Shared Interests

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MisPandora -> Shared Interests (12/9/2006 4:47:01 PM)
I'm a dominant sadist. I find it's important for my enjoyment if I engage in play with compatible individuals, namely masochistic submissives. It does nothing for me to dish out pain to someone who gets no enjoyment from it. (If that were the case, I'd abandon my interest in BDSM and my job at a non-profit for a lucrative career as a dentist.) Sure, there are times that I might do something that the slave doesn't exactly enjoy, but the bottom line is that my sadism feeds off of someone who enjoys and can process the pain as pleasure and enjoyment. In the same vein, in searching for a long term sub male partner, I read carefully an individual's profile and I understand what things they hold as important to them. I would choose not to pursue someone if their interests were misaligned with my own. Several examples I can think of would include someone who has a latex fetish (I'm allergic), someone who was into diapers (not my kink) or scat (assessed by me to be a health risk.) I respect other people's rights to be into their fetishes or kinks and would not want for them to sacrifice their clearly important interest because it's something I'm unwilling to provide for them. I've just had a long conversation that's led me to believe that I am very alone in this line of thinking. I've seen repeated behaviors from other women that have affirmed my thinking, however, this really has me questioning! Is this such a difficult concept for others to grasp -- respecting someone's desires, and further, wanting someone to have parallel interests to maintain a long term relationship with? And where do you stand? How do you approach other's kinks, interests and identity? Do you make practice of pursuing others who have kinks you've got no interest in or no intention to engage in? And why?

fergus -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 5:07:21 PM)
I think it has a lot to do with the long and arduous task of assessing compromise. Naturally, I agree that I also would want someone compatible and someone whom I should like to see as a person (not a list of kinks and interests) - and that they would offer me the same respect and mutual dignity! However, I can see that this makes the task of finding the right person long and oftentimes frustrating. Along the way there are some things I am willing to sacrifice to at least FIND OUT about other people to see if they are more compatable than a few sentences on a profile might relate. I believe it is all a matter of perception. Anyway, taking the extra step in talking with people who many one have a 'few' commonalities means that I have learned quite a lot. fergus

thetammyjo -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 5:57:45 PM)
I think it reflects what is really important to us. While I am a sadist and I do indeed enjoy a masochist I don't need a masochist because the Ds is what is really the most important thing for me. A good slave will suffer (as Fox does) when I am in a sadistic mood and I do enjoy it though not as I would with a masochist. The world's biggest and most expressive masochist who could not be submissive or be a slave (I think they are different) is of very little interest to me. I might play for an hour at a party but I'd never build any relationship beyond friends with a simple masochist. I have noted in myself though that I require much more with a masochist in terms of pain play than I do with my slave who is not a masochist. I think his sincere service via suffering gives me an extra buzz that I can't get from a masochist.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 7:04:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MisPandora I'm a dominant sadist. I find it's important for my enjoyment if I engage in play with compatible individuals, namely masochistic submissives. It does nothing for me to dish out pain to someone who gets no enjoyment from it. (If that were the case, I'd abandon my interest in BDSM and my job at a non-profit for a lucrative career as a dentist.) Sure, there are times that I might do something that the slave doesn't exactly enjoy, but the bottom line is that my sadism feeds off of someone who enjoys and can process the pain as pleasure and enjoyment. In the same vein, in searching for a long term sub male partner, I read carefully an individual's profile and I understand what things they hold as important to them. I would choose not to pursue someone if their interests were misaligned with my own. Several examples I can think of would include someone who has a latex fetish (I'm allergic), someone who was into diapers (not my kink) or scat (assessed by me to be a health risk.) I respect other people's rights to be into their fetishes or kinks and would not want for them to sacrifice their clearly important interest because it's something I'm unwilling to provide for them. I've just had a long conversation that's led me to believe that I am very alone in this line of thinking. I've seen repeated behaviors from other women that have affirmed my thinking, however, this really has me questioning! Is this such a difficult concept for others to grasp -- respecting someone's desires, and further, wanting someone to have parallel interests to maintain a long term relationship with? And where do you stand? How do you approach other's kinks, interests and identity? Do you make practice of pursuing others who have kinks you've got no interest in or no intention to engage in? And why? My first time beginning this answer, I was like, "Why would I pursue someone who didn't match my kinks?" But, the more I wrote, the more things expanded in my head. The final answer ended up being: I wouldn't actively pursue someone who didn't match my kinks. However, I'm also open to whatever the Universe deems proper...so I'm open to having someone in the household who's only connections with me are service and spirituality. So, while I personally wouldn't choose to pursue someone who didn't match my kinks...but sometimes, the choice is made for me by a higher power. Clear as mud? LOL Master Fire

pixelslave -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 8:03:44 PM)
MisPandora, To me, life is a series of compromises. Most subs would gladly be willing to give up one or two of their "kinks" or desires in order to be with a Domme that overal satisfied their needs. I'd hope that a Domme would feel the same if she met a sub who met her basic requirements. Perhaps if you made a list of your minimum requirements vs your ideal requirements, you'd find someone in-between without feeling as though you'd "settled". Instead, you might find that the sub you chose might introduce you to new or different aspects of servitude to which you were not accustomed that you found you liked and appreciated because they were given to you by him as a gift from the heart. Similarly, there may be things he'd be willing to have you push his limits in order to try and please you and learn to enjoy, just because it was you. What more of a show of devotion could you really ask for? Your minimum requirements would be met and your sub would be trying to expand his limits and learn to go beyond them just for you. [&:] In Summary, looking at a profile as non-negotiable or as cast in stone, is in my opinion a mistake. Find a sub with the right attitude, one who in time might develop into exactly what you'd like. If not, you'd at least have someone whom you like and with whom you'd have many other things to share beyond your D/s interests. I'd hope you wouldn't pass someone by who was "close" by not exactly to your requirements without first discussing how firmly they were attached to some of their desires. You might in fact find that some are things they've tried, others are things they have an interest in, but no real experience to say if they're really all that important. So why make a big deal of a "list" until you've gotten to know him and discussed them a bit more as they seem really quite open to interpreation to me and may have different meaning to you than someone else like me? [8\|] Gosh my $.02's are adding up today! [:)] - pixel

Morrigel -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 10:38:10 PM)
I wish I could just pick people purely for their kinks, but unfortunately I have never found kinks to be a reliable indicator of whose company I will enjoy. I find I'm much better off finding a few fun games to play with a person I genuinely like and who genuinely likes me, rather than having a whole laundry list of possible sex acts available with a person who doesn't move me in a personal way. Pure kink without personal connection is something I reserve for public play. --M

MisPandora -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 10:58:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fergus I think it has a lot to do with the long and arduous task of assessing compromise. Naturally, I agree that I also would want someone compatible and someone whom I should like to see as a person (not a list of kinks and interests) - and that they would offer me the same respect and mutual dignity! However, I can see that this makes the task of finding the right person long and oftentimes frustrating. Along the way there are some things I am willing to sacrifice to at least FIND OUT about other people to see if they are more compatable than a few sentences on a profile might relate. I believe it is all a matter of perception. Anyway, taking the extra step in talking with people who many one have a 'few' commonalities means that I have learned quite a lot. fergus Thanks for responding, Fergus. I always enjoy your take on things. Perception is everything. And what's more troubling is when the person you're talking with is on a totally different wavelength. Never before have I felt that I was speaking a foreign language, or at least reading it and thinking, "This looks like english but surely, it's not!"

MisPandora -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 11:01:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo I think it reflects what is really important to us. While I am a sadist and I do indeed enjoy a masochist I don't need a masochist because the Ds is what is really the most important thing for me. A good slave will suffer (as Fox does) when I am in a sadistic mood and I do enjoy it though not as I would with a masochist. The world's biggest and most expressive masochist who could not be submissive or be a slave (I think they are different) is of very little interest to me. I might play for an hour at a party but I'd never build any relationship beyond friends with a simple masochist. I have noted in myself though that I require much more with a masochist in terms of pain play than I do with my slave who is not a masochist. I think his sincere service via suffering gives me an extra buzz that I can't get from a masochist. Sage words, especially that last line. That's something that I've not considered, and in my eyes before this, it was nothing that interested me because I could do the same with some vanilla date who allowed me to experiment and I've not gotten anything at all from it. It's all in the heart, I suppose. I'm glad I asked here in this forum because the folks I associate with all fed back to me something entirely different.

MisPandora -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 11:04:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Morrigel I wish I could just pick people purely for their kinks, but unfortunately I have never found kinks to be a reliable indicator of whose company I will enjoy. I find I'm much better off finding a few fun games to play with a person I genuinely like and who genuinely likes me, rather than having a whole laundry list of possible sex acts available with a person who doesn't move me in a personal way. Pure kink without personal connection is something I reserve for public play. --M You missed my point. I'm not talking about people with grocery lists. I'm speaking of one valuable part of my identity being disregarded by others because they are a seeker and I should be willing to sacrifice what I desire because they don't get it.

MisPandora -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 11:06:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam My first time beginning this answer, I was like, "Why would I pursue someone who didn't match my kinks?" But, the more I wrote, the more things expanded in my head. The final answer ended up being: I wouldn't actively pursue someone who didn't match my kinks. However, I'm also open to whatever the Universe deems proper...so I'm open to having someone in the household who's only connections with me are service and spirituality. So, while I personally wouldn't choose to pursue someone who didn't match my kinks...but sometimes, the choice is made for me by a higher power. Interesting. I'm not much for wrangling a whole household. One constant would be a nice addition to my life right now. But, I don't think I need to be desperate enough to place someone there that I need sacrifice "self" in order to fill that gap.

FLsubmalecd -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 11:20:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pixelslave MisPandora, To me, life is a series of compromises. Most subs would gladly be willing to give up one or two of their "kinks" or desires in order to be with a Domme that overal satisfied their needs. I'd hope that a Domme would feel the same if she met a sub who met her basic requirements. Perhaps if you made a list of your minimum requirements vs your ideal requirements, you'd find someone in-between without feeling as though you'd "settled". Instead, you might find that the sub you chose might introduce you to new or different aspects of servitude to which you were not accustomed that you found you liked and appreciated because they were given to you by him as a gift from the heart. Similarly, there may be things he'd be willing to have you push his limits in order to try and please you and learn to enjoy, just because it was you. What more of a show of devotion could you really ask for? Your minimum requirements would be met and your sub would be trying to expand his limits and learn to go beyond them just for you. [&:] In Summary, looking at a profile as non-negotiable or as cast in stone, is in my opinion a mistake. Find a sub with the right attitude, one who in time might develop into exactly what you'd like. If not, you'd at least have someone whom you like and with whom you'd have many other things to share beyond your D/s interests. I'd hope you wouldn't pass someone by who was "close" by not exactly to your requirements without first discussing how firmly they were attached to some of their desires. You might in fact find that some are things they've tried, others are things they have an interest in, but no real experience to say if they're really all that important. So why make a big deal of a "list" until you've gotten to know him and discussed them a bit more as they seem really quite open to interpreation to me and may have different meaning to you than someone else like me? [8\|] Gosh my $.02's are adding up today! [:)] - pixel Wow! Seems to me pixel just saved me a lot of thinking and writing. I could not have said this better! Thank you pixel! I am one of the lucky ones that has found the ONE and ONLY Domme I want to serve for the rest of my life. And from a sub male's point of view, I can say that I might not be into everything She might be into. Being newer to the lifestyle then She is, i know She has experienced things I have yet to experience. But I am more then willing to experience anything She is into to please Her. And I don't mean just the sexual or play lists of likes and desires. We do however share the same hard limits (children, animals, scat, age play, and other common limits shared by many) But as a sub, i sure would want to at least try to please Her in every way I can with things that I might not be into or have had experience with. If all else is compatible away from the sexual or scene things we like, is it asking to much for a Domme to at least be open to things She would not otherwise be into or have experienced? But I am also talking about a long term potential partner, not just some one to play with. I guess we might not be as open to new or different things if we want just a play partner without a commitment from someone as a potential partner for life. For me, my total submission is reserved for only those I have had a very strong bond with. For just a play partner, The OPS question would be perhaps answered differently. And not being a Domme/Dom, i can't even begin to understand the mindset of those that are Dominant. So only my sub male mind can respond in how I feel about it. OK, so pixel did not save me from thinking and i had to add my 2 cents too. But it's late and i am tired so i hope i made some sense of it.

MisPandora -> RE: Shared Interests (12/9/2006 11:26:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FLsubmalecd For just a play partner, The OPS question would be perhaps answered differently. That's why I was explicit in my post that I was speaking of the search for a partner in a long term relationship, not just for play. Perhaps my error in my post is that I used the comparison to that random list of "must-haves" that wouldn't be ok for me, and that's what's causing this push towards recommending "compromise." Let me ask you this -- It seems to me that you identify pretty strongly with being a CD. How would you take a dominant pursuing you to tell you that she'd never entertain your feminine being ever again, and that in order to do so, you'd have to seek someone else outside of this meaningful relationship that you're supposedly starting? Would that not leave you disappointed or disconnected?

FLsubmalecd -> RE: Shared Interests (12/10/2006 12:06:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MisPandora quote: ORIGINAL: FLsubmalecd For just a play partner, The OPS question would be perhaps answered differently. That's why I was explicit in my post that I was speaking of the search for a partner in a long term relationship, not just for play. Perhaps my error in my post is that I used the comparison to that random list of "must-haves" that wouldn't be ok for me, and that's what's causing this push towards recommending "compromise." Let me ask you this -- It seems to me that you identify pretty strongly with being a CD. How would you take a dominant pursuing you to tell you that she'd never entertain your feminine being ever again, and that in order to do so, you'd have to seek someone else outside of this meaningful relationship that you're supposedly starting? Would that not leave you disappointed or disconnected? Fair question MisPandora, First, i apologize for not seeing the part of your post about looking for a long term partner. Yes, i am a cross dresser. Been one since age 8-9 or so. To be one is not something we can just give up. If it was, i might have given it up a long time ago. Life would have been easier. lol But to answer your question....If I found enough other things about that Dominant that interested me, and if she would not want me to cross dress in her presents, or serve her while cross dressed, But otherwise was still interested in me as a partner for other reasons, I'd try to find a compromise. I would not write her off over that one issue...no. Perhaps i'd ask her for permission to dress, if the urge got strong enough, while she was not in need of my services and i had free time. She would never have to see me in fem mode at all. I do not need to dress to feel submissive or to be submissive to her. True, i'd rather she liked, accepted or even tolerated my dressing for her. I'd be a liar to suggest i'd be happy about not sharing that part of me with her. But if all else was compatible and we enjoyed each other in other ways, i am sure a compromise of some sort could be made if we cared that much about each other, or had a mutual attraction to each other from the beginning. So maybe your example is not a good one to ask since I can cross dress without the need of a partner to express that part of me; While you would need a partner for your interests to work. And if it was a Dominant that had your very strong need or interest, i'd do my level best to try to meet her needs. But that is what we submissives do. We have that need to please and to serve even if it is not on our list of likes and interests. I have found that there are things my Domme is interested in that i have all of the sudden found interest in just because She is interested in it. I do want to please Her in every way I can. So is that one of the differences in the submissive mind and that of a Dominant? The degree of how much we will or will not "try" to meet their needs? Or at least try to compromise and accept?

Jeniluscious -> RE: Shared Interests (12/10/2006 12:37:10 AM)
Interesting question, and I'd like to shed some light from another direction. Unfortunately, it will probably only serve to muddy the waters even more. I have things that I simply MUST have in a long term relationship that I simply cannot compromise: I am a sadist and the other must be willing to at least endure most of the things I do/like with a willing and grateful heart (loving it and getting aroused from it would be the ideal). I demand service from the other. I am very much a training and protocol freak and there must be a willingness to learn and adapt to the way I want something done, whether it be body attiude when we are in public or how I drink my coffee and tea. The other must be able to be a loved and valued companion, so this means someone who likes to read, keeps up with current events (even if you only get your daily news from Jon Stewart) and enjoys conversations on myriad topics. Making me laugh is also pretty high on the list. However, one thing that is inevitably noticed and commented on in my profile is that I love bloodplay. This is true; I adore doing temp piercings, temp brandings and decorative, artistic cuttings. I play hard and that occasionally will cause deep, bloody scratches. I get contact from submissive men and women often who say, "Oh, no, I could never ever do that! Blood and needles and pain oh my!" Hrmmm.... but how do you know? Inevitably, the answer is: I don't know... I just do! I will say this, after 30 years of doing this Thing from both sides, you DON'T know. Until you are in a right situation with the right person, you really don't know what you will do. I don't mean coercion; I mean a fascination with a person and experiences and feeling and seeing and tasting things so far out of your ken that you couldn't even fantasize about it before this. It happens because I've done it; I've ridden in that rodeo before. I've had submissive men and women say to me, I'm very experienced with canes. We start to play and I discover that hir "experience with canes" was mild percussion play, similar to tapping someone with a drumstick. NOT my way of caning. Doesn't matter how many times you've done any given S/m or D/s act, doing with someone new is a completely new experience. Ahhh, I love that rush, the newness. My point? Sometimes reading a profile or even discussing issues with someone isn't how it would work out over the building times. Of course, this doesn't make the search easier. I rely a lot on gut reaction when I am meeting and talking with people. Sometimes that's indicative of what they won't do later, but even more often, it's indicative of what they think about what they MIGHT do. Then the thought and gamble is up to you. If a submissive is recalcitrant and narrow from the beginning, the hope that they might loosen up is probably a futile one. I wish you well.

MisPandora -> RE: Shared Interests (12/10/2006 3:21:01 AM)
Totally cool post Jeni, and no, I don't think it confused things at all. I am a sharps freak and enjoy blood play as well. Most non-masochists don't get it or don't have any appreciation for the energy that comes from it. That's who I choose to share my energies with because I feel it's most appreciated. I'd like to think that my background and exposure to different sorts of people, genders, sexual preferences, etc over 11 years would give me a fairly good base to make that judgement on. Who knows, I could be wrong!

blmtrsne -> RE: Shared Interests (12/10/2006 3:37:10 AM)
I don't find my pleasure in inflicting pain, i just want to be served. And a slave who thinks allike is also a slave who will try to improve his service, will be intelligent enough to get to know how to improve, yes surprice his Mistress, his service. And if your pleraseure and his are alike that will only be positive. The slave will grow and so will his Mistress. blmtrsne

SirDiscipliner69 -> RE: Shared Interests (12/10/2006 3:57:20 AM)
It is common sense to go after like minded individuals for some... For others it represets a challenge in "converting" them. Ross Bon D' Age' : BDSM http://tinyurl.com/ygblqt Designermite : http://tinyurl.com/ueov5 Soul of Motorcycle Art http://tinyurl.com/ybg73a

thetammyjo -> RE: Shared Interests (12/10/2006 6:07:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MisPandora quote: ORIGINAL: Morrigel I wish I could just pick people purely for their kinks, but unfortunately I have never found kinks to be a reliable indicator of whose company I will enjoy. I find I'm much better off finding a few fun games to play with a person I genuinely like and who genuinely likes me, rather than having a whole laundry list of possible sex acts available with a person who doesn't move me in a personal way. Pure kink without personal connection is something I reserve for public play. --M You missed my point. I'm not talking about people with grocery lists. I'm speaking of one valuable part of my identity being disregarded by others because they are a seeker and I should be willing to sacrifice what I desire because they don't get it. I think that Pixel's idea of basic versus ideal is good for everyone. Things that we desire can be divided into the must have and the want to have list -- that's what I did for myself. These aren't only BDSM things either. Of course MisPandora knows this all ready but if someone treats us like we should give up what we desire for their desires, they aren't the right person for us. Her frustration is normal and common because in my experience it happens a lot in this "community" -- on all sides of the dynamics. My personal guidelines on this issue is as followings: I'm the dominant so my must haves will happen. I'm the dominant so my want to haves will happen from time to time. I will give my submissive his must haves. I will give my submissives his want to haves from time to time. I will never do things that are on my hard limits list. I will use things on my neutral list as rewards. I would expect a potential sub/slave to have a similar set of guidelines though, let's be honest, the authority/power dynamic is such that he will be far more likely to do things on his neutral or soft limit list than I will. Otherwise is it really a hierarchical relationship?

Morrigel -> RE: Shared Interests (12/10/2006 7:12:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MisPandora You missed my point. I'm not talking about people with grocery lists. I'm speaking of one valuable part of my identity being disregarded by others because they are a seeker and I should be willing to sacrifice what I desire because they don't get it. I suppose. My point is...everyone has a grocery list. Me included. Having a few things on the list in common with someone is good--you have to have something--and it is a very bad thing when the one or two truly non-negotiable "must-haves" are really incompatible. But I can't pick someone out on the basis of compatible kink lists; how well we click together usually has nothing to do with that, unless it is an anonymous public play scene. Had a couple of those last night, and they were fun, but I didn't go home with either of the people I played with. I'd like to find someone to go home with. [:)] --M

DiannaVesta -> RE: Shared Interests (12/10/2006 7:32:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo My personal guidelines on this issue is as followings: I'm the dominant so my must haves will happen. I'm the dominant so my want to haves will happen from time to time. I will give my submissive his must haves. I will give my submissives his want to haves from time to time. I will never do things that are on my hard limits list. I will use things on my neutral list as rewards. I would expect a potential sub/slave to have a similar set of guidelines though, let's be honest, the authority/power dynamic is such that he will be far more likely to do things on his neutral or soft limit list than I will. Otherwise is it really a hierarchical relationship? I love this TammyJo The first and most important thing to me is the dynamic. It has to be D/s, female domination, because if I don’t feel this I’m just not interested. It can’t be part time or when he/she is in the mood. I am not a physical masochist but I admit that I enjoy begging, the mental aspects of suffering. Still I was/am an experienced sadist because I was a professional dominatrix for many years. This doesn’t mean I want to service my slave but I will consider needs. Wants is another story. If my needs are fulfilled then I’m happy. When I’m happy everyone is happy. Plain and simple. I often wonder if my expectations are too high. I mean I am a SUB-Culture to the 100th degree! Lol- it makes finding relationships difficult. Sure I get tons of email but the reality is that few can meet my standards. For someone to be into this and that and tell me this, well that means nothing to me if the dynamic isn’t heavy.

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