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julietsierra -> RE: Truth (12/1/2006 3:41:15 AM)
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At first I typed this generically, but in rereading, I realized you asked specifically about the behavior of submissives, so I changed this up to more appropriately address your question. However, any of these things can be easily switched around so that the roles are reversed.
I don't think relationships generally end in one fell swoop. Most of the time, it's the accumulation of "the little things." It's the time the submissive calls and the Dominant is unavailable - over and over again. By the time the two people see each other, the submissive is just so happy that they are finally seeing each other that he/she says nothing. The submissive honestly believes that he or she has let it go and it's no big deal. But it is. Our minds are nifty little catalogs - even when we don't want them to be, and even when we don't plan them to be. That moment just gets stored away up there and when things are a bit more difficult, that memory and many others get brought out, almost in list form.
It's the time the submissive did try to talk to the other person and chose the wrong time, the wrong day, the wrong way to attempt this. Instead of listening and trying to understand what the submissive was saying, the dominant got defensive, and said things that gave the impression that the submissive's position in that relationship was nebulous at best. From that moment on, that "threat" (even if not intended as a threat) makes itself known and the submissive who was trying to talk about what he or she felt starts to censor what he or she says. Very rarely, in my experience do we get past this threat once issued - and we carry it to other relationships, watching what we say so that we never get issued that threat.
It's the times when Dominants feel that simple signs of affection are somehow not a part of what a D/s relationship is. I guess it's a fear of being that vulnerable - I don't know. Don't tell someone you care, and eventually, the person not being told begins to think that the feelings aren't there. The submissive simply get tired of waiting to hear they're valued and begin the process of preparing to move on. On into the catalog those feelings go.
It happens in those first few conversations we have with each other when we're busy being defensive and are still trying to protect ourselves and we hear from the dominant, "if you don't like something, the best thing is to just walk away." That's great at the beginning, but later on, when our hearts are involved, our fears then become "if he doesn't like what I say, he'll leave." We say nothing. That fear was already in our catalog.
Yes, many of these, if not all of these have to deal with insecurity, and yes, there are some people out there who are so secure they'd never ever ever take part in these examples, but I'd venture to say, and with no data to back me up, that most of us face many of these situations often. And they're never really intended - or even hoped for.
The other side of that insecurity coin though is that if dominants are taking the lead, they have to realize that HOW they lead often creates environments where we say nothing, out of fear we're jeopardizing the very thing that NOT saying anything jeopardizes.
It's mixed up. It's really mixed up.
juliet
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