RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (Full Version)

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YaelOTRL -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 4:32:58 AM)

Thank you
I apreciate your comments...very helpful




YaelOTRL -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 4:38:37 AM)

This isnt a sex site....its a lifestyle BDSM site...Im a lifestyle BDSMer. Im just not unidimensional and stuck in fantasy. Would be nice to get a glimpse of the reality of a person before you exchange intimacy...dont you think?




amaidiamond -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 4:41:52 AM)

Well damn, the day this place turns into a sex site is the day I pack my (cyber) bags and leave




juliaoceania -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 8:54:36 AM)

For some people BDSM is just about sex and not about D/s at all. These people view this site as just a sex site, and for them it is. That is as valid a use for it as any other. I view it as being both a sex site, and more than that. I am not surprised by those who think of it just as that, and it does not offend me that they do.




spankmepink11 -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 4:12:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: YaelOTRL

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aine

I'm with erin on this one too.  Since you were 12?!.....doesn't seem all that likely to me.  And personally, not something -I- would be proud of stating.


WOW!!!! somewhat judgemental arent we? Never had a vanilla relationship probably never will. This is my orientation and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Im out to friends and family, most of my co-workers know and I got my first set of metal handcuffs at age 11 was using them by 12. The people here that seperate out their lives because they intrinsically believe that they are involved in deviant acts are the ones that I am trying to avoid....and If you feel that you are a part of something that is too deviant to have explored the parameters of through your sexual play in adolescence as part of your own growth process....then that is not something -I- would be proud of stating


Try not to take offense,  it just does seem rather unrealistic to  imagine some one claiming to be "in the lifestyle"  at the age of 11-12 . When i was 11 my barbie was a slut, and participating in "gang bangs (although i did not know the term then)  with Ken, GI Jo and all his friends.  My "boyfriend" used to tie me up to kiss me" and my best friend Michelle and i  watched her parents reel to reel porn movies.  As unconventional as that may be.  I don't believe that is quite being "in the lifestyle"  So i would never claim 31 years etc...etc..
 No offense, just my opinion and the offer of a little insight as to why others may question the claim.
 
peace




goodpet -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 5:08:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: YaelOTRL
The people here that seperate out their lives because they intrinsically believe that they are involved in deviant acts are the ones that I am trying to avoid....


Somehow i get the feeling that there are a lot of ways to avoid people and then we wonder why. Just a thought..

if someone sends you a message and you feel they are not a good match, for what ever reason, then just say thanks but no thanks. 

All the folks i know, from this site and from the several groups, meetings, clubs and events i go to, are all multidimensional as you put it. We all do lots of other things, scuba, SCA, camping, travel, shows, the list goes on... but when we first met in a bdsm venue we usually first talked about our bdsm kink interests..





goodpet -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 5:14:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: spankmepink11
Try not to take offense,  it just does seem rather unrealistic to  imagine some one claiming to be "in the lifestyle"  at the age of 11-12 . When i was 11 my barbie was a slut, and participating in "gang bangs (although i did not know the term then)  with Ken, GI Jo and all his friends.  My "boyfriend" used to tie me up to kiss me" and my best friend Michelle and i  watched her parents reel to reel porn movies.  As unconventional as that may be.  I don't believe that is quite being "in the lifestyle"  So i would never claim 31 years etc...etc..
 peace


I sure agree with this statement, lots of us dabbled in kinky stuff, but that does not make us "in the lifestyle" as kids.




Aardvark69 -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 5:39:47 PM)

You are welcome.




Aardvark69 -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 5:46:44 PM)

Interesting.  I started much later - both in sexually generally, and in D/s.




GabrielleSalome -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 9:15:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: spankmepink11

quote:

ORIGINAL: YaelOTRL

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aine

I'm with erin on this one too.  Since you were 12?!.....doesn't seem all that likely to me.  And personally, not something -I- would be proud of stating.


WOW!!!! somewhat judgemental arent we? Never had a vanilla relationship probably never will. This is my orientation and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Im out to friends and family, most of my co-workers know and I got my first set of metal handcuffs at age 11 was using them by 12. The people here that seperate out their lives because they intrinsically believe that they are involved in deviant acts are the ones that I am trying to avoid....and If you feel that you are a part of something that is too deviant to have explored the parameters of through your sexual play in adolescence as part of your own growth process....then that is not something -I- would be proud of stating


Try not to take offense,  it just does seem rather unrealistic to  imagine some one claiming to be "in the lifestyle"  at the age of 11-12 . When i was 11 my barbie was a slut, and participating in "gang bangs (although i did not know the term then)  with Ken, GI Jo and all his friends.  My "boyfriend" used to tie me up to kiss me" and my best friend Michelle and i  watched her parents reel to reel porn movies.  As unconventional as that may be.  I don't believe that is quite being "in the lifestyle"  So i would never claim 31 years etc...etc..
 No offense, just my opinion and the offer of a little insight as to why others may question the claim.
 
peace


See, to me, this is a very interesting point~cause I have been aware of my submissiveness since age 9 when I started having active fantasies of being carried off and tied up on a daily basis~I've NEVER not been submissive at core. And, believe me, if I could have found a 9 year old Dom, I would have been ALL OVER IT.
I would say that I have been in the "lifestyle" ummm forever~I mean, I have never NOT been in the lifestyle~so I don't think Yael uses that term inappropriately at all. Do you have another term to describe someone who has been aware of their sexual preferences since they were a child? Are children aware of their attraction to the same sex anything other than in the gay "lifestyle"? Not being argumentative~just wondering what the concern is about that term. To say that someone shouldn't be proud of who they are at any age does seem judgemental.
Not to derail the thread~Yael, ya know what? You just keep looking, and then, one day, you are done looking because you found it. It's not a strategy or a plan or a profile that brings it. You just keep looking.
It's never perfect, but as long as you don't settle~as long as you don't give up~it comes. Oh, and every false start gets you a bit closer.
BTW, I'll let you know when "I" find it~cause I haven't yet either LOL




mistoferin -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 9:52:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GabrielleSalome
See, to me, this is a very interesting point~cause I have been aware of my submissiveness since age 9 when I started having active fantasies of being carried off and tied up on a daily basis~I've NEVER not been submissive at core. And, believe me, if I could have found a 9 year old Dom, I would have been ALL OVER IT.
I would say that I have been in the "lifestyle" ummm forever~I mean, I have never NOT been in the lifestyle~so I don't think Yael uses that term inappropriately at all. Do you have another term to describe someone who has been aware of their sexual preferences since they were a child? Are children aware of their attraction to the same sex anything other than in the gay "lifestyle"? Not being argumentative~just wondering what the concern is about that term. To say that someone shouldn't be proud of who they are at any age does seem judgemental.


The number of years that someone claims to be in the lifestyle is looked at by others as the number of years of experience they have. My earliest memories of fantasies of being tied up were at about the age of 3 or 4. So, like you, I do believe that I have always been submissive since the moment of my birth. I do not however, claim 44 years of lifestyle experience as that would be extremely misleading to those who wish to get an accurate representation of my experience level. Most people start counting those years at the time when they become active in real time lifestyle experiences....not at the point they start fantasizing about it...not at the point they became aware of it...not even at the point that they first started playing slap and tickle...but when they became actively involved in it. Generally people don't become actively involved in pre-pubescence, so it is difficult not to be skeptical when someone claims such.




GabrielleSalome -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 10:15:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: GabrielleSalome
See, to me, this is a very interesting point~cause I have been aware of my submissiveness since age 9 when I started having active fantasies of being carried off and tied up on a daily basis~I've NEVER not been submissive at core. And, believe me, if I could have found a 9 year old Dom, I would have been ALL OVER IT.
I would say that I have been in the "lifestyle" ummm forever~I mean, I have never NOT been in the lifestyle~so I don't think Yael uses that term inappropriately at all. Do you have another term to describe someone who has been aware of their sexual preferences since they were a child? Are children aware of their attraction to the same sex anything other than in the gay "lifestyle"? Not being argumentative~just wondering what the concern is about that term. To say that someone shouldn't be proud of who they are at any age does seem judgemental.


The number of years that someone claims to be in the lifestyle is looked at by others as the number of years of experience they have. My earliest memories of fantasies of being tied up were at about the age of 3 or 4. So, like you, I do believe that I have always been submissive since the moment of my birth. I do not however, claim 44 years of lifestyle experience as that would be extremely misleading to those who wish to get an accurate representation of my experience level. Most people start counting those years at the time when they become active in real time lifestyle experiences....not at the point they start fantasizing about it...not at the point they became aware of it...not even at the point that they first started playing slap and tickle...but when they became actively involved in it. Generally people don't become actively involved in pre-pubescence, so it is difficult not to be skeptical when someone claims such.


Very interesting concept of experience. I totally understand what you are trying to say~however, myself, I would be far more interested in someone who had an understanding of their dominance at age, um, 3, than someone who said~"at age 25, I learned I was dominant and now at 50, I have 25 years of experience" I'm looking for someone I connect with on an emotional, physical and intellectual level.  If I were looking for, oh, say, someone to fix my fence or, umm, garden my backyard~then the actual years of fixing fences or gardening might be more important.
I tell you this because my world has been spun by nice gentle(appearing) men who were just experiencing their very first pervert relationship ~and have been frankly bored to tears by guys with 20 years experience with their square knots and "beg me to cum, slut" drivel.
My "experience" as a submissive(what does that mean exactly?) began, really, about 7years ago~that is when I decided that I was only interested in a power exchange relationship. But, please, LOL I challenge you to tell me that means I have been submissive for just 7 years LOL Trust me, it ain't so.




mistoferin -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 10:37:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GabrielleSalome
My "experience" as a submissive(what does that mean exactly?) began, really, about 7years ago~that is when I decided that I was only interested in a power exchange relationship. But, please, LOL I challenge you to tell me that means I have been submissive for just 7 years LOL Trust me, it ain't so.


It sounds to me like you believe you are what some would call a "natural born submissive". Now I am going to forewarn you...there are many that don't recognize that at all. But if you are looking for something more descriptive that fits who you are you could say that you are a natural born submissive with 7 years experience.

I have seen Dominants who dabbled in the lifestyle when they were oh say....18....and got married vanilla at 20 and stayed married vanilla 25 years. Then go on to claim 27 years experience in the lifestyle. That is a dishonest misrepresentation of their experience level. They really only have 2 years experience.

Hope that is a bit clearer.




GabrielleSalome -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/6/2006 10:58:31 PM)

Oh, absolutely agree~peeps say all sorts of things,but bullshit is bullshit, and~just like when a "nilla guy says he knows the head butcher~we are all responsible for our decisions. I believe that nothing benefits us like experience.
I have had short sweet profiles, and big ol" long ones~and honestly, it's just sitting down with someone over a glass or two of wine that determines the "realness" of the connection regardless. No amount of online screening, emails, etc etc etc matters more than those first 20 minutes of REAL LIFE




LTRsubNW -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/7/2006 4:31:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: YaelOTRL

I am a mostly dominant switch 90/10 who has been involved with BDSM for 20 years now. About 4-5 yearsI came out to the public scene and online BDSM universe in order to up my chances at finding partners. What I have been finding is people who exclusively relate to me via fetish basis. This is unacceptable to me. Is there anyone else out there who enjoys relating to their play partners as humans first; and if so....how do you go about finding that  


I'm sorry, I was staring at your tits....you were saying?




YaelOTRL -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/7/2006 8:25:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: spankmepink11
Try not to take offense,  it just does seem rather unrealistic to  imagine some one claiming to be "in the lifestyle"  at the age of 11-12 . When i was 11 my barbie was a slut, and participating in "gang bangs (although i did not know the term then)  with Ken, GI Jo and all his friends.  My "boyfriend" used to tie me up to kiss me" and my best friend Michelle and i  watched her parents reel to reel porn movies.  As unconventional as that may be.  I don't believe that is quite being "in the lifestyle"  So i would never claim 31 years etc...etc..
 peace


I sure agree with this statement, lots of us dabbled in kinky stuff, but that does not make us "in the lifestyle" as kids.


If I remember my original quote....what I said was that I was involved with BDSM for 20 years. As in....I was aware that I needed this and began experimenting 20 years ago. I stated that as a qualifier for a vulnerable request for information from the community. This post was since hyjacked by a group of people putting words into my mouth and attacking me.  Not sure why you guys find the need to do that but I'll leave you to it. I stand by everything I stated. To the few posters in the beginning with helpful advice, I thank you again; very much apreciated I will take your suggestions to heart and integrate some changes in my aproach...to everyone else....I leave you to your redirect and semantics




whisperedsighs -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/7/2006 3:58:00 PM)

Because of my situation and where I have been.  I look first for common fetish/BDSM interests.  I am not looking for just friends, I am looking for a BDSM relationship, and if there isn't enough BDSM things that mesh with me and the other person, I am going to look else where.  If there are enough things that mesh on the BDSM level, I will ask the other questions about the person, who they are, what types of things they enjoy in life, and other questions that give me a general idea of their values are similar enough to mine to be compatible. 

I think much of what people ask and want to find out about a person has much to do with what they are looking for to begin with. 




DreamWizardNJoy -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/7/2006 6:18:47 PM)

[8|] Your frustrations are certainly understandable. When people begin to transition between private and public, real and cyber, often there is a need to define themselves is easy snapshots of who they are. Unfortunately, this push to propel one's "resume" as it were, tends to add to the natural state of frenzies many new submissives feel.

So how can one, a newbie especially, balance the need to define themselves by who they think they are versus what they have done (or are willing to do), especially in the online realm? The best defense, imho, is time...

Taking the time to meet publicly, to get involved with organizations and groups that reflect Your core philosophies. Aunt Sadie always said, "You meet drunks at a bar, and scholars at the library. What are you looking for?" Not *always* true, of course, but examine what you want. As others have said, look for those that are active in ways you want to be. Go to munches. Get to know people as individuals. If there is an opportunity, be of service to your community, and the right people will suddenly be right before your very eyes.

Good luck on Your search, and best regards,
joy, David Dream Wizard's dream girl





freakgoddess -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/7/2006 7:02:18 PM)

i can relate to the op's statement.  i too dislike having people put their 'fetish' first before the relationship.  i don't like being treated as a cartoon caricature dominatrix. 




ichana -> RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships (12/7/2006 7:24:56 PM)

To answer the OP's question, I'll say yes. I do enjoy relating to my partners as humans first, whether as a play partner or something more. Now, while I wouldn't say my experience on the subject is sufficient to make me an expert on finding compatible partners both as people and dominants, that won't stop me from offering my advice. First, I'd say real life (there are plenty of BDSM groups, munches, etc. in NYC) is better than online. Not only do you get a more immediate sense for someone as a person, you may meet someone you already knew (that happened to me once, and it worked out very well). In the online realm, I'd recommend making sure your profile has all the keywords you can think of for your interests. You have some key words in there -- submissive men who are looking for artists, people into the same kinds of music as you, someone Jewish, etc. will find your profile. Are there other interests of yours you'd want other people to be able to find? Similarly, if you haven't yet, make use of the keyword search function. Search for men who have words related to your interests in their profiles, and write to them. Recently, out of the blue, a woman found my profile based on one of the words in it, and we've had a lovely e-mail exchange. Submissive men don't mind when a dominant woman shows interest. :) It also allows you to control the conversation to focus it on the non-kink aspects.

I hope this advice was useful.

Robert




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