Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Who's responsible, part 2.


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Who's responsible, part 2. Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 8:21:19 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		So, we've discussed who is responsible for maintainig the Ms or Ds dynamic in the relationships. Most said that it was a dual responsibility. The next question is: What can we do for ourselves and our partners if our, or their, attitude/dedication falters?

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 8:24:32 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline 		The first thing that pops in my head is to be happy with who you are, not just with who someone else makes you.

Nina

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 8:32:10 AM   
MmakeMme


Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline 		Ohhhhhh, I don't think there's anything you can do for the other when the relationship falters. The only only only person over whom one has control is oneself. You cannot ~make~ someone feel something not felt. You cannot force happiness or recovery or intelligence or self-assuredness on another. I think all there is to do is to free yourself and the other and go about life the best you can.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 9:08:44 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Em - i think i need more diet coke.  That and you can either wait it out if you find the person worthwhile.  Go with the flow if the relationship on the whole is good.  Talk to the person and find out why the new attitude, see if there isnt something there that needs to be worked out.  And of course - draw a line and tell them that they're crossing it and if they dont stop thats it. 

In my relationship - we just let things flow.

(in reply to MmakeMme)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 9:24:41 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Try talking to them. See if you are still on the same page or not. Decide for yourself whether the relationship as it now stands will be sufficient for you or not.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 9:44:36 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		i think communication is in order...and maybe a lil break from the stress of the d/s dymanic.....go over your vision map if you have one...find allignment in your goals...and if things need to be renegotiated....bring a focus to what is still working and build from there...
 
 

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 9:48:31 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
So, we've discussed who is responsible for maintainig the Ms or Ds dynamic in the relationships. Most said that it was a dual responsibility. The next question is: What can we do for ourselves and our partners if our, or their, attitude/dedication falters?

Master Fire

First you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to the other person and openly admit that your attitude/dedication is faltering.  I think this is absolutely the hardest step, but nothing can be done until this occurs.

This is also just as difficult for doms to do as it is for subs.

Once you openly admit it, often that in itself can create a great place of healing.  It's out, now you can deal with it.  It becomes more manageable. 

After that, it's a matter of pinpointing the cause(s), changing behaviors, letting time do its own work and continue communicating constantly.

There's no promises that we "go back to where we were" or "come together again in the way we need to" but at least it allows everyone to be who they are.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 1:52:54 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

So, we've discussed who is responsible for maintainig the Ms or Ds dynamic in the relationships. Most said that it was a dual responsibility. The next question is: What can we do for ourselves and our partners if our, or their, attitude/dedication falters?
Master Fire


Being in a new M/s relationship, this happens to some degree - one of U/us loses O/our focus. Now for those of you who are going to jump in and say whaddaya mean focus - you're either sub/dom or not. Well, to me it's like having a natural talent say for example, art. The natural talent, the innate desire takes you so far, but develop it, train it, focus on it and voila you become a GREAT artist - hopefully.
 
i see Dominance and submission in a similar vein. Natural feelings aren't always enough to keep the dynamic healthy and vibrant. i think focus, attention, and any other tools that strengthen and support the dynamic are important. And as a new slave, with a new Master W/we both have to remind each other/draw each other back in from time to time because it's easy to fall into habitual behaviors that, although aren't expressive of who W/we really are, have become second nature to some degree. Hope that made sense.

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 8:41:30 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

So, we've discussed who is responsible for maintainig the Ms or Ds dynamic in the relationships. Most said that it was a dual responsibility. The next question is: What can we do for ourselves and our partners if our, or their, attitude/dedication falters?

Master Fire

Well again it comes down to both..first off communication....then turning into Sherlock Holmes and discovering the core issue that is creating the problem.... Resolution.....communication.....Readjustment...communication...Tempting

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/28/2006 11:38:15 PM   
GentleDom3nNipps


Posts: 8
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline 		TemptingNviceSub has it cold, its really all about communication, being honest with yourself, and your partner or partners.  It is in knowing that problems may come up, and all relationships have there own eb an flow but its communication,love,trust,andresolve to solve it together that will help get it back on track.  All that is key is that all parties want to, and have the same resolution to overcome, and to make it work.  At its core Bdsm is about intimacy on all level's and that can not be possible with out honesty and definately communication.  In this Dom's opinion anyway

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/29/2006 12:04:13 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		When my relationship begins to become too vanilla and stale, I let my natural desire to dominate surface. I really am a sadistic bastard (but still a nice guy, ha) and when I don’t feel the sadistic side being fulfilled in the relationship, I’ll do something to become inspired again. The thoughtful side of me is thinking here that she is having similar urges from the submissive side about this time, but I can’t swear to it.

I may feel it in bed with her while kissing and doing the most ordinary, loving things. When the feel comes over me, I begin to talk to her differently, humiliate, hurt physically and make her understand her role.

It seems like these times come when she is turning into the perfectly little loving, sweet, almost vanilla-like, happy woman. That is when I need to slap her and when she needs to be slapped most. There is always a dynamic that is so strong the room air changes, the floor tilts and the room walls are the end of everything.

< Message edited by ExSteelAgain -- 11/29/2006 12:05:00 AM >

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/29/2006 6:42:58 AM   
Voltare


Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		That sounds like a catch-22 to me.  Something I've seen over and over in most relationships (vanilla or otherwise) I've seen was a gap in 'dedication' - inevitably, one party was almost always more dedicated than the other.  We've seen it in stereotype after movie after pop-rock song.  Let's draw from a common stereotype:

Bob's an investement broker.  Alice is a dutiful housewife.  Bob works 14 hours a day, has dinner with clients twice a week, and is focused on making 5 million dollars before he dies.  Alice cooks, cleans, takes care of their two kids and dog.  Alice feels she is devoted to her husband, by taking care of their house, children, and scrubbing the rings out of his shirts.  Bob feels that by paying for the house, cars, college funds, and the Visa Alice uses to buy groceries, he's devoted.  Who's right?  Who's wrong?  Obviously, this is a hollow stereotype (based on people I know in real life.)  To me, I didn't find either of them particularly devoted to the other.  How could we say, then, that the lack of dedication is faltering?  What could we do about it?  Likely nothing - that these two people are in basically unfulfilling relationships is the result of the choices they've made and the general lack of effort (and interest) they have in their relationship.  It's likely that once the children have gone on to said college (or near enough that they don't require full time non-financial parental support) that the couple will divorce, and pursue other interests - his of a younger, sleeker model of a wife, her with someone who strikes more of a balance between emotional and financial stability.

The point is that people become involved in relationships at different times, for different reasons.  We don't usually sit down with a roadmap to happiness, nor are we able to identify where and when we are going wrong - until well after the damage has been done.

But with this in mind, we'll find that if we have partnered with someone who we enjoy and complements us - and we have something to offer them as well, and we both (or all of us?) take the time to let the other know that they are important to us, and appreciated, it isn't likely that anyone will feel neglected or lacking in commitment:  save for the inevitability that people sometimes do grow and change, and not always closer to us.




_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/29/2006 3:57:41 PM   
impetuousone


Posts: 31
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

So, we've discussed who is responsible for maintainig the Ms or Ds dynamic in the relationships. Most said that it was a dual responsibility. The next question is: What can we do for ourselves and our partners if our, or their, attitude/dedication falters?

Master Fire



I absolutely agree that it is communication, communication, communication!  Who among us can say they have gone into any kind of relationship, no less a BDSM relationship knowing exactly what to expect under any circumstance?  The world revolves.  Our lives, as much as we may want them to be, are not 100% BDSM!  Real life, vanilla happenings bombard us!  S*#t happens.  Relationships evolve.  We have to be open and communicate our wants, needs, desires, and insecurities, not just in the beginning negotiations, but as time progresses.  We in this lifestyle profess to be so open and straightforward, but so many fall to the wayside, just as in vanilla relationships, due to the lack of communication.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/29/2006 5:05:33 PM   
BDSM05478


Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		Hold tight and talk. thats my 2 cents.

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to impetuousone)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/29/2006 5:10:49 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain


When the feel comes over me, I begin to talk to her differently, humiliate, hurt physically and make her understand her role.



jesus god almighty. Ive gotta stop coming here.

< Message edited by marieToo -- 11/29/2006 5:11:13 PM >

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/29/2006 5:49:51 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Thanks for all the input. I totally agree that there is a need to communicate, but I was more looking for examples of those little things we do to boost ourselves and/or our partners. I'm not talking about relying on out partner or expecting them to rely on us, to make it happen. Someone mentioned sitting at her Master's feet and putting her head in his lap helped reinforce the dynamic for them. What are some of the things that you all do?

For example, my friend and lover, Conan, is in a place in his life now that he needs to be in Dominant space. It's good for him, helps him heal and helps him come to terms with some things. To help support him and to help create an atomosphere that conducive for him, I bottom. I'm in a place in my life where I need to explore that and I'm strong enough to work through the fear I have about it. So, it's a win-win; we both remind each other how strong we are using the dynamic.

This is the kind of examples I was looking for...and now I know how to rephrase my question when I use it later. Any more comments?

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/29/2006 7:55:06 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

So, we've discussed who is responsible for maintainig the Ms or Ds dynamic in the relationships. Most said that it was a dual responsibility. The next question is: What can we do for ourselves and our partners if our, or their, attitude/dedication falters?


Maintain our values, extend ourselves further in a way that keeps communication open, give understanding to our partner. Everyone has to decide whether or not they want to continue to give when they feel they are not getting what they need back, and Ds/Ms is about power exchange. I do not believe that submissives are martyrs, and I also believe that we are individually responsible for our own happiness and life satisfaction. Instead of bemoaning a situation it is best to take action to make the situation more bearable, it is best to be proactive.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Who's responsible, part 2. - 11/30/2006 3:17:51 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain


When the feel comes over me, I begin to talk to her differently, humiliate, hurt physically and make her understand her role.



jesus god almighty. Ive gotta stop coming here.


Haha. You would have really died if I had said make her stand naked beside the bed for 30 seconds. LOL

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 18
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Who's responsible, part 2. Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094