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shatteringlilium -> RE: Where's my freakin' guide book? D/s for dummies? Anything? (12/9/2006 9:17:58 PM)
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A very deep, heartfelt thank you to everyone who has replied and given me so much to think about. I can't begin to directly answer everyone, but to a few people whose comments stood out:
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ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl
Rushing into such an important decision may very likely result in another failure. Take your time. Talk to any potential partners to determine if they are looking for the same type of relationship you are.
This is where I trip myself up horribly. Due to my sometimes overwhelming need to make someone else happy, I set up my own recent relationship for failure by giving in. My Miss was - and is - a wonderful, powerful person who has a strong will and knows how to get what she wants, when she knows what it is she wants. I kind of let myself be roped in by that and went from there, and even when I knew something was't right, I tried desperately to hold onto it. As it is, due to mainly my own blindness and problems, I now may lose her as even a friend (in her own words, we are not friends, although how we managed to be lovers without being friends is beyond me!) Your advice is very sound, and it's something I need to try to remember.
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ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Hence the glass is half full for me.
Alas, my view tends to be somewhere around "glass half empty" or "glass, what glass? *drool*".
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ORIGINAL:MmakeMme
Umm ... yes. But ... err ... that's kind of the point.
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Ultimately, the sub has more say. She can choose to obey or to disobey. How will He force her to do anything she does not wish to do?
My bad, I didn't elaborate - I meant, are so many Doms THAT WAY from the START - before you even get a chance to really get to know each other. That question was from reading the profiles where some Doms seemed really lazy about their search and had a "YOU come to ME" mentality about it, which kind of interests me. I find it fascinating that some Doms have a "Quest for the Ultimate Sub" idea while others feel like they shouldn't have to work at finding one, one should just appear! lol
Additionally, yes, a Dom can force - through mental and emotional manipulation. But one would hope any sub would steer clear of an overly manipulative Dominant anyway, right?
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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
Finally try to be realistic. You asked really good questions, shatteringlilium, so keep asking them. But also ask yourself why you have the ideas you do about what being dominant and what being submissive is? Are these realistic and under what conditions?
This is something I have tried to do in the past, and find I have trouble doing once I am in the relationship. I find that I, myself, become so bogged down with trying to match with my partner's ideals and get so frustrated when they are not something I feel I should have to abide to at that stage of the relationship, that I let things go haywire, all out of the initial drive to make it right the first time around.
Gods, you're right, I AM young ><
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ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster
I was selling the Great Book of All Things for a while, but I ran out of copies. I'll be telling the printer to fire up the machine and churn out some more.
I find that the bullwhip is great for inspiring those monks to write faster. <3
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ORIGINAL: Emperor1956
I don't know how old your former Miss is, but she has some wisdom. More wisdom would be to have elaborated. Those of us in poly relationships with a primary (in my case, wife) who we love deeply and have committed to as a life partner realize that being in a polyamorous relationship has very little to do with being "enough" or getting "enough". It has to do with expressing a part of ourselves that is good, but isn't necessarily good in the primary relationship, it has to do with sharing another person's love and ideally it has to do with finding a balance in the complex dance of relationships.
And in reference to your entire response in general, as well. I just quoted a good part of it ^_^
Yes, my Miss had wisdom. She's a bit my better and has been around longer, although she is as new to D/s as I am. That was a large part of the problem; neither of us knew what we were doing! : )
And, thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I try to think; I spend far too much time doing it sometimes. And sometimes I get so caught up in thinking and rambling about my thoughts and feelings, I forget to ask questions. Which is a flaw I need to seriously work on.
I can also explain myself a little - I'm one of the people who needs a why. I need a reason for everything - if no reason is given, I go mad trying to rationalize it. It's a curse. Also, my hang-up on being enough comes from bad prior experiences with people,w here i was made to believe I wasn't enough of something. I'm trying to get over that, but I can't stop questioning it.
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ORIGINAL: CandleInTheWind
I understand you feelings...the common denomenator in these situations have been you...so you are blaming yourself
Well, the other people generally seemed to think it was me, so I kind of have to go with that :D
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ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
My Master expects to get what he wants from me, when he wants and how he wants, no ifs ands or buts.
My trouble is when this is expected from the first "date" as it were.
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ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
Yes, it's common...just as common as it is for people to not grasp the amount of responsibility they bear for making ANY relationship work.
Very true words. I see D/s as simply another offshoot of what is termed a "Vanilla" relationship, and it shouldn't be treated as any less work - it's actually a lot more, on both ends, from what I can see. The submissive has to work to be able to bend to the will of his or her Dominant, and the Dominant has to work at crafting their own lives, and the lives of their sub(s). This is not easy to do, especially since no one has a perfect life, and there is no way to forsee what will happen in the future.
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A rhetorical question. Who can answer this? I sense that you're merely frustrated...patience isn't easy, but it is required.
I have to admit (rather shame-facedly) that my patience, which used to last me months, has dried up rather pathetically into a shameful husk of its former self.
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Start looking at yourself rather than looking at other people. You cannot control other people's "stuff". You can only control your "stuff". What do YOU want in a relationship? What are YOUR needs? What are your lines in the sand, so to speak. Once you figure yourself out a bit, then start looking again...and don't settle.
VERY good advice, and I appreciate that you said as much.
I am going to do as you said.. and it's one of the reasons I came here to finally ask questions and will try to be more active on the boards here... I need to know myself better, know who I really am, and then when I KNOW I am ready to venture back into the world of relationships - be they vanilla or D/s - I will do so with head held high.
|D Can anyone else tell that I have given myself a major pep talk in the last couple of days? Nasty weeks will make personal cheerleaders of us all.
Thanks again to everyone for your review of this post and your comments, I found them all very helpful!
Except the comments about the monks. But as I always love a reason to smile, it brightened up my night.
Thank you all again! Any further insight or whathaveyou is very much appreciated.
- Shattering Lilium
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