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Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/11/2005 11:21:21 PM

Sarina50

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/6/2005
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I identify as a Domme and have played at home with partners for years. Now, I am interested to go out and try something new in public. My experience has been primarily with women, but I am interested in playing with a submissive male if I can find the right person

I am currently without a partner and interested in meeting subs for play only at local events, however having not negotiated for public play before I am looking for feedback regarding initial negotiation for public play scenes. There is an event tomorrow evening and I am seriously feeling the need to tie somebody up! Ha-ha

I would love to hear from you about what it is that you consider necessary [safety/limits/desired play,, etc.], what turns you off, what turns you on, and any feedback you would care to share.

Look forward to hearing about your experiences.

-S

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RE: Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/12/2005 9:49:02 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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There are several decent negotiation forms online, here are a few:
http://www.frugaldomme.com/dangers/negotiat.htm
http://www.bedroombondage.com/bondageu/drbondage/negotiationform.html
http://www.webmistress.org/crave/neg.html

also, http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.txt has an easily printable version of the activities checklist.

http://www.sexuality.org/l/subnet/Negotiation.html is a good link talking about what should be covered in a negotiation.

Do not forget to negotiate aftercare. It is harder to do with someone you pick up at a party, but anytime you touch someone as a Dominant, you're responsible for the effects of your scene. This means at the very least, being available for the sub to talk with afterwards. Since most of us aren't comfortable giving out our phone numbers to strangers (although why that is worse than playing with a stranger, I'll never know) have an email address set up for them. I'd use an account created specially for this type of thing. Make the ID something easy to remember. Print it out on a card or bit of paper before you go, so if you can just hand it to the sub. If there is any chance you'll play with more than one sub, make sure you have more than one copy of your contact information. You might also want to have a few on hand to give out to people with whom you'd like to have further contact.

Have fun.

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Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
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RE: Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/12/2005 9:55:37 AM

oceangem

Posts: 360
Joined: 2/9/2004
From: Mission, BC. Canada
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Hi Sarina,

The event that i think You are talking is about Sincity. It has a small dungeon play area and there are DMs that monitor all the play. There are some restrictions to what You can do there for a play scene eg bondage, whips, floggers etc...but no electrical play.

Rascals is a much better venue for more equipment, bigger area, and they encourage Ppeople to meet and play with wearing some sort of sticker. The negotiation part is entirely up to You and the person You play with. If its to tie someone up, i am sure You will find it more at Rascal then You would at Sincity. Again Rascals has all the safety in place with DMs to watch over. Rascals is next weekend Saturday Feb 19 begins at 8 pm. Contact me here if You would like more information i can pass on some web pages so that You may read.

www.vancouverdungeon.com
www.rascals-club.com

< Message edited by oceangem -- 2/12/2005 9:57:57 AM >

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RE: Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/12/2005 11:05:02 AM

Sarina50

Posts: 5
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BeachMystress,
Thank you for your comments and the links-I haven't been to the Frugal Domme site in ages and am looking forward to checking it out.

I'm in absolute agreement with you about the aftercare-I'm glad you brought it up. I've actually seen what you are talking about- where some poor willing sub has been through really intense scene and then just left behind shaking in the breeze. Fortunately, the events that I favor have great Dungeon Monitors in place who can help in situations like that without overstepping their bounds. Just having them present deters that type of activity.

I also think having your contact information preprinted and ready to go is a superb idea! I can't tell you how many times I've been to an event where somebody was fumbling around for a pen and paper. Frankly I'd rather take care of it myself. ;-)

-S

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RE: Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/15/2005 10:28:07 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
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Do any of you really *like* using those checklists?

Honestly....I can't stand them. For starters, if you're just playing to play with someone at a party...are you really going to process all of it? Do you tape up the checklist somewhere convenient so you can reference it mid-scene? Make flashcards? LOL Secondly..so much of the information on them is just NOT pertinent IMHO to a "pick up play" type scene. Much of what's listed is just not something you can do in a public venue, even if you wanted to do that with someone you don't know.

If I'm going to play with someone at a club/party that I don't know, I have two basic things I do. One - I tell them straight up I am a sadist. I am going to hurt them. What they need to do is let themselves react naturally (no stoicism, no drama queens) so I can "read" them and adjust accordingly to what level they can process. Two - I lay out the contents of my toybag, no surprises. They can peruse over what I have and discuss with me PRIOR to play anything I might have that they are concerned about me using on them. Typically my toybag for a public party is an assortment of floggers, straps, paddles, single tails, perhaps some cuffs or the like.

At that time, they also need to discuss with me any physical issues I need to know about.

Regarding aftercare...don't forget to include what the Dominant needs as aftercare. THANK her for the energy and effort she just put out. Get her something to drink. Offer a back rub. Help her clean her toys and put them away. Clean off the equipment just used. THere's very little that's more annoying than a sub getting the aftercare they need then wandering off.

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

"SM is not a mindless or thoughtless activity. is a full exploration of one's humanity: physical, mental, emotional, sexual, social, and spiritual." Jack Rinella

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RE: Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/15/2005 4:27:20 PM

MissP

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I play casually with a few subs, and I run my own femdom events. Generally we'll stick to CP type play with paddles, canes, floggers etc. Once we get to know the boys better, we can tailor something more individual to both the top and bottom's wants/needs.

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RE: Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/17/2005 7:39:17 PM

BeachMystress

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From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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I actually find checklists to be a VERY important part of pick up play. I don't use a long form, but I'll not touch someone without a short form quiz. I need to know the hard limits, any physical problems, psychological issues (claustrophobia, childhood abuse), allergies, play experience level and who they have played with in the past. I do mine orally, not written.

And I agree.. the Dominant needs aftercare also! I suffer Domme drop. I'm finding it to be less with my current sub as we progress in our relationship. He is a natural caretaker and is there for whatever I need; be it cuddling or be it shutting up and letting me alone. I can trust him to do what I need without his feeling hurt about it. That extra layer of trust seems to be helping me some. I still can be a bit down after some play sessions, but it is getting rare.

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*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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RE: Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/18/2005 7:42:17 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
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quote:

Written by BaileyThorne:
He stood and tipped my chin up to him. He looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I trusted him. It was more than that however. Implied was "Do you want to play? Are you willing to let me take control? Do I have your consent?". I'm an edge player so my response may have surprised him. I asked "Do you trust me?" Again, there was so much more behind this question. "Do you trust me with your reputation? Do you trust me to communicate with you clearly? Do you trust me to handle what you throw at me gracefully?".

M. Sarina-

The above (from : my summer vacation ) is a wonderful representation of my ideal negotiation, and actually, the best responce possible. I tend to be a minimalist when it comes to negotiation, as I find it difficult to predict just how any given scene will go, and prefer the latitude to follow the energy

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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RE: Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/18/2005 8:26:54 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sarina50
I would love to hear from you about what it is that you consider necessary [safety/limits/desired play,, etc.], what turns you off, what turns you on, and any feedback you would care to share.

I'd say you're already off to a good start- you know what type of scene you want. That eliminates a lot of back and forth in itself. So, you look for someone else who is also open to it.

I find for me, initial negotiations need to be quick and general, 2 or 3 specifics, and then don't push with the scene. Ask if they have any physical issues, muscle pulls, etc that you should be aware of. Ask if they have gone to the bathroom yet. Ask if they have a safeword other than the house word they use. Don't get bogged down or serious- this is supposed to be a fun new experience for everyone.

Once you've laid out the basic structure of a scene, then you can get into it. If you are feeling like you want to deviate greatly from that plan, bring it up gently and see how they respond. I like putting the toy in their hands first so they can feel exactly what it is they are being hit with, and if I'm going to ratchet it up, I will warn them so they can cope better.

In the first scene you have to communicate more directly and not fly off on your intuitions as much as you can once you've established a connection and get to know that person and how they scene later.

But it should be fun and memorable!

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RE: Public Play-Negotiation? - 2/18/2005 9:04:03 AM

ProtagonistLily

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Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:

I actually find checklists to be a VERY important part of pick up play. I don't use a long form, but I'll not touch someone without a short form quiz. I need to know the hard limits, any physical problems, psychological issues (claustrophobia, childhood abuse), allergies, play experience level and who they have played with in the past. I do mine orally, not written.

Hey Beach, would you be willing to share some of the questions you ask? I think this is really intersting and I'd like to hear what things you discuss before a casual scene.

Thanks,
Lily

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