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Trachmyr -> Curious Revelations have brought me here... (2/21/2005 7:08:30 PM)
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Perhaps it was a matter of “not seeing the forest through the trees”, but surely I would have never anticipated interest in this community. Mind you, I mean no disrespect when I say that, I harbor no ill feelings towards anyone for their tastes, lest they bring others to harm. Yet I must admit that my perceptions of the Lifestyle (and alas, my preconceptions) always seemed to run counter to what I desire. I confess that my thinking on the matters of BDSM was far too narrow, and the truth that I am now discovering has challenged such views. I am finding the Lifestyle to be far broader than I had imagined, and myself far more comfortable in identifying with the community than I had deemed possible. This is not an easy admission to make, for I abhor ignorance, and to find it within myself is deplorable to say the least. So I begin my introduction with an apology, not for anything I have said or done, but for the lack of understanding I had maintained until now.
As I alluded to in this thread’s topic, I have had some ‘personal revelations’ as of late. Reflecting on my past relationships, and my current state of ‘oneness’ (by that I’m not referring to any form of spiritual enlightenment), I’ve come to a realization that has only been a fleeting thought in the past. I do seek submission in my partner, more so I require it to be fulfilled. Perhaps it might seem odd to not know this of oneself, but such a desire would appear to be opposed to my personality. I am a person who is attracted to ‘broken people’; I mend them, strengthen them, and ultimately, set them free. I never deluded myself into believing that my actions were purely altruistic, I know their need for me was my ambrosia. My hopes were that once they were strong enough to stand on their own, that they would return to me… of course that never truly happened. All these years I have failed to ask myself one important question, “what would it mean if they did stay?” Surely I cannot perceive nor would I desire any change in the dynamic of the relationship, while I style myself more as a ‘mentor’ than ‘master’, truly it is just a matter of semantics. The answer of course is that for someone to stay with me out of choice rather than need would mean submission to my will, my guidance and my protection.
There is more, and though I run the risk of sounding longwinded, I will explain. At the heart of the issue is trust and understanding, which I believe that most of you here would tend to agree. Trust is the most critical need I have in a relationship, there is no quicker way to pain and turn my heart than for someone to mistrust me. Luckily I foster trust easily, and I am steadfast in my protection of that which is given. Yet my desire for the trust of the one I love seems to be an unquenchable thirst, always demanding greater depths of faith as the relationship progresses. Mirrored by this is the understanding I seek of my paramour, I wish to know everything; every hope, every dream, every fear and embarrassment, until the veils of secrecy and privacy are forever torn asunder. Again I failed to understand what the actual achievement of my desire would affect; it would mean nothing less than the sacrifice of identity. It seems that my love is an insidious thing, that which seeks the consumption of my paramour.
Even with these ‘revelations’, I would not be here except for a chance web-search for ‘custom cat collars’ of all things. When I arrived at the site, I was inexplicable drawn in, perhaps it was fate… or perhaps I’m simply a pervert, I’d like to think it was a little bit of both. As I said earlier, my understanding of the community was narrow. I unequivocally linked the concept of pain, as well as the fetishes of leather and latex, to all variations of the Lifestyle. As these were elements for which I had no interest, I never considered that I might actually ‘belong’. As my understandings of the lifestyle as gained breadth, I now realize that there might be some solidarity here for me, as well as opportunities to better understand myself. So here I am, yet another lost sheep finding his way back home.
It seems I’ve managed to write quite the novel without actually introducing myself, so let me share. My name is Morgan (M. Morgan to be precise), though it’s not my birth name, it is the one I use for all my creative endeavors, thus I shall use it here. Additionally, I have gone by the online moniker of Trachmyr for a decade now, so I will respond to that name equally as well. The profession I studied in collage was psychology, but some negative past experiences led me to give up that path, though I sometimes consider returning. I’m a bit of a rogue when it comes to society; I’m given to volunteer work, although the mega-evil corporation I’m currently (and temporarily) employed with might seem to contradict that statement. I recently passed the thirty-year milestone in my life, and have survived the ensuing trauma with my psyche intact. As for my beliefs, I would say that I’m liberal to the extreme in most regards, and I have been a practicing Wiccan for half my life now. For those of you with knowledge of Astrology, I am a poster child for what it means to be a Cancer, and as an added bonus, my Chinese Zodiac sign of ‘Tiger’ fits me quite suitably as well. Any other piece of ’statistical’ data can most likely be gleamed from my profile, and I’m certainly open to answering any query you might have of me, even as doubtful as that may be. So if you would have me, I would like to become more familiar with the Lifestyle, and with this community.
Thank you for lending your ear and your time,
M. Morgan (A.K.A. Trachmyr)
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