Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course

Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

TallLord -> Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/13/2006 4:35:02 PM)
So, I've found myself in a bit of a dilemma. Engaged to be married to a wonderful, submissive woman I love a lot, I'm still good friends with the girl with whom I first experimented in the lifestyle. It sounds like her story is a lot like the story of many a sub--"Doms" and "Masters" tell her they're interested in a long term relationship, she shows up, get's used and gets forgotten. I'll even admit that there was a point in time when I was that kind of Dom. I know it happens. On the other hand, she's obviously a special girl (I mean, we stayed in touch) and I'm not especially thrilled about this turn of events. She's a girl who made me happy (we split only because I moved to Germany and she, well, didn't) and who deserves to find happiness. (Or whatever passes for it in a sub.) I think you know where this is going. Ever the proactive one, I told her I'd jump in and get involved. Now, I'm realizing that I don't know how to go about finding a good Dom who's interested in a real, long term relationship. And I wondered if anyone else had ever tried to do any matchmaking for subs/slaves and how they went about it. Is one free to contact other Doms? I mean, I have to admit that I had to troll for subs (as shocking as that admission may be) and would have been put off--or at least startled--if a Dom contacted me and said I could be a possible match for a sub he's been taking care of. I would, naturally, greatly appreciate whatever help you can give.

Voltare -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/13/2006 5:27:34 PM)
Tall, As Doms, it's easy (and usually natural) for us to become locked into the Knight in Shining Armor gig. The desire to protect is a noble - but often misguided one. It's entirely one thing for you to be there for your friend, support her, encourage her, and listen to her cry. That's what friends are for. You still have to stop and remember: She's an adult. She has to meet people on her own. She is a strong, intelligent human being. She will be OK. She might be tempted into fast relationships. She might hook up with the wrong people. You have to let her. It's the price of being a friend - watching other friends make stupid mistakes. They need those mistakes to grown and learn from them. You can't live 'for' her - and you would deny her life's pleasures if you tried to shield her from all of life's evils. In short - give her a shoulder to cry on, but don't make the mistake of playing matchmaker. It could cost you both your friendship and your current fiance.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/13/2006 5:50:06 PM)
I think you need to make her stand on her own two feet and tell her to be single and happy for a full year before considering making a commitment again. She needs to figure out what keeps drawing and accepting people in her life who will use her and break her bad habits and you need to stop being her valiant knight to rely on. Be a friend, but be one who will challenge her to be a fulfilled independent adult- not enable her bad behavior.

BORAT -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/13/2006 7:26:50 PM)
In my country this happenings many time. After we are done sexy time with the sister, and are make marriage other womans, we are auction sister. But only to neighbor with color TV.

Celeste43 -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 7:03:31 AM)
Does your fiancee know about this? Because honestly what it sounds like to me is that she's deliberately trying to ruin your relationship so she can get back together with you. She is a grown woman I assume. Knows how to operate a motor vehicle, can keep a job, pay her bills etc etc. She isn't incapable in other areas of her life, so she doesn't have to be incapable here except that she's trying to reel you back in. Tell your fiancee what's going on. Unless you've agreed to be poly? And even so, she deserves to know the truth.

KatyLied -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 7:23:27 AM)
quote: and who deserves to find happiness. (Or whatever passes for it in a sub.) I'm curious about what you mean by this comment. Do you think that subs are unhappy?

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 7:57:35 AM)
I think you're doing a very honorable thing and disagree with what some others have said about her having to repeatedly get hurt to learn from her mistakes. No woman deserves to be used and tossed aside. This type of learning often causes psychological damage. There are some people who are so scarred by being hurt that they "learn" to never open up to anyone and can't keep a good relationship going when they find one. If more doms helped subs find real relationships, there would be alot less players out there (they wouldn't find any women at all unless they quit being players and wankers). You stated that at one time you used to be that kind of dom. I'm glad to hear you're no longer that way. My advice to you in the selection is to remember your own behavior during that time and how you lured women in. Since you used to be that way yourself, it will be easier for you to spot them. I wish I had a mentor like you. Good luck!!!

SmokingGun82 -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 8:07:13 AM)
Rather than giving you advice you didn't ask for (no matter how well-intentioned), I'll answer your question. If you (or anyone else) contacted me and said "I'm a Dom, but I know a sub who might be a good fit with you" then I'd probably be open to at least exchanging a few emails/IM's with them. Mainly because you never know, and the worst thing that could possibly happen is I sent/recieved a few emails that ended up being a waste of time. Not exactly the worst thing that could ever happen. It's probably the gambler in me talking- the pot odds on that are pretty much perfect.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 8:22:31 AM)
Why is it up to you to find her someone? I can understand not wanting her to get hurt and all. She needs to learn to make responsible decisions for herself. Can you really be objective when and if she finds someone due to your feelings for her? Matchmaking is very touchy and alot of the times doesn't end up so well.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 1:17:46 PM)
It's not a matter of forced responsibility. He cares about her and doesn't want her to be crushed by a worthless player. If society (bdsm as well as vanilla) had more mentors, there wouldn't be near as many players and wankers.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 1:26:01 PM)
I think there is more to the story than we both know. I do not think it as innocent as you think. Something isn't right about the whole thing. Yes he may care about her but shes an adult and what was she doing while he was becoming involved with another and becoming engaged? I am pretty sure she wasn't pacing in circles waiting for someone to help her make a decision. Just my opinion.

TallLord -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 2:12:25 PM)
Wow. I wasn't looking to cause trouble. In response the question of "what was she doing while I was off being engaged" she was in the States making mistakes and learning from them. But I also know that, when my little sister starts seeing a new guy, in the vanilla sense, I talk to her about him and am quick to arrange a meeting or a phone call. She doesn't have a big brother. I find it telling that most Dom(me)s are telling me to let her run around and get hurt again. Is there some sort of secret code that I didn't know of, one that requires Doms to conspire together to let subs get used. We--anybody, but I'm speaking now as someone who's done this as a Dom--lie. BDSM is a great place for easy sex, because female subs are taught that a big part of it is sex, and the community is spread thinly enough that most of the "getting to know you" is done online, and it's easy to lie in an email, in a chat, or on the phone. I know, because I've done it. And I know I'm not the only one whose done it. I was just wondering if anyone had ever tried anything similar, if we as Doms have any kind of mechanism for doing something like this, for filtering out un-serious Doms. Right now, I've just looked over the profiles on CM that she's liked and talked to her about my thoughts. Doms I thought, from their descriptions, matched her, Doms who seemed to be saying very little and were probably shady. My profile is pretty empty (if I don't mention it now, I feel like it's going to come back and burn me) but I'm also no longer looking. The Doms I see with empty profiles or "contact me and I'll tell you more," my gut response is that they're revealing little until she says "this is who I am, this is what I do" and then they'll tell her the lies they thinks she expects her to hear. Any other advice? I think what I should have done is posted asking subs how they filter out Doms who aren't serious.

RedSavageSlave -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 2:24:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BORAT In my country this happenings many time. After we are done sexy time with the sister, and are make marriage other womans, we are auction sister. But only to neighbor with color TV. Where the hell do you come up with this stuff??? [8D]

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 3:08:36 PM)
To the OP........I never thought you were looking to cause trouble. I can't understand why so many people think it's necessary to get hurt in order to learn. What does getting screwed over teach any woman except such a lack of trust that when the right dom does come along, he will be pushed away by the walls she has built? I've met many people like this.......men and women alike that have been hurt so badly that they refuse to let anyone get close to them. Being repeatedly hurt doesn't teach a lesson, it often causes significant damage to social skills.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 3:28:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TallLord Is there some sort of secret code that I didn't know of, one that requires Doms to conspire together to let subs get used. We don't LET people do anything- they are not ours to allow or disallow. In order for consent to have real meaning, it MUST come from within that person alone. If they cannot take full responsibility for their consent, then it becomes meaningless. You may think you are doing a kindness, but you are really presuming and taking far more away from her.

Emperor1956 -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 3:38:07 PM)
Boy does this question, and this thread, pose a lot of "stuff". Sort of like a verbal Rorschach in that you can assume all sorts of things from the replies even though the replies don't address the OP's question. And, like a Rorschach, the results are deeply flawed and of little value. But hey, that's what makes psychoanalysis so fun! So I have to give props to SmokingGun, who rightly points out that the posts are mostly gratuitious advice, and fail to address the question. If I were contacted by a Dominant seeking to hook Me up with his former submissive based on my profile, I'd be very wary, flattered, amused and curious. I'm a gambler, too, but I suspect my sense of "pot odds" differs from SmokingGun's, and I'd probably decline. Though if I were looking, I might want to chat with her a bit. As to the other stuff, I agree a bit with Voltare that this smacks of "rescuing" the girl. A bad habit of mine when I was a lot younger. And the OP's desire to find his "ex" someone new smacks a bit of assuaging guilt, too, whether he should feel guilty or not. And there was a bit of a nagging thought that this was the latest instalment of "Pimp my subbie". But all in all, I think the impulse is noble, and I'd say go ahead and see if you can help her find someone. Oh yah, and: quote: quote: OP: and who deserves to find happiness. (Or whatever passes for it in a sub.) KatyLied: I'm curious about what you mean by this comment. Do you think that subs are unhappy? I caught this one too. What's up with that? I'd like to know if the OP thinks being sub is inherently being sad? E.

dskittyn22 -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/14/2006 6:39:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TallLord We--anybody, but I'm speaking now as someone who's done this as a Dom--lie. BDSM is a great place for easy sex, because female subs are taught that a big part of it is sex, and the community is spread thinly enough that most of the "getting to know you" is done online, and it's easy to lie in an email, in a chat, or on the phone. I know, because I've done it. And I know I'm not the only one whose done it. Aaaaaand my little trusting heart is broken. Why'd you have to go and burst my bubble? This makes me a little sad, though I respect the "big brother" thing you're trying to do with your friend.

Celeste43 -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/15/2006 5:48:37 AM)
Plus you're missing the really important part. You could find her Mr Perfect Dom but unless she's done enough work on herself to match up with him, it won't work. She needs to know for herself, and not because you tell her, what she needs in a relationship and what she will not tolerate. She needs to learn to screen for it and how to keep such a relationship going. Or do you propose to move in with them and explain to him what she really meant is totally different than what she said. It's her responsibility to become a great and mature person who will appeal to a great and mature man. Because until she does, this presumably perfect dom for her will not think she's suitable for him.

eyesopened -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/15/2006 11:11:33 AM)
(i promised myself i wouldn't get involved) Introducing friends to friends happens all the time. You know a nice Dom, introduce your subbie friend to Him. Search for Doms to introduce her to??? i see no harm in it as long as you don't make it a crusade.

MasterDoc1 -> RE: Dom seeks Dom . . . for Matchmaking purposes, of course (12/15/2006 3:43:00 PM)
I agree that this is turning into a rorschach test of a sort. First of all I think the OP is perfectly fine in his desire to help the lady out. LA seems to think that any assistance the OP provides undermines his ex-subbies ultimate responsibility for self. I disagree entirely. There is a WIDE difference between SELECTING a new dom for her and assisting her with navigating the rocky road of doms, wanna-bes etc. etc. One is owning, the other is guiding. To the OP: there is no certain way for you to tell good dom from bad. All I can recommend is thnat you think back to the BS you used to pile on and look carefully for it (or smell it). Advise her on how to elicit information respectfully. And yes you may contact a potential dom for her. I suspect it would be very rare for a dom to rule the lady out because you made the initial contact. At MOST (except for maybe 2%) a dom would say: have the lady contact me directly; not interested in talking through you. And many would be flattered.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125