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Seperation - 2/21/2005 12:05:30 AM

darlingjade

Posts: 54
Joined: 1/31/2005
Status: offline

Okey, Dokey....I'm new to this site but not to the lifestyle...

So hi ya'll..'waving then grinning'...

Here's what I'd like some advice about. I'd been with a Dom for more than a year but things started to fizzle a couple of months ago. We've said our farewells, yada,yada, yada...Wished each other well...More yadas...And I know it's the best possible thing for each of us.

At this point you'd think things would be easy because I'm independent in every other aspect of my life. Incredibly strong many have said. Yep, I know my own strength and it's awesome in it's scope. So ya'll can imagine my surprise to learn how wrenching the seperation has been.
Not because of feelings, though they're there, nope it's because of the training and emotional dependence. I'm so used to writing him with any stray thought that pops into my head and it's so darn difficult NOT to.

Am frustrated and irritated with myself for what I see as weakness because I'd like nothing better than to be able to instantly change behaviors.

Soooo...Any thoughts about how to stop the insanity?

Post #: 1

RE: Seperation - 2/21/2005 3:51:16 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

No matter how strong or independent you are, and emotional bond is still a bond and when it's gone you're gonna miss it. My thoughts would be maybe you can start a journal for your own use, a place to put those random thoughts. I would also suggest that you find friends in the lifestyle to talk to real time, attend munches and such.

Just a few thoughts

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to darlingjade)

Post #: 2

RE: Seperation - 2/21/2005 4:36:41 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darlingjade

Am frustrated and irritated with myself for what I see as weakness because I'd like nothing better than to be able to instantly change behaviors.

Soooo...Any thoughts about how to stop the insanity?

The entire idea that dom = stronger is so silly really.

We'd ALL love to be able to change everything as we wanted to exactly when we wanted to. Is this the first serious relationship you've had? Is it the first in the scene?

Time heals, so let it do its work. Until then, keep yourself busy. This really has little to do with Ds and simply to do with humans connecting and then separating again.

(in reply to darlingjade)

Post #: 3

RE: Seperation - 2/21/2005 4:41:10 AM

Apa4u2nvntn

Posts: 16
Joined: 2/17/2005
From: Memphis
Status: offline

Hello darlingjade =)

First off I must say I liked what i saw of your profile =)

I recently read a book titled "Taming your Gremlin" by Rick Carson and I think you might would benefit from his ideas and perspectives. I know I did =)

I'm always available for errant thoughts and musings if you wish - I tend to have rambling thoughts as well - convoluted even.

And I agree with ShiftedJewel, she makes a very valid point about the bond.

Anyway =) Welcome to the site!

---<---<@
J

_____________________________

"Two souls, alas, are housed within my breast."
Faust

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 4

RE: Seperation - 2/21/2005 6:09:05 AM

darlingjade

Posts: 54
Joined: 1/31/2005
Status: offline

umm...I'm thirtyseven so unless men really DID live on Mars and women on Venus by my advanced age it'd pretty much a miracle if I HADN'T been involved by this point. So to answer that question, of course I've been in other relationships. Heck, I've been through the divorce wars and have the scars to prove it.

To answer the second part of that question, yeeeesss I've been in another D/s relationship.

All of that said, this is different, which I attribute to the D/s part of things....

The advice given is sound and I've already tried most of it...Keep a journal...Am HERE looking for friends...And my best friend is a lifestyler who understands all of it.....Soooo...

Thanks folks...

(in reply to darlingjade)

Post #: 5

RE: Seperation - 2/21/2005 9:46:54 PM

slavedesires

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darlingjade

umm...I'm thirtyseven so unless men really DID live on Mars and women on Venus by my advanced age it'd pretty much a miracle if I HADN'T been involved by this point. So to answer that question, of course I've been in other relationships. Heck, I've been through the divorce wars and have the scars to prove it.

To answer the second part of that question, yeeeesss I've been in another D/s relationship.

All of that said, this is different, which I attribute to the D/s part of things....

The advice given is sound and I've already tried most of it...Keep a journal...Am HERE looking for friends...And my best friend is a lifestyler who understands all of it.....Soooo...

Thanks folks...

jade,
i read on bondage today a forum that i would like to suggest to you .... many incredibly awesome responses to ending a relationship and the reoccuring pain again and again.
MODS ~~ am i allowed to do this????
But i did take down 2 quotes which i find extremely helpful. i submit them for your evaluation:
--
STRENGTH is the one virtue that allows all other virtues to exist.There is no way to know how many beautiful but delicate things have been born only to die,because they lacked the strength to survive.
--
When we put up with any situation that we don't have to put up with, it's not because we're dumb. We put up with it because we want the lesson that only that situation can teach, and we want it more than freedom itself.
Richard Bach

i liked the part of "advanced age." LOL yes when we have lived and loved, triumphantly and admitted "failure" and loved again because our strength and resolve has returned for the healing is satisfactory to begin again, we are more capable.

i do agree though...from personal experience that the emotional dependency is the hardest to over come... so i have written myself reminders... and i will have to say that i read them daily sometimes, for my own emotional strength and growth....
each of us will have our own reminders, based upon our individuality...they are like the postive tapes you play in your brain in self help programs...
After i tell myself the truth (its individualistic so i will not share my truth)..then i remind myself:
Time for myself, GOD, needed discipline ~~one step . . . .one focus . . . at a time ~~you cannot eat an elephant in a day!
or it might be:
its ok to cry~ to feel sorrow ~ to grieve loss ~ so cry it out ~ give it to God ~and go on…..

Releasing the pain, the anger, the dependency and yes, the need is a slow process.
Claim those stray thoughts you use to write him and make them your strength and growth points. You survived many other scars "advanced age"

dictates to us who give and give and give ... you WILL do it again.

How many times have i given myself this "pep talk?"
Too many times!!
But each time i go through it again...i learn more about myself.

You are dearly hugged jade
shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to darlingjade)

Post #: 6

RE: Seperation - 2/22/2005 4:31:34 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

So ya'll can imagine my surprise to learn how wrenching the seperation has been.
Not because of feelings, though they're there, nope it's because of the training and emotional dependence. I'm so used to writing him with any stray thought that pops into my head and it's so darn difficult NOT to.

Am frustrated and irritated with myself for what I see as weakness because I'd like nothing better than to be able to instantly change behaviors.

Soooo...Any thoughts about how to stop the insanity?

Midear Jade-

It's not a 'Sub thing' or a 'Dom thing' or even a D/S thing- Sometimes, even when the realtionship wasn't all that you needed and wanted, even when the match was bad, there can still be a big empty hole left behind when it 's time to move on.

Don't rush yourself with the whole idea of moving on- I don't know much of anything in life that comes along well if it's forced. If you still have some contact, don't be silly about not reaching out- what's gone is gone, but you shouldn't have to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

And give yourself a break- I really don't have time for weak people, but I find 'iron subs' as tediuos as 'iron doms'don't confuse rigidity with stregth.

hang in there darlin'- this too shall pass. Sometimes that's the hardest thing about it<g>.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to darlingjade)

Post #: 7

RE: Seperation - 2/22/2005 4:43:10 AM

sanita

Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Apa4u2nvntn

Hello darlingjade =)

First off I must say I liked what i saw of your profile =)

I recently read a book titled "Taming your Gremlin" by Rick Carson and I think you might would benefit from his ideas and perspectives. I know I did =)

I'm always available for errant thoughts and musings if you wish - I tend to have rambling thoughts as well - convoluted even.

And I agree with ShiftedJewel, she makes a very valid point about the bond.

Anyway =) Welcome to the site!

---<---<@
J

this here darlingjade chickadee is my best friend. *grin* and if i may say so, Apa4u2nvntn: a book... a convoluted rambler... could you be her long lost twin?

darlingjade, cutie... love you! glad you're here! gotta go to work! (kidding about the convoluted... ramblling, tho... don't we both have that going for us?)

_____________________________

Sometimes, He calls me "subbie." Sometimes, i call me "subbie." And if someone wants to call me a BBW, its flattering. Just don't call me false.

"Please do not show me your ass and expect me to read your mind." -Opencollar

(in reply to Apa4u2nvntn)

Post #: 8

RE: Seperation - 2/22/2005 3:48:46 PM

darlingjade

Posts: 54
Joined: 1/31/2005
Status: offline

First, thanks guys for taking the time to respond with insight and much thought...

slavedesires...'g'....I'm gonna be stealing that strength quote and having it framed since it's just too awesome NOT to. Sorry to admit to plagerism so shamefully but I can't help myself.

The rest of what you said was much appreciated and means a lot to me because you shared a lot of yourself by doing so. That and, of course, it gives me a lot to think about.

topcap....Thanks for your words as well...'laughing look'...I'll have to admit here that other people are generally more impressed with my strength than i am...I just have higher expectations of myself than anyone else ever will...Which, as you can see, can sometimes cause problems ....This being one of those situations where i have to keep reminding myself that each step IS progress..

' reaching out to hug sanita tightly then whispering in her ear'....shhhh....I figured it'd take them a while to figure out the convoluted and longwinded thang....Was gonna wait awhile then write him a seriously short note in thanks and now you've ruined it...

(in reply to sanita)

Post #: 9

RE: Seperation - 2/22/2005 5:49:17 PM

sanita

Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

then write him a seriously short note

OK P/people... if Y/you have read any of my posts, you know i can get wordy.

with darlingjade as with myself... "seriously short" means only 6 or 7 lines... per thought.

cutie... they have to be aware of what they are getting into. *l* but in reading these boards, most of the wordier posters are pretty interesting.

as for separation... personally, one of the best things you did for yourself was post this thread. i am proud of you.

*hugshugshugshugshugs*

_____________________________

Sometimes, He calls me "subbie." Sometimes, i call me "subbie." And if someone wants to call me a BBW, its flattering. Just don't call me false.

"Please do not show me your ass and expect me to read your mind." -Opencollar

(in reply to darlingjade)

Post #: 10

RE: Seperation - 2/25/2005 3:36:47 PM

Apa4u2nvntn

Posts: 16
Joined: 2/17/2005
From: Memphis
Status: offline

**Agrees with sanita**

_____________________________

"Two souls, alas, are housed within my breast."
Faust

(in reply to sanita)

Post #: 11

RE: Seperation - 2/25/2005 4:35:48 PM

Apa4u2nvntn

Posts: 16
Joined: 2/17/2005
From: Memphis
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sanita
could you be her long lost twin?

Oops,

My apologys sanita, I never like to keep a lady waiting. I should have said this in previous post =(

To answer your question: Yes - seems as if we have some common ground =)

---<---<@
J

_____________________________

"Two souls, alas, are housed within my breast."
Faust

(in reply to sanita)

Post #: 12

RE: Seperation - 3/2/2005 9:44:12 AM

Tempestspet

Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
Status: offline

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, I'm sure I would be too. My sympathies, to you.

Time, will be what helps in the long run... I know put together that sounds funny.... grins..

Your profile is what tells me time, and patience are what ultimately will help you. The level of control you seek, per your interests listed in your profile. Find some routines, rigid routines... and try that. It may help.
Maybe get more involved in your local group? That may help in not feeling alone.

And you absolutely are not weak.... smiles.... nothing in your post conveyed weakness.

Ok, not sure if I helped or not..... but tried to come up with an idea that had not been mentioned.... at least I hope.... smiles

Tempest's pet

(in reply to darlingjade)

Post #: 13

RE: Seperation - 3/2/2005 9:34:09 PM

Chilli

Posts: 42
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

Best thing is to surround yourself with friends and keep busy I reckon.

But breaking up is always crap. Good luck

(in reply to Tempestspet)

Post #: 14

RE: Seperation - 3/3/2005 7:02:01 AM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

Okay so i have no advise to give other then to agree with whats already been said. I do however offer friendship. :)---Lady

(in reply to darlingjade)

Post #: 15

RE: Seperation - 3/3/2005 8:39:14 PM

darlingjade

Posts: 54
Joined: 1/31/2005
Status: offline

thanks to everyone that replied to this...

I've actually found that a lot of it was more habit than anything else and so i've been working to break those habits...'g'...Knowing absolutely that this is the best thing helps tremendously, of course...And then too, this thread flying around out there is embarrassing enough to keep me on the straight and narrow...'laughing softly'...So ya'll quit posting so the darn thing will disappear already...

(in reply to darlingjade)

Post #: 16

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