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asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/19/2005 3:20:55 PM   
pandoravampire


Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline 		i have a issue thats arisen in our relationship. I was a switch, and enjoy the other side of things. Im now in a D/s relationship that is very loving and one i want to keep, forever.

My D has asked that i tie him up so that he can experience what i do, also to play whilst he's tied with him. He says that in no way is he telling me to top him, or dominate him, that he will remain my D thoughout. This has caused me some concern.
Ive never had a D before. I love the dynamic of our relationship, it is that very dynamic that works for me, allows me to submit where ive never done before.
1. Seeing him tied up will not be very dom. He will 'look' submissive to me. This would be a turn off for me. I dont want to top him, ever!

2. I do get aroused seeing a man in bondage, my porn reflects that. I do not want to switch, i fear that i may in this circumstance. Its taken 4 months of training to get me where i am now, i really dont want to lose what we have achieved.

We do not play publicly, or with others, so unless i provide whatever it is he's seeking, he's not getting it.

On the one hand, i think it would be great if i could give him as much pleasure as he does me in that situation. On the other, what do i do if he really enjoys it? What would that do to our D/s dynamic?
Im not sure when this is going to occur, but it will be soon. I do not top from the bottom (anymore lol) i am honoured that he trusts me sufficiently to try this, but id prefer he go elsewhere and get that need met. Not to me. But then-wouldnt tolerate anything other than monogamy, so he cant.

My submission is about doing what i can to please him, so this sorta fits in. But sexually, as a sub, i see myself having things done to me, not doing things to him. Im not sure i can get my head round this one. Yet im obviously expected to obey.
I even experience difficulty when im told 'do all that you can to please me sexually', i just kinda freeze at that instruction. I come shooting back out of subspace when those words are spoken, and not in a nice way. I just freeze on the spot. My mind goes completely blank and simply cannot think, or thats how it feels. Often he has to stop me, and change direction as im so obviously finding it a struggle. Its like im some virgin with not even vanilla experience to offer him. I feel ive failed him at these times, and always left after these sessions sadder than when i go into them.

Does anyone else have experience of this?
What did you do to your D?
How did it affect your D/s dynamic if at all?
Was it a one off, or did you get told to repeat it?

Any help would be appreciated from anyside of the fence. Ive posted it here and not the ask a switch, because i do not feel that i am a switch now, im a submissive. i dont know where those needs have gone, but for now they are, and im loving it submitting to Him.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/19/2005 3:33:11 PM   
velvetvixen


Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline 		pandora,

I can understand your feelings-- If I ever saw Master tied up I would be all crazy freaked out too. However, here is my astrisk ***

If Master told me to tie him up and directed me through the entire scene very directly and sternly, and punished me immediately if I didn't do whatever it was that he asked with precision, I could do it. Master can bite like nobody's business, so even if his hands were tied it would all be ok. The burden is on Him to control the scene as the Dominant.

I think this would be a good excercise for you as a switch to do something you did as a top and now do it as a bottom.

I am curious to find out how this works out.

(in reply to pandoravampire)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/19/2005 4:50:27 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		My first dom had me cuff him to the door one day, give him bj (which wasn't a problem) and then he turned around and asked me to whip him with the riding crop, which i couldn't do, it just wasn't in me.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to pandoravampire)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/19/2005 5:32:51 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I guess my one piece of advice to remember is that we all have differenct aspects. You were a switch- you know that being both doesn't make you any less effective on either side (at least intellectually). Try understanding that so far as to let him experience what he wants.

Also, relationships with other people do NOT have to mean anything to your relationship with him. They can be totally independent. People are that complex and multi-faceted.

It IS a scary step, and I can understand your worries. But more, just let him experience what he feels is best for himself, be sure to let him know what your true feelings are without judging him for them, and be secure in what you have.

(in reply to pandoravampire)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/19/2005 8:34:03 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		If he is ordering you to do it and you do. Are you not submitting to his wishes as it should be?

By obeying someone within the scene doesn't always mean you are the one being played with.

Myself, I like men who will allow things to be tried on them first. I have issue being the one to actually do it to my Dom just as you are having issues.
What would you rather happen though. Your punishment or obeying him?

(in reply to pandoravampire)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/19/2005 11:34:46 PM   
JohnnyBoi


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		I'm new to the scene, so take this with a grain of salt. My advice would just be to wait and see if one or both of you feels differently in a few months. Maybe you'll be ready for a change?

Also, I'd like to say that VelventVixen's suggestion sounds like it could be pretty hot. I have this image of tragic lovers, where the two have to commit suicide for some reason. (hey, its a tragic romance.) And the man says he wants to die by her hand, so she kills him with a sword, sobbing the whole time. Substitue whips and pain for swords and death and you might be able to put together a nice scene.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/20/2005 4:53:01 AM   
NoPinkBalloons


Posts: 125
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pandoravampire

My D has asked that i tie him up so that he can experience what i do, also to play whilst he's tied with him. He says that in no way is he telling me to top him, or dominate him, that he will remain my D thoughout. This has caused me some concern.


Semantics, maybe, but it seems to me that he IS telling you to top him. Nothing wrong with that, of course. Dominance and masochism are not mutually exclusive. In fact, my preferred partners have both these traits (along with a healthy dose of sadism).

quote:


1. Seeing him tied up will not be very dom. He will 'look' submissive to me. This would be a turn off for me. I dont want to top him, ever!


If you associate being tied up with being submissive, then that could run you into problems. As someone else suggested, if he's very directive and there were consequences for you not performing, perhaps that would help. As for it being a turn off...well, I don't know anyone who finds doing the dishes to be a turn on, or mowing the lawn, etc, but they do it because that's what they've been told to do.

If it's a really hard limit for you, then you need to tell him that. If it's something that you think will permanently alter how you see him, then you need to tell him that too, and let him decide how to approach it from there.

Another option would be to pay for a session with a prodomme, making it very clear to her what he was looking for, and perhaps even bringing you along to watch. Pro's dont (for the most part) include sex in a session.

quote:


On the one hand, i think it would be great if i could give him as much pleasure as he does me in that situation. On the other, what do i do if he really enjoys it? What would that do to our D/s dynamic?


Try to separate masochism and submission in your mind. If he enjoys it, then consider it another service that you perform for him. If it's something he *needs* and you can't provide it, consider bringing someone else into the relationship that can give him that. Being tied up doesn't have to include anything sexual, so it doesn't have to interfere with your monogamy agreement.



quote:


My submission is about doing what i can to please him, so this sorta fits in. But sexually, as a sub, i see myself having things done to me, not doing things to him. Im not sure i can get my head round this one. Yet im obviously expected to obey.
I even experience difficulty when im told 'do all that you can to please me sexually', i just kinda freeze at that instruction. I come shooting back out of subspace when those words are spoken, and not in a nice way. I just freeze on the spot. My mind goes completely blank and simply cannot think, or thats how it feels. Often he has to stop me, and change direction as im so obviously finding it a struggle. Its like im some virgin with not even vanilla experience to offer him. I feel ive failed him at these times, and always left after these sessions sadder than when i go into them.


Ah, the lazy life of a bottom :) Being *done* is one of the perks, isn't it? But why should he have to do all the work - both physically and mentally/creatively? Aren't you supposed to be serving him?

I don't know how new this relationship is, but maybe you're just not confident yet about what really does float his boat. Talk to him about it, have him point out stories that make him hot (literotica.com has a huge variety of erotic stories from all kinds of perspectives), see what really piques his interest when you're watching porn together. It sounds like you're probably just not very confident about HOW to best push his buttons, so make sure he knows that and makes the feedback positive (save the constructive criticism for another time).

quote:


Ive posted it here and not the ask a switch, because i do not feel that i am a switch now, im a submissive. i dont know where those needs have gone, but for now they are, and im loving it submitting to Him.


For most people, which side of the whip handle you're on is often dependent on the energy between the partners. Just because you're submissive *with him* doesn't mean you won't have dominant urges again with someone who gives off that kind of energy. I've found it's rare for people to actually switch with one partner. Most have some people they get one set of needs met with and others who feed the opposite needs.

Anyway....it seems to me that the biggest thing you need to get your head around is separating masochism and submission. If he continues to be strong and directive while you're tying him up, etc, then perhaps you can get past that.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

(in reply to pandoravampire)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/20/2005 6:58:17 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I can certainly understand your feelings on this. There was a time when I was curious what it would be like to Top. One night with my ex Sir He surprised me by telling me He wanted me to have that experience. He allowed me to put the cuffs on Him and make my attempt at Topping. Wow, what a huge mistake that was!

I was not very effective as throughout the scene, every time I swatted Him I said "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, are you ok?". Then there was all of the intense giggling. Not very effective! It felt as though I were trying to wear someone else's shoes. The scene ended in an emotional breakdown of sorts on my part. I was suddenly overcome by the image of my Dominant in a position of submission and it was more than I could bear.

Although He was very reassuring I was left with feelings of guilt for some time(actually when I think of it, it still makes me feel icky). What it did for me was reinforce my position as a submissive and make me realize that I am not meant for topping or switching. Not an experience I have any desire to repeat. If Sir was to ask me to do this(not that I think there is even the slightest possibility of that), I would ask to express to Him how I felt on this. I don't think I could do this again.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to pandoravampire)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/21/2005 10:17:22 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pandoravampire
On the one hand, i think it would be great if i could give him as much pleasure as he does me in that situation.

My submission is about doing what i can to please him, so this sorta fits in. But sexually, as a sub, i see myself having things done to me, not doing things to him. Im not sure i can get my head round this one. Yet im obviously expected to obey.
I even experience difficulty when im told 'do all that you can to please me sexually', i just kinda freeze at that instruction. I come shooting back out of subspace when those words are spoken, and not in a nice way. I just freeze on the spot. My mind goes completely blank and simply cannot think, or thats how it feels. Often he has to stop me, and change direction as im so obviously finding it a struggle. Its like im some virgin with not even vanilla experience to offer him. I feel ive failed him at these times, and always left after these sessions sadder than when i go into them.

Does anyone else have experience of this?
What did you do to your D?
How did it affect your D/s dynamic if at all?
Was it a one off, or did you get told to repeat it?

Any help would be appreciated from anyside of the fence. Ive posted it here and not the ask a switch, because i do not feel that i am a switch now, im a submissive. i dont know where those needs have gone, but for now they are, and im loving it submitting to Him.


personally, i have issues with this.
maybe because its because of who i am...i am not like you.
my gift is for Him and Him only. it is never about me.
i read a profile not long ago that i simply did not understand and wrote the sub asking why she demanded so much and wanted so much of her Dom and asked she help me understand her gift.
she did. it really opened my eyes!
i would do anything my Master asked of me, yes anything, for it is HIS pleasure that i surrender to. i require NOTHING in giving but His pleasure, His joy, His needs. i recieve only in giving that which is required of me.
i have been with Doms who wanted to please me, bind me and give to me the ultimate joy of surrender as they played with my body and my surrender but when they realized i needed nothing but to please them thoroughly, they knew i had not the gift for them.

your obedience comes with your submission, not in what is required of you.
if he asks you to bind him, spank him, pleasure every skin cell, every corner of his spirit... doing as you wish with every inch of his body ...then do so for that is his command. it is your spirit, your attitude of total surrender he desires, not the resons he seeks you to do this.
worship at his alter of sexual desires and allow yourself the freedom of pleasing him ... ultimately you are free of tension and totally bound in your service to him.

you have NO power or control of which he does NOT allow you to have...that is the erotic or total power exchange needed in the relationship between a Dom and his sub.

this is silly of me, but i am crying as i write this. it is such a powerful thing ...to give and give only becasue he desires it and for no other reason.

shy


_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to pandoravampire)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/21/2005 10:24:21 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnnyBoi

I'm new to the scene, so take this with a grain of salt. My advice would just be to wait and see if one or both of you feels differently in a few months. Maybe you'll be ready for a change?



oh dear boi, this would be disobedience to say "wait Master, maybe another time."
desires only grow with time and to deliberately put them off for the one you obey is wrong. it would be tantamount to defiance, willfully disobeying for your own reasons.
not good.
just my thoughts.
shy



_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to JohnnyBoi)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/21/2005 10:38:49 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline 		NoPinkBalloons said:
Ah, the lazy life of a bottom :) Being *done* is one of the perks, isn't it? But why should he have to do all the work - both physically and mentally/creatively? Aren't you supposed to be serving him?

as i tried to explain already.... my gift is in not "being done."
it is in doing for Him as demanded, as required for His pleasure.

maybe therein lies the main difference between a submissive and a slave?

Mistress DREAD wrote:
" . . .it is there
being and desires that will
always complete you and yours....."

i am completed in Him when i am doing for Him and not when "being done."
the perks for me? the look in His deep peircing blue eyes as i look into His from my position and He contentedly assures me "shy, you please me so."

shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to NoPinkBalloons)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/22/2005 7:58:13 PM   
conflicted


Posts: 140
Joined: 10/31/2004
Status: offline 		my Master allowed me to whip Him as a reward. i felt very uncomfortable with the idea and even more worried that i might hurt Him as i have no experience weilding anything!

However, i was told if i did not accept my reward, and do exactly as i was told, there would be a greater punishment for me.

i do not look at Him any different, it was a reward and perhaps a task/test all rolled into one. It was as He wished, and one of my jobs is to do whatever He wishes, whenever He wishes.

n

(in reply to slavedesires)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/22/2005 8:48:45 PM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		If you are uncomfortable talk to him and let him know your fears.Chances are that he will be able to calm your fears,and you both may enjoy it very much. i know it seems scary but it can truely be learning experience!!!

(in reply to pandoravampire)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/23/2005 5:30:28 PM   
pandoravampire


Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline 		The play took place, i did not enjoy it, felt awkward, it did nothing but turn me off, i had the same 'freeze' moments i anticipated, the whole thing was crap crap crap. It clearly did nothing for him either Im glad to get it over with and hope it never returns.

I did not feel any form of wanting to top him, nor did i feel i was any good at pleasuring him, just shit really. Sadder than when i went in - again.

I will ask that he read this as a prelude to the discussion that is clearly needed.

The comment of not knowing what it is that pushes his buttons is very insightful. This is need to think hard on. Thankyou pinkballoons.

Separating submission from masochism? blimey, im not sure if either of us is maso in the first place, well perhaps me, not him though, although, maybe. God its all a bit of a mess aint it? lol

Slavedesires: i envy your clarity. I too welled up in the beauty of your response. To have that depth of knowledge of yourself and the true altruism of slave mentality, would i believe bring me peace indeed. I am not however wired that way. I am here for me, not him. It is my needs that are being addressed in my submission to him. That this is the man that i love, brings any service side to the fore, not my submission. Outside of the bedroom, submission is a difficult thing for me. It has no place in my everyday life. I am a alpha female, im assertive, not submissive in any way. I manage others, mother children, im completely independant in life financially. My emotional, spiritual and sexual needs are what are fed by my Dom. Wonderfully. That in turn, makes me want to submit more. Take the sex outta the equation, and the D/s aint going to work for me. We are each unique in our wirings i guess.

Thankfully the damage from this scene for me was undone with other scenes of a more mutually beneficial nature after.

Thankyou all for your assistance. Now i must go speak to Him about it, and find a way forward that suits us.

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: asking for help as a sub in a D/s - 2/24/2005 7:55:23 PM   
MidnightWriter


Posts: 131
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		I probably shouldn't; I'm a dom, here to check on another thread, and this one caught my eye. However, "probably shouldn't" never had much control over me....

Do keep in mind that "top" and "dom" are not synonyms. I know of several dominant bottoms - they like receiving painplay, and they really like being in charge of everything when they do. If your dom wants to be bound and beat, is he not still in charge when his wishes are fulfilled?

Switching may not be *your* kink - but I believe that giving your dom what they want may be your kink.

_____________________________

Power corrupts. Absolute power ... is really pretty nifty.

TIES - pansexual BDSM social group in MN, USA - http://www.ties-bdsm.org

(in reply to pandoravampire)
Profile   Post #: 15
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