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relocation in midlife, careers, and financial security - 2/16/2005 10:54:46 AM

goodwoman

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every now and again i receive an introductory email from a Dominant in another part of the country. One of the first things asked (which i readily understand) is about my willingness to relocate. My answer is usually to the effect of the complexities of relocating in midlife - particularly when one has built up a career and is starting to consider seriously the necessity of a retirement nestegg. Getting a new great job when one is over 40 isn't easy -- laws may forbid discrimination, but it happens all the time.

Thus, i would suspect that relocation becomes less likely as the need for financial security becomes greater (although, if i was independently wealthy that would make relocation much more likely)

at midlife, i just cannot see giving up an solid income (with the possiibility that an equivalent job might not happen in the new location) to "cohabitate" -- unless the other person (in my case a Dominant) was willing to provide some type of legal financial security (i.e., marriage or a trust fund) that would replace the retirement account that my organization was creating for me. (this seems to be the part where the relocation-suggestor vanishes .. apparently relocation was only a vague thought if it wasn't going to require much from the Dominant)

i am also leary when a man is willing to relocate if it means he will be immediately moving in with me -- when he has no job -- am i 'unsubmissive' if i am unwilling to agree to hand over my finances to a man who doesn't have a job? perhaps... but i've worked for years and years to build an education and a career -- don't any Dominants do this too?

am i really the exception that thinks about the economic lifestyle that i would like in my 60's? and retirement? (social security might be a nice little phrase, and it might provide maybe $1000 to 1500 a month.. but gosh... i can't imagine trying to live on 1500 a month.

is it that many people in their 40s and 50s just don't (yet) think seriously about their income and future economic situation ?

maybe this post is partially a need to vent. but i am always distressed by the lack of careful planning and thought for financial stability --

and how easy it is for poorly managed finances to eat away at emotional connections.

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RE: relocation in midlife, careers, and financial secu... - 2/16/2005 12:15:40 PM

RealityFix

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Joined: 8/12/2004
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I'm interested in an eventual M/s relationship.

I'm self employed, and my business will have to be built up to the point at which I am sure that my resposibility as a Master to care for my slave is solvent. Because she will work with me in the business,and yes she will have a retirement account set up for her with her work. Only then will I pursue getting to know a slave as more than a friend.

If one goes deeply into something like a 24 7 D/s relationship, you must take an overall view of an entire life situation..Especially at our age. This means a totally adult overview, including details like regular vanilla life. I would tend to be very dubious of anyone who feels that they can just jump in at a moment's notice with no planning whatsoever,and not have to make personal sacrifices to make it work.

I think that too many take a fantasy view of what an actual D/s dynamic entails, and the biggest part of it all is still just hard work. The hedonistic part of that is going to come in far down the list of priorities,and it seems people don't want to have to think about that.

The long and the short of it is this. Too many supposed adults take a very childish view of life management..They think the foundational details don't matter,and that romance and excitement can compensate for slipshod management proceedures,or none at all.

Sorry people,but it doesn't work that way.

Castles built on sand........................................

(in reply to goodwoman)

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RE: relocation in midlife, careers, and financial secu... - 2/16/2005 12:28:52 PM

Mercnbeth

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good woman,

We can appreciate what your are experiencing. There are as many subs committing to relocate to be with beth & I in their first email. You've already stumbled upon the best manner to deal with them. We tell them; "Sure - We've got a cage all ready for you!" And they disappear quickly as your far away doms do.

But suppose there was someone who you really felt connected who lived far away? Suppose he is real, available, and your exchanges have been exciting, and you meet. The meeting goes even better then expected. Both of you had fun and are happy. Distance is the only thing keeping you apart. Now what?

Independent of your thoughts concerning retirement and the ability to live on Social Security, pragmatic as that may be in 20 years, you have to address your real question; where is personal happiness prioritized compared to financial security? Both require sacrifices, hard work, and difficult decisions. To answer, project out 20 years. What would you rather be, comfortable in your manner of living, independent but alone; or struggling with money but with someone who made the 20 years more fulfilling and exciting than you ever can imagine? Not saying you can't have both, or that you have to relocate to find that 'special one', but if it was a choice, would you take a chance?

There is an old story from Dear Abby, about someone middle aged asking her opinion about returning to college to get an advanced degree at the age of 40. Because of her other commitments the person whined to Abby that when she was done she'd be 46. Abby's answer was great; "How old will you be if you don't go?"

The problem with getting older is that your experiences give you a bucketful of rationalizations (excuses) NOT to go something. Then even if you think through all those you can always fall back upon the best excuse - I'm too old for this! (Whatever 'this' is.)

Now I don't believe anyone should consider relocating lightly, and definitely not without spending a considerable amount of time with the person before ultimate commitment. But to discount it out of hand because of age or financial consideration is a disservice to yourself.

There are no guarantees but without trying, those years will go by just as fast, and you'll be wondering the same things 20 years from now, with 20 more years of rationalizations why you shouldn't take a chance.

(in reply to goodwoman)

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RE: relocation in midlife, careers, and financial secu... - 2/16/2005 1:47:03 PM

ShiftedJewel

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~~~ Stands and applauds~~~~

Very well put....

Jewel

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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RE: relocation in midlife, careers, and financial secu... - 2/16/2005 1:59:35 PM

pandoravampire

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Im forty, ive relocated from the UK to Australia. I put this in to demo that my age would not be a stalling block for taking risks. But the pay back needs to be more secure after a certain age.

To relocate for a Dom- i would want some financial security. I read a thread on here of a slave, who having given up all, was now to be leaving that situ with no savings, no income, no current work experience - a daunting task at any age, but past 40? discrimination does exist. I would tread carefully.

Also, i find it very difficult to consider submitting to someone, who was not of equal mindset as me with regards to security in financial matters. For me to give up the security you have mentioned you have, id need to be pretty sure i was gaining more than i was losing, long term.

im in a situation, where i have separated, just bought my first house on my own, got promotion, and have entered a D/s relationship. When or if, do i wish to move in together is raising its head. Its like relocating, on a smaller scale. Personally, i will probably go for a safe option of, renting my house, and setting up another together. I will have my saftey net, my investment in property intact, with a water tight prenuptual before i ever co-habit. I dont care how stary eyed i get. I call it being sane. as in safe SANE & consentual.

Now thats not very submissive is it. Who gives a shit? not me! I worked hard for what i have, ive been a single parent, ive struggled, im over 40, im WAY passed naive thinking that struggle is fun. Nothing shits on a relationship more than financial struggle in my opinion. If my D could not respect me maintaining myself safely and sanely, he can go dom himself.

I would certainly want some garaunteed income to support myself just in case it goes tits up. So relocate the career, find a house, rent yours out temp. Then move to be nearer the D. perhaps? But not IN with the D. Can you imagine moving in with a stranger? jesus, that would scare the crap outta me. But people do, here there are people whove relocated successfully. Very very brave, id say, or foolish. There does come a time, when seizing the moment, is not the only concern, tomorrows moment starts to intrude. You can be over 40, and live life on the edge, but have a huge safety net underneath, that you may or maynot disclose to a future D.

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RE: relocation in midlife, careers, and financial secu... - 2/17/2005 3:56:18 AM

Shayna

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I think about this alot. I'm 48 and have moved back and forth across the US a number of times. Once for love (lasted 6 weeks), the other times for jobs. Moving is exhausting. It's not just the financial drain, it's also the uprooting of whatever support system you've built up. I think it takes 3-5 years to settle into a new city and that's a chunk of time. The older we get, the harder it can be to create a support system, and everyone needs that. If the new relationship doesn't work out, you're alone in a new place on your own. I'm all about taking risks, but the older I get the less reckless I am about those decisions. As far as supporting someone else, um, no.

I have to say tho I understand the excitement and headiness of falling in love long distance, dying to be together. It's hard to resist. One of my best friends did it and they just got married and she's preggers, so there's one success story!

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RE: relocation in midlife, careers, and financial secu... - 2/17/2005 4:19:30 AM

Tangwystal

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I have only gotten a couple emails asking me if I would relocate. When they found out that I came with 7 cats, 14 horses, 60 some chickens, three pheasant and a dog... well let's just say they changed their minds. ;-) The critters all came before and I have an obligation to them.

I have worked darned hard all my life to get what I have and the life that I get to live. If I go into a relationship of any kind there will be a signed *legal* document saying that everything I had before entering the relationship is mine and mine alone. Same for the things he owned before, his and his alone. Whatever comes while together... depends on the type of relationship I end up in.

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Tangwystal

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RE: relocation in midlife, careers, and financial secu... - 2/17/2005 7:07:35 AM

RiotGirl

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< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 10:37:57 PM >

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RE: relocation in midlife, careers, and financial secu... - 2/17/2005 10:15:48 AM

onceburned

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
At the risk of sounding like a young person, or a product of my generation, i think sometimes you just have to take a chance.

I think this can be a very sensible attitudefor someone in their twenties. Energy, health, recovery are all easy to come by - and the world is wide open. But add twenty years to your life and one's body is less energetic, health problems may have cropped up (or threaten to) and recovery from problems are a bit more prolonged.

I think a person in their 40's are necessarily a bit more circumspect. Life can't be depended on to always work out and its a sensible thing to have plans for retirement (when the body is even less resilient)

But yes, I agree that it is a bad thing to let fears rule your life. Who wants to live in fear? And as you rightly point out, the regrets of "I wish I had done this when I was younger..." can be a terrible thing. Why miss out on living?

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RE: relocation in midlife, careers, and financial secu... - 2/17/2005 10:42:23 AM

Voltare

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At 27, I packed up and moved across the world. I didn't do it just for love, though there was a woman involved - more importantly, there was a job (which I now love.) Before that, I had made a good half dozen trips across the US to meet women, firmly believing that love on the internet can be just as real as love in real life. I was dead wrong.

BDSM is a pretty useless activity when you don't have food in your stomach or a roof over your head.

In another post, I wrote a pretty long list of things I suggest for do's and don'ts - one of the important parts, being if you are seriously interested in relocating, the chances of it working out are far better if whoever moves, does so independently. You wouldn't move in to live with someone who you have only seen at a dance club for a few months - why would you do it from the internet? Even in a dance club, you can see how the person behaves and interacts with other people, you can judge things like their mood swings (the good and bad) amongst a thousand other signals we all give, that can't be seen from behind a computer.

If money isn't a factor, then there's no reason distance should be a problem - but for the rest of us, it's what allows us to live. Leaving friends, family, careers, houses, and the other parts of our lives behind might sound like a welcome relief in some cases, but after a few months in an alien place with people you haven't spent your whole life getting to know, it can be quite difficult. The fantasy doesn't include homesickness.

Stephan

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"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

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