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Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 10:21:19 AM

Steelriven

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I've been reading other posts, and happened to pull out a topic that seemed interesting.

When I first started sceneing I had no idea I was in a BDSM relationship. I had no idea that there was this massive comunity out there, and millions of people who shared or felt the same way.

So here's the question. Does one really need a mentor? I do belive in educating oneself, but is it truly needed to consider oneself submissive, or dominant or what have you?

And in that case are all those people out there who enjoy BDSM with out really knowing what the actual deffinition is BDSMers?

Or do you really need to know others, look things up online or in a book to be considered a BDSMer?

I'm curious as to what others think, um well as always heh.

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 10:26:20 AM

Archer

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Taking the literal question, No you do not NEED a mentor.
Can a mentor be usefull? Helpfull? A good thing? For most anyone I would contend YES they can be.

For most people if they start looking at the sites and reading the books and all that suff they will come to a certain level of understanding given that same person and putting them with an appropriate mentor or mentors, giving them cotact with others to discuss BDSM, and they will far surpass the level of understanding they would have had without it.

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 10:30:00 AM

AquaticSub

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I would say that while not needed, a mentor is incredibly useful for both dominant and submissive. There are many things that we do that could be harmful for the submissive, both physically and emotionally, and the advice of an experienced dominant/master is invaluable but also needs to be weighed in consideration with what is right for you.

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 10:30:30 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Steelriven
Does one really need a mentor? I do belive in educating oneself, but is it truly needed to consider oneself submissive, or dominant or what have you?

No. I

quote:

And in that case are all those people out there who enjoy BDSM with out really knowing what the actual deffinition is BDSMers?

Sure. Getting into kinky stuff is based on our inner desires- not hearing about a term in a book or online.

quote:

Or do you really need to know others, look things up online or in a book to be considered a BDSMer?

Nope.

However, I don't call all relationships "ds" nor do I consider a relationship Ds just because one person tends to make the decisions, or because they are following some social rules of relationships that they feel they should.

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 10:30:55 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Steelriven
So here's the question. Does one really need a mentor? I do belive in educating oneself, but is it truly needed to consider oneself submissive, or dominant or what have you?

No. Your post sort of relates to my post the other day about if all protocols and rituals and stuff ceased to exist. The "Sirs", the "yes Masters", the bowing and kneeling, the third person speech, the capping, the caged and naked, the rituals....etc., etc., ......all of those things we do, all of those things we use....are kinks....or preferences...but they are not requirements to qualify one as submissive or Dominant.

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 10:45:26 AM

ownedgirlie

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I suppose it's up to the individual. I don't need to be associated with any particular group to submit to my Master. I do, however, appreciate the shared knowledge from others, that might help me to think about something differently and that might help me overcome a hurdle I am struggling with. But that's the case in all aspects of life, not just my slavery.

However, I have in the past, had a male dominant friend who kind of kept his eye out for me in the early days of discovering my submission. I was a pretty lost soul and would get myself into unhealthy predicaments. I did consider him a mentor, though, just someone who checked in on me from time to time, and gave me invaluable advise.

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 10:49:32 AM

Archer

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Now just to be fair all around Take the same person as my earlier case put them with the inappropriate mentor, and the will reach a level of understanding lower than if they had not had one at all. In fact they might end up in worse shape than they startedout in the begining.

< Message edited by Archer -- 12/4/2006 10:50:04 AM >

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 11:07:18 AM

TPEOwner

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Steelriven

I've been reading other posts, and happened to pull out a topic that seemed interesting.

When I first started sceneing I had no idea I was in a BDSM relationship. I had no idea that there was this massive comunity out there, and millions of people who shared or felt the same way.

So here's the question. Does one really need a mentor? I do belive in educating oneself, but is it truly needed to consider oneself submissive, or dominant or what have you?

With very few exceptions, I would recomend running from anyone aproaching you seeking to mentor you. Mentor in the bdsm world is just another word for user. "Sure sweetie. Stick with me and I will teach you everything you need to know about bdsm. Now spread your legs." There are endless forums where beginners can interact with the more experienced to get information, advice, feedback, whatever. The advantages to that are that you don't need to invest power in someone when you don't need to, and you get a wide variety of view points. There are no right answers in bdsm, just whatever works for you. Even if you happen to find a mentor who is honest and well meaning, you are still restricting yourself to one person's viewpoints. And if you absolutely must have a mentor, don't choose someone who approaches you. Find someone you feel you can trust, and approach them... and pick someone like you, not opposite you.

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 11:50:42 AM

RiotGirl

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em........ i had a mentor. He's a good guy = )

Him being my mentor ment he would take me out and show me the clubs, introduce me around, help me get to know others, help to keep me safe in whatever i tried and help me find a suitable dom.

It had nothing to do with sex or sexual anything. Even after 9 years of knowing this man, he has never touched me in a sexual manner. Nor did have anything to do with him teaching me the "ropes" No control, no domination, no nothing.

Basically what it seemed like Mentor ment was - an older more experienced lifestyler helping a newbie come into the scene. Like a friend.

Not that i was much help....... i had to have that cute guy dancing on the floor ::sigh::

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 12/4/2006 11:51:11 AM >

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 12:42:35 PM

truesub4u

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Mentors to some can be a good thing.... then there are those who are mentoring that should be sent out ... hung up by toes..and shot. Some have no business being mentors or anything else. So careful when choosing a mentor. If one is chosen.

That being said.... I agree with the more said on making sure one educates oneself. Reading... groups... they help alot. As always... don't worry about if one should be submissive... dominant..... just be yourself... (possible switch).... as long as your happy..and partner(s) happy..... that's all that matters....... good luck and have fun....

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 12:45:56 PM

MasterFireMaam

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A mechanic can learn to be a mechanic simply by working with his hands and an engine. Does he/she need to go to a class or be certified in order to be good? No. But, without proper tools and education, he/she is unlikely to be a good/successful mechanic.

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 3:24:23 PM

DOM33416

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Seek advice and information from any informed source , then you must decide what is the best for you and your situation

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 3:28:49 PM

whisperedsighs

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Mentor's can be a useful helpful thing. I don't think you "need" one to be into BDSM.

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RE: Do you really need... - 12/4/2006 3:30:57 PM

akisha

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I'd say the only time having or getting a mentor is if you want to learn how to do some of the more high risk things.
But really, do you need someone to help you find a partner? No.
Do you need someone to tell you if you are happy in a relationship? No
Do you need someone to tell you or teach you how to please someone else? Really, how can someone teach you to please someone else. it doesn't make sense.
Do you need someone to tell you who you should or should not talk to? Please, we are adults after all.
Do you need a mentor if you want to learn fire play, knife play, bull whips, suspension, etc? I would say, it would probably be wise to have one or more people that are known for being good at these activities to help show you the "ropes" per se. Then you are less likely to make mistakes that can cause serious harm.

I have no problem with those that choose to find a mentor or mentors, as if you are going to go to other for advice, i always found talking to more then one person is always best. I don't think a mentor is a requirement for everything.

I am submissive because i choose to submit to another and it fill a place in my heart and mind to do so, not because someone told me or taught me how to do it. I can teach someone to obey and do as they are told ( see my mini kid hehe) but that in no way makes me a Dominant nor does the person learning automatically become a submissive. I've seen many bottoms, submit to another but that does not make them a submissive.

Though i do and did find that when new or trying to get into the lifestyle communities and activities, it's nice to have friends, either submissive or Dominant that you can go to with questions, concerns or just for information. I guess you could call these people mentors and if so then I have 3 or 4 lol. But they don't make decisions for me, they didn;t "train" me in anyway, the listen to me and offer advice, it's up to me as to whether or not i listen to them and take the advice offered.

Because Sir and I are venturing into a more high risk area of play, He is interested in getting to know other Dominants that do this type of play so that we can do it safely.

I think if a Dominant is willing to seek out help for things is a very good trait. Sure the heck beats a trip to the ER cause He or She "thought" they knew what they were doing cause they read it in a book or saw it done in a video clip once.

< Message edited by akisha -- 12/4/2006 3:31:32 PM >

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