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How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 3:47:49 PM   
BeautifulRacket


Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline 		The title says most of it, but I'll elaborate a bit for clarity. A lot of the (male) subs I've spoken to/met have given me the impression that they expect to get involved physically/sexually rather quickly after meeting in RL, in spite of claiming they want a serious, stable relationship that goes well beyond sexual interaction. There is NOTHING wrong with this, IMO - it just seems there might be some different expectations than I've experienced in the vanilla world.

If you're a sub/slave/pickyourlabel looking for a serious, RL, D/s relationship, I'd really like to hear how quickly you generally expect to get physically involved when you find someone you seem to connect well with in person. After one, three or ten dates? (It doesn't have to be exact, I'm just looking for a ballpark from people).

It'd also be helpful if you'd specify whether you're male or female, and how long you've been in the lifestyle, as I'd like to see if there are any correlations.

You're also more than welcome to share your experiences from the other side/related to this topic, and any theories on why there might be a difference in expectations when the D/s dynamic is present (or perhaps it's due to meeting on a site where we put sexual stuff out there from the start?).

< Message edited by BeautifulRacket -- 11/30/2006 4:07:08 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 4:04:07 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		What is a "pyl"?

My Lord and I didn't even have a date.  After chatting and talking on the phone for about 6 months, we met in person, he took me to a fire play demo, took me back to the hotel and we had sex that night.  For us it was a good decision.  For others, it might be a horrible decision.

We have known each other 2 years now and that is how long I have been in the lifestyle.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
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RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 4:14:57 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulRacket


If you're a sub/slave/pickyourlabel looking for a serious, RL, D/s relationship, I'd really like to hear how quickly you generally expect to get physically involved when you find someone you seem to connect well with in person. After one, three or ten dates? (It doesn't have to be exact, I'm just looking for a ballpark from people).


It depends on the energy. With some it comes quickly, with others it may never happen. If it feels right at the time, then it's right and the quantity of time it's taken to get there doesn't matter to me. If I'm ready, I'm certainly not going to turn down something which may be a hell of a lot of fun just because we haven't passed some magic number of dates or hours together yet.

quote:

It'd also be helpful if you'd specify whether you're male or female, and how long you've been in the lifestyle, as I'd like to see if there are any correlations.


Female - 24 years r/t, 0 years cyber. (Which really sucks because I've heard that for every year in cyber you get to add at least 5 to r/t and I could actually have been in BDSM longer than I've been alive if I had played my cards right!)

quote:

You're also more than welcome to share your experiences from the other side/related to this topic, and any theories on why there might be a difference in expectations when the D/s dynamic is present (or perhaps it's due to meeting on a site where we put sexual stuff out there from the start?).


I don't have relationships which don't have an element of BDSM or D/s to them, so I can't really answer this question but to me, energy is energy so I imagine I'd feel the same way without regard to any external influence denoted by a couple of acronyms.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
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RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 4:15:37 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		I, too, would like to know what pyl is.  It is difficult to answer your question because you are asking others to define for you something we cannot.  All of your questions depend on those involved, situations and feelings, thoughts and ... everything that makes a relationship progress (or not). 

Sounds like research for a thesis or something ... call my synical.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
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RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 4:17:01 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

I, too, would like to know what pyl is. 


pyl = pick your label

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 4:18:53 PM   
BeautifulRacket


Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

What is a "pyl"?
pyl = "pick your label" = sub/slave/whatever someone in a non-dominant position wants to call themselves. PYL is the all-inclusive counterpart. Sorry about that, and I've edited my post to clarify.

quote:

My Lord and I didn't even have a date.  After chatting and talking on the phone for about 6 months, we met in person, he took me to a fire play demo, took me back to the hotel and we had sex that night.  For us it was a good decision.  For others, it might be a horrible decision.

We have known each other 2 years now and that is how long I have been in the lifestyle.

Knight's kyra
Thanks for sharing.

I don't see sex after talking extensively for 6 months as quick for me, and that's a different situation than I'm experiencing. I'm meeting local people for a platonic meeting/date after emailing a bit, then deciding whether we want to continue dating and trying to build a relationship, so it's hardly like we know each other well after meeting for the first time.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 4:34:54 PM   
SamKeithsslave


Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulRacket
If you're a sub/slave/pickyourlabel looking for a serious, RL, D/s relationship, I'd really like to hear how quickly you generally expect to get physically involved when you find someone you seem to connect well with in person. After one, three or ten dates? (It doesn't have to be exact, I'm just looking for a ballpark from people).

As I tend to spend a lot of time online first chatting with someone my answer would be immediately upon meeting - I mean we'd get home first *maybe* - LOL. I'm a female who has been in the lifestyle on and off for 22ish years.

It'd also be helpful if you'd specify whether you're male or female, and how long you've been in the lifestyle, as I'd like to see if there are any correlations.

You're also more than welcome to share your experiences from the other side/related to this topic, and any theories on why there might be a difference in expectations when the D/s dynamic is present (or perhaps it's due to meeting on a site where we put sexual stuff out there from the start?).


_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 4:39:33 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulRacket
pyl = "pick your label"


Thank you, will have to add that acronym to the list  *g*

quote:

Thanks for sharing.

I don't see sex after talking extensively for 6 months as quick for me, and that's a different situation than I'm experiencing. I'm meeting local people for a platonic meeting/date after emailing a bit, then deciding whether we want to continue dating and trying to build a relationship, so it's hardly like we know each other well after meeting for the first time.



My pleasure.  Some people would not see it as different and would not consider the 6 months of chat and phone as knowing each other well.  However, like you I see the difference. 

For myself, I don't measure my comfort in physical intimacy by time.  There have been people I have known for years and have no desire to be physically intimate with.  Then there are others that within minutes I am comfortable enough for physical intimacy.  It all depends on the connection that I have with the other person and not how long I have known them.

Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 4:45:22 PM   
BeautifulRacket


Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

I, too, would like to know what pyl is.  It is difficult to answer your question because you are asking others to define for you something we cannot.  All of your questions depend on those involved, situations and feelings, thoughts and ... everything that makes a relationship progress (or not). 

Sounds like research for a thesis or something ... call my synical.

Dear Synical,

No, this is not research for a thesis, nor am I expecting anyone to define anything for me. I'm simply wondering if it's common to expect to jump right into the sexual activity when both people have said that's not what they're looking to base their relationship on.

I'm very open emotionally and sexually, but I do need to know and trust someone before clothes come off. For me, that requires spending a fair amount of time together, whether in person or on the phone and online (though it generally takes less time in person, so that's what I prefer). I don't have a set number of dates or time limit, but in general, one, two, or even three dates isn't enough for me to know and trust someone at the level I need to have sex. I'm pretty clear about my need to go at a slower pace, yet the subs I've met are still very eager to jump right into the thick of it (there's some sub frenzy going on there, I'm sure).

Anyway, I'm not looking for advice, I'd just like your opinions and experiences on the pace of phyiscal involvement.

(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 4:58:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I expect to get physical when we both want to and feel it's the right thing to do.

Could be the first time we meet, could be in a few years, could ve never.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 5:12:11 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		It's proven (somewhere - I have no patience to find it) ... (typically) men are ready ... sex means closeness.  Women, on the other hand (typically) need a closer emotional connection. 

Edited to add: In response to your original question about "how long before sexual contact" ... I honestly can't remember, it didn't matter.  It was an experiment in a way ... We are both so different now and still learning ... happily :)

Bottom line ... if it feels right, do it.  If it doesn't ... maybe it could?  No matter what ... there's always the choice of "redo", and there's always wait.  I think wait (for too long) just adds more pressure (but that's me ...)

< Message edited by babysburnin -- 11/30/2006 5:20:51 PM >

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 6:31:25 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Master made me wait till after I had cooked for him...........that was about..lets see...5 hour drive home from airport...couple of hours unpacking and getting situated...cooking minestrone from scratch.....he is so cruel

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 6:51:32 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I am female, submissive, 38, and I have been investigating the lifestyle for over 4 years I guess, and I have been actively pursuing it for 3 or so roughly... its hard to remember.

My Daddy and I talked on the phone and emailed/instant messaged for about 2 months. We had sex and played the first time we met. We have been seeing each other in real life since early May, so going on 7 months.. talking for nearly 9. We are working the kinks out to merging our lives. I am glad I made this decision even if tomorrow it ended for some reason. He has had a very positive influence on my life.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/30/2006 6:54:12 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
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RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 8:06:46 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulRacket

The title says most of it, but I'll elaborate a bit for clarity. A lot of the (male) subs I've spoken to/met have given me the impression that they expect to get involved physically/sexually rather quickly after meeting in RL, in spite of claiming they want a serious, stable relationship that goes well beyond sexual interaction. There is NOTHING wrong with this, IMO - it just seems there might be some different expectations than I've experienced in the vanilla world.

If you're a sub/slave/pickyourlabel looking for a serious, RL, D/s relationship, I'd really like to hear how quickly you generally expect to get physically involved when you find someone you seem to connect well with in person. After one, three or ten dates? (It doesn't have to be exact, I'm just looking for a ballpark from people).

It'd also be helpful if you'd specify whether you're male or female, and how long you've been in the lifestyle, as I'd like to see if there are any correlations.

You're also more than welcome to share your experiences from the other side/related to this topic, and any theories on why there might be a difference in expectations when the D/s dynamic is present (or perhaps it's due to meeting on a site where we put sexual stuff out there from the start?).


Totally depends on the dynamic and chemisty of the couple I'd think.

Some of the guys I dated through the years I never slept with. Some I waited a month or two, some I waited a week or two.

With Sir, we started talking online in May, met in June and I broke my standard rule  after spending the afternoon together i agreed to spend the night. Which when you didn't pack for an overnight trip makes things interesting lol.

I don't think there is a set of rules or guidelines that is followed or should be followed. Everyone needs to do what they feel is right at the time.

I have a tendancy to remain distant or do not become emotionally involved with people for a long while. When I met Sir it was totally different. I can't say why, it just was, and it just felt right to proceed the way we did.

I think by meeting on this site, it took away all that awkward " How do I tell the other person what I'm into" phase that happens alot in dating. By wanting a stable, rl, relationship you do have to make an effort to get to know all the sides of your partner not just the kink sides, but you can't play all the time so you use that time to talk and learn and discouver things about your partner. You have to be compatable in more then just a sexual aspect.



_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 11:18:57 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		I generally play it by ear and as a male submissive, I tend to wait until she decides it is the right time. I'm in ZERO hurry whatsoever. I'm somewhat of a rarity in this, but I don't go into these types of relationships seeking sex. It's just not my way. That doesn't mean I'm anti-sex or anything like that, but I'm much more about the context of the relationship than I am in the physical aspects that I figure will come along if it's meant to be.

With one dominant partner, we were together years before she decided to have actual sex with me. With another, she tied me up that first night and consumated that relationship almost immediately. Both circumstances felt right to me. There was a lot of other "stuff" going on during those relationships that actual sex wasn't of the utmost importance to me; just being with her was a joy itself; doing things for her was wonderful. Like I said, I'm really not like other guys. Well, like some, but not like most.


_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

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RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 11/30/2006 11:39:12 PM   
BORAT


Posts: 37
Joined: 11/10/2006
Status: offline 		In my country we are do these things fast.  As long as woman is not mule or cow, we makes marriage eight day after first bastard is borning.

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 12/1/2006 12:07:21 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		James and I didn't either, He came over and with in an hour we were for playing, and then after lunch outright sex. I was the one who told him no play on first meets, and it turns out the energy was right and the chemistry was too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists


My Lord and I didn't even have a date.  took me back to the hotel and we had sex that night.  For us it was a good decision.  For others, it might be a horrible decision.

\

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 12/1/2006 12:15:53 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		It's amazing how no one ever comments on Borat.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 12/1/2006 12:23:49 AM   
MasterKalif


Posts: 648
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

It's amazing how no one ever comments on Borat.


true, specially when he has a romp with his friend Azamat...I would rather forget that scene though LOL....Borat is the best!!!

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How quickly do you expect to get involved? - 12/1/2006 12:27:53 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Angel and I actualy had no plans on getting involved.  We met face to face and that was that.  However, sexually, we are still not involved yet. We have been together for 6 months, he has been collared for 4 and I will not touch him sexually until I am sure the relaitonship is stable face to face.  I move to Nashville to be with him (among other reasons) in 5 weeks. Once I can trust that our relationship base is strong, we will move ahead.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

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