Uh Oh!...What would you do? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

mistoferin -> Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:08:27 AM)

A friend is in a fairly new relationship (6 months) with "the man of her dreams". She's been telling me how unbelievably happy she is. I met the guy a few times and indeed he seems like a pretty great guy.

All was wonderful until one day she got sick at work and came home early. When she walked in, there was her new Dom dressed in a skirt, fishnet stockings, heels and makeup. It was not something that he had shared with her and she was quite shocked by it.

She called and we had a long talk. She was worried that it meant he was gay. She wasn't sure if she could handle this "kink" and it made her view him in a different light. I told her that they needed to sit down and communicate with each other.

Well, ultimately she has decided that she can't deal with it. I don't knock her for that, I honestly don't think I could either. Not that I think that there is anything wrong with crossdressing, it's just not something that I could get comfortable with in my Dominant partner. She said she feels like she can no longer see him as the strong, masculine man who she could go to when she needed to. For her, the issue is big enough that she has decided to end the relationship.

Now for the part of her story that I have an issue with...

She has decided that she is not going to tell him that she is going to leave. She is going to pretend all is okay until she can get herself set up in another relationship. Yes...she is going to cheat. This seems to be a pattern of hers and something she does whenever a relationship is ending. I asked her about it and she said that it's not really cheating because technically the relationship is over whether he knows it or not. Then she said...."It's what SMART women do! SMART women don't leave themselves out in the cold with nowhere to go...they bide their time and get themselves set up".

Well, that led to a fairly heated conversation between us. I told her that I can't agree with that and that I won't support her in deceit. We are very good friends and she does understand where I am coming from and respects that....but says she "has to do what she has to do".

So...the question is...What would you do if you found out that your Dom was not exactly what you thought?

and....When ending a relationship, do you think it's smart to set yourself up in the next one before you end the one you're in?




Silvermoon -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:13:18 AM)

What goes around, comes around I suppose. Sounds like neither was ready for a relationship. Her, moreso.

We wonder why it's so hard to find a relationship...*shakes head and walks away disgusted*




KatyLied -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:15:10 AM)

Smart women learn to take care of themselves. 
She should be honest with him.  And she should also figure out why she is so dependent on having a man in her life at all times.



mistoferin -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:23:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Smart women learn to take care of themselves. 
She should be honest with him.  And she should also figure out why she is so dependent on having a man in her life at all times.



See Katy...she is of the thought that his "lie of omission" justifies her deceit now. I don't agree. And you're right...she does need to figure that out. She is an educated woman who really could do quite well for herself, but for some reason or another she can not function without having a man. If she goes for more than a week without having some man, any man giving her attention she gets very depressed. I think that she goes in and out of these things so fast that she really has no idea what she wants in a man. Every one of them is "the man of her dreams". My advice to her was to take some time and live alone and forget men until she can do some real soul searching and discover who she is and what she wants. Of course....her response was "No way...I'm not meant to live alone".



CreativeDominant -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:25:08 AM)

Being a dominant, I cannot answer about what I would do were I to find out my dominant isn't what I thought her to be...just as an aside, I'd be curious to see what kind of situation you could come up with with a female submissive as the partner walked in on by the male dominant, mist.

As for setting yourself up in the next situation before ending the current one...I don't think it is right.  I did it and, looking back, I don't think I was right.  I was afraid and wanted to have someone to fill the gap that I knew was coming after so many years of being with someone and having unmentionables around and family and etc., etc., etc.  Even with all that, it still didn't make it right.

In the specific case of your 'friend', I think the same thing.  And in all honesty, her comment that "its what smart women do" tends to reinforce the notion that some (NOT all) women are only interested in a man as long as the man meets their high ideals and that, despite their proclamations of "the love of my life...the man", they are less able to "feel deeply" than what they accuse all men of being capable of.



stef -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:32:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Of course....her response was "No way...I'm not meant to live alone".

Funny, but I was thinking just the opposite.  If I were in your shoes, I would disclose what I knew of the situation to him and re-evaluate if I wanted to continue to be good friends with someone like her.

~stef



toservez -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:35:32 AM)

This unfortunately is a very common reason that some people cheat and it is a shame. Too many people have no ability or desire to be alone for even one day. So some stay in bad situations forever and others stay with someone and cheat until they have something firm lined up.

It is unfortunate and all parties involved can get screwed over. For the lady after all, what type of pool does she have to really pick from that the quality of the man who would be with a woman that would do that? Sounds like another person who is always looking for the magic pill. This person will make me happy and never bothers to look inward first.

The other question about if my Master was not exactly as I thought is of course subjective and depends on what that would be. If it was an issue that any sane person thought should be out in the open and damages trust then it would be difficult to get over. If it is something that does not necessarily affect the relationship or trust factor I would like to think I could work through it. Discovering my Master is a secret cross dresser, wow, I really could not answer that.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:37:22 AM)

What I TEND to do is just let the relationship die.  We might have a few discussions about things first, but as always the energy simply takes it where it will and things get distanced.

I've cheated in the past, I know exactly the mindset she's talked about.  While I never consciously CHOSE to stay in a relationship I knew was over, find someone else, cheat and then transition into that relationship, that is pretty much how it happened a few times. 

It's not smart or not smart to get into a relationship before you end another, or use one relationship partly to help heal from another- sometimes I think it does happen. The not smart thing is not being open and honest with everyone about it.

But, as you noted, this is her pattern, and she's new into "all this"- her behavior is pretty standard.  She'll either knock herself out of it or keep it going and never be settled and happy.

And I love the irony of what caused this to begin with is exactly what she's choosing to do now.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:45:05 AM)

Erin
 
thank you for your post....lately i have been wondering if i have the ability to love....to really love...to love completely and fearlessly and with abandon.
 
i realized in reading you post what i would do, if i really liked the guy, i would talk, i would hash things out, its not that i would not feel scared, i would, because of the secret part of him that i did not know and that i am not familiar with, but i would want to connect mentally and feel around and see what i thought instead of running away.
 
i am proud of myself for having that as my first response to me it shows a strength in character that i think i doubt sometimes.
 
running away is lame, cheating is lame...this shows me a person with dreadfully self destructive tendency's and life strategy's.
 
she can only see herself, she only thinks of her self, she does not know how to give, to share, to love.
 
harsh assessment yes, but her actions show a emotional disconnect, and a heightened almost paranoid level of self preservation that i dont see as healthy,.
 
ok so that is her, and i dont see that situation shifting...this guy is going to get hurt....
 
but what about you? you say she is a friend...but i warn you ....when the chips are down you would get thrown under the bus...she is not a "thick or thin" sort of person...she is demonstrating a very thin moral character.
 
some one said this to me, and i have taken it on...."your net-work is your net-worth"....it basically means the people you choose to spend time with really influence who you are in the world...it not just a cute saying for me, i have recently released some one who i thought was my best friend, and in releasing her i have also released the money she owes me....both hurt still.
 
but her character was not what i want to be around, and as soon as she left some incredible people showed up in my life...almost over night.
 
just something to think about.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:53:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So...the question is...What would you do if you found out that your Dom was not exactly what you thought?

What I'd like to say is: If I found out something about my partner, I'd sit and have a conversation. If I felt betrayed enough or if it was something that I couldn't accept, it'd end the relationship, but I'd still talk to them. However, in the not-so-distant past when I felt truly, truly betrayed in a relationship (with a close friend), I ended any and all contact cold. I'm not proud that I did that, but I just couldn't get past it. What I hope is that I've learned from my mistake. For the record, I wouldn't start the friendship up again even if we could smooth everything over. They're toxic for me.

quote:

and....When ending a relationship, do you think it's smart to set yourself up in the next one before you end the one you're in?

This one, I know the answer to: No. I sold myself for financial stability in my last marriage. To hop from one relationship to another is just me selling myself out again and again. I'm worth more.

Master Fire



justheather -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:55:11 AM)

There are so many things wrong with the approach of "setting oneself up for the next relationship" before leaving, but the one point that I cant seem to get out of my head is....What kind of relationship is she going to be leaving to when she's "shopping" under that kind of pressure? She's setting herself up for a pattern of not getting what she wants from life.

The sad thing is, someone who approaches relationships with this sort of mentality probably has a long long way to go before they are ever psychologically and spiritually ready to do the work it takes to figure out what you really want in life and encounter a new relationship as anything but a means to her own personal security.

What ethical people do is they take a deep breath, they look the person in the eye, they tell them their choice and they deal with the fallout. What enlightened, ethical people do is all of the above and they thank the universe for the opportunity to grow.

Im glad you told this person how you feel about her choice.


As for the Dom:

The particular penchant he has been discovered with is something that is enrobed, double-wrapped and air-tight sealed in a lot of shame and guilt. I can understand a person hiding it. And just like in the above situation, I think that he is responsible for the fallout of his keeping a secret.
On the other hand, I would like to believe that if I found myself in that situation, I would look at my partner with the same love I feel for him today and approach him with openness and acceptance. If I had some not-so-great feelings to process, I hope that I would be able to do that while being respectful of his feelings and needs. And I would do my best to work it out and save the relationship.
That's what people who are committed to a relationship do.



mistoferin -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 7:57:21 AM)

I have to say that in our friendship, this is the only area that she and I ever disagree upon. We have known each other many years, have worked together and our children are the same age and went to school together. She is a very intelligent woman when it comes to business matters and is very successful that way. She was always an excellent mother and this "men jumping thing" didn't really begin until after her kids were out on their own. It's almost like she devoted so much of herself to making a good life for her kids and the moment they left home she decided it was time for her to live....but somewhere in all those years she lost her "emotion" for lack of a better way to put it. She has always been a hard driving career woman and it seems like she now treats her relationships like they are business arrangements.



LotusSong -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 8:20:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So...the question is...What would you do if you found out that your Dom was not exactly what you thought?


.. leave
quote:


and....When ending a relationship, do you think it's smart to set yourself up in the next one before you end the one you're in?


... guys do it all the time.



BeingChewsie -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 8:29:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So...the question is...What would you do if you found out that your Dom was not exactly what you thought?


.. leave
quote:


and....When ending a relationship, do you think it's smart to set yourself up in the next one before you end the one you're in?


... guys do it all the time.



I agree given the scenario..not exactly what I thought is way different than wears make-up and women's clothes. I like nothing feminine in a man.

I agree men shop for a replacement before getting out all the time. I see this in my owner's friends constantly, these are men in their 30's, 40's and 50's too.

I would end the relationship but I would be looking for a new one immediately. I'm not much of a griever, don't chase, replace, then erase. When it is over, it is over.  I'm not against being alone but if I didn't have to be I wouldn't wish to be.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 8:33:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
She has always been a hard driving career woman and it seems like she now treats her relationships like they are business arrangements.

She might very well be. If this is about who will provide for her either financially or emotionally, she is probably willing to trade her love, devotion, etc. in exchange for some kind of security (I'm guessing emotional).

Sometimes, being aware that of our actions is all that we can do for ourselves. Getting past fear is hard. It's much easier to cross the pond if you know your next step is at least firm enough to hold you until you have to take the other one. Doesn't mean that it's morally right, but, it might help you understand your friend. If you want to argue with her, then come at it from a business standpoint...just because you can make a specifc business deal doesn't make it morally right. Case in point: It's a business to put out hits on people...but it's not right to murder people.

Of course you know that you can disapprove of her but still accept and love her.

Master Fire



MagiksSlave -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 8:36:02 AM)

Because she doesnt want to be alone she see's that it is ok to hurt a man that a few days (or however long) ago said was the man of her dreams??

Magik's slave



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 8:37:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
and....When ending a relationship, do you think it's smart to set yourself up in the next one before you end the one you're in?
... guys do it all the time.


Perhaps, but this is really proper or moral justification for others to do it. Rape, murder, theft, etc. etc. happen all the time, too. Doesn't mean we should do it.

Master Fire



domiguy -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 8:48:37 AM)

Another post about cheaters and liars...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Lets spice it up...she comes early...he isn't a cross dresser...he was banging her dog....She is enraged! No... Actually jealous!

She told her boyfriend that she loved peanut butter, but in actuality the ten jars are kept around because it was the only way she could entice "fido" to go down on her.  She is torn...does she start a poly relationship with her boyfriend, man's best friend and herself? Or does she secretly haunt the local dog pound until she finds a replacement pooch...and then send her hairy companion and boyfriend packing?

What's a girl to do?

In either scenario I could care less... Deception.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.



onestandingstill -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 8:55:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistering


So...the question is...What would you do if you found out that your Dom was not exactly what you thought?

and....When ending a relationship, do you think it's smart to set yourself up in the next one before you end the one you're in?



Hi There,
What I did when I knew I could no longer stay was beg my release, tell him why, and we discussed I'd sleep in the spare room till I could find alternate accommodations.
I then found something to rent on my own and moved out in a week.

I'm a firm believer in ending one relationship, getting back on my own solid two feet, then proceeding into something new when it presents itself after I'm over the one I left enough to feel whole again.

I think for one thing to re-establish your own preferences, your own patterns in your social life and confidence in yourself to be able to stand on your own two feet is important to being emotionally ready to move on.

It seems if you run from one man TKO of you to another you not only carry baggage from your last situation with you, but make yourself doubt your abilities to be independent and self sufficient.
I think it also leaves you open to a higher risk of a predator being the next one you get into a relationship with.

I would also not feel good running around behind my live in significant other's back.
That would greatly affect my self view and self esteem to be doing things in the dark and in secret.
I'd be very ashamed of myself and uncomfortable with all the lies I'd have to say to cover my time.
I'd also concern myself with the Karma I create as I believe what you do to others comes back to you in some form.

In my opinion it's a lose/ lose situation & I'd avoid it if at all humanly possible if she wants her next relationship to be a healthy one emotionally.

For you and your friendship with her, I'd say if you've lost respect move on, if you want to be her friend any way state you opinion and then leave it alone.
Droning on and on to someone who's not accepting your view accomplishes nothing other than making you both miserable.
I would think you should say how you feel and what your specific concerns and opinions are once and she'll not forget what you said even if she does not heed your advice.
suzanne



Missokyst -> RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? (12/19/2006 9:05:01 AM)

UGH!  I have known all too many women like this. 
I am not sure if I could deal with a cross dressing mate, but I would hope I could be honest enough to let him know. 
There is no way I would deceive him about it while I set up another contender.
YUCK. 
I have a niece like that.  She is 40 now and has been married 5 times and has 7 kids.  The next guy was always in the sidelines until she was ready to make her move.
I find it very distasteful.
ICK.
Kyst



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
4.296875E-02