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Vanilla Girlfriend - 2/16/2005 11:07:10 PM

subtowomen

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/16/2005
Status: offline

I need help with my Vanilla Girlfriend, I've explained to her my desires and we've had some back and forth over the issue, but she is very reluctant to top me in any way.
In the time since we had this conversation, our sex life has pretty much stopped, outside of the occasional hand job.
She hasn't let me pleasure her in months. I don't know what to do, I really care for her, but I don't know what I can do to get things back to the way they were before.

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend - 2/16/2005 11:19:39 PM

MadameDahlia

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

http://www.elisesutton.homestead.com/page3.html

I have found that this is a quite informative site regarding gradual introduction to the idea of Female Dominance...

I've given this link to a few others and it's helped once or twice in the past. I hope that her advice may prove useful to you as well.

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to subtowomen)

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend - 2/17/2005 2:00:28 PM

GordonFreeman

Posts: 30
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline

Sites like Elise Sutton's make it sound like lurking inside every woman is a dominatrix anxious to emerge. This is not the case.
Introducing a vanilla gf to domination can be tough, if not impossible.

In an case like yours where she sounds very uninterested, you might want to start things out by playing the role of the dominant (not too dominant of course), and showing her what is innately erotic and fun about power exchanges. This takes the pressure off her, and often feels like a more natural dynamic for vanilla people. If she 'gets' it and enjoys herself, then I think you probably have a chance of reversing the roles eventually. If not, you need to ashcan your submissive tendencies, or find a kinky gf who you can see more eye-to-eye with.

Regards,

(in reply to subtowomen)

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend - 2/17/2005 2:17:18 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I need help with my Vanilla Girlfriend, I've explained to her my desires and we've had some back and forth over the issue, but she is very reluctant to top me in any way.
In the time since we had this conversation, our sex life has pretty much stopped, outside of the occasional hand job.
She hasn't let me pleasure her in months. I don't know what to do, I really care for her, but I don't know what I can do to get things back to the way they were before.

I have some experience with this. I tried to kinkify the man I was with about 4 years into a 10 year LTR. He wasn't interested. He tried, I'll give him credit...but he's not wired the same way I am. Pity too.

You can take the girl out of the kink, but can you take the kink out of the girl? Sadly, for me the answer was no. We eventually split up, and I'm happy to report it really wasn't based on the fact that he couldn't wrap his head around what he described as my "bodice ripping/ravashment fantasies." But it's accurate to say it was an underlying factor.

It was absolutely evident that my man wasn't going the way of kink with me. I accepted this fairly quickly and resumed our vanilla sex life (which was not mundane in the least, so there was a fair amount of...variety, however it wasn't 'kinky'). I didn't crumble up and die, I just did other stuff with him. So, you certainly can live without kink if you find yourself in a vanilla relationship where kink is not an option, however, shortly after we broke it off, I found myself in the scene. Go figure...

Lily

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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to subtowomen)

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend - 2/17/2005 6:11:29 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

If she isn't interested, she isn't interested. I can understand why she has quit having sex with you. You are trying to force a change on her that she does NOT seem to want. I'm glad you said "top" you instead of "Domme" you.. since forcing someone to be kinky with you is never going to be her Domming you.

If this was someone you'd never introduced the subject to, I'd say communication. You've introduced the subject. She isn't interested. Leave her alone. If you can't live without your kink, pay Pros or go find another girlfriend. You're sorely mistreating this one by trying to take the consensual out of SSC by badgering her to join in what you want.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to subtowomen)

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend - 2/18/2005 3:34:45 PM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

It sounds as though you two need to do some talking. A LOT of talking. I don't mean about the weather, work, or the last movie you two saw.

Obviously, she is weirded out by your confessions, and probably even more so by the idea of BDSM. You're going to have to get her to open up and tell you what scares her, and give her a LOT of reassurance, that things aren't weird, that you still love her, and that it doesn't have to be with you crawling around on your knees wearing a collar 24/7.

Communicating with her, and seriously getting her to admit her fears is the only thing you can do to fix this relationship. There is, of course, a chance that it won't work out, but if you don't do anything it certainly won't get better.

Good luck,

Stephan

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http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to BeachMystress)

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend - 2/20/2005 10:08:07 AM

subtowomen

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

If she isn't interested, she isn't interested. I can understand why she has quit having sex with you. You are trying to force a change on her that she does NOT seem to want. I'm glad you said "top" you instead of "Domme" you.. since forcing someone to be kinky with you is never going to be her Domming you.

If this was someone you'd never introduced the subject to, I'd say communication. You've introduced the subject. She isn't interested. Leave her alone. If you can't live without your kink, pay Pros or go find another girlfriend. You're sorely mistreating this one by trying to take the consensual out of SSC by badgering her to join in what you want.

___

I think you misunderstand me here. At no point have I forced or badgered her to engage in any of these activities. We have had numerous discussions on the subject. However, since these discussions began, she started feeling uncomfortable with the situations. I am willing to forget the kink for her, and have made this clear. However, it is since then that we haven't had sex. This is nothing to do with me saying either do it kinky or don't do it. I've tried to initiate sex on many occasions with her putting a damper on the moment.

(in reply to Voltare)

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend - 2/20/2005 11:47:04 AM

mantis65

Posts: 456
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

One vanilla girlfriend I had just knowing about my fantasies was enough to drive her away.
i told her up front before we were involved what i was into and she tried to play the role of Dominant to make me happy. Then she tried to change me then we both realized i was never going to change and either was she. Other Women weren’t into what i was into but at least accepted it.
mantis

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