Smiles for the 'Monday After.."

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Smiles for the 'Monday After.." - 11/27/2006 12:13:44 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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Some of these were old, but still brought a smile when I found this in my morning mail...

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson (Himself DEAD)

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."--Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, EGAD, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C.. Fields

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RE: Smiles for the 'Monday After.." - 11/27/2006 3:22:55 PM

CalliopePurple

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Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
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[snip]"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown[/snip]

The sad part is knowing how true that is.

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hajimete kimi ni atta hoshizora no shita de.
Kimi ni tsutaetai todokanai omoi demo
boku no kokoro wa mada kimi o sagashiteiru.

Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute

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RE: Smiles for the 'Monday After.." - 11/27/2006 5:39:05 PM

Saratov

Posts: 1716
Joined: 10/22/2005
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Many can't even find the state they live in on a map of the USA.

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RE: Smiles for the 'Monday After.." - 11/27/2006 7:19:58 PM

ShreveportMaster

Posts: 899
Joined: 10/6/2004
From: Dallas, Tx
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nor do they know that St.Paul is the capitol of Minneapolis, or that Columbus discovered Ohio in 1776... boy, thet pubic edyukasun sistym reeely sucks. if it wusn't fur sex ed, thered be no reesun to go at all.

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"And to sooth the Bosk, there was found a Singing Cowboy. To soothe the Cowboy, a kajira is needed."

Riders of Gor
Book 37, Pg 298 ;-)

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RE: Smiles for the 'Monday After.." - 11/28/2006 8:00:33 AM

Saratov

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Joined: 10/22/2005
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And, they want to take sex ed out of the schools and put it back in the streets, alley's and back seats, 'where in belongs'.

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RE: Smiles for the 'Monday After.." - 11/28/2006 10:06:07 AM

MistressYlwa

Posts: 263
Joined: 8/25/2005
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A few of my favorites:

When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.
-- Julio Iglesias

I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.
-- Sting

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
-- Bill Maher

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!
-- Will Rogers

The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby

And MY personal favorite:

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
-- Mae West

Thanks for sharing.

Mistress Ylwa

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Mistress Ylwa

You see what power is - holding someone elses fear in your hand and showing it to them! - Amy Tan

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