RE: D/s outside the bedroom

RE: D/s outside the bedroom (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 5:58:49 AM)
This is a good thread for me to read, and I appreciate someone introducing the topic. I guess I took for granted that most people practiced this in their daily lives, not just inside the bedroom. That was probably a mistake on my part, as there are probably many who just do this as a "bedroom activity", or when having sex. I guess in my previous D/s relationship, it was mostly in the bedroom (but I always thought that was because we didn't live together, except for a few weeks toward the end of our relationship. Otherwise it was off and on, as far as seeing eachother all the time). Actually his personality was pretty Dominant all the time, in or out of the bedroom. Not that the past necessarily rules the future, I guess I assumed it was how most people started out (but I guess not). And "easing into it" also makes sense to me, too - sort of, as people are getting to know eachother I suppose, maybe (someone mentioned that's how some submissives and Dominants start out - just practicing D/s part-time, or something, in a relationship). Personally, if this situation occurred, I'd want to work up to having D/s permeate my relationship in all of its permutations (know what I mean?) not just in the bedroom. That is not "topping from the bottom", is it? (merely saying that?) I mean, not if the other person gets to say what they have a say over, and to what degree - (know what I mean)? People want what they want (they sometimes can't help it). I don't consider it odd. It's a real, true need. - Susan

thetammyjo -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 6:04:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akbarbarian How many people have successfully had this for over a year? It has been a problem in the past in relationships I've had, where I want I want that same unilateral control in all parts of our life. It's met with varying degrees of success, and some people seem to rail against being told what to do outside the bedroom while loving it inside (or wherever the sexual situation occurs). Do some people want this, and when they actually have it, can they handle it happily ready for more? I know there are profiles that say people want this uber relationship, or have had one, but I wonder how much is truth and how much is epeen (funny to think of a submissive female wanting an electronic penis but there you go). So do tell, does it work, and what are the common pitfalls for both parties in making it happen? If it doesn't work, I'm going to pull the earth over myself now because I wasn't made for this earth. So I'm hoping for helpful yes and how-to! [:D] I've had a slave, 24/7, clear authority hierarchy now for over seven years. It is very much not like what most people think consensual slavery is like -- it has little resemblance to most fiction and it requires a committment by both people to maintain that dynamic though if it is the correct choice for you both I think it also flows very naturally. My advice is to be very clear about what you are trying to establish, set specific protocols and rituals and areas of authority, be flexible and revisit this arrangement at least yearly, and never let your fantasy overshadow the reality of just living day to day. Going to work, doing household chores, taking care of family, having conflicts of time and interests, these are part of life and most folks I know who can't make it for long discover the fantasy and the scenes are more important to them than the ongoing Ms or Ds dynamic. Find what works for you and don't try to be something you aren't or have a relationship dynamic that is more work than pleasure.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 6:30:51 AM)
Master and I have a TPE relationship to us M/s is not just in the bedroom. It is kind of something that needs to be agreed on beforehand and understood. If you try to incorporate some control in all aspects all the sudden it will cause problems.

darksdesire -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 6:44:12 AM)
From the very begining, My Master always made a point of saying that our D/s path would be one that we would establish together, that would grown and evolve over time, according to our needs. We consider our relationship to be 24/7, but he only controls what he wants to control. At first, I thought TPE, 24/7 would mean I would always be naked and in chains (lol...how dull that would have been). Now, i understand that for us anyway, it is a mindset, a constant awareness of the structure and dynamic of our relationship. It doesn't matter what we are doing, who we are with, or even if we are apart - He is my Master, and at any time he can restrict, limit, demand and I will respond. For the most part however, we are a simple couple who happen to be in love. He doesn't micromanage, he doesn't have protocol that I have to follow, and yet we both understand who has the power at all times. He doesn't have to be exercising the power in order to have it. It's just something that is there, and he uses it when it is needed. I've never yet resented any restrictions, or been opposed to any task or chore he's given me. I am delighted to obey. It really is a unique path that you will develop with your submissive....mostly based on your temperment and personality, her needs, and what you will want to build together. It truly is a team effort, and blazing the trail together can build a wonderful connection between the two of you. Have fun.

SusanofO -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 6:46:28 AM)
darksdesire: That sounds so lovely and so reasonable. - Susan

DeepWaters -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 6:58:16 AM)
Ill second darksdesire --the constant undercurrent of control is much prefered--I tried a High protocol TPE 24/7 relationship for 2 weeks, she had no problem with anything in or out of the bedroom...cloths, sex, turning over control of her life etc...until we implimented her desire to lose wieght...ultimately it was the diet and exercise that killed it :-p

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 7:08:22 AM)
Most long term Ms and Ds relationships look and act just like vanillas about 90% of the time. It's not about how it looks or acts- it's about the motivation. And why do you consider "vanilla" to be "insulting"?

Rover -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 7:22:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akbarbarian Do some people want this, and when they actually have it, can they handle it happily ready for more? A few random thoughts... 1. People "want this" to varying degrees. For some, a power exchange within the confines of the bedroom is quite sufficient. For others, an ongoing power exchange relationship dynamic best suits them. It's important that both parties have the same understanding (and desire) of what the relationship dynamic will be. 2. People often find themselves enamored with the activities, or relationship dynamic. That attraction lasts for a while, until such time as they realize that a relationship isn't built upon what you "do", but who you both "are". In other words, they begin to realize that they're not so attracted to the person, as they are the relationship dynamic. And ultimately they move on in hopes of finding the "right" person to go along with the "right" relationship. John

duckfoot -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 7:28:15 AM)
Perhaps you know something I don't, but why do you assume not living together = "long distance relationship"? I don't live with my partner but it's not a long distance relationship, either. We usually spend about 4 days a week together, either in my house or his.

toservez -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 7:45:00 AM)
I for one really do not have much interest if it did not involve my whole life. To me it is about the mindset and the physical and kinky things are just the physical manifestations of the relationship which are important and enjoyable, but without the underlying mentality and power exchange of day to day vanilla life would do little for me. Like others have mentioned 24/7 is a mindset and dedication and acknowledgement of how your power exchange relationship is at work and not some escape from the real world. Many times they interact without any difference and sometimes with differences only the slave and Dominant might only know. It is this as what I see as the biggest pitfall from talking and reading others. It is that leap of faith or trust that can be very tough to cross. The truth is for many it is far easier to trust someone with their physical health of our body then to trust a person with their mental health and with societal boundaries. It is that final letting go of controlling the big stuff in our life to be able to focus on the small things for our owner, trusting another not to be embarrassed or hurt by what they may or may not do when family, friends, or co-workers are around or involved. This final hurdle is very big because it goes against society's beliefs on such a high level that can make it difficult for many to give up that type of control.

Wildfleurs -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 7:51:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akbarbarian How many people have successfully had this for over a year? It has been a problem in the past in relationships I've had, where I want I want that same unilateral control in all parts of our life. It's met with varying degrees of success, and some people seem to rail against being told what to do outside the bedroom while loving it inside (or wherever the sexual situation occurs). Do some people want this, and when they actually have it, can they handle it happily ready for more? I know there are profiles that say people want this uber relationship, or have had one, but I wonder how much is truth and how much is epeen (funny to think of a submissive female wanting an electronic penis but there you go). So do tell, does it work, and what are the common pitfalls for both parties in making it happen? If it doesn't work, I'm going to pull the earth over myself now because I wasn't made for this earth. So I'm hoping for helpful yes and how-to! [:D] I can give a yes, but I can't give a how to. My owner and I have been together for several years (it'll be nine years in January). A lot of it is about being ready for a particular type of dynamic/relationship as well as really taking the time and spending the time building the foundation rather than rushing straight into a dynamic that just may not quite fit right. C~

crouchingtigress -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 9:37:19 AM)
I just recently posted my personal view on the journey of a submissive I see it as a series of nourishing choices. i can not get much of a person from the words the write here because it is only a tiny glimpse of who a person is...but i did pick up a tone that i think maybe you should be aware of... a PE (power exchange dynamic) for the slave, is not about really about "being told what to do" in the sort of way that maybe you think of it as being. its not as black and white, its not a boss to an employee ....although i totally concur that is what it looks and feels like from the outside looking in. but from the inside of the relationship you have two people who have taken a very good honest look at themselves and through trial and error have found what works for them in relationship. its the same idea as good team builing...each person has strengths and weaknesses and the two are paired so that ones strong suits complements the others. so from the inside you have a team, one leader...one follower, one decision maker one who would prefer to have decisions made, ect...this team has spent a long time getting to know eachother....and has monitored how well they function in all differing aspects of power transfer. so that is what i mean when i say 24-7 is a series of nourishing decisions each person in the dynamic has goals in life, and creates a life partner strategy to achieve those goals, and they may try out several partners before hitting upon the right fit as they themselves grow in understanding of what truly makes them tick. when you take the process out of the 24-7 evolution you are left with what i call template or cookie cutter BDSM, this is taking the power exchange dynamic into your relationship with out doing the research of what it is, what the cost and benefits will be, how it will be applied ect...and only play acting the protocols of other peoples BDSM relationships...this does not work because it is only going through the motions of a bdsm relationship with out a solid commitment and understanding of the principals. *gosh i feel like i am 6 paragraphs in and not able to get my point across sigh...ok...i am going to try again* *to achieve the goal that you desire of D/s outside the bedroom, you want to take a what is in it for them* approach...you want to understand your partners motivations and fill in the gaps. as with all negotiation you want to find out what your partners needs are, you want to look at ways to address those needs, you want to understand your needs, and you negotiate about how that is going to look in your lives... i guess what i am trying to say is: no one like to be told what to do, out of context and with out giving consent. if you tell me what to do i will tell you to fuck off unless it is totally clear to me that it is in my best interest to partner with you to achieve my goals and dreams....and i think where you have fallen short in the past when you tried to move out side the bedroom, may have been failing to contemplate....what it means to you negotiate...what each person is willing to give and take and motivate.....inspire her to find her strength and peace in submitting to you...instead of just telling her what to do. does that make sense at all?...i feel like it sort of does.**

akisha -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 10:18:42 AM)
~FR~ I'm going to say that probably most of the long term D/s relationships extend outside the bedroom. That does not mean the sub will be naked and in chains or collar and leash all the time. It just means that the Dominant is always in control to a variety of degrees. Mostly meaning that the submissive knows how he or she is to carry out things in their average day to day routine. And really, the Dominant and the submissive don't even have to be living together at the time for this to still take place.

slavejali -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 11:55:09 AM)
quote: Wow that's really great. There weren't any challenges, or mistakes that were corrected once you found them? Was it really as easy as falling off a log when you're both the right sort of people for it? Any relationship takes work from both people. Master had a different approach to enslaving me than I think most people go through. Just to get some background, we met on the internet and we had both lived in Master/slave relationships RT before. For the 11 months before we met, we talked about our lives, perspectives, histories, ideals, prior relationships, kinks, bdsm experience, life goals, problem solving, reactions to situations that had presented themselves in our lives etc etc etc ...there was a lot of talking in that 3000 hours of chat. That 3000 hours was filled with honest communication, being ourselves and sharing ourselves, by the time we met Master knew pretty much everything there was to know about me and I him. So he arrives and to my surprise, he doesn't immediately blast me with his domliness and mastery. In fact, to me at the time, it seemed like everytime I tried to be a slave to him, he would put up a barrier to it. He kept telling me to relax, we had all the time in the world and that he wanted this relationship to last, he wanted to create a space to get to know me as a person. He didn't just want a slave, he was greedy and wanted everything. I would kneel, he would tell me to get up, I would do this or that, things I was used to from previous relationship he would put a stop to. It was a really confusing time for me in the beginning. In hindsight, I see what he was doing, he was slowly but surely stripping me of all my "desires" of what I perceived a slave to be to make me his, wholly , completely and utterly. (It was going to be "his way" not mine).It got to a point that even when he asked me to do the slightest thing for him my whole being would just consume it, like someone dying in the desert being offered some water. I was no longer operating from my "topical desires" but from a very chore need, my slavery to him.. About 8 months after we came together, Master demanded something of me, which in my mind was a really hard limit, perhaps the strongest one I had. It was on that day I realised, I really was enslaved. He had spent the previous 8 months making sure I realised he was safe, cared for me, loved me..it was on that day he showed me he was my Master. D/s is the undercurrent of our relationship, I think it takes time and a lot of work to realise the dynamics of that truly beyond the titillating "play" aspects. So in the "how to" I guess my suggestion would be to "relax and know you have all the time in the world". Work on developing your relationship and if you both are naturally dominant and submissive, it will work itself out. I guess too, the fact that, we had already talked about the parameters of our relationship, what Masters expectations were, what my needs were, where we were heading was really well defined from the beginning, was a great help...but dang if the process of getting there wasn't totally bewildering....He really is a Master not just my Master.

Missokyst -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 12:14:10 PM)
My most recent lasted almost 7 yrs. It was in and outside of the bedroom. Over the years he taught me to manage my money, helped me learn a new vocation, got me to be a little more of a force in my family dynamics, and became my boss. We played hard, loved longer, and it was easy to let him call the shots because he just seemed to have things more together than I did. After about 5 yrs, there were things I felt he had no control over and it disturbed me. At that point I began avoiding submission by flipping over our play with some passionate topping. And my day to day acceptance that his way was right had eroded so badly I rarely accepted his guidance. By the 6th year the weakness I noticed in him was that he chose not to face the issues in his own life. I choose to end US and apparently left him no choice but to face his problems. I didn't realize that by being in his life I had made it tolerable for him to avoid his own situation. Without me it had to come to a head. Now he is working his way through them and I have no place in his life except as a friend. It has been tough on me to say the least. And he seems to be fairing well. Blech. I don't know how long ds lasts, but I am getting kind of old to do this again. Kyst

agirl -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 1:16:01 PM)
Yes...years. From experience the most common pitfall is simply not knowing each other before STARTING a relationship. It's that simple. agirl

akbarbarian -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 1:57:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SlaveSuru I find it very refreshing because I used to live with room mates and because of my nature they took advantage of me and had me do almost all the cooking and cleaning without any contributions to the house at all. Your situation sounds lovely, but this quote reminds me of somthing I've had a problem with. The women I've been with have tended to have a doormat to the world quality, where pressure of expectations and wants from anyone they know become important perhaps just as important as what I want if not moreso. Removed from that I might get what I want, in private, but in public not so. quote: ORIGONAL: fldrkhorse I think it's quite common for everyone. We all have the "what will people think" syndrome. It's only after time that we become comfortable with ourselves and our accepted roles that others opinions don't matter. Is that related to the syndrome fldrkhorse mentioned, or is what I'm talking about somthing different?

slavegirljoy -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 2:06:42 PM)
i have been in 4 long term (over a year) D/s relationships and all of them were much more outside the bedroom than in it. The actual sex that takes place is only one small part of it. Although, in reality, all of it has a sexual component to it, for me, simply because i get off on being submissive. Washing the dishes gets me wet (and not from splashing water on myself) simply because i know that i am carrying out a duty that my Master has assigned to me and i know that doing a good job and keeping things clean makes Him feel good about His home and good about His slave. Of course, i came to my Master with the knowledge that i would be His live-in domestic and that my primary duties would be to clean His home, cook and serve His meals, do His laundry, turn down His bed at night, make His coffee and bring in His newspaper in the morning, draw His bath and wash and dry His body, shave His face, massage Him, sit at His feet or be on all fours in front of Him for His feet to rest on my back while He watches TV, watch movies with Him, engage in discussions with Him, clean His mother's home and take care of her garden, give Him blow jobs, be used as His personal urinal, take His whip/crop/hand/belt across my back and elsewhere on my body, be clamped/pinched/tickled by Him whenever and wherever He decided, sleep on His floor, and live by all of His decisions about my life, including my nightly bedtime. i never knew Him until He answered my CM ad seeking a sadistic Master. i met Him 3 weeks after He wrote to me and He collared me right then and had me move from Georgia to His home in NC 3 weeks after that. That was just over a year ago and i have never called Him by anything other than Sir or Master. i always address Him as Sir in public and at His mother's house. i am His complete slave and i live by that 24/7, whether W/we are together or not. i don't act any differently when He is with me than when i am alone. i always serve Him meals first and i always take my food in the kitchen, after He has finished eating. The only exception is when He has grilled steaks and wants me to join Him at the table. He doesn't choose my clothing but, He does tell me sometimes what He wants me to wear. And, He has cut my hair before and He demands that i be totally shaved all the time. He has also told me, that at some point He will have me tatooed with a design of His choice. i don't know of any pitfalls in this particular relationship. The benefits for me are that i have no worries and no pressures of having to make decisions. i have a very calm, secure, safe, and orderly life that allows me to know from one day to the next what to expect and that frees my mind to be able to pursue other things, like my schooling that was cut short years ago and creative activities, like jewelry making and sewing and writing. The benefits for Master are that He never has to think about picking up His dirty clothes or coming home from work to anything less than a clean house, He always wakes up to the smell of His coffee already for Him and He doesn't have to walk out in the cold to get His paper. He knows that He will have a good breakfast, lunch and dinner and He won't have to lift a finger, other than to pick up His fork and knife. He has a constant companion, who doesn't hover over Him but, is only in the other room and comes to Him whenever He calls. So, it works for both of U/us and it keeps getting better the more W/we are together. It has worked so well for U/us, i think, because W/we were both completely honest about who W/we are and what W/we wanted and W/we had compatible interests in and out of BDSM and the same moral and ethical outlooks on life. slave joy Owned property of Master David quote: ORIGINAL: akbarbarian How many people have successfully had this for over a year? It has been a problem in the past in relationships I've had, where I want I want that same unilateral control in all parts of our life. It's met with varying degrees of success, and some people seem to rail against being told what to do outside the bedroom while loving it inside (or wherever the sexual situation occurs). Do some people want this, and when they actually have it, can they handle it happily ready for more? I know there are profiles that say people want this uber relationship, or have had one, but I wonder how much is truth and how much is epeen (funny to think of a submissive female wanting an electronic penis but there you go). So do tell, does it work, and what are the common pitfalls for both parties in making it happen? If it doesn't work, I'm going to pull the earth over myself now because I wasn't made for this earth. So I'm hoping for helpful yes and how-to! [:D]

akbarbarian -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 2:13:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Most long term Ms and Ds relationships look and act just like vanillas about 90% of the time. It's not about how it looks or acts- it's about the motivation. And why do you consider "vanilla" to be "insulting"? Do you really think so? At times I think we were noticed because I want the world to know there is somthing special about the woman I'm with. When I'm proud to be with someone, I like showing her off. Now I appreciate not everyone highly regards seeing a woman in an obvious subsurvient role, far from it in many cases, it can be a source of criticizm and controversy. I took pride in dressing her to the 9s, and I'll bet she looked different enough from the average woman in the room to not look like the vanilla ones. Of course it might not have been obvious why she did, except for the semi-discreet gorean style steel collar she wore. The collar was always an exception, since it could pass as jewelry to a degree. Collars in public 24/7/365 were never a source of embarrasment or resistance. Why consider being called vanilla insulting? Maybe for the same reason I would resent being called Fred when my name is Charles. I was always very particular that people get my name right, even when I was a toddler.

Grlwithboy -> RE: D/s outside the bedroom (12/20/2006 2:13:30 PM)
With my husband and primary, when I met him he was very adamant that outside the bedroom he wasn't interested in D/s and outside a sexual context he wanted equality, to which I nodded and said, well, I definitely didn't want a relationship where outside the bedroom control was the be all and end all and I'd be making him kiss my feet every time I entered the living room. I think that was an important reassurance. However people are how they are. In learning some of the good sense required to have faith in that, I can say that I am in a D/s relationship with my husband in which he is largely submissive and I am largely Dominant. It's by no means a structured and rigid TPE, but the bottom line is that he tends to frame everything in terms of "is this going to make her happy?" and I tend to frame everything in terms of "is this good for him and for us, by extension?"

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