The Dominant/Coach (Full Version)

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TypeAsub1 -> The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 11:35:20 AM)

I wrote this some time ago.  I often use this when someone asks what I am looking for in a relationship and I need to have the ability to link this on my profile.  So often I find that people refer to 'mind/body' connections.. or they refer to capturing the mind - and yet when pressed for some sort of explanation of their "non-sexual" d/s goals, desires and pursuits, they are unable to put it to words.  I tend to believe they don't actually have any real desires for control outside of sexuality and/or haven't ever considered such things.    After trying to find a suitable means of expressing what I am looking for - this has remained a good general example.  It does not address all aspects of the relationship, but it's an excellent example of a portion of the relationship which is significant for me.  YMMV...
--------------------------
A significant focus of a D/s relationship for me is a dynamic that incorporates personal growth, psychology (i.e. behaviour modification), eliminating fears, de-stressing, the pursuit of excellence... and all those things that come (for me) when someone exceptional is given full authority over me. 

When you think about the coaches for Olympic and professional atheletes or you will find tough, domineering, all encompassing people who push their charges to excel. They go beyond the scope of just the sport and reach into their psyche to understand what motivates that person, they guide how they eat, what they do, how they think, they motivate, punish, push, pull back, give breaks, reward performance.. they do everything I want a Dom to do.   This need not be confused with 'micro-management'.  They aren't sitting over top the athlete spoon feeding him - they are managing the overall program, attitude and direction of the athlete.

So I want someone who will excercise that kind of control over me. And also be my lover, friend, sexual slavemastah! I want them to get inside my skin and brain and make me think and discover and succeed at everything as best as I can.  I should perhaps qualify this by indicating that even the most driven coaches, will recognize realistic expectations and impossible ones - and be capable of identifying the unique challenges and possibilities for each individual they are responsible for.

Now that's a pretty tall order for most anyone. But I find very few people really get into this kind of relationship and then you have some who "claim" to know what I mean and may understand it, but are clueless as to how to achieve it. They have never read a book about how people behave, how the brain works,  and they seem to have no intuitive sense of human behaviour.  It concerns me when someone indicates a desire to assert this kind of control and yet has zero knowledge of how to actually plan and achieve that goal on a general/macro level. (yes I recognize that the micro level plan will be unique to each individual)

I recognize now how uncommon this is.  So few people seek this kind of complete ownership of the mind and heart.  And to be fair, this isn't easy-mode d/s.  This is all encompassing and it requires someone whose real kink is control.  A dominant looking for this kind of relationship needs to choose well - as does the submissive.  There is a danger that one or both could become tired.. or even make themselves obsolete in the process.  A Dom needs to find a submissive who is achievement oriented, but, it's alot of work to maintain that focus.   There are many other dangers and clearly when we're looking at such an overwhelming degree of control, the ability to choose very well is paramount for both parties.

How many of you seek this kind of relationship?  How many of you imagine it, but have decided it is not 'your thing'?  How many of you actually know people who have this kind of relationship?

And for the Doms - how many of you who seek this kind of relationship (assuming there are any here who do)  have actually taken steps to prepare yourself or train yourself to be capable of managing this kind of relationship?  What specifically did you do in those preparations.  

And for everyone who is intrigued by this kind of relationship?  What ocurred that made you aware that this was exactly what you wanted and needed?

--------------------------------

A couple notes.  Someone previously commented (elsewhere) that this was too focused on the submissive.  Not so - this is about the Dom.  The ways in which he changes and/or molds the submissive are entirely his choice.  If he wants her to become an expert in Japanese cuisine, she learns that.  If he wants her to play the harp.. she learns that.   Certainly the submissive nature is fed in the process of meeting achievements - but the specifics of the achievements are entirely driven by the dominant of the relationship based on his preferences, desires and needs...



akbarbarian -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 11:47:19 AM)

I have a bit of coach in me.  I enjoy training people at the gym, and pushing them to reveal their nature or strengths to the fullest whatever that might be.  I also helped put my ex through a year of college.  Got her set up as a phone sex operator.  Cut her hair.  Managed her clothing and makeup style.  Sure people like...me...are out there [:)]
[sm=hello.gif]

One caveat.  I do not get off on allowing someone else to set goals and then try to help them accomplish it.  If that was the case, I'd feel no sense of control or accomplishment.



akbarbarian -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 11:49:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1
What ocurred that made you aware that this was exactly what you wanted and needed?

Pure instinct for me.  I'm told as a toddler, I tried once to teach a baby how to crawl. 



MaryT -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 12:08:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1
This is all encompassing and it requires someone whose real kink is control. 


That is what "dom" means in my mind - someone with a control kink.  For someone not so kinked, I imagine having a submissive would be exhausting - lol. 

I related with what you said that it is not necessarily sexual - sex is a good thing in *any* relationship.  Just something to think about:  I am imagining a dom who has his own ideas about what he wants, and you seem to have very strong ideas of what you want a dom to want. 

I'm not looking to be driven into submission, but rather for someone who makes me want to go there.  I don't think having read a book on how the brain works would be nearly as helpful as someone who understands how he works first, and how I work second.

Your screen name is very fitting.  [:)]  I'm a Type A, 4.0 student - performance-oriented (which is really a long-winded way of saying "people pleasing.")  I think submission, in my case anyway, is an addiction to approval as much as anything else.

MaryT



TypeAsub1 -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 12:21:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaryT

That is what "dom" means in my mind - someone with a control kink.  For someone not so kinked, I imagine having a submissive would be exhausting - lol. 

I related with what you said that it is not necessarily sexual - sex is a good thing in *any* relationship.  Just something to think about:  I am imagining a dom who has his own ideas about what he wants, and you seem to have very strong ideas of what you want a dom to want. 

Sex is a very good thing and in an ideal world I would enjoy bdsm kink and a d/s dynamic.  However, for some the sexuality is the only place they choose to practice any form of d/s within their relationship.  That's not enough for me... and in fact, I couldn't submit physically without the application of d/s in the other areas of our lives.
quote:


I'm not looking to be driven into submission, but rather for someone who makes me want to go there.  I don't think having read a book on how the brain works would be nearly as helpful as someone who understands how he works first, and how I work second.

Mine isn't so much about being driven either.. although certainly that can be an aspect of it.  It's much more subtle.   I do agree with your point regarding knowing oneself - and that's why I mentioned the 'intuitive sense' of knowledge.  However, I do think there 'can be' a benefit to understanding basic principals of brain function and behaviour modification.   Is it necessary?  Perhaps not - but it can be helpful and I am always interested in someone who aspires to gain more knowledge and education.. in anything really.

quote:

Your screen name is very fitting.  [:)]  I'm a Type A, 4.0 student - performance-oriented (which is really a long-winded way of saying "people pleasing.")  I think submission, in my case anyway, is an addiction to approval as much as anything else.

MaryT


Mary - you are a smart cookie!  I can't tell you how many times people have told me that my name is contradictory.  They didn't see the correlation between people pleaser and TypeA..  It makes perfect sense to me (and apparently you)..

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 



Grlwithboy -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 12:50:17 PM)

For me, I choose aspects I believe need to be worked on heavily - I generally leave people to their strengths and benefit from them if they're my property, but if there's something I'm better at than they are I push my sleeves up and regulate a bit -- seemingly gently/invisibly if possible.

If it's not my forte AND it's not their forte, (financial planning anyone?) I enlist pros or books or friends who are smart about that thing. I've seen many a disaster in which someone likes control and because it makes them hot they think they are fit to make all decisions about everything, including the things they are clueless about. Eeek. I'd rather admit my weaknesses and move on to things I really kick butt at.

Type A people tend to dig in heels if the management is too transparent and doesn't respect their intellect, and respond well to ideas that almost feel like they were their own to begin with. I am a control freak, but the best moments have been when the slave looks at me and seems astonished that I *knew* somehow, when I was reading the cues.



MaryT -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 1:23:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1
Sex is a very good thing and in an ideal world I would enjoy bdsm kink and a d/s dynamic.  However, for some the sexuality is the only place they choose to practice any form of d/s within their relationship.  That's not enough for me... and in fact, I couldn't submit physically without the application of d/s in the other areas of our lives.
quote:



Yes, I totally agree.  I want to be thoroughly engaged - my brain insists upon it.  I really love sex, but anyone can poke anything in any hole at any time, but it's not D/s.  I have submitted physically (whipping, flogging, impact play) without the D/s (or even sexual) element, and it works the same way.  It is an empty experience, at least it was for me.  People said I was a pain slut, when in reality I was bored and thinking, "Dear God, there must be more to it than this?"

quote:

Mine isn't so much about being driven either.. although certainly that can be an aspect of it.  It's much more subtle.   I do agree with your point regarding knowing oneself - and that's why I mentioned the 'intuitive sense' of knowledge.  However, I do think there 'can be' a benefit to understanding basic principals of brain function and behaviour modification.   Is it necessary?  Perhaps not - but it can be helpful and I am always interested in someone who aspires to gain more knowledge and education.. in anything really.


I very much understand that.  He needs to be smart, or I will be running him (even if I don't want to).  I am really drawn to people (in 'nila life - both men and women) who read a lot because TV can't compare, those who love learning and love teaching.  I'm not sure which I would love most - being a professional student or a college professor.  [:)]

quote:

Mary - you are a smart cookie!  I can't tell you how many times people have told me that my name is contradictory.  They didn't see the correlation between people pleaser and TypeA..  It makes perfect sense to me (and apparently you).


It does make perfect sense.   I think there is some silly idea floating that a submissive should be formless and thoughtless - like a brainless robot or something.   The other irksome thing I find sometimes (especially in what I've read about Gorean stuff - which could have given me the wrong impression) is that a submissive should be minimally communicative.  What's up with that?  I like communication - it's everything to me. [:)]



KnightofMists -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 1:28:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1
And for the Doms - how many of you who seek this kind of relationship (assuming there are any here who do)  have actually taken steps to prepare yourself or train yourself to be capable of managing this kind of relationship?  What specifically did you do in those preparations.  


I am kind speak for your kind of relationship... I an only speak to mine!

I don't hold to the mantra of  Power exchange... my relationship is about Power Enhancement Relationships.  It is all about being the best me, we that me and we can be.  It is not about just learning to flog better or pour a glass of water better.  Improving skills is indeed important... but first it is about improving the character of a person.  Establishing standards of character that is admired and strong.  Demonstrated behaviors that are manifest from these very character strengths of the person.  Understanding the motivating factors of behaviors for a person.  Learning how to manage the motivation factors so that the desired behaviors will result.  It all seems rather simple... but it is never an exact science.  Read books and discuss with experts to understand the psyche of a person and be sure that you will not know what you need to know at some given moment.  Knowledge of the person is always a learning experience.  What you know now serves you will in what you experienced in the past, but it only useful if you enjoy the past in some future moment.  Being able to a given moment to be able to manage some better future moment is very much a combination of knowledge, skill, artistic talent, intutitive instincts and just plain luck to name a few.

You questions are valid... but the answer you seek would take hours to answer and you would never really get the complete answer.  It took me my life of growth to get to where I am... it will take the rest of my life to grow and get to where I am going.



TypeAsub1 -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 1:42:43 PM)

If one of us were a Domme - we'd be in love [;)]

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaryT
I very much understand that.  He needs to be smart, or I will be running him (even if I don't want to).  I am really drawn to people (in 'nila life - both men and women) who read a lot because TV can't compare, those who love learning and love teaching.  I'm not sure which I would love most - being a professional student or a college professor.  [:)]
.....  I like communication - it's everything to me. [:)]




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 2:14:37 PM)

The fun part is that a lot of subs and slaves make excellent trainers and coaches, are very goal oriented and can be extremely dominant in social situations.

It's great when both the slave AND the master can train and coach eachother to become better people.  I know those are the relationships I gravitate towards.



Devilslilsister -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 3:18:59 PM)

i think its something your parents should of done and you took over as you reached maturity.  We should be pushing ourselves to succeed and "make something of our selves"

that should be "our" goal for ourselves.  Not some one elses goal for us.  We should be our own coach.  Not sit around and wait for some one to come "fix us, make us better, and teach us to be adults" 

That being said, i've gone very far in the past 2 years with the help of my Dom (and cm).  I think my point is : never look for or expect anyone to fix you, make things right, teach you x, y, z, motivate you or help you grow up right.  



TypeAsub1 -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 3:46:36 PM)

Heh.. would you care to rethink your comments?

To aspire to excellence is to recognize that we always achieve more when we are open to accepting the guidance and/or assistance of others.  Teachers & mentors are an essential part of life.  Without them civilization as we know it - would not exist.

Most people would regard me as an extremely capable and accomplished woman.  As a sales rep I was consistently in the top 3 performers of my company for almost a decade - and yet, I always took more courses in sales, took opportunities to work with other reps in the company, studied organizational behaviour, behaviour modification, and management.  That's how I continued to grow each year.  Now as a manager, I am having excellent results... Again, I continue to seek out professionals whose skills can assist me in the ongoing process of self improvement and the pursuit of excellence.   It would be absurd to think I can not learn more from others.

If we are incapable of recognizing the value of learning, support, guidance and mentorship - we are incapable of any real improvement.  D/s is merely another means of pursuing excellence (and fun - which is also excellent).  The motivation to strive for excellence comes from many things (human nature, upbringing, etc.).. the relationship provides a vehicle to fulfill those various desires and motivations.  When we fulfill those desires - we have the incredible opportunity to enjoy unparalleled rewards.  

This kind of relationship may not be your thing.. so be it.  But do not assume that simply because some people seek it, that they are somehow 'broken' or lacking in self motivation or proper parenting as a child.  I promise you.. the people who look for this kind of relationship are quite possibly very successful and well adjusted in the other areas of their life.  To make such an assertion is both arrogant and ignorant. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

i think its something your parents should of done and you took over as you reached maturity.  We should be pushing ourselves to succeed and "make something of our selves"

that should be "our" goal for ourselves.  Not some one elses goal for us.  We should be our own coach.  Not sit around and wait for some one to come "fix us, make us better, and teach us to be adults" 

That being said, i've gone very far in the past 2 years with the help of my Dom (and cm).  I think my point is : never look for or expect anyone to fix you, make things right, teach you x, y, z, motivate you or help you grow up right.  



Devilslilsister -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 4:04:32 PM)

quote:

Heh.. would you care to rethink your comments?


i'm always open

quote:

To aspire to excellence is to recognize that we always achieve more when we are open to accepting the guidance and/or assistance of others.  Teachers & mentors are an essential part of life.  Without them civilization as we know it - would not exist.


i agree.    Yet my point is - it is not wise to go about seeking or expecting others to guide or assist.  I never said to turn your back on help. 

i did also say   That being said, i've gone very far in the past 2 years with the help of my Dom (and cm)

quote:

D/s is merely another means of pursuing excellence


i completely agree, its one of the reasons why i like it so much. 

quote:

But do not assume that simply because some people seek it, that they are somehow 'broken' or lacking in self motivation or proper parenting as a child.


no offense, but i didnt assume anything.  You actually assumed that i assumed.  I didnt make any comment on "people" 

quote:

think its something your parents


thats something i said and i guess its my fault for not making it a general "you" as i intended.  My post wasnt personal.  My apologies for not stating that clearly. 

quote:

To make such an assertion is both arrogant and ignorant. 


Well i think you misunderstood me, but i have been known to be arrogant and i've also been ignorant at times.  Duly noted.

P.S.  I come here to learn among many other things.  I have a Master as well.  I learn much from both.  Yet - i never expect it of anyone.  When i met my Master i did not expect him to help me come the distant i've come. 

My point with your whole conception of "expectation"  i think its unfair to expect anyone to "fix us".  That is my responsibility and a wonderful gift from others who do help.   Not something that i would consider a standard.  Its Not their job.  Its mine.





MaryT -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 4:14:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

no offense, but i didnt assume anything.  You actually assumed that i assumed. 


I was having this exact conversation with someone on these boards just last night.  [:D]

quote:

My point with your whole conception of "expectation"  i think its unfair to expect anyone to "fix us".  That is my responsibility and a wonderful gift from others who do help.   Not something that i would consider a standard.  Its Not their job.  Its mine.


Yes, and the better job you do, the better Dom you will want (and attract).  Good for you!

I don't think the OP was talking so much about "fixing" as pushing.  In the first case, one assumes that something broken and in need of repair.  The other assumes that something works just fine but is not running full bore.

MaryT



Grlwithboy -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 4:22:41 PM)

Actually, as LA intimated, there's a component of recognizing individual strengths that pushes me and my submissive as a *unit* toward more "quality" than either of us would get to on our own in this case.



TypeAsub1 -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 4:32:49 PM)

I apologize if I misunderstood your comments.

With regards to expectations?  We all have them.  Different people, will have different expectations of the different people in their lives.  I most certainly have an expectation that the D in my life will bring certain things to the table.  If I didn't.. I could submit to anyone at all and it would be equally fulfilling regardless of who he was.  That'd make finding someone SO much easier [;)]  And - man - that'd be nice.

I do expect that whomever I get involved with will have the ability, and more importantly an undeniable desire, to assume that mentor/teacher/manager role.  Certainly they can't be expected to be an expert or advisor in everything.  No one person is going to have that ability.  It is, however, an element of the d/s relationship that really appeals to my nature.. and therefore should also be a part of his nature and his kink.

Soo yes - there's a fair amount of expectation on my part.  However, that also means there's an even greater amount of expectation on his part that I will be required to live up to.  That's the fun of it.



KnightofMists -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 4:36:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister
P.S.  I come here to learn among many other things. 


and I have watched you grow and evolve since I first seen you on the boards....  It's a pleasure to watch the growth.



akbarbarian -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 5:34:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

i think its something your parents should of done and you took over as you reached maturity.  We should be pushing ourselves to succeed and "make something of our selves"

that should be "our" goal for ourselves.  Not some one elses goal for us.  We should be our own coach.  Not sit around and wait for some one to come "fix us, make us better, and teach us to be adults" 

That being said, i've gone very far in the past 2 years with the help of my Dom (and cm).  I think my point is : never look for or expect anyone to fix you, make things right, teach you x, y, z, motivate you or help you grow up right.  

I think by looking for help, and actively participating in the persuit of betterment of whatever sort, isn't really being passive and waiting to be fixed.  As long as your motor turns over when your "coach" floors your gas pedal, you're certainly not idle and irresponsible. 



Devilslilsister -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 8:15:57 PM)

Type - thank you for stating your point better for me and i do agree with you up until a point.  <smiles> 

quote:

and I have watched you grow and evolve since I first seen you on the boards....  It's a pleasure to watch the growth.


Thank you, that means alot coming from you



pixelslave -> RE: The Dominant/Coach (12/24/2006 10:59:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

Actually, as LA intimated, there's a component of recognizing individual strengths that pushes me and my submissive as a *unit* toward more "quality" than either of us would get to on our own in this case.


It sounds like you're referring to a synergy, which is something I also seek in a relationship with a Domme.  I'd like to be with a woman who can look within me to find the right triggers, etc., and will work with me to guide me toward becoming a better man.  In doing so, she gets a better sub, and we jointly benefit together as a couple; becoming more than we would as the sum of two individuals working on their own. 
 
 - pixel



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