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Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 3:53:23 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well I did try and do a search but I couldn't find what I was looking for *S*

Actually it's a couple of questions but they are interrelated.

How many of you find it really hard to ask for help? I don't mean just for big things but for anything. I'm kind of a dolt at times, I'd rather just do something myself then ask someone to help me. Sometimes to the point that i cause myself injury.

Sir told me I had to ask him for help with re-aranging the house, and it was actually hard for me to do. That's wierd right?

Next question...

Do you find that you are more then willing to be there for other people when there is something wrong and they need to to vent or talk, but rarely want to burnden others when something is bothering you?


I know it's a personal flaw, but i feel like by going to others, even my Sir, with problems or a cry for help it makes me feel weak and helpless. It's something i'm working on but I'm kinda wondering if there are many others with the same hang up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very Merry Christmas and a most Joyous New Year to All  *huggs*

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:01:02 PM   
BDSM05478


Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		yup yup on both accounts. sometimes even to my own down fall in the past. It is easier to be the "strong" one, that people can lean on when all your life all you have had to depend on is yourself. It makes me feel humble and human when I have to ask for help but for me the biggest hurdle to why I don't ask for help is because I am scared that the one time I go to someone for help, they will tell me no. in essence I will be rejected at an already low point and that is not something I want to find out if I am strong enough to handle.......

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"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:01:54 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Simple answer is yes, others feel this way. What he's trying to get you to do is give that control to him. By not "burdening him" with your feelings, you're actually robbing him of his right as a master to guide you and "fix" the situation.

Many (including myself) find this a good coping mechonism especially as a result of past trauma. We learn we can't trust anyone but ourselves and literally give until it hurts. The vulnerability that comes with opening up and telling others our problems isn't easy.

Start with the baby steps, if physically not hurting yourself moving furnature is his desire you need to work on that baby step.

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:02:02 PM   
enigmaslave


Posts: 146
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		This isnt such wierd question.

I have a hard time asking for help as well, and yes, I love to help others, but i am embaresed and ashamed to share my problems with others.

Or maybe its a pride "thing", I dont want others to see me strugling.

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my appreciation to A/all who have read my opinion.
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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:04:15 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline 		LOL!  Short answer: Yes and Yes.   Lets say its perhaps further down (by priority) on my list of things I need to work on at the moment than perhaps it is on yours.

- pixel

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:09:42 PM   
Serenityy


Posts: 97
Status: offline 		Hello akisha
 
quote:

  How many of you find it really hard to ask for help? I don't mean just for big things but for anything. I'm kind of a dolt at times, I'd rather just do something myself then ask someone to help me. Sometimes to the point that i cause myself injury.


I used to have a really hard time asking anyone for help; I have since come to understand that there are just some things that I can not do, and that there are some things that I should not attempt to do. In those instances, I always go looking for a person to help to me with them.
 
quote:

Do you find that you are more then willing to be there for other people when there is something wrong and they need to to vent or talk, but rarely want to burnden others when something is bothering you?
 
Yes. But I truly believe deep within myself that helping others is more important at times. If there is something that bothers me; I always know that I can go and ask for advice and that their shoulders are there just as often as mine is for them.
 
I am curious as to why you would feel that your inability to go to others is a personal flaw? To myself, it shows strength.

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:14:23 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		i have a very hard time asking for help, i like to be the helper...F.N.S.....florence nightingdale syndrome .....but it  is a very annoying quality in other people so i am guessing i must annoy a lot of folks too...but i would never know....cause that would be too much like asking for help....
 
 

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:15:15 PM   
innatedesire


Posts: 111
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		I can totally  relate, it is how i am not sure if it is good or bad but it is totally me. i grew weary of asking for help only to have those i asked not follow through (feels like the ultimate dismissal /rejection) which to me is worse than just saying no. i decided that rather than be disappointed, its easier to just do things/deal with things myself.
Just to clairfy that it only applies to my personal relationships and not work realted at all. At work i have no issues asking questions when i need help with something or finding someone who can and  will give me what i need..


< Message edited by innatedesire -- 12/21/2006 4:19:40 PM >

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:22:41 PM   
Inhibitor


Posts: 73
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		One thing to consider is that asking for another's help is an acknowledgement of their capacity to do so; within reason (which in this case only you can define, and I'm sure you've an inkling even if it gets prodded with doubt), asking for help is a kind of compliment, and reflects the little jigsaw fits in an interpersonal relationship.

If you're asking for help with something you're *ashamed* you cannot do yourself, I suppose you'll have to either fix the personal inability, ignore it and let go of the guilt, or try some waffling combination of the two. And that's of course assuming that your Sir doesn't actually want you to feel all weak and helpless. ;)

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:24:13 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		I dont think its a flaw.
I think its that we want to be in control at all times,even
being a submissive doesnt discount that you want to do things for yourself.It gives the feeling of empowerment and to know that you can do things for yourself.
If thats a flaw then I have it too.

I do have to add that if your going to maybe hurt yourself doing it alone...try really really hard to ask for help,So you dont throw out your back... 



I enjoy helping others and sorting through their problems or just listening.
I usually have no problem with venting...asking advice isnt something thats a problem either...Afterall,Knowledge is power.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:31:57 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		No, its not a weird question.

For better or worse, I try really hard not to get myself in a position where I need help.  Part of it is because of the way I grew up.  Part of it is because there's been times where I gotten myself to the point where I trusted someone enough to ask for something and there was no follow through or it came back to bite me.  And then there's a basic superstition I have that there's only so much help in the world and I don't want to use up my share lest there wont be any left when I really need it.  I'm always like, I better try to get through this, because I don't know whats gonna happen tomorrow and it might be worse.  Plus, I'm a bit of a stoic.  All this is said with "for better or worse" in mind.  I am in no way saying its a good way to be.

I also tend to be a "helper" though I'm trying really hard to learn to say no or at least only help when I'm asked and not seek out opportunities.  Its here where I'm focusing most of my "self-improvement" energies right now.  Its kind of amazing how much discipline it takes to change a deeply engrained habit. 

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 4:54:18 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Yes to both.  This is an area Master has me working on.  Although i suppose it is a little early in the process since we are now working on my being able to gracefully accept help (His) when offered or given without protesting that it is too much to ask of Him.  He just gives me the look and reminds me that i belong to Him and therefore He is protecting and taking care of His property.  He has also told me He has watched me change before His eyes when someone is in need of a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to.  He says that is a wonderful quality and would like for me to learn to share that attitude with Him with His being the shoulder.  Lots of work sigh, but what heavenly work it is to please Him by working hard and actually learning to succeed at it.

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 5:06:20 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha
How many of you find it really hard to ask for help? I don't mean just for big things but for anything. I'm kind of a dolt at times, I'd rather just do something myself then ask someone to help me. Sometimes to the point that i cause myself injury.

Sir told me I had to ask him for help with re-aranging the house, and it was actually hard for me to do. That's wierd right?

The girl is expressly forbidden from doing "heavy lifting" or climbing on things, even ladders.  I'd be disappointed if she felt reluctant to ask (about most things) and esp pissed if she actually injured herself doing it anyway. 
 
While your reservations are superficially "weird" to me, I can't deny that they're fairly common amongst most of the fem/subs I've known.  They were reluctant to "burden" me with apparently trivial matters, such as shifting a lounge etc.  The simplest things can be hardest to teach....  <sigh & lol>

quote:

Do you find that you are more then willing to be there for other people when there is something wrong and they need to to vent or talk, but rarely want to burnden others when something is bothering you?

Not so generalised.  Being there for my girl when she's stressed or upset etc is both desirable and a matter of responsibility of ownership anyway.  But the "whole World's" problems, no thanx!  I've always considered that a "guy thing"; that women are the better nurturers.

quote:

I know it's a personal flaw, but i feel like by going to others, even my Sir, with problems or a cry for help it makes me feel weak and helpless. It's something i'm working on but I'm kinda wondering if there are many others with the same hang up.

This is brilliantly stated!  I don't think it a "flaw" so much as the "nature of the beast" and have had to address it with all the fem/subs who have shared my life.  The only real variation has been individual degree....
 
Nice post! 
 
Focus.

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 5:11:04 PM   
Zsuzsanna


Posts: 108
Joined: 12/17/2006
Status: offline 		i am that way exactly. i never ask for help for anything. i have always had this "i can do it myself!" complex. i always thought it was because i grew up with 3 brothers. it bothers me that i cannot ask for help.
and i never to go anyone when i have a problem. the question i used to get most often was "are you okay?" and i would always say yes even though i was almost never okay. its not that i didnt want to be a burden to them, i just cant admit that somethings wrong to anyone other than myself.

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 5:20:53 PM   
soultoshare


Posts: 519
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Nope, not wierd at all.....I was married to someone who was a terrible procrastinator, therefore, if I needed anything done, I did it myself.  I've been on my own since 1988, so nothing gets done unless i do it.  I left home in 1978 to go to school and play soldier, independence was/is my middle name.  Especially in the Army...being a female cop was tough enough...show any weakness and they'd eat you for lunch!  I did everything by myself, not once asking any of the men for help.

My friends will tell you that I am their shoulder, but I keep my problems to myself.  I vent to my cats.....they just crack one eye open, and go back to sleep.

It's tough to accept help from others, but how many times have you heard them tell you that they would have been happy to help had they known you needed it?  Reach out for little things first, that may make it a little easier for you.  I understand the feeling you describe about being weak and helpless.  With my personality, I'll do anything to avoid that feeling.  But by doing it a little bit at a time, I find I'm able to ask for help with some of the bigger things going on.

Good luck!
m

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 5:24:57 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		It's not a flaw, akisha.

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 6:42:24 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

Well I did try and do a search but I couldn't find what I was looking for *S*

Actually it's a couple of questions but they are interrelated.

How many of you find it really hard to ask for help? I don't mean just for big things but for anything. I'm kind of a dolt at times, I'd rather just do something myself then ask someone to help me. Sometimes to the point that i cause myself injury.

Sir told me I had to ask him for help with re-aranging the house, and it was actually hard for me to do. That's wierd right?

It is totally weird.. and totally normal... and unfortunately for many..something that really doesnt change without LOTS of work~

Next question...

Do you find that you are more then willing to be there for other people when there is something wrong and they need to to vent or talk, but rarely want to burnden others when something is bothering you?

I find this to be very true for me...that is why I am always so greatful when I am with someone who knows me well enough to see something is going on..and forceful enough not to let me shy away from baring myself.

I know it's a personal flaw, but i feel like by going to others, even my Sir, with problems or a cry for help it makes me feel weak and helpless. It's something i'm working on but I'm kinda wondering if there are many others with the same hang up.

Just one question..why do you feel as a sub, being weak and helpless is such a bad thing..sometimes the Sirs like that in a sub..not all the time...but sometimes they do like to feel needed
 
Good luck to you  ~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very Merry Christmas and a most Joyous New Year to All  *huggs*


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So many thoughts, so few of them rational

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 7:09:01 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		My sub has the exact same problem as you. He refuses to ask for help even though he truly needs it at times. We are in the process of working on this and I reinforce to him that it doesn't make him weak or a pain in the butt by asking for help. Its a slow going process but we are making headway.

I personally can ask for help as Id rather do that and learn how its supposed to be done rather then not ask and fumble about.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 7:21:08 PM   
CalliopePurple


Posts: 2539
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
Status: offline 		I have a very hard time telling people what's wrong because I don't think they care enough to really want to listen. In my head, they only ask because I'm crying and that's the only thing they can think of to say. Nobody ever asks if I need a hug, which will stop my tears nine times out of ten.

But I don't have issues asking for help, especially when I know I'm clueless and someone else is more knowledged and/or experienced.


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Kimi ni aitakute dare yori mo aitakute
hajimete kimi ni atta hoshizora no shita de.
Kimi ni tsutaetai todokanai omoi demo
boku no kokoro wa mada kimi o sagashiteiru.

Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute

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RE: Slightly wierd question - 12/21/2006 7:29:04 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Wow, first of all, thank you all very much for making me realize i'm not a complete freak lol just a control freak *S*

Yes, like many of you said, I don't ask for help because being repeatedly let down, I just got into the habit of always doing for myself. It tended to be easier and faster. Even with the injuries from packing a 27" stereo TV up the driveway and into the house alone hehe

I did finally learn to accept compliments  with out laffing at the person giving them *S*

Red, in answer to your question, being weak or being seen as weak when i was growing up meant you were attacked. So i learned at a very early age to never show any sign of weakness. I can protray complete emotionlessness at times. I'm actually getting over that hurdle. I do still have a hard time expressing deep feelings at times but hey we all live and learn and grow.

For those I love, I'd do anything for them *S*  but it takes a long time to accept help from anyone. I went through an extremely hard time a couple years ago, the lil one and I were homeless and the fact I had to depend on my parents, even though it was only for a couple months almost killed my psychologically. hehe good thing i bounce back fast *S*

Again, thank you all for your insight and thoughts







_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

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