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Chaingang -> I was strapping on my Urim and Thummim while... (12/16/2006 5:08:47 AM)
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...watching this video:
"What Mormon Theology is Really All About"
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1231760586718929761&q=What+Mormon+Theology+is+Really+All+About
We produced a piece of animation to show you what Mormon Theology is really all about.
Mormonism teaches that trillions of planets scattered throughout the cosmos are ruled by countless gods who once were human like us. They say that long ago on one of these planets, to an unidentified god and one of his goddess wives, a spirit child named Elohim was conceived. This spirit child was later born to human parents who gave him a physical body. Through obedience to Mormon teaching in death and resurrection, he proved himself worthy and was elevated to godhood as his father before him.
Mormons believe that Elohim is their heavenly father and he lives with his many goddess wives on a planet near a mysterious star called Kora. Here the god of Mormonism and his wives through endless celestial sex produce billions of spirit children. To decide their destiny, the head of the Mormon gods called a great heavenly consul meeting. Both of Elohim's eldest sons were there, Lucifer and his brother Jesus. A plan was presented to build planet earth where the spirit children would be sent to take on mortal bodies and learn good from evil
Lucifer stood and made his bid for becoming savior of this new world. Wanting the glory for himself. He planned to force every one to become Gods
Opposing the idea, the Mormon Jesus suggested giving man his freedom of choice as on other planets
The vote that followed approved the proposal of the Mormon Jesus who had become savior of the planet earth
Enraged, Lucifer cunningly convinced one third of the spirits destined for earth to fight with him and revolt. Thus Lucifer became the devil and his followers the demons. Sent to this world they would forever be denied bodies with flesh and bone. Those who remained neutral in the battle were cursed to be borne with black skin. This is the Mormon explanation for the Negro race.
The spirits who fought most valiantly against Lucifer would be born into Mormon families on planet earth.
These will be the lighter skinned people or white and delight-some as the book of Mormon describes him.
Early Mormon profits taught that Elohim and one of his goddess wives came to earth as Adam and eve to start the human race.
Thousands of years later, Elohim in human form once again journeyed to earth from the star base Kora. This time to have sex with the Virgin Mary in order to provide Jesus with a physical body. After Jesus Christ grew to manhood, he took at least three wives, Mary, Martha, And Mary Magdalene. Through these wives, the Mormon Jesus, for whom Joseph Smith claims direct decent, supposedly fathered a number of children before he was crucified.
According to the book of Mormon, after his resurrection. Jesus came to the Americas to preach to the Indians whom the Mormons believe are really Israelites.
Thus the Jesus of Mormonism established his church in the Americas as he had in Palestine.
By the year 1421AD, the dark skinned Indian Israelites known as Laymanites had destroyed all of the white Nephites in a number of great battles.
The Nephites records were supposedly written on Golden Plates and buried by Moroni the last living Nephite in the hill, Kamora.
1400 years later, a young treasure seeker named Joseph Smith who was known for his tall tales claimed to have uncovered these same gold plates near his home in upstate New York
He is now honored by Mormons as a profit because he claimed to have had visions from the spirit world in which he was commanded to organize the Mormon Church because all Christian creeds were an abomination.
It was Joseph Smith who originated most of these peculiar doctrines which millions today believe to be true
By maintaining a rigid code of financial and moral requirements and through performing sacred temple rituals for themselves and the dead, the later day saints hope to prove their worthiness and thus become gods.
The Mormons teach that everyone must stand at the final judgment before Joseph Smith, the Mormon Jesus and Elohim.
Those Mormons who are sealed in the eternal marriage ceremony expect to become polygamist gods in the celestial kingdom, rule over other planets and spawn new families throughout eternity
Those Mormons thank god for Joseph Smith who claimed he done more for us than any other man including Jesus Christ.
The Mormons believe that he died as a martyr, shed his blood for us so that we too may become gods.
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...and I practically woke up the whole house with my laughter. Holy crap, but this is some funny shit!!!
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