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new games and trials - 2/11/2005 9:05:07 PM   
blank


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		just found out my lady wants to sub. wants me to dom. not something i would have asked for... but something i don/t mind. feel a bit odd, deliberately NOT caring for her pleasure. i have loved her for years, and i feel strange about ORDERING her, yet i know that is what she wants. but since it's not something i would desire for myself, i find myself without any clue as to what to do next. i can't just memorize a scene, whe wants this to be our lifestyle, and i'm ok with that. but i have no fantasies to rely on. i haven't read literature, or seen movies based in this lifestyle. i shall visit here to read of others, and visit "ask a sub" to hear the other point of view... but i feel totally unworthy to be her dom. and of course, way too possesive to let anyone else try it. any helpful hints for the guy chosen to own a beautiful woman with a sharp mind, and who only knows how to love her for her?
hope ya'll can help, but am confident we'll manage in time.
thanks.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: new games and trials - 2/11/2005 9:25:26 PM   
Atavist


Posts: 124
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blank

just found out my lady wants to sub. wants me to dom. not something i would have asked for... but something i don/t mind. feel a bit odd, deliberately NOT caring for her pleasure.


Leaving aside the issue of whether you can ever truely Dom your wife if it isn't something natural to you, you have at least one misconception about what it is to "Dom" a submissive.

Many Doms care very much about the pleasure of their submissive, I know I do. I'd venture to say most Doms do. Secondly, you don't have to "memorize a scene". Why not enjoy an experience with her that is uniquely your own?

Start learning by erasing all of the stereotypes that you've accumulated about bdsm. Then I suggest you do some reading and some soul searching. Your lady has given you a gift, she's opened a door and told you what it is that she wants and perhaps needs. Its a great adventure that both of you can embark on together. Good luck.

(in reply to blank)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: new games and trials - 2/11/2005 10:26:41 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		You are not alone, you might find the following threads helpful.

help required

how to introduce power exchange.....

My suggestion would be to let her "top from the bottom" for awhile to help you learn what she enjoys. I did this for Hubby and it worked well. We also watched a few bondage videos together, and i showed Him some websites that helped Him. He was unsure at first but is loving it now.


_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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Profile   Post #: 3
RE: new games and trials - 2/11/2005 10:31:00 PM   
stripmaster


Posts: 16
Joined: 1/2/2005
Status: offline 		You lucky sucker,
Now you can enjoy what most of use here seek, a beautiful woman inside and out that needs to serve and be controlled by the one they love. So you feel uncomfortable, that’s understandable because your switching your way you talk and enter react with each other. 1st the key to any healthy relationship is communication. So setup times that is just for open discussion. BDSM is as much about getting into her mind as it is controlling her body. I always like to learn as much as I can about them as for their fears, dreams and needs. Then blend the things that I love to do with the ones that fulfill their needs. Think of her as a thirteen year old who thinks she knows every thing and needs a good spanking every 5hrs. to remind her who’s in charge. Give her a safety word or jester for when the play gets to intense. NEVER BACK DOWN; it’s like a fight with the local bully on the block. If she senses that you will not hold your ground she will attack you instead of you mantaining the upper hand. Phrase her with words and touches only when she has done exactly what she was told to do. A Master's touch and a Master's voice are two of the most powerful tools he has to use. Do not expect her to be a perfect submissive and she shouldn’t expect you to be a perfect Dom; mistakes will be made on both sides. If you feel unworthy that should mean you will work very hard at becoming the best Dom you can be. I’m from the old school and think what they wear, how they talk, and how they act around me should always show submissiveness. If your wife hasn’t put on that sexy dress in a long while, make her wear it. Take her out on the town or to dinner, with a butt plug in her, or no panties. I have fun taking mine shopping for sexy clothes and picking out the ones I like and making her try them on for me in the store before we buy them. I'm sure in the past you always asked "honey were do you want to go for dinner? or what movie do you want to see". Now you just go to the place you want to eat, order for her if you chose, tell here she's not allowed to speak unless you tell her too. Have her go to the ball game or movie you want. Heck I like making mine play golf with me and I always had her wash and tee my ball up for me. She handed my my clubs and I found plenty of times were I could spank her ass your twist her nipple while we were playing. If you want a ton of ideas to do at home or outside just let me know. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.


_____________________________

Spare the rod and spoil the slave

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Profile   Post #: 4
RE: new games and trials - 2/12/2005 7:51:08 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

i can't just memorize a scene, whe wants this to be our lifestyle, and i'm ok with that. but i have no fantasies to rely on.


blank,
Like a canvas? Just think what Leonardo da' Vinci did with one of those?

Anyway, don't try to memorize a scene. Scripted scenes are shallow and lack emotion, which is why the majority of BDSM movies are boring. When I have a session with beth, I never know how it will progress, or end. It's part of the mind play. We'll lay all our toys out and maybe after an few hours, I've used only 2-3 or 1. When I begin, I don't know; but when I end we are both very pleased and satisfied, and may not even remember what was used.

You can be trained to know how to use 'toys' but it's up to you to develop your mind. TALK to your lady. Make sure you both are confident that each will tell the other your feelings. Feelings about what you are doing, what you want to do. You are in Oklahoma. Find a group. Attend, talk with other couples. Find out how they started. Often we take new couples to clubs in LA and tell them not to expect to 'play' but just observe others and see if you see anything you'd like to do. Not to surprising so far 100% of these 'newbies' end up playing in some manner the first night, even though they swore they wouldn't. The dynamic sensual/sexual energy of others is infectious.

Fantasies are usually based on something you've witnessed, read about, or heard about. Without those references it's not surprising you have no lifestyle fantasies. Most vanilla society references to the BDSM lifestyle are negative. Portrayal of people participating in the lifestyle usually includes some kind of psychological problem. Even the oft referenced 'The Secretary" has a self effacing, 'cutter' as the sub, and an OCD, somewhat paranoid dom. It's NOT a profile of reality, the majority, or even a large portion of the minority.

If you can't find a local club or group, talk to other couples on line. Ask your questions. Truly none are too dumb.

And HAVE FUN! Enjoy the journey, as well as the destination your seek.

(in reply to blank)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: new games and trials - 2/15/2005 5:32:23 PM   
knkywch


Posts: 53
Joined: 7/23/2004
From: Cal-iFORN-eye-yay
Status: offline 		Blank:

When you were a kid, did you ever play cops n robbers or house or anything? You know, playing pretend, make-believe? This stuff is kinda like that. It's about letting yourself get creative and play -- only now you are more overtly playing with power. She wants to surrender hers to you... let you take the reins for a while, so to speak. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to KNOW WHAT YOU WANT and then DRIVE the make-believe time. Get clear on the stuff that pleases you. Get clear on what you want to see, to feel, to do, to taste, and so forth. That's the starting point if you want to be dominant. For the driving bit, you need to find out what SHE wants, what pleases her... as well as what interests but scares her and what repulses and upsets her. You want to structure play time so that you don't go to the repulse/upset stuff. Chances are that some things you want will overlap with what she wants or possibly what interests but might scare her a bit. That is the sweet spot to play in. Some suggestions:

Start with dabbling in "rough sex" -- primal, animal energy. Try pinning her down. Try snaking your hand up the back of her neck, into her hair. Grab a handful of hair and pull a bit -- you can control her head that way. Might feel very powerful to try. Back her up against a wall and with your knee, move her legs apart... perhaps have her riding your knee. Hold her wrists (above her, at her sides, whatever feels good for you and not painful for her) and kiss her deeply... or tease her and don't! Perhaps nuzzle her neck, growl, nibble or bite a little... hmm, maybe mark her with a hickey (you might need to chat with her about marks that might show later...)

Read. Lots of good informative books out there. Start with going to Greenery Press (www.greenerypress.com) and checking out The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book. Also, Jay Wiseman's SM 101 is a good book on the basics. Another book I recommend is Different Loving. There are lots of good ones out there.

Have a conversation with your beloved about her fantasies, what she thinks it might look like for you to top or dominate her. Don't necessarily ask her questions. Make your inquiries more directive. "Tell me one of your oldest sexual fantasies." "Describe for me some of the things you want me to do to you."

Experiment with her body a little. Try spanking her and asking her to tell you how it feels on a scale from 1 (barely nothing) to 10 (OUCH! TOO MUCH!). You want to try and warm her up with a level 2 to 6, then try throwing in a few from 7 to 9 swats to surprise her. Perhaps experiment with little pinches or scratching with your fingernails. You can try other forms of sensation too (feathers, hairbrushes, ice... ) to see how she responds.

Try blindfolding her, putting her on your bed naked, then touching and teasing her body... see if you can make her beg for you to fuck her or give her an orgasm!

I think coming to this forum is a good idea. LOTS of resources. I hope we are able to help you get started on the path to erotic power exchange.

Regards,
kw

_____________________________

I don't think I'm gay. I don't think I'm straight. I think I'm just slutty. Where's MY parade? -Margaret Cho-

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: new games and trials - 2/15/2005 6:02:43 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blank

just found out my lady wants to sub. wants me to dom. not something i would have asked for... but something i don/t mind. feel a bit odd, deliberately NOT caring for her pleasure. i have loved her for years, and i feel strange about ORDERING her, yet i know that is what she wants. but since it's not something i would desire for myself, i find myself without any clue as to what to do next. i can't just memorize a scene, whe wants this to be our lifestyle, and i'm ok with that. but i have no fantasies to rely on. i haven't read literature, or seen movies based in this lifestyle. i shall visit here to read of others, and visit "ask a sub" to hear the other point of view... but i feel totally unworthy to be her dom. and of course, way too possesive to let anyone else try it. any helpful hints for the guy chosen to own a beautiful woman with a sharp mind, and who only knows how to love her for her?
hope ya'll can help, but am confident we'll manage in time.
thanks.


I think the fact that you're secure enough in yourself to ask for direction, opinion and advice speaks volumes. I think if you love her enough to want her to be all she can be, even when it means stretching your own horizons, you have the basic requirement already met. Perhaps, for now, while you're still learning, you may find it easiest to view your role as that of facilitator.

You mention the difficulty of accepting the idea of intentionally disregarding her pleasure. I, too, had difficulty in this area, particularly in the context of s&m play. What I came to realize was that there is a very real difference between short-term and long-term happiness, much like sucking up the physical discomfort of exercising to enjoy the long term pleasure of increased health and physical beauty. My girl finds gratification in serving well and pleasing me even when the specific service is unpleasant.

A theme you'll see repeated often within the forums is that of communication. Discovering the ways your partner desires to serve and adapting those to suit your tastes is a common way of beginning a relationship. There is no specific formulae for domination and submission. Find what is pleasing to you both and enjoy yourselves. There is no need to compose intricate scenes. Activities can be incorporated into normal everyday life that will serve to keep you both in the d/s mindframe.

It may be that there are some parts of your girl's life that she would like to give you authority over. That, too, is common within the lifestyle. Perhaps she would like to allow you to pick out her clothing or limit her right to wear clothing at all. Perhaps she wants you have the power to use her sexually at your whim, regardless of her own pleasure. The two of you can discover these things together and it's the journey that is gratifying, for it's a journey that never truly ends.

There is no greater intimacy than that shared between a submissive and a dominant. The relationship can be as loving, as sexual as is desired. It can include as much or as little of the other aspects of BDSM spectrum as you choose. The more you communicate, the longer you pursue your desires together, the deeper the level of fulfillment you can expect.

Best wishes to you both,
Timothy


(in reply to blank)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: new games and trials - 2/15/2005 6:42:36 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Begin thinking dirty

Begin talking dirty

Buy a pair of handcuffs and a paddle

From there you'll start figureing a few things out. Your wife will start becomming more submissive and you begin your journey into BDSM.

Weither the two of you just want to roleplay these roles from time to time or be in a 24/7 relationship is up to both of you. Start talking about it, do role play first, and see how much you really start to like it.

Good luck for I forsee a wonderful marriage for the rest of your years.




Attachment (1)

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

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Profile   Post #: 8
RE: new games and trials - 2/15/2005 6:48:03 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

something i don/t mind. feel a bit odd, deliberately NOT caring for her pleasure.



Being a dom does not mean that you decide to not care for her pleasure. Ever thought that you are infact fullfilling her pleasure by being more bossy, in controll, more sadistic, and disciplinary? If she wants it then why feel odd about it? As you read past threads you'll see trends about how submissives love to have bla done to them for they are not being victims but volunteers.

So relax and do your worst. It'll be okay.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to blank)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: new games and trials - 2/16/2005 9:05:13 AM   
Alexander


Posts: 159
Joined: 12/10/2004
Status: offline 		wtf? I should just start a vanilla life and turn her out. Here I am trying to pick out the best candy and this guy walks into the chocolate factory through the back door.

Best wishes and congratulations. I know some oklahoma people. I'f I find anyone still into it in your area I'll email.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 10
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