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Relationship question.... - 2/11/2005 12:47:03 PM

poeticism

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

My g/f is the greatest person in the world....we love each other alot, but she does not talk or communicate her feelings very well....
She has been researching the BDSM lifestyle since before we got together and she has decided to metion to me now since she is now seeing a Dom.
I know at times, I get overanalytical about things and I tend to worry too much. I am just curious since I am a "vanilla" would it still work between me and her, or would he be more satisfying end of this relationship and I should not bother trying to continue.
Like I said, I love my g/f alot and she says that she loves me. Her Dom tries to take my feelings into consideration with her's, but not too much or it will defeat the purpose of there meetings...which is underatandable.
Her Dom is married and seems (from what she tells me because tries to exclude me from this part of her life because I am extremely curious about it) like a level-headed decent guy and I am glad that she found someone like him to "train"(I don't know if that would be the right term to use) her for this lifestyle.
I told her that if this is what will make her happy, then she should stick with it, but I just don't like the fact now that she spend more time with him online than with me in person sometimes. They talk alot and since he "knows" what she wants, does that make me any less important in her life...?
I don't know...sometimes...I wish she would talk to me more, but at the same time I understand her "distance" from me since this all new to her too...
I just don't want to be try to keep something alive that is destined to die nor do I want her to be stuck with me if I eventually only make her unhappy or she will fall out of love with me and into love with him because from what I understand from other people is that she is suppose to love him and bond with him stronger than anyone else regardless of what sacrifice she has to make to do that...I don't know if that sounds exactly......right?......I don't know the exact word to use....
Any suggestions, comments, any would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for readin my rambling, but I figured that if I could ask anyone about this, it would be people who have a better understanding of it than I do.

Post #: 1

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/11/2005 12:59:56 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

A question: Since your here (meaning this forum and online) and you're reading and looking into the lifestyle and are, at your own admission, fascinated by it, are you so sure that you're vanilla?

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 2

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/11/2005 1:00:05 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poeticism
Any suggestions, comments, any would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for readin my rambling, but I figured that if I could ask anyone about this, it would be people who have a better understanding of it than I do.

(Take this for what it is worth...I am a polyamorous freak of nature who broke the one jealous bone in my body many years ago.)

In my opinion, it can work, IF there is constant and honest communication between you and your girlfriend.

For me, BDSM is not about romance or love. I am not looking to marry a girl or boy I train. I am certainly not looking to take love or romance away from any girl or boy I would train. For me, BDSM is a base need that I fulfil in a non-romantic fasion.

If this is what your girlfriend is doing, then you can provide her with the love and romance and delight of everything non-BDSM. Show her that you have as much to offer as her Dom, just not in the same way. Be funny and charming and considerate and loving and she might just spend a little less time online.

Second, you need to make sure you are not sitting around waiting for her to finish with her online session. Get a hobby...take up a sport...improve yourself and she will notice.

The bottom line is that your girlfriend might have some very special needs that can not be met by a normal relationship. If you can provide her with the support she needs, she will appreciate that as well.

It isn't easy, but it just might be worth it...

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 3

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/11/2005 1:02:56 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

What turn do you want your relationship to take? How far will you go? Have you spoken to her, would she work with you if you wanted to learn about the lifestyle.

In my opinion there are no married Doms. At least not ones married to other's. They are called tops. The emotional attachment is not there.

Doesn't mean she won't fall for him either. He may be worried you will take her from him if you learn. She needs to decide what she wants out of life and communicate it to you.

Whatever decision is made it isn't going to be easy for either of you. You've found this site, so that sort of tells me you are ready to make it work. Do you find a dominant bone in your body at all? Then again, you have to know if you started practicing the lifestyle you would be acceptable to her.
Just ask.
There are going to be hurt feelings no matter which way you turn. At least if you find out, you can pass this phase and start going forward again.

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 4

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/11/2005 1:07:06 PM

panthergoddess

Posts: 93
Joined: 1/11/2005
From: Bessemer City, NC USA
Status: offline

Is her Dom training her online, in person, or both? If it's online, I'd suggest you find a way to talk to her online. Let her know up front that it is you, don't try to trick her. But have conversations with her online just as the Dom is doing with her. I have several friends who can spill their guts online in a journal or on the phone but freeze when face to face. Your lady may be that way. Not saying it's good or bad but it does require you to be a bit more creative in communicating with her. Not everyone is a verbal person.

also, Have you discussed the possibility of you exporing the lifestyle as well. Perhaps she can ask her Dom to take you on as a novice Top and train you to be an equal while still keeping her as a sub. I've taken on couples in this way before. And I must say that it not only helped me become a better Mistress and slave (as I am able to be both in my efforts to teach a novice equal) but it also helped their relationships and they all moved on to have their own more intimate kinky fun and far beyond just the kinky fun....the actual lifestyle. OS perhaps that could be a possibility for you both.

_____________________________

"No good deed goes unpunished."

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 5

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/11/2005 1:21:47 PM

ruffnecksbabygir

Posts: 412
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

Ass Worship

Watersports

Rubber Fetish

Spanking

Female Supremacy

Are the interests you have listed in your profile....for a "vanilla" guy you sure are kinky!

have you ever thought about maybe joining her in this journey?

_____________________________

~hugs~
Babygirl

:Disclaimer: The above is only this slave's opinion:

"And Those Who Danced Were Thought To Be Quite Insane By Those Who Could Not Hear The Music" -- Angela Monet

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 6

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/11/2005 5:55:24 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poeticism
She has been researching the BDSM lifestyle since before we got together and she has decided to metion to me now since she is now seeing a Dom.

I am a "vanilla" would it still work between me and her, or would he be more satisfying end of this relationship and I should not bother trying to continue.
Like I said, I love my g/f alot and she says that she loves me.

... It sounds to me like you need to consider your comfort zone when it comes to being cuckolded, because it sounds like you may be well on your way, since you 2 love each other so much (though I'm kind of particular about love: I don't believe my man loves me if he's getting his freak on elsewhere, and forgets to mention it beforehand), and she definitely wants a Dom, has a Dom, and it isn't you...

I saw your profile... It doesn't look vanila at all; in fact your picture says you are what your profile describes you as (a male slave), as do your words here to me, BUT I could be wrong. Good luck, M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 2/11/2005 10:22:53 PM >

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 7

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 10:38:46 AM

poeticism

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

I want to be wanted......is that too much to ask....?

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 8

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 10:46:28 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poeticism

I want to be wanted......is that too much to ask....?

I suppose that depends. Are you worthy of being wanted? More importantly, are you worthy of being wanted by the one you want to want you? Are you willing to improve yourself if you are not?

Life doesn't make people want you...sometimes you have to make yourself desirable...

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 9

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 11:12:15 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Ask her to contact her "dom" and go with her to her next meeting..
watch and learn..

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 10

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 11:54:21 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poeticism
I want to be wanted......is that too much to ask....?

It is definitely NOT too much to ask... You be become much more desirable though when you see yourself as a person of value and worthy of the kind of love you need/deserve.
Sometimes, we convince ourselves we love what we have, because it's too uncomfortable to risk being alone, and take a chance on not being loved... In my view though, to stay is more hurtful than to go, but that is only because I don't like a ton of suffering without feeling there is a light at the end of the tunnel...

I hope you'll either learn to love your current situation, including taking Kinkipupper's advice of going with your girfriend to her Dom to watch/learn, or have the self love/courage to leave and find what you need. Good Luck, M

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 11

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 12:15:29 PM

knkywch

Posts: 53
Joined: 7/23/2004
From: Cal-iFORN-eye-yay
Status: offline

Um poeticism... does your girlfriend identify as a bottom/submissive/slave? If you are both identifying as bottoms, that could be an issue... She is "seeing" a Dom (or in electronic communication with one)? Why? Is she training to be dominant or submissive? Have the two of you discussed how, if at all, erotic power exchange would manifest in your gf/bf relationship? Have you asked her if she wants to stay in relationship with you and what she wants that to look like? Have you communicated to her your vision of the relationship and where you would like it to go?

IMHO, love (contrary to popular opinion) does NOT conquer all. Love is a stand-alone thing. To be in relationship, love is a nice thing, but logistical compatibility is a major key. If you don't share a common vision or common values, if you don't have some interests in common such that you can have fun and communicate on multiple levels, if you cannot spend enough time together to feel mutually satisfying, things are going to feel "bumpy" to say the least. And just loving the other person won't fix those problems. I love a lot of people, but I'm not in a significant other relationship with them. I love a lot of people, but I don't live with them. See what I mean? Look at the logistics (time, space, roles, goals, and so forth) with your g/f. Are they compatible? If so, cool! Continue and see where you two go together. If not, you can certainly keep loving... just let go and free yourselves to manifest the logistics that will bring you both joy.

My two pennies...

kw

_____________________________

I don't think I'm gay. I don't think I'm straight. I think I'm just slutty. Where's MY parade? -Margaret Cho-

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 12

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 2:31:01 PM

poeticism

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

I think that I am a highly desirable person...
I have alot to offer people and I have developed a steady stream of activities in which I occupy myself consrtuctively with. If what I do to pass my time doesn't satisfy her the way she likes, I wish she would discuss it with me, but at the current point in time, he is all she is focused on (not sure because of him or her). I would want to go and see them play. I think it would be a really fascinating experience.
My g/f does not want me to have anything to with what she has with her dom. I do not know if it is her or him, but that is that way she wants it. She doesn't want me to be a part of it because she says it will change me, or make her feel weird, but I think she is just saying that in hopes I won't pursue my own curisosity.
I don't know exactly what he is teaching her or what she wants to learn. I juat know what she tells me and she subs for him. Again, she does not discuss anything....I mean ANYTHING with me. That is why she has him. She believes that he just knows what she wants. He might as a sub, yes, but I don't think he knows completely what she wants a person unless she is a expressing that to him. I know that she has never really been good with talking to people about her feelings, but if she has that comfort with him after the very short time they have known each other, then at least she has someone to talk to.
I think I have came to the conclusion that maybe it is better that I do leave because everyday she spaces herself farther away from me. Things that we do together I feel are not ejoyed by her because I get this vibe that she feels that she "has to" do them with me and not always "want to." I am not saying that is the case all the time, but sometimes I feel that way.
I have alot of feelings for her and I know I have done things that have broke her heart and she has done things to break mine, but I have always believed that with time and patience that anything is possible.
It's just sometimes, how long should you wait before you finally decide to give up.
Some people tell me that it is highly unusual that she is not wanting to help me understand this much. I know that it may not be easy for her to talk about. People also tell me that it is unusual that he would not want to talk to me about it either, but I think on that part, it is just her not wanting to talk to him for fear I will be rude or might push him away. I just want to talk to him about all of this.I would not be rude or inconsiderate because I wouldn't want to risk what the two of them have. He has suggested to her about training me, but she turned the idea down. He will at times (from what she says) that I do leave things in the car from to time (like my spiked bracelet which he was fascinated with but she was trying to assure him that I was only a fashion statement).
All I want is just understand. I know that everything is not meant to be understood, but if you have an inner yearning for something, why not try to pursue it right? That is what I am doing.....just as she has. I don't want to think that I am I want to participate because of her, but she doesn't know that I have had this "curiosity" about the lifestyle for quite some time. I don't wear collars and slothes with straps because it is the passing teen craze. I often wonder what it is like to be physically restrained because I know that limiting or taking away some sense really enhances others.
Ok...I am done rambling. I want to take this time to thank everyone for their advice and suggestions. It is greatly appreciated.

_____________________________

"My only desire....to bridge our division...
Seek me...for comfort....
Seek me...for solace....."
-KSE

www.flashbuilder.net/users/dannybbb

(in reply to knkywch)

Post #: 13

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 4:33:20 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poeticism
at the current point in time, he is all she is focused on (not sure because of him or her). I would want to go and see them play.
My g/f does not want me to have anything to with what she has with her dom. She doesn't want me to be a part of it

Again, she does not discuss anything....I mean ANYTHING with me. That is why she has him. She believes that he just knows what she wants. He might as a sub, yes, but I don't think he knows completely what she wants a person unless she is a expressing that to him. I know that she has never really been good with talking to people about her feelings, but if she has that comfort with him after the very short time they have known each other, then at least she has someone to talk to.
I think I have came to the conclusion that maybe it is better that I do leave because everyday she spaces herself farther away from me.

I know that it may not be easy for her to talk about. People also tell me that it is unusual that he would not want to talk to me about it either, but I think on that part, it is just her not wanting to talk to him for fear I will be rude or might push him away. I just want to talk to him about all of this.

Is it me or is this what's commonly referred to as CHEATING? There's nothing wrong with knowing your significant other is doing private things with other people if you enjoy that kind of thing, but It seems to me that you are NOT enjoying any of this, and yet try to rationalize your staying by saying she's a poor communicator.

I think she's communicating very well, and I think that you perhaps don't want to hear what she's saying... Am sorry if that seems harsh, but I think everyone who reads your post (would say they have a pretty good glimpse at her ability to take care of her wants/needs by COMMUNICATING.
May I also suggest reading thread "love Him...hate Him" under ask a Mater Forum... M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 2/14/2005 4:35:49 PM >

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 14

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 5:56:35 PM

knkywch

Posts: 53
Joined: 7/23/2004
From: Cal-iFORN-eye-yay
Status: offline

quote:

Is it me or is this what's commonly referred to as CHEATING?
<snip>
I think she's communicating very well, and I think that you perhaps don't want to hear what she's saying... Am sorry if that seems harsh...

Uh, I have to agree. The whole secrets thing is a huge glow-in-the-dark RED flag. Seems your gut is saying, "go" and what you are asking is "when"... Sounds like she's already gone. If she's got issues sharing what's going on with the other relationship, chances are you aren't sharing enough emotional intimacy to satisfy staying connected with her at this level. You're not telling her about your curiosity and explorations and she's not telling you what's going on with her and the Dom. Withholding information is a type of lie... lie of omission. Do you really want to be with someone when you both aren't willing to be vulnerable around sexuality?

Are you getting YOUR needs met in this relationship? My guess is no.

You can love her, forgive her, and set her free. Make room for someone to enter your life with whom you can joyously dance in openness and honesty. You deserve it.

Regards,
kw

_____________________________

I don't think I'm gay. I don't think I'm straight. I think I'm just slutty. Where's MY parade? -Margaret Cho-

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 15

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 6:42:25 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Ummmm so she is seeing a Dom? well what exactly are they doing? Is she cheating on you are getting sessions that don't envolve sex?
After all, what if she was just seeing a massage therapist for massages? Would that bother you?

A non sexual session is pretty much the same thing as a massage session.
So she keeps seeing a massage therapist. Would that make you be interested in Massage, Shasitsu, and fragrance oil?

For now I only think she is experimenting with the lifestyle and perhaps finding her likes, dislikes, and interest. Since she is still staying with you I'm willing to venture that she will let you know when she would like for you to get more envolved with BDSM. For now she is just trying to see what it's like before she does it with you.

After all, perhaps she is thinking of a suprise for you. Maybe she wants to be the Dom in your life. Since I don't know you I can't tell the true intentions. Just be patient for now and see where things are in three months. Then it'll be time to say something.

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 16

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/14/2005 9:31:04 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet
Ummmm so she is seeing a Dom?
After all, what if she was just seeing a massage therapist for massages? Would that bother you?

A non sexual session is pretty much the same thing as a massage session.
So she keeps seeing a massage therapist. Would that make you be interested in Massage, Shasitsu, and fragrance oil?

After all, perhaps she is thinking of a suprise for you. Maybe she wants to be the Dom in your life.

LOL, Good one Fangs...
I don't know about your massages, but the ones I know of don't involve top secret and over how long a period of time (that even after it's discovered I'm seeing this Masseur, I cannot reveal him to my lover) and definitely with person who is doing things to arouse me, or maybe he's teaching her how to wash his dishes?...
... I hope the poet believes your version, because it would feel better. M

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 17

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/15/2005 5:04:54 PM

knkywch

Posts: 53
Joined: 7/23/2004
From: Cal-iFORN-eye-yay
Status: offline

Yeah, I have to agree with BlkTallFullfig on this one. If the relationship were a healthy one, there would be enough exchange of information such that the poet wouldn't be considering splitsville.

Even if she were planning a surprise, she could at least tell him that what she is doing is for their (hers and poet's) relationship and not have him feel so separate and removed.

If a surprise puts the relationship in jeopardy, is it worth it? I mean, if she really cares about poeticism, I would think she would not insist on withholding information when he's clearly agitated and worried about whether her relationship with the Dom is significantly impacting their gf/bf relationship. In the original post, the poet mentions that she is spending increasing amounts of time with the Dom. IMHO, if I am spending more time interacting with another erotic power exchange partner than I am spending with my SO and that is causing my SO to feel concerned, it is a problem.

kw

_____________________________

I don't think I'm gay. I don't think I'm straight. I think I'm just slutty. Where's MY parade? -Margaret Cho-

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 18

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/15/2005 6:25:58 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Poeticism's profile says he's a slave. Perhaps she does love him. On the other hand perhaps she dosen't want to hurt his feelings and dosen't want to say good bye.

Either way I belive this chick is wanting have her cake and eat it to.
So Poetic, either be a slave and take it or stand up and say "this shits needs to change or we need to end this"

"Though I love the girl I know, the best this for me to break her hart" some song.

The only way for your problem to be fixed is if you do it yourself. We can't do it for you.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to poeticism)

Post #: 19

RE: Relationship question.... - 2/16/2005 6:00:02 AM

lateralist

Posts: 10
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

I agree with everything that everyone has written but I might be able to put another slant on your dilema. First of all don't give up. You have a very special relationship and it is worth it to develop it in any way you can. Reading what you say makes me think that you might be submissive to her.
Now that might cause you both a problem if she is truly submissive but she may actually be Domme or Switch especially with you. It is almost impossible for her to know at the start of the journey. A lot of Dom/mes start out as sub because it is the more appropriate role for a newbie. So you need to give her confidence that she can play with you. I am not necessarily talking about physical play. I started as sub app 2 years ago. I am now a fully fledged Domme with a tendency to switch in some areas for the very special alpha male. I have a husband who insists he isn't lifestyle and that may or may not be true it isn't really an issue anymore. We just love each other and compromise to each others needs on a minute to minute basis. I am completely honest with him and have stopped expecting him to hit me or walk out everytime I tell him something that I think he might not like. He doesn't get turned on by my activities but he accepts them as part of who I am. The reason your girlfriend may not be able to talk to you about her feelings is that she may feel guilty and scared. It is your job to try and help her not to feel like that. If you can do it then you know that you really love her and are prepared to meet her needs.
You may find that this lifestyle is not good for either of you. You may find that one or the other of you needs other relationships. You may find that both you and her are happy in the lifestyle and enjoy your relationship whatever label you end up putting on it. As long as everything is consensual and you know one another better than anyone else so you have the best chance of knowing. Then you will have one hell of a happy time together.
Try and enjoy it for now not the future. There are only two things that you need to plan for the future, finances and if you want children. The rest enjoy today and let the future take care of itself. My bet is that you will really enjoy your life and that after all is what it is all about. Take care. Mistress Lizbeth

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 20

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