Trust

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Trust

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Trust

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Trust - 11/25/2006 5:26:52 PM

bforbes62901

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/25/2006
Status: offline

Hello.
I have a question for anyone who would like to answer it. Do you ever have a problem with trust. I very much want to find someone new. But I have a problem with trust. It has been destroyed on several occasions. I have met several people on here. Most have wanted to talk immediately and then want to play the next day. I am a student, therefore I can not devote all my time to a Master, School is my number one priority. I would love to find someone to play with on a regular basis. That is where the trust comes in. How do i get the where i can trust someone when all i get is a bunch of asses.
Bev

Post #: 1

RE: Trust - 11/25/2006 5:29:58 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

New and Trust are like carsalesman and lifetime savings, they have problems being akin to each other when in the same vicinity.

So, you are not unique in this respect.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 2

RE: Trust - 11/25/2006 5:32:42 PM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

Do you ever have a problem with trust

I pretty much always rely on my instincts about someone. I trust until it is shown that the trust was misplaced.

quote:

But I have a problem with trust. It has been destroyed on several occasions.

I would suggest looking at the reasons why you are making such poor choices then.

quote:

I am a student, therefore I can not devote all my time to a Master, School is my number one priority.

I read your profile; since all you are looking for is play; why would it be necessary to put one or the other in front?

quote:

I would love to find someone to play with on a regular basis. That is where the trust comes in.

Attend some munches? Find a public club that caters to BDSM?

quote:

How do i get the where i can trust someone when all i get is a bunch of asses.

Everyone is an ass at one time or another in their life

, trust has nothing to do with that.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 3

RE: Trust - 11/25/2006 6:11:30 PM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bforbes62901
I have a question for anyone who would like to answer it. Do you ever have a problem with trust. I very much want to find someone new. But I have a problem with trust. It has been destroyed on several occasions. I have met several people on here. Most have wanted to talk immediately and then want to play the next day. I am a student, therefore I can not devote all my time to a Master, School is my number one priority. I would love to find someone to play with on a regular basis. That is where the trust comes in. How do i get the where i can trust someone when all i get is a bunch of asses.
Bev

Trust, whats that? Seriously trust is an issue for me also - some pyscho babble about "fear of abandonment" etc I know its there and do my best to try and fulfill my Masters desires to trust him completely, but its not easy. Its really the only insecurity that I have left that I consider a problem. If I see a relationship developing I am very open to tell the person that I have this problem and that if they can not deal with it, or at least accept it then maybe theres not much point in going on. This tends to separate the boys from the men, so to speak. And as most Doms here seem to say they dont want subs with "issues" I dont think I'd find my true Master here. Getting to the trust stage with anyone is not going to be easy, as you say you cant devote all your time to a Master and so trust will take longer to build. I love that old line "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince". Try to think of each ass you meet as another frog, or better still, take the advice given to another poster recently and just stop looking. Its amazing what we find when we dont look

_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 4

RE: Trust - 11/25/2006 8:02:27 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bforbes62901

Hello.
I have a question for anyone who would like to answer it. Do you ever have a problem with trust. I very much want to find someone new. But I have a problem with trust. It has been destroyed on several occasions. I have met several people on here. Most have wanted to talk immediately and then want to play the next day. I am a student, therefore I can not devote all my time to a Master, School is my number one priority. I would love to find someone to play with on a regular basis. That is where the trust comes in. How do i get the where i can trust someone when all i get is a bunch of asses.
Bev

Well rather than focusing on finding someone to trust, focus on your schooling as that is your priority..Everything else being secondary,then look to meeting these asses as just a break from studying,and or a free dinner..lol...then if you are lucky enough the correct "fit" may come along..and if not you, you are still doing that which is beneficial to you...Tempting

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 5

RE: Trust - 11/25/2006 8:09:05 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Ive had serious trust isues in the past. Its a person by person thing, honestly. I trust angel implicitely. It didnt happen overnight, and I do still occasionally question whether I should or not. Looking for ust play is a more difficult situation, since most dont tend to build the relationship necessary for trust when you arent trying to build a relationship at all

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 6

RE: Trust - 11/25/2006 11:15:46 PM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

i don't know what it takes for you to trust someone. If you want to trust someone not to harm you during a scene, not to go past your limits that's one level of trust and, i believe can be fairly easy to create. If you want to trust someone with your deep fears, your most secret wishes or your life savings, then i'd recommend going very slowly.

Play is play and can easily be accommodated by going to dungeon parties where trusting someone else there is not a high risk. You're surrounded by others of like mind and chances are nothing will happen to you that you don't agree to. In meeting with new Doms you can have safecalls in place and be certain to meet only in public.

It really all depends on what level of commitment your seeking.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 7

RE: Trust - 11/26/2006 1:53:52 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Time is your best helper.

Then there's good judgement. If you don't have good judgement, then any choice you make will be suspect and likely not the best one. Good judgement comes from past mistakes, educating yourself, and acting on strength, not fear. Don't repeat your mistakes, be aware of them and change your habits and perceptions to make better choices.

Watch people, see how they act over long periods of time (months). Trust is a series of small leaps that must be reinforced.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_548339/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#548757
To trust or not to trust

http://www.collarchat.com/m_534521/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#534848
trust and abandonment issues

http://www.collarchat.com/m_48957/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#48957
trust betrayed by master

http://www.collarchat.com/m_96129/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#96129
will I ever trust a man again

http://www.collarchat.com/m_329482/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#329482
learning to trust again after being hurt

http://www.collarchat.com/m_346651/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#346651
how do you deal with broken trust?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_398537/mpage_1/key_trust/tm.htm#398537
trust...how to mend when it is broken

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 8

RE: Trust - 11/26/2006 5:52:31 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

I'm one of those people that gives a certain level of trust, unless/until I'm given a reason to doubt that trust. I trust my instincts. I worked in law enforcement for 20 years, so one would think I'd be very distrustful and I suppose, in a sense, I am......., but only of those who obviously don't deserve my trust, or if my instincts start setting off alarm bells.

I have different levels of trust as well, and as I get to know a person, my trust in them deepens. If I feel they don't deserve my trust, I simply don't allow them in my life or I remove them from my life.

Establishing a relationship requires each person to make themselves somewhat vulnerable. You share parts of yourself with someone, hoping a bond will develop and deepen. When a relationship ends, it can be emotionally painful, especially if you were used, etc.... The hardest part is starting over, from scratch and doing it all again..... once again making yourself vulnerable, hoping for the best, but it truly is the only way to eventually and hopefully find who you are seeking and who is seeking you.

Good luck!

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 9

RE: Trust - 11/26/2006 6:10:28 AM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline

Trust is earned, as is distrust. It is difficult for me to make the distinction most of the time - my BS detector has never worked properly - but when I'm not sure, I ask people who have proven themselves trustworthy (and usually when I'm not sure if someone is being trustworthy, he/she is not).

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 10

RE: Trust - 11/26/2006 7:04:42 AM

bforbes62901

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/25/2006
Status: offline

After I posted my original message, I started doing a lot of thinking, about why i got into the lifestyle and why i stayed in it. I did not really like what i figured out. But then this sort of thing, you don't always like the answers. Yes my trust has been destroyed, but not really in the way that I thought it had. I figured out that I had gotten into this lifestyle because i felt if i had someone telling me what to do then i would not mess up the relationship, for i had never really had one before i got into the lifestyle. I also figured out that I have never had a relationship with someone that did not have someone else involved. Both times i have been collared it was in a poly household, not to mention the one where i found out later they were cheating on someone else. So you see, I have never had someone where their full and undivided attention was on me. That may sound selfish but I would like to have someone where they want me and only me. So whether I find it here in this lifestyle or not remains to be seen, but again i think college is all about finding yourself and i seem to be doing just that even at age 34. Where am i going to go from here, who knows, but i will know a bit more about what makes me tick.
Bev

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 11

RE: Trust - 11/26/2006 12:33:23 PM

liljeanti

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/30/2006
From: Michigan
Status: offline

For me trust is a big thing. I trust someone until they give me a reason not to trust them or something tells me they arent trustworthy. That being said, I have a hard time trusting people and I am always paranoid. My poor heart has been destroyed many times by people I trusted, so trust to me is something I am learning to do again. And usually when someone breaks my trust its hard to earn back, if they ever even earn it back. I wish you luck in finding someone and trusting them.

_____________________________

I may not be perfect, but I am always me.

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 12

RE: Trust - 11/26/2006 12:44:20 PM

jblack

Posts: 102
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

I understand what it's like to have your trust in someone shattered. It really hurts, and it's much harder to trust someone again. But I also still think that trust is a good thing. That said, I think that it's good that it is not necessarily easy for me to trust someone; if it were easy, that would mean that I hadn't learned some from very hard lessons.

While I want to trust everyone, I know perfectly well that there are some very untrustworthy people in this world. I firmly believe that trust has to be earned. As LA pointed out, time is your friend. People earn trust over time. If you don't trust someone, there might be very good reason why you can't feel that way toward him.

Although I wish I could remember where I read this, I came across this interesting point when I first started to admit that my submissive fantasies should not be "replaced" with something more vanilla (it's been a long road for me, people). Anyway, the article suggested that a sub might not only consider if she likes someone or if he's saying all the things she wants to hear; she should also wonder if she would be afraid to be naked, tied up, and alone with him. The article suggested that until a sub felt sure that she would be all right in such a state, then she should wait.

So, I wait. Yes, I have strong desires to please and submit, but I'm not willing to submit to anyone who calls himself a Dom. He has to earn my respect and my trust; if he can't, then I don't need him. In my mind, D/s is primarily about trust, and I would say that there is nothing wrong in waiting until you find someone who finally earns the trust you have to give.

In that vein, I would also say that you are not selfish for wanting what you want. If you want someone who is monogamous, there's nothing wrong with that. If you want someone who you can trust, there's nothing wrong with that. You write that you're in school and figuring out a lot about yourself, which is wonderful. You have other things in your life; you have plenty to offer the world. Don't sell yourself short by settling for someone you can't trust or some situation that doesn't satisfy you.

Sure, that might mean you're alone for awhile. I've been alone for most of my life. Yeah, it sucks. But I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. There's much more to my life than sex (there better be, considering how little sex I get), and I certainly have all the orgasms I could ever want (vibrators can be a girl's best friend). And, for me, it's much sexier to submit to a man because I want to, because I trust him, and because he earned it, not because I feel the need to have a man around.

I hope you think that you have the right to get what you want.

Okay, sorry to have gone on for so long. I'm off the soap box now, if anyone needs it.

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 13

RE: Trust - 11/26/2006 1:11:55 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bforbes62901

After I posted my original message, I started doing a lot of thinking, about why i got into the lifestyle and why i stayed in it. I did not really like what i figured out. But then this sort of thing, you don't always like the answers. Yes my trust has been destroyed, but not really in the way that I thought it had. I figured out that I had gotten into this lifestyle because i felt if i had someone telling me what to do then i would not mess up the relationship, for i had never really had one before i got into the lifestyle. I also figured out that I have never had a relationship with someone that did not have someone else involved. Both times i have been collared it was in a poly household, not to mention the one where i found out later they were cheating on someone else. So you see, I have never had someone where their full and undivided attention was on me. That may sound selfish but I would like to have someone where they want me and only me. So whether I find it here in this lifestyle or not remains to be seen, but again i think college is all about finding yourself and i seem to be doing just that even at age 34. Where am i going to go from here, who knows, but i will know a bit more about what makes me tick.
Bev

There is nothing wrong having preferences and needs and being submissive. If anything that is a sign of knowing yourself which is one of the more important steps you can have. Know yourself and look for some one that is compatible and not just someone that is there.

With problems with trust though you must first and foremost look within yourself for a solution. It will not be fair to think that issue will be solved by the next person you meet. The best suggestion if your judgment has been a problem is to slow things down intentionally and deliberatly. If you think you are ready for the next stage in something just wait a little while longer and keep your eyes open.

I wish you the best in your trust issues whether you stay in the life or leave.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 14

RE: Trust - 11/26/2006 1:22:27 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bforbes62901

After I posted my original message, I started doing a lot of thinking, about why i got into the lifestyle and why i stayed in it. I did not really like what i figured out. But then this sort of thing, you don't always like the answers. Yes my trust has been destroyed, but not really in the way that I thought it had. I figured out that I had gotten into this lifestyle because i felt if i had someone telling me what to do then i would not mess up the relationship, for i had never really had one before i got into the lifestyle. I also figured out that I have never had a relationship with someone that did not have someone else involved. Both times i have been collared it was in a poly household, not to mention the one where i found out later they were cheating on someone else. So you see, I have never had someone where their full and undivided attention was on me. That may sound selfish but I would like to have someone where they want me and only me. So whether I find it here in this lifestyle or not remains to be seen, but again i think college is all about finding yourself and i seem to be doing just that even at age 34. Where am i going to go from here, who knows, but i will know a bit more about what makes me tick.
Bev

I dont think you sound 'selfish' at all to want what you want or have standards for yourself. I think thats half the battle sometime. Also, I dont think we're ever really done "finding" ourselves completely, and by that I mean we are always learning and hopefully evolving to something alittle wiser than we were yesterday.
As far as trust goes, well, unfortunately, I think we've all been 'had' at one time or another, but the thing is you cant let that stop you from taking chances again in the future. You just have to be more careful, I think, and listen to the inner voice. I wish you the best.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 15

RE: Trust - 11/26/2006 1:31:49 PM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bforbes62901
Both times i have been collared it was in a poly household, not to mention the one where i found out later they were cheating on someone else. So you see, I have never had someone where their full and undivided attention was on me. That may sound selfish but I would like to have someone where they want me and only me.

I could never be in a poly relationship for this reason. Many peopls are unable to live with the jealousy, I know I couldnt and I consider it, to a degree, to be a weakness in me. I tell myself "if only I was stronger". I think the poly relationships are great for those in them and they, from what I have seen, work well (for the most part). Its rather like having an extended family, only you live under one roof.
As for the "undivided attention" you mentioned? Its one of my demands. I do not mind playing with a third party occasionally in order to please Master, but at the end of the day I need to know I am the only one he wants and loves.

So whether I find it here in this lifestyle or not remains to be seen, but again i think college is all about finding yourself and i seem to be doing just that even at age 34. Where am i going to go from here, who knows, but i will know a bit more about what makes me tick.

I am 39, I start University next February. By the time I finish my course I will be 44. Maybe taking a break from the lifestyle is all that you need? Whatever path you take, good luck with college and I hope you find the right answers for you.
Bev

_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to bforbes62901)

Post #: 16

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Trust

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094