend. Approach this life like it is life instead of a dark secret. (Directed at no one in particular).

I’m heading to the Lair in LA soon to see what there is to see. I bet I see some people there face to face and they don't freak out because I haven’t filled out the required forms. Oh who knows maybe they will.

I'm hoping they have a good lounge where people talk without whips or pre concieved notions of intimacy.

Intimacy.. Say it with me.. Intimacy.

Much love from the beach side community of Santa Barbara. The rain is great today. The gulls are in a mess and I can hear the ocean from my office. I hope the sun stays away. I don't buy really great coats for nothing.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 5

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 10:41:17 AM

Tempestspet

Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
Status: offline

I have a question for you, do you find then that subs do not contact doms? This has not been my experience. I have known subs to contact doms. However I have also seen it is just about as frequent that the "sub" is just as much of a wannabe that the dom conterpart can be. The sub, be they straight, gay, lesbian, female, or male is just as likely to be looking for a one time fantasy. Or in my opinion an online "life" that they may express that they wish to take into the real world, but they really don't. That's when you have the lies and deceit, they have to say they want to meet you...share naked photos (because they are exhibitionists....no problem there I am something of a voyeur) online fantasties and the whole 9 yards.... but they want no more to meet you, than you want to be disappointed by another fake...again.
It sucks, but I agree with Alexander, meet somewhere other than here if you are sick of getting wannabes and fakes. It may still happen out there, but the likelihood is much less. Join a real life, BDSM group, that has munches, functions.... events. There's lots of conventions to go see, things to do. Enjoy what others have provided for us to go do, see.
I know that there are people that met online, and it worked, but I do not believe that is the majority. This is a playground. A meeting place, for some, there are alot of very good people in here. Unfortuantely we have to wade through a lot of wannabes to find them.

I think I am done ranting...... sorry about that. I think there's a point in there somewhere.

..smiles...
Tempest's pet
Jennifer

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 6

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 10:50:59 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alexander
I refuse to say sites like this don't work because we know people do meet but you can be very assured that the woman you are meeting here is also using the internet as her shield to be open with you about her inner self and keep you at arms length at the same time.

God damn it, that was a fantastic post.

Welcome to the board...I'll be looking forward to more of your thoughts.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Alexander)

Post #: 7

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 10:57:31 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alexander
All over the country, as the commercial goes, people are meeting each other for the first time through internet dating services. Total strangers are just meeting and going to bars and engaging in totally normal flirtation in a face to face way.

Yet here, because we are intrinsically more "open" and our openness involves sexuality people are scared as hell. Scared of their own feelings, scared of how they will be taken. I had forgotten that some of these guys insist girls call them sir or master for a simple phone call. I had forgotten just how paranoid the online D/s dating circle is. I refuse to say sites like this don't work because we know people do meet but you can be very assured that the woman you are meeting here is also using the internet as her shield to be open with you about her inner self and keep you at arms length at the same time.

Intimacy.. Say it with me.. Intimacy.

Awesome Post... Thanks for saying it, I loved reading it. M

(in reply to Alexander)

Post #: 8

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 11:19:56 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

M. Alexander-

Wow- I could have written that. I mean, you did a much better job of expressing it, but it really landed smack on my ideas about the online/SM/singles melieu.

quote:

My analysis? These sights are made to block human contact as much as they are to facilitate it.

Quite so- if not made for that, they do seem to serve the purpose. I feel that many people use the huge market place of sites like this to wallow in indesicion, and i fact elinate choices in search of some perfect 'one', or more often, the one they can shoehorn into their fuzzy notion of a relationship.

quote:

But when you think about it, you are more likely to meet a compatible submissive dating in the vanilla fashion with no prior knowledge of her background. Take her out, wine and dine her, court her like a man and then tell her what you are all about. ( I used to think THAT was a waste of my time, now I'm not so sure...)

Most absolutely! I have had some element of this stuff in every relationship I have been in, since I was in High School, and by far the best of this stuff I have had was with people that I brought into it- and most of the relationships that came out of the scene were total disasters.

I recently had an ephiany of sorts ('a apostrophe! hit's like lightnin' all over me brain!') that I wasn't looking for a relationship- but I was seeking a person- a fully realised person- and if they were into this stuff it would be nice- but if they weren't we'd find our place and rythm of it as we found our relationship.

quote:

Go local that's what I am saying. Start with a friend. Approach this life like it is life instead of a dark secret.

Just brillant. Thank you. Of course, in my case I have expanded 'local' from a fifteen mile radius to a two hundred fifty mile radius, due to one particular extraordinary person I'll be meeting this weekend.

Regards from Long island, on the beach on the other ocean. It's unseasonably beautiful here on my Island today, and I am looking forward to a few more days of it before I have resort to expidition weight thermal underware again...

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to Alexander)

Post #: 9

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 11:23:23 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

M. Alexander-

Wow- I could have written that. I mean, you did a much better job of expressing it, but it really landed smack on my ideas about the online/SM/singles melieu.

This is probably going to sound silly and fawning, but when I read Alexander's post, my first thought was, "This all sounds like something Lawrence would say."

Taggard

< Message edited by TallDarkAndWitty -- 2/11/2005 11:24:34 AM >

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 10

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 11:25:37 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

This is probably going to sound silly and fawning, but when I read Alexander's post, my first thought was, "This all sounds like something Lawrence would say."

That's what I thought -except for the third person thing. of course<g>

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 11

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 12:04:12 PM

Alexander

Posts: 159
Joined: 12/10/2004
Status: offline

I take compliments about as well as I take a clip to the bridge of the nose. Thanks guys and in reply..

Strawberry Alice: You just kicked the shit out of an innocent man.
Little Bill Daggett: Innocent? Innocent of what?
Unforgiven. 1992

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 12

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 12:21:59 PM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

Welcome to the boards :) and concur ...great post.

Re the topic...as a Dom in control of Myself with little to no desires to randomly spam a 100 subs a day I wouldn't have a use for a site with a 'no initiating contact' blanket feature for Doms. For I've found most of the online friendships and subs/slaves I've kept speaking with were people I made contact with...not the other way around.

Jasmyn

(in reply to Alexander)

Post #: 13

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 1:02:18 PM

subboy603

Posts: 25
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

Yeah, the issue of getting flooded is generally a female one. I only know of a few men that got flooded, and usually it didn't last for more than a day or so.

Blasted wannabe doms and subs ruining it for everyone else...

(in reply to Jasmyn)

Post #: 14

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 2:29:03 PM

Bwana55419

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I understand that women get dumped on with a lot of mail that is a waste of their time, and I am certain any email I send out falls into that category.

I would still think if the ultimate goal is to meet someone who you are compatible with it would be best to play the numbers game on the off chance one of them is a keeper.

(in reply to subboy603)

Post #: 15

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 4:36:56 PM

NoPinkBalloons

Posts: 125
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alexander
Many subs online are scared sh*tless to meet people but perfectly all right with revealing their subconcious desires to someone they will never meet (and their best naked shots as well!).

I think the "safety nazi's" are the reason people are scared shitless, personally. We hear over and over again about all the horrible things that could happen to us (generic us, not restricted to role or gender). We hear about the necessity of safecalls (don't even get me started on THAT kettle of fish!), and not playing on the first date, and checking out references.

Heaven help you if you trust your gut and do what feels right for you, without all these safety nets in place. The safety nazis will hold you out as a shining example of what NOT to do. (I'm the quintessential example of everything they hate most, I think.)

I don't really have a point. I guzzled an appletini WAY too fast, and I"m rambling, but the whole safety nazi paradigm always makes me crazy.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

(in reply to Alexander)

Post #: 16

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 5:45:14 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NoPinkBalloons

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alexander
Many subs online are scared sh*tless to meet people but perfectly all right with revealing their subconcious desires to someone they will never meet (and their best naked shots as well!).

I think the "safety nazi's" are the reason people are scared shitless, personally. We hear over and over again about all the horrible things that could happen to us (generic us, not restricted to role or gender). We hear about the necessity of safecalls (don't even get me started on THAT kettle of fish!), and not playing on the first date, and checking out references.

Heaven help you if you trust your gut and do what feels right for you, without all these safety nets in place.

Loved your post too Miss NoPink (Sherri)...
I can't stand it either when people act like we are all like very young, mildly retarded, irresponsible/vulnerable people, who need our hands held every step, without the ability to make simple decisions (like don't get in stranger's car if he/she gives you the creeps). As for weather or not one plays on 1st meeting, shouldn't that be the decision betweent the 2 adults involved... M

(in reply to NoPinkBalloons)

Post #: 17

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/11/2005 7:00:43 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

I’m heading to the Lair in LA soon to see what there is to see. I bet I see some people there face to face and they don't freak out because I haven’t filled out the required forms.

Alexander,
Let us know when you'll be there. It's our favorite place to play and we always like to meet people in person from CollarMe.

(in reply to Alexander)

Post #: 18

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/12/2005 3:53:20 PM

DeadofKnight

Posts: 29
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline

Great topic Kinkypupper. Though, I feel your idea would not work any better than the way things work now. JMO

And Alexander, I agree with a lot of what you have said. Meeting people that are more local and getting involved in the local groups helps support them. You may find someone close to you by getting involved in you local scene.
There is a group near me that I assisted in founding several years ago. Even though I live in a town of just over one thousand, I know several here that are into different parts of this lifestyle living in this small town. And, the group I help get off the ground is over sixty miles away from where I live.

Other posters I agree with, for the most part, as well.

What I have done, and it has worked for me, was been to give them a different option. Knowing that female, subs/slaves et al, are very hesitant about making the first move, as in sending the first email or letter, I said in my profile, "If this interests you, add me to your favorites, I will notice. ", and I do notice. Several have shown their interest in this way. Some I had interest in, some I did not.

In fact, it has worked well. The girl I am talking with now did this, added me to her favorite users list. This showed me there was some type of interest and made it easier for both of us to begin communications. Even tho her profile was almost blank, it made me more inquisitive to find out about her. And I am glad I did, very glad I did.
But, even this is not a perfect way to find the one for you. Some that added me and then I sent them an opening email never to hear back from them. They still have me in their Favorite Users list and have read my mail to them. One even added me after I changed my profile to indicate I feel I have met my "one".

Sometimes you have to get creative and use all the tools at hand to reach your goal. Anything you can do to make it easier for them, the female sub/slave/service/bottoms et al, to show they have an interest is a "good" thing. So, be creative.

And, I don't mind if you use the approach that I did, if you feel comfortable with using it. Who knows, it may work for you too.

These are my views and my opinions. Please treat them as such.

Knight

< Message edited by DeadofKnight -- 3/5/2005 8:38:08 AM >

_____________________________

Knight

These are my views and my opinions. Please treat them as such.
If you'd like to ask a question of my posts, mail me here on Collarme.
Mutually collared with hesterprynne

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 19

RE: Perhaps a new way of "hooking up" - 2/12/2005 9:06:32 PM

GentleLady

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alexander

Hello.

All over the country, as the commercial goes, people are meeting each other for the first time through internet dating services. Total strangers are just meeting and going to bars and engaging in totally normal flirtation in a face to face way.
....
Intimacy.. Say it with me.. Intimacy.

Much love from the beach side community of Santa Barbara. The rain is great today. The gulls are in a mess and I can hear the ocean from my office. I hope the sun stays away. I don't buy really great coats for nothing.

Well I was going to comment on how great a post this was but at this point that would be redundant....*chuckles*....anyhow Alexander, You put it differently then I would have but You said what I would have if I could have worded it right.

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to Alexander)

Post #: 20

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