julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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Oh my goodness! People get busy. People have other things they're doing in their lives. Their lives are NOT always about you (and I have a feeling your head knows this but hasn't yet been able to convince your emotions of this fact.) Repeat to yourself "I am not the center of the universe, but I am the center of mine" OFTEN...and then get busy doing things which make your universe better for you other than worrying about someone else's universe.
Seriously, it really is the only way to deal with this kind of stuff.
And contrary to popular opinion around here, in my opinion, you need to do this often, and be faced with this quandry often - until you get to the point where you are more comfortable being your own person. It won't make any relationship you choose "less than" just because you decide to go see a play, read a book, go to the movies, head out for a walk, meet a friend for coffee, bake cookies for your neighbors (that way you won't eat them yourself), call your mother, meet your sister, volunteer at your favorite charity or find a new charitible organization in which to volunteer, go exploring places you've never gone before near you, go for a drive in the country, a walk in the city, listen to good music - and sing along! try your hand at rap music and realize just how hard that is to do, learn to cook something new, have some friends over for dinner, go do something you've never done before, face a fear. In fact, it will make YOU "more so" because you'll have interests and interesting things you've done that you can share with the dominant you're seeing. When you start doing these things, I think you'll find that the time in between when you see her and when you don't will pass much more quickly, and you will be less ravaged by these constant worries.
I have to say that there are lots of folks out there who make all these comments about how feelings are just feelings and no one can help how they feel. However, I believe that there's a difference between healthy feelings and when emotions are ruling your every thought and action. When emotions rule, in my experience, you really need to stop giving so much credence to your feelings and start forcing your more logical side to take control of your out of control emotions. In other words, you need to control your emotions, and not allow them to control you. It CAN be done.
Much of how any of us react is scripted out long before we ever get in the position where we're feeling what we're feeling. The scripts originate in things that have happened long long ago in our lives. Back then, we reacted in certain ways and found that for that time, they worked. So, we've continued to use those reactions until they've become part of a larger script that we don't even realize we're reading.
Think of your emotions in the same manner you would think of a little girl who isn't getting her way (no, I'm not saying you're immature or bratty or anything like that) or is scared. When a little girl doesn't get her way, and even more so, when she's scared, she tends to overworry. She tends to panic. Sometimes, she even has temper tantrums. More often though, she spends a lot of time crying and not being able to explain herself well at all. Ask yourself if you're doing this. Chances are, you are, even though you've been able to give yourself some decent adult justifications for that behavior.
Then, I'd suggest, in your head, taking that little girl who is having a temper tantrum by the hand and let her know she's not in control anymore, and that the adult you will be taking care of her. Strange as it may seem, this worked wonders for me.
And then....get busy.
You are not the center of the universe, but you are the center of yours...and you have control over your universe. When you have a dominant who is a very busy person, you MUST be self-reliant enough to be able to manage on your own without tearing yourself apart in the process. I swear, this is the only thing that worked for me.
Nowdays, when he's busy, so am I. When I'm not busy, it's because, for the most part, I've chosen not to be busy, and that's good too.
Yes, there'll still be times you'll be frustrated, but the duration and intensity of that frustration will be significantly more manageable than what you're facing right now.
just my .02
juliet
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RE: Dealing with dissapointment - 
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