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A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 9:21:50 AM   
HoustonDave


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		I know it's hard to restrict anyone from voicing an opinion on here, but I am really posing this to submissives of any gender that have been in a committed D/s relationship for at least a year.
"If you are unattached, or if you were to become unattached, do you feel that you would limit your search for a new partner that has a relatively similar level of experience to your own?  Would you be more or less likely to want someone who compliments your experience, or would you want someone that may have experiences and preferences that do not mirror your own, as a way to broaden your own horizons?  After spending time with a seasoned veteran would you even consider a newbie Dom, that you could share your past experiences with in their development, or do you feel that too much of your time would be spent topping from the bottom to have your needs met?"

_____________________________

I'm not much of a man by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
- Dr. Frank N Furter
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 9:33:02 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I don't generally seek, however, all other things being equal, I'd likely take someone who had years of experience in the real world scene versus one who didn't.

Since there's never a chance that all other things would be equal, this aspect would be only one of many to decide.

It's just like age, location, financial status, weight- we all have our own preferences on our own levels.  Find someone who works for you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to HoustonDave)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 9:42:28 AM   
MmakeMme


Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline 		I prefer a strong Sir, One who knows what He is doing. My thing is the power exchange and I want someone who knows what it is when He feels it and knows what to do with it when He gets it. That said, if a Dom were inexperienced but still fairly strong in Himself, I don't think I would immediately mark Him off the list as long as He was actively involved in learning about Himself.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 9:45:56 AM   
kittensmailbox


Posts: 744
Joined: 1/7/2005
From: Youngstown, Ohio
Status: offline 		i too want a Dom with more experience then myself...

_____________________________

~softly smiles

~lowers her eyes in respect~

~kitten

(in reply to MmakeMme)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 9:49:34 AM   
liljoy


Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		It's not as easy as the same  experience level. It's more about simular or matching outlook, goals, desires and needs

(in reply to HoustonDave)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 10:00:35 AM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		I prefer a Dom with years of experience. As a sub, placing myself in the hands of another person, I feel much safer knowing that I am physically safe.

So, if this opinion is shared by many, it begs the question: how does a new Dom get experience?

I would say that a good way is by maybe hosting private play dates with a dom you respect - he shows you how and plays his sub so you can watch and learn, and then you play your own sub under his tutelage. You could also do this at parties if you are comfortable. I imagine if you are known by people in your community, you could find subs who would allow themselves to be played under supervision, and things negotiated up front as to what the play was going to be.

< Message edited by classykindasassy -- 12/26/2006 10:03:16 AM >

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to liljoy)
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RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 10:03:01 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		I think for me it's more about content of character, leadership abilities, and who they are as a person more than time served in this lifestyle.
You can have other Dom's teach a new Dom the ways to D/s relations and how to play, but you can't make decent humans that are good fair leaders out of some people no matter how long they are in.
I've only been in the scene less than two years, but have spent a year in a 24/7 M/s home.
My experience is that of someone who's been around a long time even though I'm new as I studied in all methods everything I could about D/s and the fact I have a background in psychology and studying people to start with.
A new Dom may be an experienced one in less than 2 years too depending on the person.
Experience can be found through so many sources other than the sub taking over control.
There's no topping issue for me with my Sir as He has a few other Doms training him and it's rare I give him any pointers other than the same types of feedback I gave my first Master.

I've also seen many a guy claim to be a Dom in the life over ten years that knew less about D/s or even flogging than my Sir knows  now after being in the life around two months.
Some people get stuck in a rut and learn nothing outside the self imposed boundaries so time does not equate to experience always.

It's more of a case of how far they go not how long they're in for me.

(in reply to HoustonDave)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 10:20:10 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I have three years of experience being submissive to him which does not mean at all that I am an edge player. I'm not.

I would be able to separate my needs for dominance from my play needs as long as we were on the same page. Meaning that I'm a bondage freak and if this hypothetical new dom wasn't into bondage but was into humiliation, then we could be friends but nothing else. If he was into bondage but needed to learn how to tie properly, I would volunteer immediately to be his victim if we were compatible otherwise.

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 10:32:58 AM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

I think for me it's more about content of character, leadership abilities, and who they are as a person more than time served in this lifestyle.


My thoughts exactly. Having said that I don't think I would want a newbie Dom. I don't have enough patience to train one.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 10:37:18 AM   
MaryT


Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HoustonDave

I know it's hard to restrict anyone from voicing an opinion on here, but I am really posing this to submissives of any gender that have been in a committed D/s relationship for at least a year.
"If you are unattached, or if you were to become unattached, do you feel that you would limit your search for a new partner that has a relatively similar level of experience to your own?  Would you be more or less likely to want someone who compliments your experience, or would you want someone that may have experiences and preferences that do not mirror your own, as a way to broaden your own horizons?  After spending time with a seasoned veteran would you even consider a newbie Dom, that you could share your past experiences with in their development, or do you feel that too much of your time would be spent topping from the bottom to have your needs met?"


Well, I don't know where on that spectrum I fit.  I was in a D/s relationship for 28 years, but it was called marriage.  It was D/s because I'm just submissive by nature.  My ex and I did try to bring in kink at my request (impact play) and make it more what I wanted in D/s, but since he wasn't into control, it was a rather odd result.  Having spent many years trying to convert a vanilla, I would not be willing to explore my submissiveness with someone who is not certain of his own preferences and experienced in bringing his preferences to fruition - whatever they may be.  I think of topping from the bottom as more SM stuff and scene related.  I could see how a more experienced submissive could bring out the dom in someone, but I don't think that qualifies as topping from the bottom.

FWIW,

MaryT

(in reply to HoustonDave)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 11:34:53 AM   
mystiquenz


Posts: 330
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HoustonDave

"...If you are unattached, or if you were to become unattached, do you feel that you would limit your search for a new partner that has a relatively similar level of experience to your own?  Would you be more or less likely to want someone who compliments your experience, or would you want someone that may have experiences and preferences that do not mirror your own, as a way to broaden your own horizons?  ..."


I was recently told by a new dom that i was too experienced for him.  It was a strange feeling when i heard that "you are too experienced".   
 
For myself, and only myself, i seek a Dominant that is my intellectual equal, (otherwise, he would bore me to tears), one that has a similar life philosophy to my own, one who is emotionally stable, and should all the other bits fit, one that is physically compatible. 
 
You may find one that is skillful as a dominant/submissive and intellectually dim.  Or you may find a partner that is physically compatible but needs guidance along the way.  Is that topping from the bottom, I would suggest not.  I doubt if there are many relationships, that are successful where the Dominant does not need their counterpart's encouragement.  
 
If the emphasis is on relationship, each relationship is different.  If it is a new D/s or M/s regime, then you need to ensure that you are talking the same language.  Sometimes, from what I have observed  people "grow" together, and maybe that is the seedling that should be fostered and cared for.  Or are you Dave, coming from the perspective, that a more experienced Dom can weld a bullwhip harder and faster and more accurate, use a single tail, and a variety of other whips, be comfortable with rope bondage, and knife play, along with a full raft of other forms of play.  The play in my book, the play is consenual, it makes what the two of you agree upon work for you.   
 
Having said that, I am weary of brand new Doms.  Why?  Because i need to ensure that my safety is paramount.  I once explored a session with a newish dom, who said he had had a lot of experience, but his knowledge was acquired I am sure, from some internet chat room, his practices I felt were not safe.  So, I used my legs and walked. 
 
There are people out there, who are, very experienced in the local communities, who I am sure, are happy to help educate, and mentor a newer Dom.  To me, it is putting people together, so that they can grow in their knowledge base. 

I do not believe that a person who claims to "know it all" is necessary the better person. 

I wish you well.  I hope you find the answers that you are looking for. 

All the best for the Festive Season and a Happy New Year to follow.   

_____________________________

blessings
~mystique~

(in reply to HoustonDave)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 11:40:31 AM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline 		For me, the Domme I seek would only need to have been in the lifestyle a sufficient amount of time to know what appeals to her and what pushes her buttons.  Beyond that, her level of experience wouldn't be as important to me as her personality along with how well we got along with each other or "the chemistry" that was generated between us when we were together for lack of a better description.  If the basic common interests were there (vanilla and D/s), the skills can be learned and improved as far as I'm concerned.  Its an adventure and journey I'd be happy to share with the right woman.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to HoustonDave)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 1:44:15 PM   
HoustonDave


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mystiquenz
Or are you Dave, coming from the perspective, that a more experienced Dom can weld a bullwhip harder and faster and more accurate, use a single tail, and a variety of other whips, be comfortable with rope bondage, and knife play, along with a full raft of other forms of play.  


I wasn't really coming at it from any particular perspective.  It was open-ended and ambiguous to generate discussion.  If anything, I was curious how people would frame their responses based on power exchange, scene play and/or vanilla relationship dynamics.
Thanks to everyone who has given their insight thusfar.

_____________________________

I'm not much of a man by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
- Dr. Frank N Furter

(in reply to mystiquenz)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 2:34:11 PM   
CandleInTheWind


Posts: 347
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HoustonDave

I know it's hard to restrict anyone from voicing an opinion on here, but I am really posing this to submissives of any gender that have been in a committed D/s relationship for at least a year.
"If you are unattached, or if you were to become unattached, do you feel that you would limit your search for a new partner that has a relatively similar level of experience to your own?  Would you be more or less likely to want someone who compliments your experience, or would you want someone that may have experiences and preferences that do not mirror your own, as a way to broaden your own horizons?  After spending time with a seasoned veteran would you even consider a newbie Dom, that you could share your past experiences with in their development, or do you feel that too much of your time would be spent topping from the bottom to have your needs met?"


Dave,
i personally get something different from every relationship i have beenin...i once went from a seasoned professional<EG>  to a total novice  and well I trained  my own so to speak...and that was a very nice thing  the only issue in that relationship was that he didnt have his life in order....and that is one issue that those of veteran status seem to be able to have under control...they tend to understand that a D/s relationship if a powerful one and it isnt just a game....and from what i have sensed in my experience that is the big difference..

good luck in your expanding your life experiences

little red

_____________________________

It is better to be hated for something that you are
than it is to be loved for something you are not

(in reply to HoustonDave)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 3:04:37 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HoustonDave

"If you are unattached, or if you were to become unattached, do you feel that you would limit your search for a new partner that has a relatively similar level of experience to your own? 

I would personally want someone with at least as many years in the lifestyle as myself with both private real time interaction as well as community support. For me this equals approx 7 yrs.

Would you be more or less likely to want someone who compliments your experience, or would you want someone that may have experiences and preferences that do not mirror your own, as a way to broaden your own horizons? 

I do like the idea of them having some different areas of interest than what I currently hold to broaden my horizons but allow me the opportunity to grow into the idea of experiencing these different things....esp if it is something I would never have thought I would want to do. Keep in mind though that I have very limited experience as far as different BDSM activities so this would not be a difficult thing to find. LOL

After spending time with a seasoned veteran would you even consider a newbie Dom, that you could share your past experiences with in their development, or do you feel that too much of your time would be spent topping from the bottom to have your needs met?"

For me..it would not be topping from the bottom so much as I would feel I was more mentor than submissive to him. I have mentored a few new dominants as well as submissives and am a natural switch. I do not however have any desire to "act" on being a switch..I am only desirous of a M/s relationship at this point. If I were with someone who was new, I feel that it would switch on that switch inside of me and create a situation in my mind where I could not submit to this person.


_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to HoustonDave)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 4:14:17 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I personally perfer an experienced Dom i don't want to have to train somone.  One thing that is important is that he is intelligent.  I wanr soneone i can hold a conversation outside of the bedroom.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 4:37:30 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HoustonDave

I know it's hard to restrict anyone from voicing an opinion on here, but I am really posing this to submissives of any gender that have been in a committed D/s relationship for at least a year.


Currently with someone since May, not living together. Was seeing someone else for two years not living together... that will let you know if my experience is what you consider "valid"

quote:

"If you are unattached, or if you were to become unattached, do you feel that you would limit your search for a new partner that has a relatively similar level of experience to your own?  Would you be more or less likely to want someone who compliments your experience, or would you want someone that may have experiences and preferences that do not mirror your own, as a way to broaden your own horizons?  After spending time with a seasoned veteran would you even consider a newbie Dom, that you could share your past experiences with in their development, or do you feel that too much of your time would be spent topping from the bottom to have your needs met?"




Put it this way, when I was looking and if I was ever in shopping for a dom again I would be looking for a person to be involved with, not a flogger. Experience in the form of investigating one's dominant nature in a relationship is something that would be desirable, but not mandatory for me to consider that dominant. I like men at least a couple of years older than myself that are stable in their emotional life and have a good head on their shoulders... the rest is icing.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 12/26/2006 4:39:55 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to HoustonDave)
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RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/26/2006 5:05:56 PM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		I think personalities fitting together is of infinitely more important than age or experiece.  It can be fun to grow together nd it can be fun to benefit from someone else's knowledge.  The only thing I might worry about with a newly developing dom is that our interests could stop meshing.  I know that my limits have expanded in leaps and bounds and he could find he desires things I don't want to do.  Overall, I would only commit myself to someone if things felt right, if we had similar interests and goals.  However, I have been the bottom for someone learning to flog, etc.  I don't mind sharing experience in that way, but these people haven't been my Dom, just people who were learning to play with me.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A question for experienced subs - 12/27/2006 8:19:12 PM   
trueshadow


Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		I'm going to say life experience more than D/s experience.  In other words, I would never submit to an 18 year old 'Domme'.  What the heck would an 18 year old know about life? 

If I'm going to be tied naked to a cross, I'm in a vulnerable position.  I want a cool, level-headed woman to be wielding the whip, not some hysterical or wacky young woman. 

For me, that translates into someone, say, 35 years of age or older.  Experience in D/s can be learned together.  Life experience simply takes time.

(in reply to beltainefaerie)
Profile   Post #: 19
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