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How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 8:12:42 AM

mistressinanna

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Hello,

What I want to know and maybe some of you can help: i have a friend who is a submissive but also has dominant tendencies that are very unrefined and so usually tends to the submissive side. I am trying to train him out of being mostly submissive so he can explore his dominant side and also accept "normal" sex (he is currently unable to). Does anyone have suggestions?

Soror I.

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 8:19:28 AM

Celeste43

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Therapy. Seriously if he has such severe fetishes that he cannot enjoy sex without them, this will be the only thing that works.

As far as training out his submissiveness, why? He needs to explore his switch tendencies, not suddenly flip from sub to dom. He has both needs, he needs to be honest about all of it with prospective partners.

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 8:38:25 AM

petdave

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Having spent about 15 years trying, all i can say is good luck with that.

...dave

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 9:13:57 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I don't know nearly enough about the situation or your skills to give any sort of advice.

I will say that you should help him become stronger in who he is...not try and make him into what you think he should be.

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 9:33:45 AM

Quivver

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Un Due it? this question makes it sound like a learned trait. Possibly for some it is, but I'm also sure that there are many like myself who just dont feed from their Dominant side. Maybe it can be built on, but how to change an appitite I think would be quite a chore.

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 9:48:57 AM

Caitriona

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Therapy. Seriously if he has such severe fetishes that he cannot enjoy sex without them, this will be the only thing that works.

As far as training out his submissiveness, why? He needs to explore his switch tendencies, not suddenly flip from sub to dom. He has both needs, he needs to be honest about all of it with prospective partners.

Very well said, Celeste.

Your friend needs to work on the issues that prevent him from having a fulfilling sex life before attempting to have a fulfilling sex life, no matter the role he takes on in that pursuit.

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 10:06:56 AM

behindmirrors

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I agree with Celeste and Caitriona. There is probably more to this situation than we know about, and that he needs to deal with- and that's his choice, quite frankly, to take care of- not yours nor anyone else. If your friend has a problem with it, then the best thing to do is point him at the resources he needs, and stand back to let him decide if he's ready.

As for "undoing" submissiveness, I would have to ask here if he really wants this change. It's entirely possible that it's just an intrinsic part of who he is...and though it is possible he might want to acquire some dominant skills, it's not a mutually exclusive thing- he can still have a submissive side.

Again, it's his job to take care of these things if they bother him enough. One of those "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" sort of things.

behindmirrors.

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 4:34:59 PM

MasterFireMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I don't know nearly enough about the situation or your skills to give any sort of advice.

I will say that you should help him become stronger in who he is...not try and make him into what you think he should be.

Ditto.

Has he asked you for this help or have you taken it on yourself that this would be "good for" him? Be sure he wants to do this and that you aren't projecting your own desires onto him.

Master Fire

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 5:51:25 PM

SamKeithsslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistressinanna
What I want to know and maybe some of you can help: i have a friend who is a submissive but also has dominant tendencies that are very unrefined and so usually tends to the submissive side. I am trying to train him out of being mostly submissive so he can explore his dominant side and also accept "normal" sex (he is currently unable to). Does anyone have suggestions?

Are you trying to train him out of being a sub because he wants it or you want it? Either way, as others have stated, he is what he is and trying to turn a sub into a Dom is no easy task and could in fact me detrimental for him if its not what he wishes. I would be more concerned, again as others have been, by his lack of ability for "normal" sex. This issue needs to be addressed before anything else by a professional - IMO. And you may even find that once those issues are address he may become less submissive, who knows?

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/25/2006 11:37:49 PM

slavemaia

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i tend to agree with those who have recommended therapy as i don't believe being dominant is going to make him instantly sexual. And i also agree that being submissive is not something one does it's something one is, at least on any real level.

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/26/2006 3:49:49 AM

PhilippaStark

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Therapy. Seriously if he has such severe fetishes that he cannot enjoy sex without them, this will be the only thing that works.

Sorry but I dont really get what you are saying here! A fetish always starts as a fantasy and a fantasy is what get's you off sexually. Having straight vanilla sex does nothing for me. Sex is about exploring your inner desires, your fantasy, your fetish. Sex is as much an erogonous head trip as it is the physical side of it. Probably more cos I know that if I lay back and thought of England whilst having sex, then I sure as hell would not get off on it.
Severe fetish are very strong words indeed and rather point to "your fetish is a mental illness but mine is cool"

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/26/2006 12:26:28 PM

petdave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilippaStark
Sorry but I dont really get what you are saying here! A fetish always starts as a fantasy and a fantasy is what get's you off sexually. Having straight vanilla sex does nothing for me. Sex is about exploring your inner desires, your fantasy, your fetish. Sex is as much an erogonous head trip as it is the physical side of it. Probably more cos I know that if I lay back and thought of England whilst having sex, then I sure as hell would not get off on it.
Severe fetish are very strong words indeed and rather point to "your fetish is a mental illness but mine is cool"

The DSM IV is a reference book that is the current standard for diagnosing mental illness, at least in the U.S. For version IV, they de-classified sadism, masochism, and sexual fetishes (collectively, sexual paraphilias) as mental illnesses in and of themselves. However, they are still considered to be mental illnesses if they are required for the person to attain sexual satisfaction (i.e., you can't achieve orgasm without an large chicken egg in your mouth), or if they shape the person's life to the point that it causes him or her to experience stress and trauma. So according to the psychiatric community, what the OP is describing is a mental illness. In addition, if the person they are describing wants to stop being submissive but can't, that too means they're nuts. To use a technical term.

...dave

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RE: How to undue submissiveness - 11/26/2006 2:48:43 PM

littlesarbonn

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From: Stockton, California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilippaStark

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Therapy. Seriously if he has such severe fetishes that he cannot enjoy sex without them, this will be the only thing that works.

Sorry but I dont really get what you are saying here! A fetish always starts as a fantasy and a fantasy is what get's you off sexually. Having straight vanilla sex does nothing for me. Sex is about exploring your inner desires, your fantasy, your fetish. Sex is as much an erogonous head trip as it is the physical side of it. Probably more cos I know that if I lay back and thought of England whilst having sex, then I sure as hell would not get off on it.
Severe fetish are very strong words indeed and rather point to "your fetish is a mental illness but mine is cool"

What is this vanilla sex thing you're talking about. Wait a minute! What is this "sex" thing you're talking about?

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