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Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 6:46:45 PM

VelvetVise13

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/15/2006
Status: offline

I know this may sound crazy - but it's a legitimate question.

My Master is amazing in his role - very loving, creative, firm. When he's focused on our relationship, he's totally focused. But there are times when he's a little obsessive/compulsive where he totally focuses on something else - a project, his motorycle, etc. He forgets about our lifestyle for weeks. Then he focuses again.

For those that are going to tell me to just say something to him, I've tried that numerous times. When he's not focused on this aspect of our life so we stay in neutral.

Is there any way to assist in keeping him focused a bit more steadily? I'm not trying to control him - I would like things to keep progressing though on a bit steadier basis!

~velvet vise~

Post #: 1

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 6:55:49 PM

Tamerofwild1s

Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline

have you tried getting into some of the things you say keeps him unfocused from your lifestyle . maybe in a tantalizing way ... it might bring him back to what is your desireing .... now I know a few are gonne step up with thats topping from the bottom . but not if its done in the right frame of mind . think on it for a bit

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to VelvetVise13)

Post #: 2

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:10:14 PM

Dauric

Posts: 254
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline

I'd agree with Tamer, get in to those things that he's interested in. Try to get involved in his motorcycle and/or other projects. Make yourself more a part of the rest of his life rather than limit yourself to just one area.

I'd also say that, while I don't know the specifics and I'm in no position to say with any authority, perhaps it's something you should accept as part of him. I'm not a motorgeek, but I have my own projects and activities that I'm interested in that have nothing to do with 'lifestyle'. They're part of who I am, and if I was to simply discard them tomorrow I'd be a completely different person, and not for the better. I'd say that that's probably true for most any master or mistress.

But as always that's my own $0.02,

Dauric.

(in reply to Tamerofwild1s)

Post #: 3

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:14:35 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Is he happy with the way things are progressing? Does he think there is a problem, or is it perfectly fine for him to focus from topic to topic. If it is the former and he wants to focus more on being a Master, you will need to ask him what things shift his focus back and how you can help him best. If it is the latter, then you will need to figure out a way to accept this is the way it is if you wish to continue serving him. I understand your reasons for seeking outside help, but none of us on a message board can possibly know what motivates him. It's different for everybody.

(in reply to VelvetVise13)

Post #: 4

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:16:28 PM

VelvetVise13

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/15/2006
Status: offline

Having similar interests isn't a problem -- when he isn't enhancing his Harley, then he's enhancing mine.

We love riding together, seeing films together, have the most fantastic in-depth discussions, laugh hysterically together. I can't ask for anything more and I know I am amazingly fortunate. He prefers me to hanging out with the boys, he doesn't hunt, fish or go to strip clubs.

There are just times when, after several weeks, you just WANT him to take control. But when he does slip back into that mode -- WOW!

But you are right - it's probably just him!

_____________________________

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming.. Wow! What a Ride!"

~velvet vise~

(in reply to Dauric)

Post #: 5

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:19:48 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

There can be lots of reasons for this OCD type behavior. I know when I'm very busy at work or I'm deep into a difficult project I'm much more interested in a sub being of service to help me through the challenge and very careful about play for fear of being too rough and breaking a toy.
Does he completely ignore you and focus or are there ways that you can help, serve, make yourself available?

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 6

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:23:46 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Don't this kinda sound a little like the converse of Jali's post the other day, ownie?
Curiously,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 7

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:26:27 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

So, what the fuck? You ain't got no neutral gear, someone gotta be up your ass every moment of the day?

Take a fuckin' break sport, there is no larger issue here.

Swear to god.............

The spanish inquisitor,
Bernado Gui

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to VelvetVise13)

Post #: 8

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:32:48 PM

BDSM05478

Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

Do you have no interests or activities independent of Him or things about Him that could equally entertain yourself? or aid in the growthof the relationship?

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 9

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:43:50 PM

VelvetVise13

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/15/2006
Status: offline

Do you have no interests or activities independent of Him or things about Him that could equally entertain yourself?

Bit of a challenge -- we've been together 10 years and work in the same segment of the entertainment industry. I can't say what segment I am in because if you knew my name and did a Google search, you'd have about 9 pages of matches. Suffice to say I'm very high profile. And because of that, I have interesting opportunities and advetnures presented to me often - and I extend the invite for him to join and 90% of the time he does so. I guess all things considered, it's a good thing we do get along as well as we do considering how much we share personally & professionally.

As for my personal interests that he doesn't partake in - fencing, archery, improving my French, etc. He likes gadgets and computer stuff.

_____________________________

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming.. Wow! What a Ride!"

~velvet vise~

(in reply to BDSM05478)

Post #: 10

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:52:17 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Don't this kinda sound a little like the converse of Jali's post the other day, ownie?
Curiously,
Ron

Why yes it kinda does, actually, only for longer durations.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 11

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 7:56:31 PM

BDSM05478

Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

Yes but you talked about growth, can you not learn something new about WIITWD with out him?

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 12

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 9:03:17 PM

Serenityy

Posts: 97
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VelvetVise13

I know this may sound crazy - but it's a legitimate question.

My Master is amazing in his role - very loving, creative, firm. When he's focused on our relationship, he's totally focused. But there are times when he's a little obsessive/compulsive where he totally focuses on something else - a project, his motorycle, etc. He forgets about our lifestyle for weeks. Then he focuses again.

For those that are going to tell me to just say something to him, I've tried that numerous times. When he's not focused on this aspect of our life so we stay in neutral.

Is there any way to assist in keeping him focused a bit more steadily? I'm not trying to control him - I would like things to keep progressing though on a bit steadier basis!

~velvet vise~

I am sorry, but maybe I am missing something important here, but I fail to see what the actual issue may be?

You say that he is amazing in his role? From this statement, I would have to assume that the two of you only role-play at the M/s dynamic?

Then you go on to say that he becomes interested in other things outside of this role? I take it that during this time his interest is not solely focused on you? And that is where you are having issues?

Call me ignorant but I always assumed that relationships had more to do with day to day living than they did with kink or role-play.

Others have suggested that you become interested in his hobbies outside of the role-play. That is very sound advice.

< Message edited by Serenityy -- 12/15/2006 9:04:47 PM >

(in reply to VelvetVise13)

Post #: 13

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 9:55:32 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

The good news is- he has a pattern. You recognize it, you can track it. That makes it so much easier to deal with.

The bad news is- it's not going to change.

But you CAN make little changes while it happens. I suggest carving out a half hour of "special us time" that remains golden except in absolute emergency cases. He has to agree to this, he has to WANT it for himself, he has to understand what it means to you. But if you can both agree and stand for that, then I bet the periods of his obsessions will be able to be just a quirky weird thing.

If he doesn't feel the need for this however, you may simply have to learn to distract yourself during that time and be grateful for the other time (because I doubt it's to the point where the relationship needs to end).

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Serenityy)

Post #: 14

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 9:58:28 PM

kyra

Posts: 30
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline

he's not doing what he should be...i'd forget about him and move on. why waste your life? then he might realize what he lost and take it more seriously

(in reply to VelvetVise13)

Post #: 15

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 10:11:13 PM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

velvet,

LA's pretty spot on. You know what to expect, but after 10 years, you know to expect it won't be changing anytime soon.

Some suggestions on a similar topic were offered here:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_723874/tm.htm

Outside of that, it might help you and your Dom to make an actual 'schedule' for play. I occasionally go through bouts of compulsion, and it reflects in my work, personal life, etc. By having a hard, set time to 'do' something, I'm much more likely to do it.

That means you could try to set 'Thursday' as dungeon night, or 8pm Sunday as 'Bondage' hour. By having set, clear times to get together (even if you have to plan ahead or reschedual - DON'T reschedual unless you absolutely must, as compulsives will subconsciously cancel the date permanently if they can) you help to give a bit of balance in the compulsives routine, something healthy and necessary to begin with.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to Serenityy)

Post #: 16

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 10:11:28 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

Y'know, maybe its just me, but when I read the OP I thought "Gee...its ALL ABOUT HER, isn't it?" But I thought, no, be fair, cut her some slack, maybe she's interested in a serious discussion even though I don't see an issue. Her Dom is "obsessive/compulsive" when he's not doting on her? But OK...

Then I read her profile, and gee...isn't it great to know SHE'S a great fuck, and VERY tight? Surely that tells me she's a deeply submissive person, because we all know its all about how tight a submissive is, isn't it?

THEN I read the second post...well, if ya missed it, lets take a look:

quote:

Having similar interests isn't a problem -- when he isn't enhancing his Harley, then he's enhancing mine.

We love riding together, seeing films together, have the most fantastic in-depth discussions, laugh hysterically together. I can't ask for anything more and I know I am amazingly fortunate. He prefers me to hanging out with the boys, he doesn't hunt, fish or go to strip clubs.

There are just times when, after several weeks, you just WANT him to take control. But when he does slip back into that mode -- WOW!

But you are right - it's probably just him!

And I see that its all about HER. AGAIN. He's fixing HER bike, And he's feeding HER ego, and HER HER HER. And gee....after several weeks this subjugated Dom just isn't taking control? But maybe my creepy crawly vibe is wrong because, gee...give a girl a break...but....and her THIRD post comes along.

OH, and if you didn't get it yet, SHE'S VERY IMPORTANT in her field, so much so that she has to hide her identity from us because we would INSTANTLY know who she is (and be struck deaf, dumb and blind by her radiance, no doubt). And her vibrant, exciting and so important life allows HER to offer him little bits of opportunity to make something of himself. Lucky guy because without her, he's basically last week's bacon rinds, y'know? And gee..."90% of the time" this more and more pussy whipped "Dom" actually does follow her around...BUT oh that 10% when its NOT all about HER? that sticks in her velvet vise.

I know, I know. I'm just harsh and difficult, but I see not one iota of a Dom/sub relationship here...at least where he's Dominant. I see an attention queen, a phony problem and someone who just is too full of herself.

but that's just me, isn't it?

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to VelvetVise13)

Post #: 17

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 10:17:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956
I know, I know. I'm just harsh and difficult, but I see not one iota of a Dom/sub relationship here...at least where he's Dominant. I see an attention queen, a phony problem and someone who just is too full of herself.

but that's just me, isn't it?

E.

I don't get that vibe at all. And considering how arrogant and self-centered I am, I usually pick up on it right off.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 18

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 10:27:24 PM

VelvetVise13

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/15/2006
Status: offline

LOL! Thanks for the lively feedback everyone.

Voltare & Lucky Albatross -- a special thank you to the 2 of you!

_____________________________

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming.. Wow! What a Ride!"

~velvet vise~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: Keeping a Master focused - 12/15/2006 10:29:58 PM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

ditto.

If anything, she sounds almost apologetic in posting the question. In fact, it sounded like she's apologizing for not being able to go into more detail about what she does, because it might explain her situation to us better (starved, tabloid reading rat bastards we are.)

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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