julietsierra -> RE: my son (12/23/2006 10:04:33 AM)
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mons, You're probably not going to like what I say, cause it's going to be so hard for you to do. Don't say another bad word about the woman - not one more word. Not to your friends, your relatives, even your twin. Don't do it. This is why: It could be that your son is in an abusive relationship. (I wouldn't rush into contemplating that he's submissive). Being in that place is a very scary thing - regardless if you are male or female. Nothing feels safe - even your own parents. When you badmouth her, because abusive situations are never something that begins right away, but kind of grows on relationships, he will feel the need to defend her - even if parts of him know this isn't a good idea. The goal for you - as a parent - is to keep your home being someplace safe for him to come to. The comments you need to be making are about how strong he is, what a good head he has on his shoulder, and things along those lines. No one winds up in abusive relationships because they want to. All too often, at the same time they are fearful, they love the person that is hurting them. Think of the abusive person like this gorgeous apple, all red and rosey and sweet on one side, but turn it around and the apple is rotten and decaying. Unless and until he can turn things around, he's going to continue to see the red, rosey and sweet side of things. You can not make him see the entire apple. He has to get there on his own. Chances are, if he's in an abusive relationship, his entire energy is being used to keep things calm and to second guess her moments of abusiveness. He simply can't manage defending her from his own family, and like it or not, because it's safer for him to defend her - he will, and this will cause him to step away from you. Depending on how controlling she is, he just could step away for a long time. So..please - keep things calm for him. Give him that opportunity to see that life doesn't have to be the way it is right now. Be as positive as possible. And keep on doing what you did with him when he was little - build his self esteem, help him be courageous, and make sure he always knows you're available for him and on his side. Remember, he made the choice to be with her, so when you badmouth her, you are telling him he's a fool - in a sideways manner - for choosing her in the first place. Him thinking his mother thinks he's a fool is not what he needs right now. mons, I speak from experience, only it was me who was in the situation your son is possibly in right now. I urge you to stay calm - and if you need further help, you can contact your nearest shelter for more ideas on how to handle the situation you're in. Regardless if the abused person is a man or woman, the shelters will have some suggestions for you as to how family members should and should not handle these things. I wish you well. It's hard to see our little boys turned men having to deal with this. juliet
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