poly relationship

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

poly relationship

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Introductions] >> Introduce yourself >> poly relationship

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

poly relationship - 2/21/2005 5:08:06 PM

sweetforYou

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

hello, i am a novice slave...novice in all aspects of this lifestyle. i now have a Master for about 3 months now...i dearly want to be with Him i want to be everything to Him, His partener...lover...friend and SLAVE...can i be all to Him??? He is poly, i am not i am searching for advice on how to adjust to poly if You are not...i am His and i want to remain His...but i also want to keep my sanity...and not be jealous...i want to be the alpha slave to Him but He has said...we are all the same...i believe if i knew i was what i considered the most important...i would be ok...i have an intense desire to be with Him and stay with Him...this is the reason i am searching and almost begging for advice i want to survive with Him and keep U/us both happy. i consider myself lucky that He is taking the time for me to learn & adjust to His lifestyle

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: poly relationship - 2/23/2005 5:24:25 AM

theroebabe

Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline

Hi and welcome to the forums at CM!

We appreciate when new members say hello on the forums, we love to talk here.

I think you will get more feed back if you post this same question to the General BDSM section of the forums. For mer personally I am wired towards poly, that being said i would not want it to be in my home, until i was very secure in my primary relationship, It takes a lot of time and trust.

some people are not wired that way and it may not be possible for you, but you dont know that yet. So my advice is to go slowly, ask calm questions, meet the person as soon as possibel and try to build a friendship with the other(s) and then let it be what it is. Good luck.

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to sweetforYou)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: poly relationship - 2/23/2005 12:05:44 PM

Cyis75

Posts: 164
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: Georgia
Status: offline

I'll join roe in welcoming you, as well as applaud you for trying to take the time to educate yourself... Like roe, I am also wired for poly and have come to realize that some people are not. I've been in relationships where that has caused lots of drama and turmoil. The poly situations I've seen work out seem to have a few key things in common. First of all lots of communication, without this I think any relationship (let alone poly) is doomed. That said there has to be a lot of trust and honesty between everyone involved. The hardest part I would say is being able to acknowledge and deal with emotions in a postive way rather than negative or destructive.

Talking more on the latter as I get the impression from the OP that is a concern of yours. First off you gotta admit we're all human and emotions are human. You're going to have emotional conflicts within yourself and that's not to say it's a bad thing, just that you're a living, breathing human being. Jealous is an emotion, you either let it control you or you control it. There are both positive and negative ways to deal with it that will each have their own effects. Just like any other emotion you deal with in a D/s or M/s relationship you figure out an appropriate way to deal with them that allows you to remain true to who you are. Poly is just adding another level of complexity to that. If you can acknowledge the jealous moments and try to determine what's causing that emotion to surface you then have a good starting point to openly discuss it and find a way to make it work.

That sounds all nice and good, but is rarely as easy to live. Even in my current relationship we routinely have to sit and talk about emotions that come up and we're both wired for poly. In my past relationship that ended horrifically, she was not wired for poly (quite the opposite) but tried to become more open to it. Unfortunately it never worked out, hence past relationship, but issues regarding poly were not the only problems within the relationship. Safe to just say it was an explosive relationship that I am thankful to have been able to put behind me before it got even worse.

Above all you need to be honest with yourself! As roe mentioned and I've repeated some people are wired for poly some are not. Those that are not wired for it can change if it's truly what they want. Society has had it's fair part in pushing that monogamy is the right way to go, but society isn't always right all the time. I would caution you to make sure you're doing it for your own reasons because without that I would fear it'll be hard for you and as you fear strain your sanity. In either event I wish you the best and sounds like he's accepting of the fact this is unchartered territory for you and not pushing.

(in reply to sweetforYou)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: poly relationship - 2/23/2005 12:07:50 PM

lateralist

Posts: 10
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

Hi. Thankyou for posting your fears. I am a polyamorous Domme and I am always concerned about how each person is viewing the other relationship. My view is that it is firstly my responsibility to be open about my nature before a sub commits to me. This is of course very difficult because at the beginning I don't know what a sub or slave needs to know but I would think that being polyamorous is one of the things that every sub would want to know and was one of the first things I talked about at length with my husband before I embarked on becoming part of the BDSM lifestyle. However knowing is not really enough. When we first start in a relationsip we think that we can put up with the things we dislike and sometimes find that we can't. Therefore both your Dom and you need to actively work at your feeling comfortable about it. You are admitting your fears which is the first step to overcoming them. Have you admitted them to your Dom? He should be helping you anyway but sometimes you will have to take the initiative at asking for help. Which is of course the hardest thing for a submissive to do.
I have been with my submissive lover now for a few months and only recently have I put my husband in a situation where he would talk to my sub. I had told them both that this is what I wanted and then the right opportunity occurred as my husband needed my subs help to get back on-line. We started with a three way conversation and gradually I backed out and left the boys to talk computers.
Of course every situation is different but now I feel more able to talk to my husband about my sub. My sub wishes that he was mine alone so does my husband but in time I hope they will appreciate the benefits as well as the downfalls for them. The major one of course is that I am much happier. I hope in time that I will find another sub and that they can both accept him or her into their lives. These things always take time and assistance.
I hope I can live up to their faith in me. I will always do my very best. I know what they need up to a point but they can't expect me to be a mind reader.
I hope my story helps you to be honest and straightforward with your Dom. I hope he lives up to your trust in him and you to his faith in you. If you find out that you can't do it then tell him straight and tell him why.
Take care
Mistress Lizbeth

(in reply to theroebabe)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: poly relationship - 2/25/2005 4:38:14 AM

GuardianMark

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

Can I ask a question. What if the polyamorous thing is just a way to have sex with different people from time to time, while the Dom keeps his main thing going, talks her into a few side affairs, and never intends to have a true or deep relationship with the slave. I just wonder if subs get played this way.

(in reply to theroebabe)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: poly relationship - 2/25/2005 10:26:24 AM

Cyis75

Posts: 164
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: Georgia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GuardianMark

Can I ask a question. What if the polyamorous thing is just a way to have sex with different people from time to time, while the Dom keeps his main thing going, talks her into a few side affairs, and never intends to have a true or deep relationship with the slave. I just wonder if subs get played this way.

Simple answer would be to the affirmative. There are those in and out of BDSM that use poly as an excuse to cover up cheating and just looking for easy sex. The same could be said about a number of male dominants that use BDSM to seek out easy sex as well. Within any grouping there are going to be bad apples, and those bad apples make it that much harder for those that are sincere and honest. That comes from personal knowledge and experience. I am poly, I'm also a male dominant and one might think that means I'm getting quite a lot of both which would be a vast understatement. Just being poly doesn't mean you're getting more than any other as it is not as easy to find those willing to deal with someone that is open about being poly because of all the bad apples out there in the wild already.

So the not so simple answer would that it happens and each situation has to be looked at separately and a gut instinct reaction needs to be listened to. There are those that will pray on the naivety of others using both BDSM and poly as a "sheepskin". Just like there are those that do similar actions within vanilla life to meet their own means.

(in reply to GuardianMark)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: poly relationship - 2/28/2005 2:40:59 PM

freedomofcontrol

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

Hi sorry i just hd to replay, poly is not just about sex. Yes for a lot of ppl it can be, but not for all of us.
To be true to your self and the others in the reliship you need to be open honest and most of all trustworthy , well like any reliship these are a muct but even more so in this type wehn you add more ppl it adds complexty .

sorry about my spelling not a strong point.

(in reply to Cyis75)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: poly relationship - 3/2/2005 12:18:08 AM

MistressEleanor

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/20/2005
Status: offline

My wife is a poly bisexual dominant. I am a monogamous bisexual dominant.

When we were getting to know one another, she was adamant about her sexuality; she was poly and would remain so. She explained that this was the result of discovering that no one person could fulfill all her needs or desires. One person would provide one aspect of a relationship, another would provide another, etc. etc. etc. with males and females providing their own gender specific aspects as well. She would not tolerate any limits to her freedom.

I explained that I was adamant about finding the one person who best fulfilled all my needs and desires, and I would not pick and choose to arrive at a sum of all aspects. I would have my best, or I would keep looking. Lesser beings weren't worth my attention.

And so... how to bridge the gulf...

I chose to pursue my relationship with her because she has enriched my life and brought me joy; she has been the woman who best fulfills all my needs and desires. I willingly leave her unfettered, free to pursue any and all interests she has, and revel in her freedom and happiness.

And so... the monogamous woman came to an understanding on how to love her polyamorous woman.

My advice to you, sweetforYou, is that first of all you need to accept that your Master is poly.

Next, you need to do some soul searching and figure out if monogamy is a desire or an essential need for you. If monogamy is essential, then you need to accept that this is not the right Master for you. If monogamy is simply a desire, then you need to let go of your desire to be His "one" and embrace your servitude to Him; you cannot be slave to both your Master and jealousy.

Once you have figured these things out, your path will become clear.

Attachment (1)

(in reply to freedomofcontrol)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: poly relationship - 3/2/2005 1:05:33 AM

smilezz

Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline

Good morning....welcome to the forums.

This subject is quite close to my heart...i am not Poly and Thorns is. I have done alot of re-search over the last 3 years and this is still the best site that i have found that made me finally go: Okkkk! i am not as insane as i thought *chucklez*
http://www.xeromag.com/fvmonopoly.html

There are alot of good people here with some great information...i hope you find your peace.

~smilezz~

_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

(in reply to sweetforYou)

Profile

Post #: 9