Freezing up

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Freezing up

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Freezing up

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Freezing up - 12/26/2006 1:06:22 AM

DigitBox

Posts: 154
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline

I'm not sure how to bring this up but I'll give it my best try.

I'm playing with someone again. Once again I'm desired for my dominant stripes. Because of prior experience I feel more qualified stepping into this again and yet I hesitate.

There a few things that make me hesitate, but the big one that has me worried is that I'm going to do harm due to niavety or some unforseen accident. So I freeze up or feel some anxiety.

I think it's mostly because of inexperience.

Interestingly I had the same thing happen in a martial arts class where I was studying hapkido and was learning how to take someone down using a special kind of hold. All I could think about was that I was going to mess someone up while practicing on them. No matter how much my sensei told me that it was okay I was convinced I would cause serious harm.

I care about a sub under my control, I care he comes back from the experience unharmed both physically and mentally.

But at this stage I still find myself constantly asking if he is doing okay.

We have safe words in place but still I worry he won't tell me if things are going too far, although the last time he let me know when things were getting too intense. Which I was very happy that he did.

Maybe this is just plain ol' beginers performance anxiety. Although I'm not exactly a beginer but I'm certainly not an expert.

The other thing that I'm running into is pacing our activities and finding ways to keep things interesting. But those are lesser concerns to the health and well being aspect.

When I do manage to let go of my fear it can be a great experience but sometimes it can be really difficult to overcome the concerns

Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of thing as they were learning and refining their skills?

.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Freezing up - 12/26/2006 1:50:46 AM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

Hi
I have recently gone through something quite similar. I have a new partner whom i care about very much and whilst being in scene isnt new to me it is new to me with him and i found myself constantly thinking 'but what if i go to far ' ' or what if i do something that he thinks he wants and then really doesnt like it' . I think its common for people tofeel like that we might be dominant but we are uncaring. I have found that by just takin my time and really starting very small and builiding uptp a level that we are both comfortable with has helped. Also i told him how i felt. I was worried this would make him see me as less dominate but it actually worked quiet the opposite and he loves how much i care about him. Things that i do struggle with doing that im sure he wants harder or whatever i have tld him that he needs to beg for harder that way im not sayin is that ok? etc.
And the great thing is ive only ever really made him ask me to stop when ive been tickling him

You abviously care a lot about him and with time you will get to that stage where u dont need to ask u know wahthe needs and youwill know your limits i cant wait for that day myself and im enjoying getting there. Have fun too

_____________________________

Proud mistress

(in reply to DigitBox)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Freezing up - 12/26/2006 6:00:28 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

If you're worried about pacing or if its too intense for him, there are two things that come to mind which might help you and your anxiety over them.

First is in regard to intensity, rather than asking him if he is okay, pause and ask him questions about whether or not he likes the feel of your leather or something like that. Phrase it in terms of what it is that you are doing to him or have him in some way ask you to stop or to continue. If he's able to talk enough to do either one, he's obviously not at the end of his ropes and isn't ready to use his safeword. You can then taunt him and tell him it will be your choice to continue (if he's asking for more), and add the phrase "until he uses the proper means to tell you he has had enough", if he's asking you to stop.

As for pacing, starting slow is always a good idea in that it builds anticipation. Varying the pace is also good in that it leaves him wondering what is to come next. It also will give you a break as you need it and will allow you the time to walk around and ask him your questions and maintain a mental contact with him by talking with him and listening to his responses. That will further help you guage where he is at by listening to the changes in his voice as time progresses. That is something you can use to help judge when he has had enough. I think it is important to maintain a mental connection during play. For me, verbally is one of the best ways to do that. The other is direct touch of your hand, which creates a different kind of connection if you have been using a different implement on him, which I assume is the case. Combine the two, and I think that is the ideal.

While not a top, I hope you find this of use.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to DigitBox)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Freezing up - 12/26/2006 6:51:59 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

The best way to get over anxiety when we start off topping or topping a new person is to go slowly and do a small number of things. Do one or two activities only, go at your own pace, check in as much as you feel the need too. In time you'll get more confident and you will check in less and do more activities.

Be honest with the person who is bottoming to you that you are nervous and that you are only trying a few things. If they don't like that or they think that makes you "less" then frankly that is the best person for you to be starting off with. Someone who cares about you, heck, someone who has some basic empathy ought to be able to understand that everyone has to start off and that starting off right generally means going slowly and learning as you go.

And, yes, when I starting off playing with other people (not my husband) and learning new skills it was easy to feel like I needed to do more or do it better. I had to learn to top myself and tell myself "this is good, you're going at a good pace here, this better than last time". I was always clear about starting off a new activity and I had good partners.

I had one who said "stop asking me how I'm doing" at one point in a scene and that touched on a spot in me that got an unexpected reaction. I slammed his head onto the wooden floor and said "I'm not going to ask you had that felt". (No, he wasn't hurt, he wasn't in a position where I could get much force behind it, he didn't even bruise) It did trigger my inner dominant personality more and after that I noticed that I stopped checking in and feeling so unsure. The boy in question had a great time he said later ?

DO NOT try the slamming technique at home -- I was much younger then and far less wise about all of this.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 12/26/2006 6:57:15 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to DigitBox)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Freezing up - 12/26/2006 2:15:18 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I still deal with it when I go to a level of play that I want to go. I want to, in a lot of way, play in at a level that apparently most find extreme. So, now, I'm hesitant. This is especially true with the Vampire. Learning to trust your submissive ir as hard as learning to trust yourself. Go slow and choose a few things so that you don't overwhelm yourself or your submissive.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to DigitBox)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Freezing up - 12/26/2006 9:08:23 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear DigitBox, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In my mind's eyes I see that the healer nature inside will never wish harm--yet, we see necessary cutting into the body as to safe a body from harm. The mind hasn't justified the corporal interaction. Just like it takes time to have the confidence in going into surgery--it doesn't happen over night and--there is time to grow into your role.

It is very overlooked of the three principle powers of a Dominant. They are: 1. The Dominant's mind and spirit of intent; 2. The power of the Dominant's touch and 3. The power of the Dominant's voice.

Mastering those three basics, the use of tools are an extention of the three basics.

When having a willing one before you, the power of your dominant touch can reach into the core and make them feel your hand is touching their belly or the soul--they will shake or freeze. The power of your voice, the willing one will move at your direction, will fetch your drink and food, will carry your cloak and follow eagerly and in admiration. The power of your mind will touch his/her's--the connection will be made.

Touch them with a compassionate hand, a kind hand...a gentle and good hand. Touch them to know their face, their throat and body. Speak to them in respect, in appreciation and in admiration, they will strain to hear your heart. Let your mind guide you both on the journey. Touch a slave/submissive like a statue--bodies are a work of art.

Some of the most intense scenes have been without a whip or bondage--just using the power within, my hands and my voice.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to DigitBox)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Freezing up - 12/26/2006 9:29:46 PM

BeautifulRacket

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline

I don't have anything useful to add, but I did want to say thank you to DigitBox for starting this discussion and all who have responded here so far. This concern has been lingering in the back of my mind, and the posts above are extremely helpful with that (and related topics)! It's certainly given me a ton more to think about and explore, so thanks again, everyone.

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Freezing up - 12/26/2006 10:30:33 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

With a new partner, I sometimes use a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the limit of endurance) to calibrate our intensity gauges.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to BeautifulRacket)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Freezing up - 12/27/2006 6:00:46 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

With a new partner, I sometimes use a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the limit of endurance) to calibrate our intensity gauges.

Cheers,

Sea

That's a great technique and I use it as well. I even still use it with Fox because he's not a masochist so he will cry and wiggle far more. The scale gives me better feedback about what he can take.

This just made me think that last night (he was only gone for 3 days for the holiday) I told him that at some point this week I will be requiring a heavy SM session. He swallowed as he listened to me explain that I would give him an hour or so to prepare for it when I decide the time is right. He thanked me very kindly for the forewarning and the time to prepare. Could I just do it whenever because he's my slave? Yes, but I feel I also have a responsiblity to him as a human being to give him time to prepare for something that will be far heavier than he's used to and which his only enjoyment will come from seeing my eyes glow with pleasure and the wonderful hug he'll get at the end.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Freezing up - 12/27/2006 2:54:07 PM

DigitBox

Posts: 154
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline

Thanks for everybody's responses to my question. Your insights have been very helpful.

< Message edited by DigitBox -- 12/27/2006 2:57:01 PM >

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Freezing up - 12/28/2006 4:21:04 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

There are some masochists out there that will down-play their endurance for pain in an effort to please a Top. Besides using the 1-10 scale, also be aware that down-playing isn't so incommon that you need not watch for warning signs, such as: shallow and/or rapid breathing through the mouth, stiffening of muscles, skin color, etc. To "safe out" as a Top doesn't mean you're ineffective or weak. Just that you'd rather err on the side of caution.

Be safe.

LBO

(in reply to DigitBox)

Profile

Post #: 11