RE: How do I turn my Dominant Personality GF into my Mistress?

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RE: How do I turn my Dominant Personality GF into my Mi... - 12/14/2006 5:59:03 AM

subronnc

Posts: 19
Joined: 5/20/2004
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i have a similar "problem" but not sure what to do. She knows i am submissive, but does not identify as dominant. She likes being pampered, but not by me in particular. She likes me to take care of moving large items, cleaning up, etc. At first she wasn't comfortable with me helping with grocery shopping and other chores/tasks like that, but has grown to like it.

When it comes to other decisions, mostly about where to go eat, is the problem. Sometimes she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it, but other times she wants me to decided, which i'm not comfortable doing. I offer a few choices and sometimes that helps, but sometimes she wants me to decide because she feels like i never getting what i want. If there is something i really don't want, i'll tell her, which she also understands, but sometimes it gets close to the point of an argument about silly/small things.

How do i convince her that i will like whatever she chooses? Or should i obey her when she wants me to make a decision?

Sexually, she is put off by my toys -- butt plug, vibrating egg, c-ring, etc. -- but is not afraid to ask for it, and loves for me to orally please her, which i enjoy as well. i don't want to give up/throw away the toys... i don't know if she is put off by them because she doesn't know what they are, or if she will never have any interest in them. Once i was bent over a chair and she said "i could really spank you like that" and i didn't move or beg for it, but she didn't do it. i feel like this is going somewhere, but don't want to "force" her into anything she doesn't want to do or is comfortable doing. is there anything i should do or say to encourage? i thought about offering literature, but that seems to be "pushing" to me, and would be a later step after she shows more interest in the matter.

Thanks in advance for any help/advice/whatever!

(in reply to CalliopePurple)

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RE: How do I turn my Dominant Personality GF into my Mi... - 12/14/2006 7:01:22 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subronnc

i have a similar "problem" but not sure what to do. She knows i am submissive, but does not identify as dominant. She likes being pampered, but not by me in particular. She likes me to take care of moving large items, cleaning up, etc. At first she wasn't comfortable with me helping with grocery shopping and other chores/tasks like that, but has grown to like it.

You may be stepping on her sphere -- she may have been raised with the idea that women do certain things (or she does certain things). My kitchen is MY kitchen; it took Fox years to earn my trust enough to be alone alone in it to do more than fetch a glass of water. He was invading my space and he was my slave, not just my boyfriend who happens to also be submissive. Imagine how she might feel if you invade her space or take on her duties.

quote:

When it comes to other decisions, mostly about where to go eat, is the problem. Sometimes she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it, but other times she wants me to decided, which i'm not comfortable doing. I offer a few choices and sometimes that helps, but sometimes she wants me to decide because she feels like i never getting what i want. If there is something i really don't want, i'll tell her, which she also understands, but sometimes it gets close to the point of an argument about silly/small things.

How do i convince her that i will like whatever she chooses? Or should i obey her when she wants me to make a decision?

First, if you are feeling like you are her submissive or that you want to serve her and she says "you decide" then you decide. It really is that simple. You are uncomfortable with it? Well, apparently at that moment, so is she. Now you make a choice -- being aggressive or being of service.

quote:

Sexually, she is put off by my toys -- butt plug, vibrating egg, c-ring, etc. -- but is not afraid to ask for it, and loves for me to orally please her, which i enjoy as well. i don't want to give up/throw away the toys... i don't know if she is put off by them because she doesn't know what they are, or if she will never have any interest in them. Once i was bent over a chair and she said "i could really spank you like that" and i didn't move or beg for it, but she didn't do it. i feel like this is going somewhere, but don't want to "force" her into anything she doesn't want to do or is comfortable doing. is there anything i should do or say to encourage? i thought about offering literature, but that seems to be "pushing" to me, and would be a later step after she shows more interest in the matter.

Thanks in advance for any help/advice/whatever!

Have you two talked about your toys? How do you know she does not like them? Why does she feel that way? Does she consider it your way of saying that the sex you all ready enjoy isn't good enough or that she isn't enough? Does she associate them with negative images of sex or criminal behavior? Until you get some honest answers you can't do anything about it -- and when you get the answers you might not be able to do anything either but at least you might be better able to accept things as they are or make a decision to more on to someone else.

When she makes comments like "I could spank you" and you do nothing and say nothing, you signal that her comment and desire at that moment aren't important. That reinforces what may be her idea that all this "kinky stuff" is just selfishness and has nothing to do with her as a person. If she says that you should reply in an encouraging but also an empowering way. Wiggle you ass and perhaps say "I'd really like that" or "I'm open to that idea" but then don't push further. If she makes another move tell her that was great and ask her if she likes it and state that it is better when she likes it.

In other words, encourage her when she does things you like by suggesting that you value her enjoyment of it.

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TammyJo

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(in reply to subronnc)

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Post #: 22

RE: How do I turn my Dominant Personality GF into my Mi... - 12/14/2006 10:44:37 AM

DanceDreaming

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/2/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kitriana

you can't force a person to be dominant. she was either born with it and knowing it and knows how to utilize it, or its just not first nature and its being forced.

Er...

I agree you can't force anyone to be. The notion of such is a bit backward. And I agree that some people are, some aren't.... And it's entirely possible she just isn't the dominant type.

but...

The whole 'born with it and knowing it and knowing how to utilize it' is not in any way, shape or form true. I'm a good example of that. So are several other Domme's I know.

Female as submissive is the societal default. Many Domme's try that -first-, don't like it, and try to find something better. And getting past social conditioning to the point where I was even -ok- with 'utilizing it', never mind how to do it well, was a lot of work.

Maybe for some, it all just falls into place. For many, it takes a lot of soul searching, and a lot of learning. Sometimes it also takes someone telling you why the heck anyone would even -want- to do it.

(in reply to kitriana)

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RE: How do I turn my Dominant Personality GF into my Mi... - 12/14/2006 5:28:51 PM

fortifiedsqual

Posts: 15
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline

Well I just wanted to let everyone know that thanks to your help my girlfriend is now more open to the idea. DanceDreaming thank you for messaging her and thanks for the post of Akasha's link, she read both of those and is realizing that this can be a good thing. I'm not one of those micromanagement types (i used to act like that) so now she's getting to like it.

Today she had me do a few things like grab her things from the kitchen and clean her room (no strings of course :) ) and i was sure to obey as to make it as effortless as possible. She also made me put her shoes on before we went out because she was still eating, and she didn't even pay attention to it. She just said "put my shoes on boy, i'm busy." I just smiled and obliged. We're taking it slow and i'm definetly not asking a single thing of her and i follow every order or request she gives. If i want her to be consistent i have to do it first.

Thanks for the help all, any more advice is much appreciated.

(in reply to DanceDreaming)

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RE: How do I turn my Dominant Personality GF into my Mi... - 12/14/2006 11:55:44 PM

DanceDreaming

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline

Glad to hear things seem to be working. Congratulations. Maintain that consistency, and it might just pan for you.

There will be more problems, no telling what. Flexibility on both of your parts will be useful...though yours more of course.

I'd love it if you kept us updated.

(in reply to fortifiedsqual)

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RE: How do I turn my Dominant Personality GF into my Mi... - 12/15/2006 5:51:34 AM

subronnc

Posts: 19
Joined: 5/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

You may be stepping on her sphere -- she may have been raised with the idea that women do certain things (or she does certain things). My kitchen is MY kitchen; it took Fox years to earn my trust enough to be alone in it to do more than fetch a glass of water. He was invading my space and he was my slave, not just my boyfriend who happens to also be submissive. Imagine how she might feel if you invade her space or take on her duties.

The kitchen is very much her domain... Sometimes i can help (setting the table, getting drinks, etc.), but mostly i'm in the way and am bannished. At first i used to fight it but now don't. Things were extra crazy on Thanksgiving this year, the first in which my family came over to her place for dinner.

quote:

quote:

How do i convince her that i will like whatever she chooses? Or should i obey her when she wants me to make a decision?

First, if you are feeling like you are her submissive or that you want to serve her and she says "you decide" then you decide. It really is that simple. You are uncomfortable with it? Well, apparently at that moment, so is she. Now you make a choice -- being aggressive or being of service.

i am very uncomfortable in making decisions in general... i know i'll be happy with many options, so it is difficult to put one over the rest. But i guess not choosing is being agressive in itself, which is not good.

quote:

Have you two talked about your toys? How do you know she does not like them? Why does she feel that way? Does she consider it your way of saying that the sex you all ready enjoy isn't good enough or that she isn't enough? Does she associate them with negative images of sex or criminal behavior? Until you get some honest answers you can't do anything about it -- and when you get the answers you might not be able to do anything either but at least you might be better able to accept things as they are or make a decision to more on to someone else.

i told her about being submissive kinda early on, but when we wer cleaning out my room (she likes the home improvment shows where people get rid of stuff they don't need) we found the toy box. i showed her what things were, and about halfway through she didn't want to see any more. i chalked it up to initial shock of so much at once, and not understanding. They were there before she was, and are not a sex enhancer/substitute. To me they are a show of submission -- i only use them if Someone tells me to, and Someone telling me to use them makes their use all the more special. Being with her is special as well, so if it came down to it, the toys would go, but i'd rather it not be an either/or situation.

quote:

When she makes comments like "I could spank you" and you do nothing and say nothing, you signal that her comment and desire at that moment aren't important. That reinforces what may be her idea that all this "kinky stuff" is just selfishness and has nothing to do with her as a person. If she says that you should reply in an encouraging but also an empowering way. Wiggle you ass and perhaps say "I'd really like that" or "I'm open to that idea" but then don't push further. If she makes another move tell her that was great and ask her if she likes it and state that it is better when she likes it.

In other words, encourage her when she does things you like by suggesting that you value her enjoyment of it.

i think it was something like "if you don't move i might have to spank your ass" and i didn't move. i did a little wiggle, but she wasn't looking and/or it was too subtle. i know i should have said something, and have been looking for an excuse to end up in the same position again, but haven't yet.

i do encourage her in other matters, like cooking, choice of music, activities, etc. but not as much for the submissive things. i often feel that encouraging my submission makes me "selfish", but if i don't tell her how much i like it, then she won't know and/or think it isn't what i want.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

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Post #: 26