Who Choses Who Within M/s? (Full Version)

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timeoutgurlie -> Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 3:02:13 AM)

Ok so another topic mentioned this, and the replies were largely that the slave did not choose the Master, rather that he chose her.

Is it just a coincidental thing that many like minded submissives/slaves posted this on the same thread?

Or is this actually the feeling shared by the majority?

Myself, I feel differently, we chose one another in our relationship, on a vanilla level initially.  Then it moved to discovering while we were still in what I'd call a "committed dating" phase that we both had a workable D/s|M/s desire.  After being in a truly committed, serious relationship we both felt it was time for it be labelled D/s, though it had grown naturally a while before when we trusted on another.  And now, it is a M/s relationship and this transitioned really without any discussion, it just *grew* to this through time spent together and the bond shared.

The choice for a collar was what I'd equate to vanillas getting engaged/married, it's something that both feel it's "time" for, and they want it deeply.  For us, we both made that choice, it was never one sided.

Just curious to hear what others feel about it, found the sentiment intriguing when I read it [:)]

Edited:  After reading what I wrote, it's feeling like to describe how I feel and what progressed is harder to make clear in words than I'd first assumed.  Now I'm even more curious to hear the feelings of others, it might put into words a better description of what I'm trying to put across.

It's quite a challenge to write about such deep emotions in a way that rings true to the feelings.  I've always enjoyed a challenge [:D]



lateralist1 -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 4:38:09 AM)

I think that it depends on the personalities involved. What I do know from bitter experience is that I can't have someone if they don't want me or don't want what I want. No matter how submissive they are.
Yes I think that some couples just fall into D/s naturally as they do in vanilla life.
Others actually negotiate it completely beforehand.
Who initiates the beginnings of a relationship doesn't matter.
I am quite happy to browse and contact a slave and I am also happy for them to contact me.
But as you say you have to really like/love one another as vanilla people before anything real can occur.
I am going to make a very big generalisation now and I am sure I shall be pulled up on it BUT it is honestly my opinion that an awful lot of women are submissive to the man they love. It's just part of their nature. Whereas for a man it seems to be a real choice because they like dominant women or because they like an easy life lol.
I of course maybe wrong. It has has been known to happen.




Kalira -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 4:56:40 AM)

For me, I'll repeat what I wrote in the other post. I chose to talk to Master; he made the choice to accept me as his property.

I have never sent out emails to others looking for a connection; Master contacted me, I chose to answer him back. I liked what he had to say, and I made it clear early on that I did. The relationship progressed at a speed and depth that Master chose, as did our first meeting. He chose the date , and he chose the place. Master must have liked what he saw in me [:)]

There was never any 'vanilla' in our interaction at all. From the very first email, it was clear to me who and what he was; and it was clear what kind of relationship we would have if it continued.

So, to repeat once again [:D]

I chose to talk to Master; Master made the choice to choose me as his property.



timeoutgurlie -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 5:08:59 AM)

lateral - I do tend to agree that many women have the submissiveness in them, in the lifestyle or out of it.  It's probably one of the reasons I find dominant women so fascinating, the way they think, it's so foreign to me in many ways, yet at the same time I think much of the same in reverse...that many submissives have that dominant streak.  Just another part of what people in general so fascinating, there's never really any absolutes IMO, and I love the subtle differences as well as the comonalities in us all [:D]

Kalira - Do you feel in any way that you accepted him as the one who owns you?  That's the part I'm curious about really, because I'm sure for most it wasn't like the first dominant to approach them was the one they ended up being with, so what is the feeling the submissive who feels she was chosen has with that aspect?

Also when meeting online it's different, because here you have clearly indentified as a submissive or sominant or switch, but irl if you meet in a vanilla setting then you'd be likely to come together as vanillas to begin with?  Maybe not, that would be interesting also to hear about actually. 

Men also, it's for all submissives really, not just females if I wasn't clear before [:)]



LadyEllen -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 5:13:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

I think that it depends on the personalities involved. What I do know from bitter experience is that I can't have someone if they don't want me or don't want what I want. No matter how submissive they are.

But as you say you have to really like/love one another as vanilla people before anything real can occur.




I agree with this; it has to be agreeable and welcome to both sides, otherwise it just wont work. Even if one side chooses the other, the other has to welcome that choice to go along with it, surely? Otherwise, it would be much easier than it actually is, to pick up a slave/sub on Martini basis (anytime, any place, anywhere).

Just to add to that, it amazes me how many males there are here, who offer themselves as "no choice, no limits" slaves, but when one writes them and gets into a conversation about real life as it would be - ie, a caring, sharing LTR where the real world takes up most of the time, and he will have to continue working his job etc rather than be chained up in the cellar 24/7, they suddenly find they want the choice and have limits as regards the real world, regardless of being chosen.

The thing is in any case, if you should find someone who accepts and welcomes being chosen in that way, the reality is that living with anyone whom you dont like (leaving love out of it for a moment), or who doesnt like you, is no fun whether the other person is a slave or not. Youre going to spend a lot of time together (hopefully) and it can get real old, real fast if your slave is not compatible personality wise. In the end, slave or not, he's a person and its of no value to me if he doesnt want to be with me at least as much as I want him around.

E



Kalira -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 5:20:40 AM)

quote:

Kalira - Do you feel in any way that you accepted him as the one who owns you?  That's the part I'm curious about really, because I'm sure for most it wasn't like the first dominant to approach them was the one they ended up being with, so what is the feeling the submissive who feels she was chosen has with that aspect?

Also when meeting online it's different, because here you have clearly indentified as a submissive or sominant or switch, but irl if you meet in a vanilla setting then you'd be likely to come together as vanillas to begin with?  Maybe not, that would be interesting also to hear about actually. 

answering the second part first:
When we met in RL, there was nothing vanilla about it [:)] I am one of those who jumps in with both feet. We met at the hotel, and spent the weekend together.

Did I accept him as the one who owns me? This is hard to explain because my first impulse is to say that I had not part in accepting him at all. He claimed, and I had no choice. Yet, we know that that is impossible; that somewhere I had to mentally consent in my mind that he was the one. I don't 'feel' as if I did; yet when put the way you asked [&:], all I can answer is that yes, from the first email with him, and from the first phone call with him, I knew. ( and yes, we talked on the phone the same day as the first email )

not sure if that made much sense at all [&:]



timeoutgurlie -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 5:36:04 AM)

LadyE - Agree with that, of course.  It echoes what I was thinking by posting this topic, when I said that if there weren't a mutual choice then it would be the Martini way as you said.  I like that expression, it's now going to be incorporated into my conversations, thanks [:D]

Kalira - Totally understand that after the initial contact when you met irl it wouldn't be vanilla, I meant moreso when there was nothing online, and it was just a meeting in the outside world.  For myself, we met and then both got pretty busy with hectic schedules and didn't have a chance to get together again for quite some time, but kept in touch with phone calls and we actually went the hotel route then for our first date, so very much understand jumping in *giggles*

I also totally understand that it's hard to put into words the emotions behind it, it's difficult for me also and I still feel like how I truly feel hasn't been put into words completely because I'm not able to do so, but I'm prettu sure I understand what you meant and it does make sense to read it.

I can see it reflected in how things progressed with my own relationship, things had really already just *been* before we had the actual discussions.  Even when we talked about moving to the next levels, we both felt we were already there, it was quite a nice realization too [:)]

I wonder what it would be like for others meeting irl without any prior online contact, or being introduced otherwise to one another with knowlege of the D/s aspect.  We discussed it together pretty early on, began with a little innuendo about him spanking me for bad behavior and kind of escalated to a serious discussion *giggles*  We were both pretty pleased to find out the other shared the same feelings, but had each been shy to bring it up fearing the other wouldn't understand/share the same enjoyment of it, and worried it was maybe too early on to assume the other would need to agree incase they weren't feeling that longterm potential.  Luckily we both were in agreeance on bouth counts and it worked out well [:D]



hisannabelle -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 8:28:37 AM)

timeoutgurlie, the progression of your relationship describes ours pretty well - i think you managed to express it perfectly :) except that i guess i see it more as...on a vanilla level, we both made the choice to take the step to date, and we both made the choice to take the step to incorporate D/s into our relationship (and it sort of progressed in that direction anyway). but i am submissive, period - it's just who i am, and who i want to be in my romantic relationship. so i felt more like He chose to become my dominant. He didn't -have- to agree to that, and He still doesn't. and i'm doing a really terrible job of explaining this, really...but regardless of how reciprocal it is, i still see it as His choice. we were also one of those couples who met irl without originally knowing about the D/s aspect, so i know my experience might be somewhat different from those who met while openly seeking a dominant.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 8:31:03 AM)

The aspect of consent requires everyone to accept and choose everyone.  A long term relationship requires everyone to continue to work together and continue to be together.

Whether you want to call it a conscious choice or not, whether you want to say the great Wa Wa bonked you on the head and it was forever written that this was How it Was to Be- as people/adults we must maintain responsibility for who we are and what we choose to create in our lives.

It's not an Ms thing, it's a relationship thing.



daddysprop247 -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 8:41:58 AM)

since we're talking about consensual slavery here, i think that we (slaves and Masters) choose one another, just each in our own individual ways.

i have never been the type to date or look for love. i believe strongly in "que sera sera", just living my life and letting things take their natural course. met my Master on an internet message board that was heavily geared to slavery/APE, the sort of lifestyle that most fit my needs and desires. however i was there purely for the sake of reading/learning, discussion, and perhaps gaining some experience through 100% casual meetings with Dominants. one day this Dominant contacted me privately asking about something i had posted...an online friendship grew from this...then a real life Mentor-type relationship developed. never once did i see him as my potential Master, and as he had a slave at the time and as far as i knew was happy with her, it seemed he was not looking for anyone special either. not only that, but after hearing him describe some of the things he subjected his slave to, i can remember saying to myself several times, "i definitely don't want a Master like THAT!" lol.

but we can't control destiny can we? within a couple of months after meeting in person, all of a sudden he is asking me if i will consent to be his property, explaining in detail just what that will entail...and i hear myself whispering, "yes"..although before that moment the thought of being his never entered my mind. but somehow once it was out in the open, i couldn't fathom NOT being his. strange. so we went directly from friends/Mentor-student to Master/slave literally overnight. there was no "dating", there was no period of being a vanilla couple, there wasn't even a period of being a regular D/s couple. but for us this was what was natural. i knew from my first discovery of this lifestyle that slavery was the only path for me. nothing else would have been fulfilling for me. and my Master is the same way...at this point in his life, he refuses to settle for anything less than 100% control and power.

so who chose who? we chose each other i think, but it was he who actually asked that i be his, which imo is the way it should be, although i know of many who feel the very opposite...that a submissive should "beg a collar" from a Master. to me that would have been presumptious and very out of place. but eh, we each have to find our way.



toservez -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 9:25:17 AM)

I with most here that it is based on our personalities. For me the only way it can be done or thought of was us both choosing to become Master and slave. In fact, I am seeing a man right now and refuse to speak or write the words "under consideration by him" as my personality it would just cause me to laugh because he is also under my consideration.

That does not mean I do not believe or think a different way or feeling is wrong, it certainly is not and to each their own, but in the end both people are making a choice it is just how they go about it.




Tikkiee -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 9:28:21 AM)

Hmm, interesting question.
 
I would say that he chose me. I still fight him tooth and nail at times.



Jeffshope -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 10:34:13 AM)

We chose each other. Just because i get off on him hitting me does make us different than any other human relationship.

I am sure it is great wank fantasies to have the Top walk over and say "I choose you."

Now, he did offer the collar - but as far as a choice? Nope - it was mutual



SlaveAkasha -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 11:49:07 AM)

I think that we chose each other.  I know that he wrote me first, but other than that, it was all mutual from there.  It takes both of us to make it work and to keep each other happy.  I have had those that "chose me" and when they did, they expected me to fall on my knees in gratitude.  I much prefer my Master that treats me as a valuable equal in our relationship, and while I do consider myself very blessed to be with him, I know that he feels as equally blessed to have me as a part of his life.
 
Kasha



sub4hire -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 11:50:53 AM)

I chose my dom.  I was making choices with other doms long before meeting him.

Reason being is because I would not be his submissive if I did not feel secure with him.  You cannot rush that and there is no way he would know if I were secure.
How can he possibly know when the trust has been established to the point I can fully open up and give myself to him?  Unless after all he leaves it up to me to tell him when we have reached that point.  Which still has me choosing him.
He has to also choose me because compatibility does make a relationship work.  You cannot just force yourself on someone and live a long and prosperous life with them.
Relationships are give and take.  It takes a lot of work to make one successful even if you call it a lifestyle relationship.



slavemaia -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 12:25:03 PM)

quote:

an awful lot of women are submissive to the man they love. It's just part of their nature. Whereas for a man it seems to be a real choice because they like dominant women or because they like an easy life l


i really wish this were true. my experience reflects that in our present society we have more emasculated men and defeminized women and it took me a long time to find a man who wasn't afraid of being disapproved of. my god, that's all it takes these days and so many men are shaking in their shoes, afraid of being disapproved of by their woman.
 
There's a big difference between submissive and passive. Most men are very passive in relation to women - looking to her for validation all the time because their tender little egos can't handle any rejection. That's why vanilla never worked for me and never will. i need a man who's not afraid to grab me and set me back in my place, not the other way around.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 12:52:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavemaia
i need a man who's not afraid to grab me and set me back in my place, not the other way around.

So basically you're with someone you've given approval to?



akisha -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 1:30:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

I chose my dom.  I was making choices with other doms long before meeting him.

Reason being is because I would not be his submissive if I did not feel secure with him.  You cannot rush that and there is no way he would know if I were secure.
How can he possibly know when the trust has been established to the point I can fully open up and give myself to him?  Unless after all he leaves it up to me to tell him when we have reached that point.  Which still has me choosing him.
He has to also choose me because compatibility does make a relationship work.  You cannot just force yourself on someone and live a long and prosperous life with them.
Relationships are give and take.  It takes a lot of work to make one successful even if you call it a lifestyle relationship.



what sub4hire said *S* saves me typing the same thing



AquaticSub -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 3:35:36 PM)

While I do not identify as a slave, I would like to put in my two cents. My dominant and I chose each other.



diamonddreamlove -> RE: Who Choses Who Within M/s? (12/5/2006 5:09:46 PM)

We chose each other.  We both saw others for the first few months then gradually that ended and we are together as a couple. 



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