RE: Slightly wierd question

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MzMia -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/21/2006 7:48:37 PM)
Happy Holidays akisha [:D] I always find you so refreshing. Great post..... I am one of those self-help nuts, and this is an area I have been working on. I am getting better at asking for help, but it is still hard for me to accept compliments. In my case, I know it has to deal with low self-esteem issues from childhood. My mother once told me I could not be consoled. And this is close to the truth. By acknowledging and seeing that these are "problem" areas for you, you are on the way to hopefully doing better. You sound like you have a wonderful Sir, and the fact that you can be honest about this and continue to reach out to him for help, will bring you closer than you can imagine. What you are talking about is real intimacy-you are on the road to achieving what many never do in life. Congratulations!!! you are marvelous!

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/21/2006 7:50:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akisha How many of you find it really hard to ask for help? I don't mean just for big things but for anything. I'm kind of a dolt at times, I'd rather just do something myself then ask someone to help me. Sometimes to the point that i cause myself injury. Yup, it's extremely common with females, and especially perfectionists who make it their idea that they should always be taking care of others. quote: Do you find that you are more then willing to be there for other people when there is something wrong and they need to to vent or talk, but rarely want to burnden others when something is bothering you? Yup. It's definitely something people should work beyond if they find it's part of their life. It's not only an incorrect overly self-centered perspective to have of the world, it's usually based in insecurity and unrealistic need for perfection. It can even be dangerous- people not going to the doctor when they should and get things taken care of when they are small and easily fixed.

BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/21/2006 8:35:47 PM)
Add me to the Yes and Yes column! I've always been this way. I will work overtime to figure out how to do something myself without bothering anyone, and will even risk injury to do it without help. If there is the slightest chance I can do it alone, I will. Now I also realize when I don't have the skills or strength to do some things and will ask for help, but only from certain people, and only if I'm certain I can't do it alone. I absolutely hate bothering others, even if they say it's not a bother.

Noah -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/21/2006 8:37:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akisha ... Yes, like many of you said, I don't ask for help because being repeatedly let down, I just got into the habit of always doing for myself. Faith and trust are wonderful gifts to offer a person. Do you know anyone who might be worthy of a gift like that? Anyone who would appreciate the value of that kind of gift? quote: .. Red, in answer to your question, being weak or being seen as weak when i was growing up meant you were attacked. So i learned at a very early age to never show any sign of weakness. I can protray complete emotionlessness at times. I'm actually getting over that hurdle. I do still have a hard time expressing deep feelings at times but hey we all live and learn and grow. [:)] As you live and grow, think about how false (false but sometimes wise) your presentation of non-weakness has been at certain times in the past. While you were hiding your weaknesses behind shows of no-weaknesses, so was everybody else. Everybody is weak and everybody is strong. A lot of people believe you have the right to express your weakness as well as your strength. Maybe whoever stole from you your perceived right to admit your weakness needs a good ass-kicking in your psyche. They are probably long gone from your life but still pulling levers in your head and heart. Thas fukdup. It may be a gradual thing and take some time but I'll bet if you tell those absent people that they no longer can control you, and you tell them often enough, they'll start to go away. And if they do go away then the people who are actually want to be in your life will have a whole new range of ways to show how much they value you, and how much they care. I think the fact that you're having this conversation indicates that everything's gonna be okay. Good luck with it.

marieToo -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/21/2006 9:17:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akisha How many of you find it really hard to ask for help? I don't mean just for big things but for anything. I'm kind of a dolt at times, I'd rather just do something myself then ask someone to help me. Sometimes to the point that i cause myself injury. Im the same way about asking someone for physical help of any kind. Since my divorce, there is a neighbor of mine a few houses down who makes it clear to me whenever he sees me that if I ever need any help with anything around the house, to ask him. <And no, he's not hitting on me.> But I just can't ask for help. I can/will and do find ways to manage those type of things for myself. quote: Next question... Do you find that you are more then willing to be there for other people when there is something wrong and they need to to vent or talk, but rarely want to burnden others when something is bothering you? I am always more than willing to be there for other people in this regard. And when it comes to 'emotional' help that i need, I will reach out for it wherever I can get it. quote: I know it's a personal flaw, but i feel like by going to others, even my Sir, with problems or a cry for help it makes me feel weak and helpless. It's something i'm working on but I'm kinda wondering if there are many others with the same hang up. [:D] Im sure alot of people share your feeling, but I wouldnt use that as a reason to resign to it. No, I dont think it's a flaw or a weakness. I think it's a strength to be able to open up to someone you feel close to and let them see your vulnerabilities. When someone loves you , they want to give you help, they dont want you to feel lousy and keep things bottled inside. . In some ways, it's almost like you are doing a good deed or a service to the person whose shoulder you cry on. They get to have that feeling like someone trusts them with their most personal 'stuff' and you get the support you need. What could be better?

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/22/2006 12:36:44 AM)
Sure it is a common feature with all and sundry. We have a certain inherent independence that makes us want to solve our own problems without asking for help. You know, maybe there is a reason for that. Have you ever been around someone who was constantly asking this and that when everyone else was trying to get the job done? That can be wearisome for all concerned. I encourage independent problem solving. I suspect you are a self-reliant person who can get the job done. Not always easy, but it can be rewarding also.

prettylittlkitty -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/22/2006 12:43:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akisha Well I did try and do a search but I couldn't find what I was looking for S Actually it's a couple of questions but they are interrelated. How many of you find it really hard to ask for help? I don't mean just for big things but for anything. I'm kind of a dolt at times, I'd rather just do something myself then ask someone to help me. Sometimes to the point that i cause myself injury. Sir told me I had to ask him for help with re-aranging the house, and it was actually hard for me to do. That's wierd right? Next question... Do you find that you are more then willing to be there for other people when there is something wrong and they need to to vent or talk, but rarely want to burnden others when something is bothering you? I know it's a personal flaw, but i feel like by going to others, even my Sir, with problems or a cry for help it makes me feel weak and helpless. It's something i'm working on but I'm kinda wondering if there are many others with the same hang up. [:D] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A very Merry Christmas and a most Joyous New Year to All huggs Akisha, i am very much that way, i absolutely hate to ask for help if i think i should be able to do something on my own. , and i have physically injured myself while being sooooooo stubborn.

SusanofO -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/22/2006 2:06:24 AM)
It's hard for me to ask other people for help. But I know that's because I am just used to handling things (both "hard" things and little, minor, more mundane things) mostly by myself. When there ain't nobody around to help, you learn how to do things by yourself. It's not all bad to know you can survive on your own, either, I don't think. And of course I am the oldest in my family (that could have something to do with it, who knows?) But it can wear me down, too, sometimes. I remember when I first got married, and my husband asked me what one of the best things about it (being married) was, and I said (seriously): "Not having to carry the groceries up two flights of stairs by myself." Compliments, I have no problem accepting. I can be a complement-hog. But real true, honest-to-God help? Hmm. I ask my sister for help, sometimes (my middle sister). Just to talk, mostly. Emotional help, I suppose - that is what that would be. Not often, but I do. That's where I find I need someone (if I do). If I get a flat tire I call AAA. Let them do it, hell, I haven't got a clue. Finance? That's what the bank manager is for (except I have learned more than I knew last year, I guess). I've got a list of home repair peoole longe than my arm, which I don't hesitiate to use. Burly handymen can snow-blow my driveway. They appear to enjoy it - who am I to stand in their way? I do clean my own house, though (and quite thoroughly). My sister has dealt with such atrocities of mankind in her job as a divorce attorney there is nothing, ever, it seems, that actually "throws" her. Nothing anyone could do would probably make her even blink. She's really heard it all, and seen a lot, too. Her I can trust. Other people? Hmmm. I hate to say it, and I am not sure why, but many of my friends (except one) seem to have bigger problems than I do, so I hestitate to "dump" on them. I might talk about little things, but never, ever big decisions or things I consider major stuff. Besides, sometimes I think those decisions and incidents are so personal they are best made alone, anyway. For me, it can take awhile to really feel able to lean on someone, but it is a relief when someone of the kind of nature that warrrants (in my mind) them as practically guaranteed to be "unshockable" happens along. Those people, in my experience, are few and far between (or maybe my life just really is weirder than some other people's, or I think or worry about stuff that is completely alien to them, or something). I have to know me leaning on them at times is honestly not going to bother them. But when I can be pretty sure of that, it's like I can take a short nap in their mental lap, or something, and it won't bother them. Nice. - Susan

eyesopened -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/22/2006 2:10:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akisha Wow, first of all, thank you all very much for making me realize i'm not a complete freak lol just a control freak S [:D] Yes, like many of you said, I don't ask for help because being repeatedly let down, I just got into the habit of always doing for myself. It tended to be easier and faster. Even with the injuries from packing a 27" stereo TV up the driveway and into the house alone hehe I did finally learn to accept compliments [;)] with out laffing at the person giving them S Red, in answer to your question, being weak or being seen as weak when i was growing up meant you were attacked. So i learned at a very early age to never show any sign of weakness. I can protray complete emotionlessness at times. I'm actually getting over that hurdle. I do still have a hard time expressing deep feelings at times but hey we all live and learn and grow. [:)] For those I love, I'd do anything for them S but it takes a long time to accept help from anyone. I went through an extremely hard time a couple years ago, the lil one and I were homeless and the fact I had to depend on my parents, even though it was only for a couple months almost killed my psychologically. hehe good thing i bounce back fast S i see myself in your post. i'm often the one people come to for help because they know i will help to the extent of my ability. Even stray cats seem to come to me and i always find them a home. The stray cats can be actual felines or humans or even Doms who are needy and need emotional strength. People tend to come to me in their weakness and i do all that i can to strengthen them. i have a philosophy that when people are at their most unlovely is when they need love the most. Stupid, huh? The times when i've needed someone to be strong for me? Nada. i learned long ago not to go to anyone when i need a hug because there are none. At least, none without a price. Not being able to ask for help isn't my desire to be in control, it is a learned response to being rejected at the time of my need. i have learned that "needy" is a filthy word even if the need is temporary. The only time i am totally comfortable asking for help is when i have a flat tire. i know how to change a tire but the lugs are put on by a pneumatic wrench and i am not physically capable of loosening the lugs. When i lived in a populated area i had an Auto Club membership and i always keep a can of Fix-a-Flat in my trunk.

SusanofO -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/22/2006 3:06:11 AM)
What a good topic. - Susan

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/22/2006 7:03:05 AM)
I'll also give another perspective on how this isn't always a great way to be- my co-worker has made herself into the "I'll do it all girl" and she will gobble up any piece of work that comes near here- including projects that other people have been working on. Not only does this really annoy the co-workers, but it also makes her overworked, and allows her to perpetuate her belief that she does so much and no one is willing to help her out. When the reality is that she takes it on for herself and isn't allowing anyone to help the burden.

TopinPa -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/22/2006 7:26:58 AM)
Well I'm glad to see it's not just me.... I've always had a problem with asking for help; I've always looked at it as a sign of weakness, (not that it is) I have been known to ask for help as a form of manipulation; IE..will you help me make something to eat; will you help iron and fold these cloths...

happypervert -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/22/2006 7:50:39 AM)
I guess it depends on what I may need help with. I have this thing for being self-sufficient, so I'll do things by myself when I can, but if I have friends who know how to do it and I can learn from them I'll ask for ideas. Then there are things I know I can't do by myself -- like this summer a storm knocked 10 trees down in my back yard, so I got on the phone and called friends who own more powerful chainsaws than the little one I own. I had no problem doing that at all.

akisha -> RE: Slightly wierd question (12/22/2006 7:54:45 AM)
Well first let me again thank you all for replying, I don't think I'm the only person able to do things, so I'm not coming at this from a self centered place. Just after time after time of asking for help with things then having to do it myself anyway, I've found it faster and easier to just do it. Why it is actually hard for me to now ask for help... well I'm not really sure but I was suprised at how difficult the concept was when he told me I would have to formally ask for help from him. The excercise was to make me start getting int the habit of coming to him for help. When it comes to my job, trust me i've been asking for help for almost a year and they finally ok'ed me hiring an assistant. VP's reasonoing... "Well you seem to handle the work load why do you need help?" The fact I worked nights and weekends from home didn't seem to fase him until i stopped lol If i don't understand something and can't find the information, I have no problem going to others. ( note the post [;)]) On the emotional level, that is where I probalby have the biggest problem. I have been the one taking care of everyone else for so long it's hard to think that those that learn on you can take your weight as well. I have a freind that has been a mess for the last couple years, and the couple of times I tried to talk about myself it always seems to be "all about her" so i just quit. When i do try and talk to someone about my feelings and needs, if they give even the smallest hint that they don't care of that i'm bothering them, I pull back and close off. and then when they do ask if i'm ok. I'm alwasy "fine" I wont press my needs or feelings on others if the appear to not give a damn. Like I said I'm working on opening up, especailly with Sir. I know it takes time and trust and it seems to be going pretty good so far. LOL considering he makes me realize when i'm withdrawing into myself. MzMia, thank you for the lovely compliment S quote: Faith and trust are wonderful gifts to offer a person. Do you know anyone who might be worthy of a gift like that? Anyone who would appreciate the value of that kind of gift? Noah, yes I do, but moments of insecurity still happen and I really am working on it. You're right, by admitting i have these issues, and working on them they will work themselves out. 30 years of conditioning is hard to break somedays LOL Have a wonderful Christmas and New Years everyone. I hope you all have loved ones to share it with. Remember, there is someone that loves you somewhere, even if you don't know it S

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