Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas.

Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 9:19:26 PM)
I wasn't going to post this. I was going to try to get through this holiday alone, or with just my immediate family. Unfortunately, due to a recent death in the family (Tuesday, my aunt died), they are as depressed as I am. Also two weeks ago, a great-aunt of mine in California died. We rarely saw eachother, but she always mailed me a long Christmas letter. She was a hoot. She was 96, and in one letter she let me know that she and her significant other were still "doing it" (having sex). She owned a children's clothing store in Hollywood, CA., in her younger years, and used to tell us all about how certain movie stars would come in and drop thousands of dollars on trinkets for their kids. She was actually friends with some of them. She was just so alive and fun to be around. I will miss her letters. Plus, I recently broke up with my one (and only) Dominant. There was a finality to that situation that does not allow for any hope of ever re-uniting. I just feel very alone. Not lonely, necessarily - but very, very alone and separated from other people. And I have been feeling this way all week. I was surrounded by people for the past two days (at my aunt's funeral and wake), and I may have well been on top of Mt. Everest, by myself, for everything I was feeling on the inside. Also, last February, I lost my husband of 15 years. While my marriage was indeed a challenge (at best), I do still miss parts of him, and the memories of good times we once had. I am so weirded out by this holiday this year. I just can't get into it. I didn't even put up a Christmas tree this year, and I still have Thanksgiving decorations in my living and dining rooms. There isn't even a Christmas wreath on my front door. I am just not feeling the spirit of the season in the "party sense". I do always donate a hefty chunk of change (for me) to charities at this time of year - that hasn't changed at all (of course, I do that on a regular basis - it's part of my life anyway, year round). I did manage to get presents for my family and close friends. I made some chocolate fudge for my neighbors. I mailed some cards, and bought gifts for the children at the volunteer place where I work. Other than that, I've not done much about Christmas. I am not trying to sound like a pity case. I am normally fairly independent. But - I have to say it. This particular Christmas just plain sucks. I can't wait for it to just be over. My sister suggested I go to Cancun, Mexico, over Christmas this year - the way our entire family did right after my mother died three years ago. Just plain vacate the country and get away from it all. I thought about doing that, but then, my aunt died, and I've got a few close friends who literally have nobody else except me in their lives, and I feel like I should stay here and have dinner with them. Which I don't mind doing, really. So I am holed up in my house with my two dogs eating popcorn and watching re-runs of "It's a Wonderful Life" trying to get into the "spirit" of it all. And it's pretty damned hard to do this year. I guess I am just feeling sort of sad. Sorry to be such a downer. Feel free to ignore this letter. I know the new year will be better. My whole life is going to change - I just know it. it has to - it's in this mode where I've got no choice, anymore, about that, almost. Anyway, good things are coming - I can feel it. 2007 is going to be a banner year for me. Good things are coming. Anyway, thanks for listening. There really isn't anything anyone can do about how I feel. I just really, really needed to get this off my chest. Again, I am normally much cheerier (and I do consider myself an optimist), so thanks for cutting me some slack just this one time. -Susan

juliaoceania -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 9:25:55 PM)
After my father passed away when I was 13 there were literally years that went by that I did not celebrate Christmas. In fact the first Christmas I celebrated after his death was my son's first, so I understand how you feel.

diamonddreamlove -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 9:29:19 PM)
Susan i understand too well how you are feeling. My marriage was quite a challenge towards the end. He died suddenly on July 30, 2006. I didn't do anything Thanksgiving except cry and decided that perhaps putting up a tree would make Christmas better. Instead i had a major melt down today. I am a member of For Widows Only and would recommend that group for support through the days to come. Without them i wold really be in bad shape as if this is good shape. Anyway try to be kind to yourself it is dificult to make new traditions when you just don't give a rats behind.

SusanofO -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 9:38:07 PM)
Thanks for the lovely support, I appreciate it - you don't know how much, either, probably. diamonddreamlove, you have my sympathy. I truly can empathize with you. May you find some peace of mind this Christmas. juliaoceania, you are always so sweet and supportive. I hope that never changes - it's one of your best qualities, as far as I can tell. Hope your holiday is a good one. I think I may just go take a nap in a few minutes. These past three days have completely worn me out. I appreciate the kind words. - Susan

popeye1250 -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 10:09:38 PM)
My mother passed away on Dec 21st in 1993 so this is kind of a tough time of the year for me and my brothers and sister. There's lots of single people here who don't have family in this area and they get together. I'm cooking an eight pound rib roast and taking it over to a friend's house and her "boyfriend" will be there and they're making all the other fixings. She's making all the vegetables and he's doing something else. I kind of went wild in an Italian bakery and spent $75 on all kinds of pastries, connolies, cookies etc. We all have our own houses but we're meeting at her house and there will be a few other people there as well, all single. Susan, I had a relative who used to send everyone a long letter every Christmas too telling us what had transpired over the year. She was a professor at U.Mass and taught science and biology. She was my mother's cousin and fun to be around. I guess writing a yearly letter like that used to be a tradition or something as I've heard of many people doing that in years past. It's good that you have friends who you can hangout with, that'll help you get through the holidays. I give to charities too but I do lighten up a little around the holidays because a lot more people give then. They really need donations in July when everyone's on vacation. I read an article that said that most food pantries are overflowing during this time of year.

krikket -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 10:18:36 PM)
Hugs to each who find this a difficult time of year -- for what ever reason. Sometimes it helps to be with others, other times i need a quite time to think or cry or rest; slowly i'm learning to listen to that inner voice and follow my instinct. Peace and love to all... m

SusanofO -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 10:19:07 PM)
krikket: Thanks for the kind words. Happy holidays. I am glad you won't be alone at Christmas, popeye. The dinner you are going to sounds like fun (and it sounds like you have dessert covered, hehe). I am going to my father's house. This is the first year my dad has wanted to have Christmas dinner at his place since my mother died, so it's a big deal. He said he was going to make the ham or turkey and everything else, too - but since my dad can hardly boil water (although he has other outstanding qualities, to be sure), my sister stepped in and she and I are making most of the food. I always go to midnight mass at church, and this year, I am going to mass alone because at my church there is this fantastic soloist (singer) at midnight mass at my church, and I really like listening to her sing. Her voice really is opera-quality, which is pretty rare. Nobody else in my family really cares about hearing her, so they are going to their own churches. There will be about 10 of us at dinner - my dad, two sisters, and their kids. We usually eat about 1 or 2pm, and then open gifts. Later that day, I am taking a gal friend of mine out to dinner and we are exchanging gifts. Maybe after that, we will see a movie or something. Happy holidays! - Susan

ownedgirlie -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 10:52:43 PM)
I am glad for this thread, and hopefully after I spew out all that this last year has challenged me with I can add something constructive from a conversation I had with my mother tonight. In February an uncle of mine - one I was extremely close with - died of cancer. He lived in Barcelona. I had the opportunity to visit him and say goodbye a year before he died (he "should not have lived" another year). He called me few days before he died to say an official goodbye, and to remember I am strong, full of hope, and need to experience the joys of life. He was my mom's younger brother. In April my Dad began his decline from cancer, as it matasticized to his bones. I spent many nights in the hospital with him, and cared for him with my mother. Watching a death of bone cancer is almost as excrutiating as the person dying of it. I am still recovering from many things that happened during his illness. We had a most beautiful conversation the day before he died, and his last words to me as I curled up into his chest on his hospital bed were, "You will always be my baby girl." He died in August. One week after he died, my sister in law died of cancer. A month after that, my doctor discovered two tumors in my breast, had them biopsied which proved them benign, but one of the incision marks became horribly infected and took over a month to heal. Earlier this month I finally filed for divorce from my husband, who began to exhibit unstable behavior. Now he harrasses me and threatens to kill himself if I don't come home. Two weeks ago my aunt died of cancer - my mom's older sister. I've been holding my mom up, and began managing her finances as my dad always took care of that. It has been time consuming and stressful, but her gratitude is amazing. I started school again for the first time in 20 years, at my Master's order, and have brought home three A's so far. Thanksgiving was difficult, as was my birthday without a call from my Dad. Christmas will also be hard and his birthday is just a few days after. I have made arrangements to be with my Master next week, and won't be home for Dad's birthday. I told my mom this tonight, concerned she would be upset. I told her I just can't handle any more grief. She said "Dad is gone. We must keep living. We will never stop missing him. We will never stop loving him. But we can not stop living. By all means, there is no reason to stay home and mourn him on his birthday. You go be happy; he would want no less for you." And that's really it. We suffer loss, we grieve, but we must never stop living and reaching for joy. And so this Christmas I will celebrate hope, joy and love, and I will be with the most amazing and loving family I could ever hope to have. There is a lot to live for, and so much beauty in life. To be blinded to that would be a tragedy. So to those suffering loss, do not deny your loss, but do not forget to embrace life, either. I wish all of you a Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, and Joyous whatever it is you celebrate. Happy New Years as well - and may next year bring more joy to all of us.

SusanofO -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 10:59:28 PM)
wow, ownedgirlie, youve had a jam-packed emotional year, that's for sure. My empathy is with you. My mother, too, before she died, told all of us to go on living. This year, my father started "dating" (although he still doesn't call it that, he says things that are euphemisms, like: "We go out", etc.). His new "friend," Judy, is a peach - my mother would like her. She used to be a nurse, so she keeps him mindful of nutrition, etc. I am glad that's happened for him. Congratulations on the A's in school. I always thought you were smart. Happy holidays! - Susan

ownedgirlie -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 11:21:26 PM)
Thanks, Susan. Sometimes we can get so bogged down in our grief we forget the good things we are surrounded by. And thanks for the congratulations :) It's been quite a challenge to keep up!!

SusanofO -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 11:30:06 PM)
ownedgirlie: You're welcome. You are such a sweetie. - Susan

ownedgirlie -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/23/2006 11:46:13 PM)
[sm=dance.gif] (there wasn't an aww shucks blushy face so I am using this, since you made me smile)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/24/2006 12:00:26 AM)
Our family goes through grief by getting together and celebrating "as usual" and usually we talk LOADS about the people who aren't with us anymore. It's our way of remembering them and dealing with it all together. It might be sad at times with a few tears and tons of hugs, but no one is left alone and no one feels like they can't talk about something. Specially with small children around, we want them to grow up with knowledge of past family members and have a connection to their past. But that's just our family- I'm sure for some people getting away is a great choice, or going out and volunteering to help gain perspective on what to feel grateful for, or going out with friends.

Rayne58 -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/24/2006 1:06:02 AM)
My father died in March 2005. Luckily I was able to fly back to New Zealand to visit him in December 04 when he started to deteriorate. I miss him every day, especially on his birthday, Fathers Day and Christmas. He had a wonderful sense of humour and I was always his special girl, his "chicken".[:)] I have told Master stories about him (they never met in person) and He says He would have liked my Dad a lot - maybe I have subconsciously found myself a "father figure"[;)] I have no family here in Australia. They are all back in New Zealand - my mother, brother and his family in Christchurch, and my grown kids are with my ex husband and his family where I used to live in the North Island. However I have been "adopted" by Master's family and friends so even though it won't be the same as being with my own family, I do feel like I belong here too. There were two horror Christmases in between the time I left my husband and when I migrated to Australia....one I thought I would have to spend alone but my daughter came to spend the day with me even though she missed Christmas with her other family. She refused to let her mum be alone at Christmas (she was 15 at the time). [sm=flying.gif]

SusanofO -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/24/2006 2:04:37 AM)
LA: The thing about talking about the people who have died is a good idea. My family does that, too (sort of, depends on their mood). My dad is freaking out lately, because lately when we've gone on family vacations and such, I've brought along a casette tape recorder to tape record his voice during these kinds of conversations. I will start out by saying something like: "Tell me what it was like when you were a little boy, and there was no tv, dad"....and he will just talk into it, even though he thinks it's "morbid". When we were small children, my dad was so maternal (for a guy) it was wonderful. Much, much moreso than my mother (who was Hitler-esque, shall we say, as far as her child-rearing techniques, much of the time. I miss a lot of things about my mother - her wit, her ability to hold an intelligent conversation, her charm, but - when I and my sisters were small, she wasn't exactly what I'd call maternally inclined). My dad is a big tough guy, (if he were "into" bdsm, he'd be a Dominant, I am sure) - but he has this amazing streak of empathy that is so wonderful to behold. Anyway - my dad used to get us all in his king-sized bed about an hour before bed-time, and then he would say to us: "Girls! It's story-time. Each of you name an animal, and I will tell you a story with all of your animals in it. You can even give them names, if you want." My father had such a fabulous imagination - his stories were great, and they went on for what seemed like hours (but of course, they did not). He made up songs about animals, too (he is a big nature-lover). He made up a song about an animal called: "Larry the snake", with cute lyrics, that we tease him about, today (he sang it for us a few years ago, on Thanksgiving - he even broke his old guitar out of the bedroom closet, so he could accompany it with actual music). My sisters and I used to tease my dad when we were girls, because he only had one hair on his chest. One time, my sisters and I named his one chest hair. We named it "Robert" (ha!). He also has a birthmark shaped like South America on his back, and we tease him about that, too. He claims he's never seen it, (even in a mirror) because he just "isn't all that curious" about what it looks like. When my father dies, a part of me will die, that will never, ever recover. I just know it. A girl, to me, is simply, totally and completely lost without her Daddy. My father worked at Boystown his entire career - and whenever people asked him if he minded not having sons, he would usually say: "Boys? Who needs boys? I see them all day long! Girls - especially my own - are so much more special." And then, we would all just beam (my sisters and I). He is a world-class hugger, too. Rayne: I am so glad you are spending Christmas with someone you love who loves you back. Family, or whatever is passing for family is just so important. I truly feel badly for people who have nobody (and I know some of those people, too). God bless and happy Holydays, everyone! - Susan

KatyLied -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/24/2006 5:48:52 AM)
My grandmother died on Christmas Eve. I always find myself thinking of her on this day. She was terminally ill and made all of her funeral arrangements ahead of time (including the Bible readings and music). As a family we gathered on Christmas Eve and all we had to do was order flowers (it took a few calls to get that done on a holiday).

RosaB -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/24/2006 6:06:59 AM)
Susan I so understand how you feel, I started to post right after you posted this thread, but my pc froze up. (I know my best bud was visiting those sites i've deemed of limit which seem to cause this ocurrance .... the pc only freezes up when she visited those idiodic sites....[:(]) All of my closest family members that made this the most special time of year have passed, plus three of my dearly departed siblings have birthdays a few days apart Dec30, Jan 1st and Jan 6. Yeah this is a very difficult time of year. Not as difficult as it once was, I used to find myself in crying fits the first couple of years after my sister and brother with the Jan birthdays parted from this earth. They also passed about five months apart. After my parents in all four siblings passed away at much too young of an age. What makes missing them so much more, not only this time of year, is that my siblings were the kind of people you just don't come across on a regular basis, they were the kind of people that would share their last piece of bread with a stranger, they represented everything that is positive about the meaning of what I felt makes the holidays wonderful. Our family gatherings were something to look forward to, not something to dread. I have friends to spend the holidays with, and one very long time friend that tries her best to make the season enjoyable for all, but I have to admit, it is work on my part to get into the spirit. How I miss my loved ones, but I'm really trying to make the best out of the hand that's been delt. May you and all have a joyous day tomorrow and the rest of the season, in spite of our the painful losses. Rosa

SusanofO -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/24/2006 6:15:05 AM)
Rosa: Wow, you've lost a lot of people in your life! Ouch!! I know it's going to be difficlut, but I am hoping it gets easier with time (it has with my mother's death. She passed away three years ago, of lung cancer). I hope you have a peaceful holiday and find a way to make it meaningful for yourself in a good way, Rosa. Katy: Wow, what a considerate grandmother! I think that is a wonderful idea - makes me think I'd want to do something like that. Why put other people through all that trauma of making funeral arrangements, etc., if it's not necessary? My aunt is being cremated, and it was kind of a relief not to have to stand out in a cold cemetery after tha funeral mass to have her bureid. She is just going to be cremated, and then my cousins will keep the urn with her ashes at one of their houses. - Susan

wandersalone -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/24/2006 6:37:49 AM)
Christmas day will be the 6th anniversary of my much loved brother's death. I have already written a letter for him which I will take down to the cemetery when I go there with my parents and other brother. Even now my parents are still so shattered by his loss. Usually we go to one of the hotels and have christmas lunch but for the first time since my brother died we will be having a small gathering at home. We all feel like we are walking on eggshells at the moment and the tears are rarely far away.We are lucky though as we talk about my brother a lot and share stories about him and we smile through our tears as we remember the gentle, kind son, brother, husband and father that he was. This year was my turn to have some major medical health scares so after 4 stays in hospital I am hoping that 2007 will be a much better one for me (even my surgeon has told me he doesn't want to see me again!). I wish all of you comfort and solace, keep the memories of those who have passed away close to your heart. The pain of their loss does not go away but you do find that the grief is not always so totally overwhelming. Our loved ones would want us to continue to smile and laugh and cry and to continue to live our own lives in a way that honours their memories also. May 2007 bring good health, contentment, joy, smiles and laughter for all of you

ScooterTrash -> RE: Yearning for people who have passed away at Christmas. (12/24/2006 7:44:43 AM)
Maybe it's just because I've been around so long and lived through the passing of so many, but I tend to not dwell on the past and appreciate the present. Certainly many have gone as I will go after them, but I prefer to just remember and smile, rather than be burdened over the thought of the inevitable. If I make it to 96, I certainly wouldn't think anyone should feel bad, like I was ripped off or anything. I would rather they think that I had the opportunity to plant more years of memories and now they have a goal to shoot for. OK, so maybe I'm a bit competitive...lol. Relish the memories; no one can take them away from you.

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