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In a bind, need advice on a personal crisis - 11/27/2006 1:23:37 PM

DifferentDomina

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I am a Domina with medium experience, I've been interested in BDSM for years, entered the scene two years ago. The issue at hand regards a 24/7 slave of mine (well as close as can be) who I will call 24/7 from here on. I am also in a relationship of non BDSM nature. I consider that one a primary relationship as the poly's call it, as it is the longer lasting one. All party's know of each other and we all interact closely. 24/7 has become an important and close member of my family, the three of us sleeping in the same bed and sharing a lot of time together.

24/7 came to me with a predicament, being a virgin and having an anxiety over entering sexual life. One of the things we have focused on in our relationship (me and 24/7) is to slowely but surely release this anxiety and if 24/7 then desired we would include sexual play in our future ventures. It was expressed that my primary partner who is not into BDSM exept by association would later become a part of this if all went well and all party's felt it was right.

Last week me and 24/7 made a big breakthrough in our "project" and 24/7 expressed a wish to go "all the way". I was wery glad, my work and 24/7 had obviously gone well and I would now have the honour of guiding 24/7 through the first steps of sexual intimacy. A great gift for me and hopefully as good for 24/7. Comunication has always been what made our relationship brilliant, so I told my primary partner about this.

Now to explain, my primary partner is well aware that 24/7 is my property, but at the same time 24/7 greatly trusts and respect my primary. My primary partner however is not all that well accuanted with what being a Domina entails, the responsability, the detailed work or the amount of work. It hasn't been a problem untill now, he hasn't clashed with our comunication or done anything that intruded. Things have blended smoothely.

My primary partner was glad for me and expressed his delight in the plans to work onwards. No problem there. The day after I had to leave the house and when I returned 24/7 told me that something had happened between them while I was away. It wasn't full on sex, but quite something never the less. I was a bit taken aback. I had thought my primary partner knew how important it was for me to monitor the process and also how much it meant to me to have this moment with 24/7. I know 24/7 has a hard time saying no, and I also told my primary partner he was lucky 24/7 was ok, it could easily have been rape as 24/7 does not know well how to say no, and when she does it is sometimes hard too see if you aren't watching closely. She trusted him and I feel he didn't live up to that trust.

I don't feel jealous of the idea of them interacting, but feel it should have been when I had had time to prepare her. It also ruined a bit of the tension we had been building up. I feel a bit like a farmer that had been growing a crop for some time and then someone took a bite of it before I could serve it. Poor metaphor probably, but at the moment all I can find. So I feel distant to my primary partner because I feel he was very inconsiderate and I also feel a bit of a distance from 24/7, a little as if she is now spoiled goods. Which I do not feel I have a right to fell, as she is a brilliant sub by all means.

So I feel a bit weird. Any comments or helpfull suggestions?

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RE: In a bind, need advice on a personal crisis - 11/27/2006 1:36:59 PM

TheDiva

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From: Tallahassee, FL
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Sounds as if you need to have a talk with your primary about what your expectations are. It could help avoid future unpleasant situations. If it's not part of the agreement between you and "24/7" that she also submit to your primary, that should be made very clear as well. The fact that it happened while you weren't there makes it seem as if your primary had an inkling you wouldn't approve, but since you know your sub is not very assertive, you should speak up for her so that she will not feel uncomfortable in the future.

I understand your disappointment at not being there to guide her through her first sexual steps, but I'm sure she's in need of your attention now.

< Message edited by TheDiva -- 11/27/2006 1:37:24 PM >

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RE: In a bind, need advice on a personal crisis - 11/27/2006 1:38:27 PM

LaTigresse

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If it were I, Primary Partner would have hell to pay. Unless of course you were not utterly clear in how this whole deal was supposed to play out. Knowing men like I do, if you said ANYthing about him having sex with 24/7, that was just about all he heard and took it as a clear "go for it".

If you were not very clear in what was expected I would say the bulk of the responsibility lies on you.

I think all three of you need to have a sit down and work this out.

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RE: In a bind, need advice on a personal crisis - 11/27/2006 3:48:16 PM

MasterFireMaam

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Ok, issues I read here:

You are jealous. You're jealous and hurt that your primary got, or almost got, what you think is already yours: her first time. Only 24/7 can tell you if it's really meant to be yours. If this is what she desires, the two of you need to make it clear to your primary that this is the plan.

You're hurt that she didn't hold out for you...because that might be saying that you're not important to her. you need to be teaching her confidence in this and her right (and sometimes duty) to say no.

Is it that your primary didn't live up to HER trust or to YOURS? Definate trust issues here. I imagine you now are a bit wary of leaving them alone.

I'd be feeling all these things, too. Sometimes, it's helpful to have someone else point the issues out, though. The solution I see is communication. All three of you need to sit down and talk about what's going on. That your partner doesn't understand is partly your fault. That 24/7 didn't know it was part of her duty, as your submissive, to say no, is partly your fault. You need to find out if it's you she really wants to have the experience with. Perhaps she wants your partner or perhaps she wants both of you. You also need to find out, if your partner said he knew what was going on, why he behaved in a manner that hurt you.

Master Fire

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RE: In a bind, need advice on a personal crisis - 11/28/2006 4:07:50 PM

DifferentDomina

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I had a talk with him about this, quite a stern one indeed, I thought I had made the point clearly that she was not to submit to him now, but later when both of us were ready. Apparantly he needed me to paint a sign on her head or something, lol. I have been working hard to make sure she doesn't feel any resentment from me, and I had a long talk with her about what happened, where I checked for her feelings. I also asked her to write about what happened, and from that it seems she was ok with this for the most part and I am now doing damage control. Thank you for your input.

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RE: In a bind, need advice on a personal crisis - 11/28/2006 4:08:57 PM

DifferentDomina

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RE: In a bind, need advice on a personal crisis - 11/28/2006 4:10:29 PM

DifferentDomina

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You are right I think, what I am feeling is probably jealousy at some level, though it mostly feels like hurt and disapointment in the trust issue. Because yes, I also feel he betrayed my trust. I had thought this was not an issue. But I also feel he took advantage of the trust and position she sees him in as my primary.

Comunication is my route and what I have been doing a lot of since this happened. I am about drained, I've been doing so much communication, she also has been like glue on me since, she is so afraid she stepped into my area by this. I can't help but feel she should have had more restraint, but at the same time I know that she isn't strong in that area. So I try not to show it, since I know her self asteem can't take that at this time. She'd start beating on her self like crazy and that is not something she can take at this time.

I'm still in a bit of a turmoil, but almost getting to level. It helped a lot to word my consernes and get constructive feedback from you and the others.

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