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The second time around. - 11/28/2006 8:16:12 PM   
shaylaSC


Posts: 37
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline 		This is my first time starting a post so be kind !

My former Master and myself are working on getting things together once again, and part of me is lost in what of the past should be brought up.  Without going into private details that are only ours, here is the question...

Should the items that ended our relationship be the first thing we discuss as we begin to move forward again?  I know that communication is extremely important and that not hiding things that bother me is also important, but...should the hard things wait until later or come up right from the get go?

This is not coming out correctly so will end it there and hope I have made myself clear in some fashion.

shayla

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RE: The second time around. - 11/28/2006 8:18:25 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		What failures we don't learn from we are doomed to repeat.

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RE: The second time around. - 11/28/2006 8:19:36 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shaylaSC

This is my first time starting a post so be kind !

My former Master and myself are working on getting things together once again, and part of me is lost in what of the past should be brought up.  Without going into private details that are only ours, here is the question...

Should the items that ended our relationship be the first thing we discuss as we begin to move forward again?  I know that communication is extremely important and that not hiding things that bother me is also important, but...should the hard things wait until later or come up right from the get go?

This is not coming out correctly so will end it there and hope I have made myself clear in some fashion.

shayla

If you are working on re-establishing the relationship, in my own opinion, then yes, EVERYTHING should be discussed before hand, especially the things that caused the destruction in the first one.

Just my own opinion though

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
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Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

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RE: The second time around. - 11/28/2006 8:22:43 PM   
shaylaSC


Posts: 37
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline 		Ok, I actually agree.  So here comes the next question......

Do I bring it up or wait for him to do so?  When we were together I was always told to be very forward with any question, concern, or comment I needed to make.  The relationship was great and seemed that nothing could hurt it. 

Once the troubles began, I was lost in how to handle it, now I feel a bit drawnback to bring it all up..so should I wait for Him to do so, or jump in full force?

shayla

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leave the drama out of it huhhhhhhh

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RE: The second time around. - 11/28/2006 8:26:20 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I would flat out ask him how to handle it. "Sir I have some concerns I'm not sure how to sort out. x,y & z still frighten me. "

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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RE: The second time around. - 11/28/2006 8:31:21 PM   
whisperedsighs


Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline 		I would bring it up.  Be polite, but don't be a door mat.  These are important issues to you.  He will either respect you and have a conversation about them or not.  And you can decide from there what you want to do with it.

I may be judging, with limited information, but I kind of get a feeling you are afraid to bring these things up in fear of upsetting him and losing him. Therefore I have to ask what do you have if these are the things that ended your relationship before, and they are not addressed?

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oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

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RE: The second time around. - 11/28/2006 8:49:31 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shaylaSC

Ok, I actually agree.  So here comes the next question......

Do I bring it up or wait for him to do so?  When we were together I was always told to be very forward with any question, concern, or comment I needed to make.  The relationship was great and seemed that nothing could hurt it. 

Once the troubles began, I was lost in how to handle it, now I feel a bit drawnback to bring it all up..so should I wait for Him to do so, or jump in full force?

shayla

Hmm, respectfully let him know that you have some concerns about the relationship. Either he is going to want to discuss them, or he is going to want to ignore them. One or the other is going to tell you how to proceed next

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

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RE: The second time around. - 11/28/2006 9:26:13 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'm confused why this discussion didn't occur BEFORE you DECIDED to try and make another go of it?  How did you decide to try again without even discussing and working on what caused the break up to begin with?

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RE: The second time around. - 11/29/2006 8:44:13 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		It doesn't matter what order things happened in. I'm betting that the last things that happened were merely "the last straw" extensions of an initial problem.

Just because you are surrendering to him does not mean you do not have a repsonsibility for your own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. If something is causing you a degree of pain in any of those areas, it's your responsibility to bring it up. I know that can be hard. Admitting that you are hurt is admitting that you are vulnerable. But, if you want the pain to stop, you have to speak up.

Master Fire


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RE: The second time around. - 11/29/2006 9:08:58 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Should the items that ended our relationship be the first thing we discuss as we begin to move forward again?  I know that communication is extremely important and that not hiding things that bother me is also important, but...should the hard things wait until later or come up right from the get go?


From personal experience I have to say that the times I have tried to resurrect old flames did not work because the basic structure of the relationship was unchanged, but usually I had changed. In other words the human spirit cannot help but move forward. Old patterns may have felt comfortable at first, but once one has outgrown something it is usually over.

I will also note that we did not concentrate on the bad times, or the things that broke us up when we tried again, and that alone doomed it to failure. There is this sense of having a person back in your life that you care for, some excitement surrounding that, but if the issues are not dealt with it will not work. It is better to try to work things out when both are willing to cooperate and compromise then it is to wait until the old patterns cause anger and discontent to intrude.

My experiences may not be relevent to your reality.


_____________________________

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: The second time around. - 11/29/2006 1:08:00 PM   
gentlethistle


Posts: 186
Joined: 10/28/2005
Status: offline 		shayla

I have recently been through the process of resuming a relationship.  In my case the break up had only happened a few weeks prior, but the break down had been happening for some months.  So things have been complicated by the fact that I was still very raw from the original split.

In my case, it was very important to me to express what I felt had gone wrong...and also, not to simply ignore that on resumption, to raise it and discuss.  Also, both of us had some very honest conversations about what we thought was good and bad about our relationship and the external circumstances that pose difficulties for us.  I think I have also realised that I cannot simply rely on my dominant to question me about how I feel...and that I have to be forthcoming and simply express any doubts that I have as honestly and non-confrontationally as I can, rather than bottling them up.

Having done all that exchanging, given that we want to go forward rather than back...I have, personally, tried to concentrate my attention mainly on the things that are good about the relationship, the things that work, the reasons that I wanted to give things a chance again when I was offered that opportunity.

So, my advice would be that if there's a dirty great elephant in the room..it's probably worth pointing and going 'hey, look at that'.  If you both decide to concentrate on drinking tea and eating sandwiches for a little while before you figure out what to do with the elephant then that's just fine...so long as neither of you is in a panic about how you're going to clean the carpet if Nelly isn't house-trained.  But sooner or later, if you don't discuss it...you're going to get tired of walking round that elephant...so....the choice of when to get to grips with it is yours (plural)...

Whatever your chosen approach..good luck.  I hope things work out for you one way or another.

Laura

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RE: The second time around. - 11/29/2006 2:20:26 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Definitely address the issues that caused the break up. It's important for both of you to clear up misunderstandings and apologize for the things you did to hurt each other. Unresolved resentment will destroy any chance of the relationship working. Burying unresolved issues or hurt feelings never works because it always comes out sooner or later.

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RE: The second time around. - 11/30/2006 9:28:32 AM   
shaylaSC


Posts: 37
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'm confused why this discussion didn't occur BEFORE you DECIDED to try and make another go of it?  How did you decide to try again without even discussing and working on what caused the break up to begin with?


I may have worded this wrong.  When I said we were trying, I did not intend to mean that we were once more living together.  This is the discussion phase, and though I knew the reasons that caused the break-up needed to be discussed, I was hoping for advice on when and how to bring it up. 

< Message edited by shaylaSC -- 11/30/2006 9:30:57 AM >

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leave the drama out of it huhhhhhhh

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RE: The second time around. - 11/30/2006 9:30:17 AM   
shaylaSC


Posts: 37
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your advice.  We are set to meet on Saturday and talk.  The first thing I will be bringing up is the issues that gave us trouble in the past.

shayla

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leave the drama out of it huhhhhhhh

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RE: The second time around. - 11/30/2006 9:32:22 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ohhh.

"So how can we make sure we don't follow the same path we did last time?" is a great opener.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: The second time around. - 11/30/2006 9:37:29 AM   
shaylaSC


Posts: 37
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you, that is a great opener.

Think I will use it. 

_____________________________

leave the drama out of it huhhhhhhh

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The second time around. - 11/30/2006 9:57:05 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		If the reason the relationship fell apart in the first place was the same for both of you then talking about it might not provide a solution. It might be that you just need different things from it. Or that you are basically wrong for one another.
However if you have different reasons talking about them may help.
Let's face it it can't do any harm.
You both have time and energy invested in it. You are obviously both willing to keep working at it.
That counts for a lot I would say.
I really hope it works.

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RE: The second time around. - 11/30/2006 4:49:39 PM   
desoutter


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline 		truth in honesty
truth in disclosure...
in my opinion are two different things....

honesty is telling the truth...
disclosure is telling everything...

as for your dilema... honesty - communication, followed by disclosure....
if you overlook a problem early on it isnt going to fix itself... and go away... it usually hangs around and turns into a big pain in the ass...

be honest with yourself - communicate and you cant go wrong... CMON! humanity 101...
desoutter's opinion
good luck

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When the going gets weird... the weird turn pro.

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