Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding the domme in yourself?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding the domme in yourself?

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Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding the ... - 12/3/2006 10:57:00 AM

degradess

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Not sure how to state this exactly. I have found in myself a strong urge to be a domme. However, this is mostly present when I have a strong dom I am involved with and since losing my last dom with whom I was VERY close as a freind and dom, I am finding myself shutting down on all of that even my interest in sex in general. Has anyone else found that they need a catalyst in a strong dom to really get all of their sexuality going? Furthermore, what do you do to get that back when there's not dom around that you can connect with? I am kind of lost and wondering what to do. If anyone has an idea email me. I would like to talk more directly about this. Otherwise leave a message on this board.

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< Message edited by ModeratorEleven -- 12/3/2006 9:45:32 PM >

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 11:04:33 AM

Kalira

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From: Fort Wayne Indiana
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quote:

Has anyone else found that they need a catalyst in a strong dom to really get all of their sexuality going?

Nope, not at all.

quote:

Furthermore, what do you do to get that back when there's not dom around that you can connect with

Hmm, I am unclear as to what you are asking here. Get what back?

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 11:45:47 AM

MmakeMme

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degredess, could it be that your desire to dominate when you're with a strong Domme is your wish to emulate Her behavior? It is called transference in some circles (don't know about in the D/s relationship) and I think it is natural. When I am with strong people with whom I am comfortable and connected, I am strong. When I am with quiet people, I become more still. If you don't wish to dominate when you are faced alone with a willing and pleasing submissive, that would be my guess, and in that case I think you would be a switch, not Dominant. And even then, I could conceive of you as being submissive, emulating your Mistress's behavior in order to be pleasing, a' la power exchange.

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 12:03:15 PM

angharad

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Joined: 10/7/2006
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The deeper in submission to one I am, the less submissive I behave in general, to the point I'm not sure I could be submissive again. Its not sexual dominance that holds any attraction for me, but the control and the responsibility and doing it my way lol.

Its slightly paradoxical, that I can be very submissive, yet the more dominant I become at the same time. Perhaps I find submission empowering, and submit for desire alone.

Just my wandering musings, this is a grey area for me also. But learning is its own empowerment :)

angharad

to add, I wouldnt have become half the person I am without submission. Submission will always be the fire in me.

< Message edited by angharad -- 12/3/2006 12:04:51 PM >

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 12:33:48 PM

MasterFireMaam

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From first glance, it sounds to me as if you are basing your identity on the presence/approval of another. You'll need to learn to approve of and foster your own well being and self worth. It's not an easy thing to do, but there are a lot of self-help sources, including therapy, that can aide you.

Master Fire

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 2:29:28 PM

Missokyst

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Its not so unusual to shut down your sexuality after the end of a relationship. My own ended earlier this year and I still cannot think of engaging in activity beyond minor chatting. They tell me that comes back over time.
Your desire to dominate may come back into force once you have gotten over that sense of loss. I am trying to recoup my own, by keeping my mind active within my community of kinksters. In the past this has helped me move forward while depending on myself.
Kyst

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 2:53:07 PM

LotusSong

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So you do not feel you exist as a dominant without a dom partner? Does not compute.

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 2:54:44 PM

LTRsubNW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: degradess

Not sure how to state this exactly. I have found in myself a strong urge to be a domme. However, this is mostly present when I have a strong dom I am involved with and since losing my last dom with whom I was VERY close as a freind and dom, I am finding myself shutting down on all of that even my interest in sex in general. Has anyone else found that they need a catalyst in a strong dom to really get all of their sexuality going? Furthermore, what do you do to get that back when there's not dom around that you can connect with? I am kind of lost and wondering what to do. If anyone has an idea IM me on yahoo messenger under this name. I would like to talk more directly about this. Otherwise leave a message on this board.

Wow.

I can only say...."Huh?"

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 2:55:51 PM

LTRsubNW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

Does not compute.

(I'm fairly certain that's exactly what I just said :)

< Message edited by LTRsubNW -- 12/3/2006 2:56:36 PM >

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 4:29:27 PM

mp072004

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If you're saying that when you have agreed to submit to a person, this provokes in you a desire to dominate other people, *and* if you're using those words to refer to power and authority, not sensation, I wonder if you might be most comfortable as a "middle". A middle obeys a dominant and is obeyed by a submissive.

If, however, you're saying that when you're doing kinky stuff as a bottom, you get the urge to do kinky stuff as a top as well, then you like to switch. When you, say, get spanked, you are reminded that spanking people is fun, and so you want to go spank someone. A gentleman I know likes to schedule consecutive topping and bottoming scenes, claiming that this allows a sort of equalizing or balance. Perhaps that's how you work.

As earlier posters have written, it's not unusual for you to shut down your sexuality in the absence of a partner, especially if you're emotionally upset. I can't imagine why you would want to increase your sexual desire without a ready sex partner. It seems that it would be convenient to not want to have sex when it would be difficult to have sex.

Monica

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RE: Is being with the right dom a catalyst for finding ... - 12/3/2006 4:29:41 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I find that being secure and feeling safe allows people to explore inward and enjoy parts of themselves they were unaware of previously.

I also know that being in new relationships can also be a catalyst towards finding new parts of one's self or new ways of reacting.

But I wouldn't suggest that "being with a strong dom tends to enact someone towards being a strong dom themselves."

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