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Rock and hard spot - 2/13/2005 6:27:02 AM

dewdrop

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Joined: 2/11/2005
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i had first posted this on the introduction forum and someone left a post (i thank them) to leave it here to see is anyone here has had the situation presented to them:

Forgive me if i type or do anything wrong on here.... i am a 29 years old wife and mother of three. About 3 years ago when i was separated from my husband, i had a friend that showed what alot of my frustutrations were about. i found out that i was a submissive. When i read and researched the lifestyle, i was drawn into it. my soul was in tune with the writings and the understandings, i had found peace within its words. i even once met with a Dom and did a lil bit of experimenting and loved it BUT he was not for me. He wanted more,i did not... not with him anyway. But it felt so good to kneel and serve as well as be punished. Since then i am back with my husband and he agreed to try the lifestyle. This is where i now see where some people know it or they don't. i was born with this inside me, raging to get out of her cage but my husband was not. he is happy with a vanilla lifestyle. he tries to enter into it many times but gets uncomfortable and that leaves me wanted, needing more. So i guess i am here to see what others like myself have done, what road did venture down..... or am i meant to cry myself to sleep not bearng any ropes that tie me down at night, listening to the spirit within scream? Thank Y/you A/all for Y/your time.

dewdrop

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/13/2005 9:00:43 AM

aztecdocswhore

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I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am also married and have childeren, my husband, after much explaining and research, understands my need, but also knows that he could never do the things that I want/need. Causing me pain or discomfort is not something he can handle. So with his knowledge and permission I went on a search. Was lucky enough to find someone who very much understood my position, and was willing to train me and do the things that I needed without it being a 24/7 relationship. It is not easy, and by that I don't mean the sessions or the training since I am new too this lifestyle, but in the respect to my family and my marriage. It is working well for me, but it does take time to find the right One, and you must always be honest about your situation, with both, your husband and Dom.
Here I was for the longest time, fighting with my urges/wants/needs/longings and desires, and thinking that I was the only one out there with this dillema.
I hope this helps some, not sure if what is working for me will work for you, but maybe at least you will know that you are not alone.
Hope everything works out for you.

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/13/2005 9:41:05 AM

soulreaver67

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I'm going to impart a little here, if I may--

The reason your husbands have difficulty with this is because, apparently, they do truly love you. Love is sacrifice. Meaning, they are willing to sacrifice of themselves virtually anything to lift you up, support you, see that you are safe and free from harm.

Because of the very nature of this mindset, it is difficult to then turn around and cause someone pain.

Here is what you must explain/talk-about with your husbands:

1) The relationship is built on trust-- therefore, you have implicit trust that he is not actually trying to hurt you. On the flipside, he must have implicit trust in you, that you a) know he isn't trying to hurt you, and b) knowing that should he accidentally do so you will forgive him because you know it wasn't intentional.

2) Secondly, he needs to understand that he isn't actually causing you real pain. He is actually providing you great pleasure. You are asking for it, you know what you're asking, and if it did hurt, you have a safeword that you both can stop the "scene" with, and either try again, or do something else.

The second issue is critical-- he needs to adjust his perception of what pain is *to you*. He is seeing "your pain" through his filter, not yours. It's part of his protective mechanism for you, but you just need to let him know he needs to adjust his thinking a little more in line with yours.

Finally, start slow. Start wth having your bottom spanked every night while you masturbate. Simple tell him you want him to spank you while you masturbate because it would really feel good to you. It doesn't have to be very hard, your bottom will get more sensitive the longer this is done. Later, tell him you want him to leave handprints on your bottom. That you want to feel it when you sit down the next morning. As his reward, give him the most fantastic felation he's ever had-- few men can resist really good oral sex. Maintain eye contact when you do it.

When he is comfortable and happy with regular spankings, have him start twisting your nipples too, or pinching them hard. Just go slow, step by step. Dont think about dominance or submission, or cuffs or collars or all that jazz.

Just work on having fun together, and experiencing and sharing pleasure. It isn't pain if you like it.

And seriously, if you would like your husbands to talk to someone confidentially about their real feelings, just have them YIM me at [email protected]. I might be able to help them understand it a little better.

Best to both of you,

SoulReaver
"You are my Angel of Death, my SoulReaver."-- The Guardian

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/13/2005 12:37:29 PM

proudsub

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Hi dewdrop, your experience is very similar to mine except Hubby is coming around and now enjoying being more Dominant. Here are a few threads that may help you:

can love get in the way

vanilla partners

....vanilla spouse

help required

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/14/2005 9:52:16 PM

aztecdocswhore

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Soulreaver67,
Very insightful and thanks for your view on it. In my case, we sat down at major length, I told him how I felt, explained how it felt, took him to the sites that are posted here for help and explanations. He tried, he really did, it just isn't for him, yet he loves me enough to let me explore and fulfill my needs...I would do the same if the shoe were on the other foot. In our search to find common ground, we did discover alot about eachother, when we thought we already knew what there was too know. He is an active part, per se, in this, with reading and sharing, and it took him a long time to really understand it and get past the stigma that is placed on this lifestyle.

Proudsub,
You never cease to amaze me with your vast knowledge of resources! And I thank you so much! I am not sure what I would do without your help the help of others on this board.

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/15/2005 5:59:27 AM

dewdrop

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Since posting, i have talked things over with him more and he will not budge. He even went a lil to far the other night and acted how he "thought" a dom should be but was way to rough and his heart was not in it. It made me feel like he was saying "You want BDSM? Well here it is!" And what he made it out to be was not it. Afterwards, i told him to never try to dom me again that our relationship will be strictly a vanilla one. (Was i too harsh there?) But also he will NOT allow a third person to come in and help me or us through this. i am scared that i will not be satisfied with this way of life and search w/o him. i love him dearly as my husband and the father of my children. We have 11 years of marriage with us and don't want to ruin that but that might mean i have to cage this burning soul within me......

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/15/2005 8:50:31 AM

happypervert

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Pay special attention to the "vanilla spouse" thread Proudsub linked above.

That one looks like a success. The difference with your case it seems to me (and credit MizSuz's astute observations in that thread) is that you're putting all the responsibility on your husband to meet your needs. In the other thread the husband felt the need to serve his wife and so worked on that aspect; she doesn't need to do much but be served.

So, you said "But it felt so good to kneel and serve"; why don't you work on that? That would be an easy way to work into it and it is difficult to imagine it failing. The worst that I can imagine happening is him saying he doesn't want you to kneel, and since he's the boss then that is up to him and not you. One thing is for sure -- you are sure to fail by expecting your husband to beat you the way you want and then criticizing him for not getting it right. Maybe later you can get into that by joking about being punished for something, but given your recent experience you shouldn't even think about that until you get the service part established.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 2/15/2005 8:52:08 AM >

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/15/2005 3:01:59 PM

Hickory

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Thank you for the vote of confidence, happypervert, (and to proudsub – I’m honored to have been “linked”) but our journey is not over by a long shot. Each person must deal with this sort of “coming out” on his or her own terms. There is still this “elephant” in the living room, yet unnamed. (For her, “bondage” is the “safe” part of her retirement plan and “SM” might be the satellite radio network where Howard Stern is moving next year – you know, “AM”, “FM”, “SM”.) All good things in time… For me, I have decided that if I need to choose between my wife and the elephant (lifestyle), the elephant goes. Hand down, no regrets.

This approach is possible for me because I have chosen to fight this battle in the only place I can possibly win it: in MY own head. Ya gotta believe that I have desires that don’t involve dish soap and vacuums (well, some may, but that’s not the point). Right now, my sincerity to serve her on HER terms is my best hope to build the foundation of trust that is necessary for something more. Folding laundry is sensual because I make it sensual. This gift of my service is enough to make me actually look forward to it (how sick is that?!).

If you think about it, tying someone up or inserting rubber objects into their anuses or striking them repeatedly with a riding crop are not, inherently, sensual activities until those involved MAKE them sensual. (I guarantee you that neither my female doctor nor I get our jollies from my annual proctology exam.) The same goes for size or gender or race or age or anything else that attracts or repulses two people to one another. Kink (and the thrill it provides) is not about “leathers and nethers” and ALL about state of mind.

I know from my wife's past that any physical expression of violence will be a hard limit for a quite a while. That’s OK; that’s who she is. There are all kinds of creative ways to build and exchange that kind of energy, without sending her mind to a “bad place” so I can send mine to “subspace”. Ya just gotta get creative. (THERE’s a thread I’d love to read!)

As our kids were growing up, long before this twisted business came to the fore, we actually practiced several of the selections on the “preferences/ skills” section of the CM profiles, just not in the same way. “Breath Control” was the sharp intake we both had while “in the act” and hearing a noise that might be one of the kids coming downstairs. This was often accompanied by an act of “Mummification” (… “Mum, I couldn’t sleep…”), signaling an act of “Orgasm Denial”. We coped by taking to “Water Sports” (taking showers together early in the morning before anybody woke up). Our current living arrangement gives rise (pun intended) to “Forced Chastity”. The point is ya gotta keep a sense of humor about it. If it’s a great ride, why get off, just to “get off?”

Dewdrop, I hope you can reach an understanding with your hubby regarding the promise and challenges of this thing. Good luck!

Regards,

Hickory

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/15/2005 3:46:18 PM

proudsub

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quote:

As our kids were growing up, long before this twisted business came to the fore, we actually practiced several of the selections on the “preferences/ skills” section of the CM profiles, just not in the same way. “Breath Control” was the sharp intake we both had while “in the act” and hearing a noise that might be one of the kids coming downstairs. This was often accompanied by an act of “Mummification” (… “Mum, I couldn’t sleep…”), signaling an act of “Orgasm Denial”. We coped by taking to “Water Sports” (taking showers together early in the morning before anybody woke up). Our current living arrangement gives rise (pun intended) to “Forced Chastity”. The point is ya gotta keep a sense of humor about it. If it’s a great ride, why get off, just to “get off?”

LOL love your attitude.

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/15/2005 6:35:34 PM

strongnsubmissiv

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Getting vanilla spouses to "play the part" is a challenging task. In fact even if you do manage to make kinky activities part of sexual play, and your vanilla partner goes along with it, it's important to consider the fact that "playing the part" may not be as fulfilling as it seems.

It could just be that you might be fighting a sexuality compatibility issue here, and as much as you get along and love your partner on a vanilla level, if your sexualities don't compliment each other, your needs will never be met. I'm not saying that's the way it is in your case, but it's something i'd consider.

If a gay man marries a straight woman and they get along fabulously on all levels, but their sexualities are obviously mismatched; would the straight woman be satisified with sex if the homosexual man forced himself to have sex with her on a regular basis? Perhaps, but the emotional connection i'm sure wouldn't be the same as if she was with a sexually compatible straight man.

I'd say it all depends on what your needs are. If it's just play, persuing it with a vanilla partner might do the trick. For me however, i need an emotional connection that can only come from someone who needs me on my knees in front of them, as much as i need to be there myself.

I'll tell you one thing, if this need is part of your sexuality, burrying it down inside and ignoring it for the sake of saving a vanilla relationship is a recipe for disaster. The yearnings never go away, because it's a primal part of who you are.

... and now for the bad news...

:P

sns

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RE: Rock and hard spot - 2/16/2005 4:38:04 AM

subbiejenn

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I think you have gotten some really great advice and thoughts here -- just wanted to wish you luck. *smiles*

I've been/ am there also, its hard and there isn't any easy answers. For me D/s has to live within someone or they will never be truly happy. My problem is my EX loves the sexual side of BDSM but dosen't understand the mental.

hugsss!
~jenn

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