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"I need..." - 12/7/2006 6:44:57 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Is a profile the best place and time for one to voice this?  Ex: "I need a strong D who will make me do x, y, z."(just an example, but my question is interchangeable with any orientation)

How do you feel when reading a profile that stresses these needs and doesn't focus on the person?

If you have one of these profiles, why did you stress your D/s needs and not who you are as a person?

Edited to add: When do you think is the best time to discuss these needs and why?


< Message edited by yourMissTress -- 12/7/2006 6:49:03 AM >

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 7:12:45 AM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		For me, I think that really depends on what "X, Y, and Z" are ad how much of the alphabet is to be utilized.
 
I believe one should be absolutely up front with their requirements in a relationship - but, I have seen people do two things that annoy me:
 
1. List requisites for the dominant "to do" that seem petty or silly in the long run...  make the submissive take a shower would be a good but silly example of this - something that a normal human in the course of socialization and education would simply do as a matter of course - I do not intend on being someone's caretaker as I am more selfish in my outlook in that regard.
 
2. Make a list a mile long....
 
Like contracts, I have seen these take on a life of their own with friend's relationships when listed item "#1135" is not being "done by the dominant" - and,therefore the 'submissive' feels the relationship unviable and decides they want out.
 
Again - this is not (for me) about what the "submissive wants" and such a list would indicate an inability for them to understand the definition of the word itself - let alone "live it"
 
~J

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

Is a profile the best place and time for one to voice this?  Ex: "I need a strong D who will make me do x, y, z."(just an example, but my question is interchangeable with any orientation)

How do you feel when reading a profile that stresses these needs and doesn't focus on the person?

If you have one of these profiles, why did you stress your D/s needs and not who you are as a person?

Edited to add: When do you think is the best time to discuss these needs and why?



_____________________________

"Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential."
William Thomas

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 7:17:07 AM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

How do you feel when reading a profile that stresses these needs and doesn't focus on the person?

I would think that by stressing the needs that are wanted in a relationship, that the person was in actual fact focusing on what they would need to make them happy.
quote:

  If you have one of these profiles, why did you stress your D/s needs and not who you are as a person?

I stressed mine because of several reasons:
one; I was not willing to settle for less than what I WANTED; two, I knew exactly what I was looking for, and three; I was not looking for romance, live in or relocation.
quote:

  When do you think is the best time to discuss these needs and why?


Whenever the parties involved feel comfortable discussing them.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 7:21:38 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress
How do you feel when reading a profile that stresses these needs and doesn't focus on the person?

I tend to feel they are passive, won't take as much responsibility for their side of the relationship as they should, perhaps has unrealistic expectations, perhaps has been burned in the past.

quote:

Edited to add: When do you think is the best time to discuss these needs and why?

I think discussion of needs is important from the beginning- it's the PRESENTATION which is lacking here.  Of course we all need a good partner who will have a certain personality to fit with our own.  But that's not what makes YOU attractive to someone else- THEY need to know what YOU will be bringing to the table to fit THEIR needs too.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 7:34:38 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		To me it is about context and if the person understands the difference between needs and wants. I am all for any communication as soon as possible that can communicate a person needs as to me getting one’s needs met is the most critical thing in a relationship. To me a person who knows themselves, what they need and able to communicate it is well ahead of the curve in making themselves happy.

Now one of our biggest issues as human beings is separating the difference between our needs and wants but that is a separate issue. Somebody quickly communicating needing something specific in this life like humiliation give or receive might actually be a need and why would that be wrong to communicate to a suitor? All people are different and another person, let alone a stranger, cannot decide if the other person’s need is really a want.

Like I wrote above I find this an actual attractive feature of someone but it still must be in the proper context. If I read a profile and all it says is the person needs or if I am direct communication and all they can focus on are their needs then that is going to be a red flag situation. I still want very much to know the person and that they are thinking of me as well. I want all of it in the mix not just piece by piece.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Kalira)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 9:05:11 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I see nothing wrong in saying what you are looking for, especially in female's profiles meant to be written by men. That's because men are more likely to look at these things over golf or tennis, bird watching or card games. If you state right upfront what you must have, and what you will not do, hopefully a man who actually reads your profile would know from the start that there wouldn't be any chance of a match and therefore wouldn't email you.

Now in men's profiles, I would want to see the whole person but that's because women read profiles to find out about the whole person and not to go through a mental checklist of possible, not possible, yes, no.

Whether or not it works I don't know, maybe you should email some of the people with these checklist profiles and ask how successful it is in terms of searching. I'm betting it doesn't matter, they're getting email from men they have nothing in common with anyway.

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 9:19:26 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I follow a rule that it isn't necessarily what a persons says that describes them to me but at what point they say it & the manner it is presented.

Using your example: If someone is right off the bat... on the profile... saying I want XYZ then this is obviously the primary focus & it really doesn't matter who they get this from so long as they a willing to do XYZ & they aren't a "2-bagger"

Is this a presumptuous attitude on my behalf? You damn right it is but it has served me well & it has helped to weed out a lot of unwanted communications with individuals focused on selfish desires.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 9:37:01 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Profiles are profiles.  We respond to what we like and we don't respond to what we don't like.  People will do the same to our profile.  If they aren't getting the responses they want, they should look at the message they are sending.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 10:41:32 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Yes, profiles are profiles, weed through them and proceed with the ones that appeal to you.  Maybe I set about the question in a confusing manner, because I didn't want to debate or discuss what should be on a profile.  Rather, the timing of discussion of needs.  I believe that putting out a laundry list of "needs" which are play, scene, or sex specific out there before putting yourself out there is possibly excluding the more important aspects of a potential relationship. 

I suppose I'm asking if the details are more important than the big picture.   Is it more important that you have a specific kink in common with a potential partner and work on compatability in all other aspects of your life later?  or is it more important to have a relationship built on who you are both seperately and together and work out the "kinks" later?

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 11:01:59 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		When I read statements like that, I have two main reactions: 1) Well, of course you need a (sub/slave/Dom/Master)...that's why you're here. 2) Is that REALLY a need?

It then depends on the rest of the profile for me to take them seriously. Some people really do have a need for certain activities...but if that's all they've listed, I'm more inclined to pass them by. I want to know what they're willing to do in order to meet MY needs.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 11:19:59 AM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

Yes, profiles are profiles, weed through them and proceed with the ones that appeal to you.  Maybe I set about the question in a confusing manner, because I didn't want to debate or discuss what should be on a profile.  Rather, the timing of discussion of needs.  I believe that putting out a laundry list of "needs" which are play, scene, or sex specific out there before putting yourself out there is possibly excluding the more important aspects of a potential relationship. 

I suppose I'm asking if the details are more important than the big picture.   Is it more important that you have a specific kink in common with a potential partner and work on compatability in all other aspects of your life later?  or is it more important to have a relationship built on who you are both seperately and together and work out the "kinks" later?

For Master and myself, it was more important to be 'kink' compatible than it was to be 'people' compatible first.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 12:09:41 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

I suppose I'm asking if the details are more important than the big picture.   Is it more important that you have a specific kink in common with a potential partner and work on compatability in all other aspects of your life later?  or is it more important to have a relationship built on who you are both seperately and together and work out the "kinks" later?



A specific kink or anything involving this life is not more important as any other thing that makes one person compatible to another but at the same time though other things more vanilla in nature might very well not be more important then the thing in this life that was brought up. It really all depends on how important that kink is to that person or what aspect of the M/s life is that maybe is not considered standard procedure.

In the end, profiles and most early messages are tools to communicate information. Those trying to use them as a pick up line or flirt like at a bar or want grand romance and violins playing in the background from the first click is setting themselves up for disappointment. A persons brain is processing information to decide if the person is worth investing time and opening up your heart for.

Everyone responds differently to their beliefs and desires. Personally, I do not care for a person who separates the M/s things from the rest of their personality and life and the people who stressed wanting to know each other purely normally before any of that were tossed aside by me because for me they are all together and not separate. That was just me and how my brain works. Does not make them wrong or me, just makes it life.

I preferred someone to discuss the life and kinks right along with the other things. I wanted to see the whole picture. I wanted to see that the person can think and do all of this at once. I was not interested if it was one or the other. Whether being just the kinks or just vanilla.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 12:21:41 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		So long as they follow that up with a list of I have ZYX to offer in return, I have no problem with it.

I like to see that they have conducted their inventory of what they need vs what they want and what they can offer in return.
It shows that they have been doing their homework preparing for the eventual relationship.


I think the difference between the kink oriented and the person oriented is in the way they approach the same issues.
Kink oriented folks seem to be of the thought that if these things match then the other things can be checked later.
Other interst folks seem to have the opposite approach if all else matches then we will see if the kinks match.

In both cases it's only a matter of where they start to check for compatability and does not indicate that the other things will be ignored.

I'm getting dressed do I select my pants first or my shirt?

< Message edited by Archer -- 12/7/2006 12:22:50 PM >

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 1:55:35 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Yes!!!
The profile is the place to specify what are the bare essentials of what you are looking for here, anything else will just generate a feww hundred "misleading profile" threads, and will garner even more incompatible emails than one gets with a very specific profile

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 2:02:34 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline
Hmmmmmmm...I think of things as more 'wants' than 'needs'; and reading this thread prompted me to go re-read my own profile.  I wonder if its met the task?

What I don't understand is why people come to 'dating sites' and don't even bother to write anything...much less click a couple of 'interests' or 'fetishes'.  <shakes head>  ...makes no sense to me at all.  (well, unless they have a partner and are only here for the forums!  lol)

beverly

Edited cuz "it's" gets me every time!  <sigh>


< Message edited by Bearlee -- 12/7/2006 2:51:29 PM >

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 2:22:43 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		That's because they don't want to limit their chances

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to Bearlee)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 2:34:29 PM   
cjenny


Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

That's because they don't want to limit their chances


I have redone my profile a couple of times now & I still wonder if it says what it needs to say about me. I didn't open it with 'I need X Y,ZZ' but instead I opened it with my physical limits. I feel that it is important to anyone even considering involvement with me to know there are certain things I can't do. LOL so does that mean I did it all backwards?

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 2:34:36 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		In all honesty, when I read some profile on an adults-oriented, kink-oriented site and it tells me what kind of Master I need to be, what their interests are and how they should be handles and all the interests listed are strictly vanilla, it comes across as a "test" of sorts..."Here is what you should be.  Here is what I like outside of BDSM.  Now, show me that you're the kind of dominant who deserves to know anything about the kinky side of me."

I know that may sound harsh but that is the way some of the profiles similar to what has been mentioned strike me.
I understand that many guys will zoom in only on the kinks mentioned but let's be honest...I am sure there are plenty of guys who will read through the interest list and the profile even when there are no kinks listed and they will  still respond with a come-on line because they liked your photo/saw that you were willing to relocate/saw your size/some other detail. 

I've always wanted  some information about it all...I want to know about you as a person outside D/s and BDSM and the bedroom, I want to know about your general view on D/s and I want to know what some of your kinks are.  Lastly...yes, men do want to know where you stand sexually.  In my opinion, we have just as much a right to know where you stand on that as you have a right to know where we stand on the romance and relationship side of it.  And I don't say that unfairly...go to my profile and you will see that there is something about my views on D/s, something about my interests about D/s and BDSM, and something about my kinks.  I tried when I first set up my profile to include a brief bit of information about all that I am.  Brief because to go on too long would bore people.  Enough...hopefully...to draw out some responses.  I must have done something right because I have made several friends through my profile and what I say in my posts. 

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 2:50:05 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for a wonderful post!  I have been here for a long time and I only have 1 item checked under the long list provided.
I have noticed a lot of people are NOT checking any interests, not checking ANY BDSM items speaks volumes!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: "I need..." - 12/7/2006 2:52:12 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		cjenny...my remark was in response to a question as to why some people will open a totally blank profile...and expect any results..and no rather than specifying what you need somebody to provide, you specified what you are unable to provide..this is equally valid, you will only (or at least in theory...assuming the wankers actually get past the fetching picture) get responses from those who's expectations match your ability. I am going out on a limb here, but will be willing to hazard a guess that your desires probably outstrip your physical ability to fulfill them, therefore there is nothing wrong with your approach...it is a variation on what I said before..."I need a people who will accept me within my physical limitations....perfectly fair & good.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 20
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