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LTRsubNW -> Weird sex laws (12/8/2006 11:21:19 AM)
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(Sue me...I have a cold and I've already looked up all the porn I could find that was interesting and I don't want to clean my kitchen....so this is what you get:
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
(Man...talk about prudes).
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
(Fuck those bastards...if I give a woman a good orgasm...I'm letting other people know!)
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
(Well, you know what they say..."there's never a bad time to buy real estate").
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
(Slut!)
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
(Ever seen those Victoria Secret panties with fishing weights on em? Hot stuff I tell you).
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
(Now THAT is a rational law!!!)
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
(Imagine all these wives in Wyoming, hubby gets a promotion, they move to Kansas and she discovers it wasn't just understandable "shrinkage").
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
(Hmmmm...lemme think..."fuck or fish....fuck....or fish..."...lemme get back to you on that).
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
(Slut!)
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
(Fucking bastards! {It's okay...I was only masturbating})
While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.
(Yeah...that'll teach you to fuck around now won't it Demitrios?)
It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.
(Yeah, but international flights are getting cheaper by the day).
As recently as 1990, these states had laws against the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C.
(Well now, I know for a FACT they had thousands upon thousands of dildos in Washington DC looooong before they repealed that law).
In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish.
(Okay, now, I'm not even sure how that works).
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
(Based on the fucking I've gotten over the years from those bastards in Washington DC, someone better be gonna go to jail! Cause it sure as shit wasn't missionary).
It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.
(This somehow makes sense to me).
It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England.
(That's only because the organist has already gone home by then).
Sodomy laws have been repealed—or are ignored—in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home.
(Slut!)
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you—or holding you in his arms.
(Well, there's certainly no point in looking for a good woman with a flat head in Iowa, that's for damn sure).
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
(I'm moving to Virginia).
Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed, called "the seduction of female students," is prosecuted as a felony. This statute applies only to male teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have sex with male students.
(Ya know...I haven't been skating in years...I need a new hobby).
There's an odd law governing beds in all Sioux Falls, South Dakota, hotels. Every room is required to have twin beds. And these twin beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.
("Fine...but YOU'RE sleeping on the ScotchGuard tonight!")
Indiana and Wyoming both have laws against anyone's enticing, alluring, instigating, or helping a person under 21 to masturbate. This activity is known in legal circles as an act of "self pollution."
(Where the hell is the EPA when you really need 'em?)
Procuring or employing an Alabama girl from 10 to 18 years old for prostitution brings a relatively mild $300 to $500 fine and six months in jail.
(But if it turns out to be your sister, it's only $20).
The alpaca (a variety of llama) appears to be the most popular four-legged bedmate for many single Peruvian guys. So prevalent, apparently, is this sexual deviance that an old law still outlaws the activity. Unmarried young men are prohibited from even having a female alpaca live in their homes or apartments.
("Honestly...she's just a friend...no really!!!").
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is all the news that's fit to print!
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