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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/6/2006 11:22:38 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
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Persist man, persist. I admire your courage and what you're going though.

The feeling is *real* and I hope our adivce helps.

(in reply to acctonthelook)

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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/11/2006 6:22:53 AM

dskittyn22

Posts: 29
Joined: 11/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: qilnos

As for the relationship with my friend, I dont know what to do... She is my friend first, but I get around her and I get the jitters.. How do I keep the friendship, and some how lessin the "junkie feeling"...

Which brings up another question all together... Is this feeling I have about being a Dom, real or is it just her... Basicly am I actually a Dom ?? Or is it just something else all together ?? Or is it just I know domiant personalities exict her and I am being that way on purpose ?

So, how is this working out for you? Any progress?

_____________________________

I do it for the joy it brings, 'cause I am a joyful girl, 'cause the world owes me nothing, we owe eachother the world, - Ani DiFranco

(in reply to qilnos)

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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/11/2006 8:17:14 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
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Very good advice here!
i would also like to add that i lost a brother to suicide and my mother to liver failure whithin months of each other...it will fuck with your world. About the same time i was discovering my submissive side and made many mistakes because i thought i needed a master/dom to fix everything - to take me away from my life. That was grief. When i worked through it, i became much more rational about my submissive needs and focus them on service and self improvemnet instead of escape.
Time, self reflection, and permission to grieve are the keys...but hang around here and read and find some comunity with this side of yourself - thats what i did and when i was really ready for it, i was better prepared.
so very sorry for your loss :-(

quote:

ORIGINAL: xBullx

Tal Quilnos,

I have to say this is one you don’t expect to read when you sign on. I am going to tell you this. There are some very deep and very intelligent people here that will surely write a response to your thread. The suggestion about therapy is very good if you’re struggling in any way with a loss like yours. Most all men and women dominants here will tell you one thing. You must first master yourself in order to master another. And though you may have a natural dominance within you, to take control of another for any duration of time should be with a clear and open mind. I will tell you that I have explored many sides of the M/s lifestyles. I have done tons of soul searching and without having anything close to the kind of loss you must be facing it was neither a fast or easy process to come to terms with the man I am. So don’t rush yourself. Enjoy your present life for what it is as you explore this undiscovered side of yourself. I would say start by doing exactly what your doing here study the experiences others describe here in forums, in any forums, interact, meet likeminded people that are just suited for discussion without to many ulterior motives. Take some time to get to know yourself and the man you now feeling yourself to be. When you have conquered yourself you may discover that the sub/slave you want is already in your house.

Live well, and I wish you peace,

Bull

(in reply to xBullx)

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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/11/2006 8:25:23 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
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" Even though I'm a sub and in this lifestyle, I can honestly say I agree with shadevarr. Do it slowly, but smart. Calculate each move of dominance. She will not really realise what your doing at first, because she's not really aware of what being a submissive really is or does for her Master.

I also agree with Focus...I have always been attracted to Dominate men and since I'm also bisexual, Dominate woman that have weak spots in there character. Yet, I can only respond in a submissive manor with Dominate man (because they are MEN, real MEN

) but the attraction is there.

Counseling would be good to address the death in your family, but Bdsm will have to come from a whole other part of you and your studies about the lifestyle. I think it's extremely positive that you can still WANT your wife. The desire is still there for you. Remember her response was out of fear and her being maybe afraid of the 'good girl/ bad girl' syndrome. My recommendation because I'm a sub is to not wait for her to agree, Do it. Do things daily, slowly, methodically. When you make love introduce Bdsm as others have advised. Maybe if you do certain things slowly, you will start to see the change or pleasure within her to please you. Speak to her sternly a little at a time. Somewhat jokingly (to ease her into it) give her orders but what they really are are assignments you want her to complete to make her a better sub for you and make her a better person from the lesson you have given.

One post mentioned that it took 2 yrs of courting within the M/s or D/s realm to get his wife into the lifestyle. I think that's so awesome that he felt his wife was worth his time and effort! Slowly Bdsm can turn a relationship around as one post stated. Man what a turn around if done right and slowly for the both of you. Continue posting, reading and be sure to search for reading materials within the message boards. You will eventually find out who you really are (meaning the type of Master/ Daddy/ Switch etc) and in that you can help your wife find herself easier too. Remember, sometimes something new is scary. Guide her slowly!!! Remember she said "Oh thats cool, I guess.." NOT "Oh my God, get out your freeking weirdo! "

Excellent advice!

< Message edited by dawntreader -- 12/11/2006 8:27:04 AM >

(in reply to acctonthelook)

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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/12/2006 3:46:57 AM

ChaOz

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Joined: 10/11/2006
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You could get your wife to read the Gor books, or simply set aside a few hours to talk to her about it, explain how its 'clicked' for you and you want to explore it and then do some light play at a schedualed hour every week so it becomes something she looks forward to and anticipates which is big for women. Learn about her, as you would study a submissive, but you should know your wife at this point. With your friend, be honest there, say you dont want to ruin the friendship but cannot play with her again, maybe have some time apart. David Shades sex guide books are great, and they give info on how to be more forceful in bed while still remaining respectful. If you learn how to increase her physical pleasure in bed while introducing her to submissiveness it could hook her in, you will need to think about how to get her emotionally invested in it but in the end it would be worth the ride. I dont think its a situation where she will either accept it or not, but rather to what degree she will allow herself to submit, let her work that out for herself so she feels in control.

(in reply to dawntreader)

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RE: Looking for some help.... - 12/12/2006 4:15:05 PM

ChaOz

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Joined: 10/11/2006
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So you could for instance start of with her telling you what she wants to experience in a scene, so she goes and reads up on stuff, just general ideas but on the condition that if she doesnt come up with something for a session you can do what you want with her... eventually she will give into that and hopefully by then you would have addressed many issues so shes ready for it mentally.

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Post #: 26