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Vulnerability - 12/28/2006 4:31:10 AM

searchingsarah

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Joined: 1/17/2004
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When a submissive/slave enters into a TPE relationship, she (he) takes a big risk. So many things can go wrong. Please don’t misunderstand, things can go right too and often do. But when a situation goes wrong, what does a submissive/slave do? How does a submissive/slave leave a situation that is bad when the submissive/slave has give up everything including all moneys, vehicle, everything? What happens when the ‘dominant’ decides He (She) has used all that is wanted of a submissive/slave and kicks her (him) out on the streets with nothing or very little? Is there any kind of organization out there to help?
Far too often, submissives fall prey to the wrong person because we have such a deep need to submit. Sometimes, that need clouds our vision. It doesn’t make us stupid or irresponsible, it is a sign of one willing and able to truly submit. A submissive/slave is not a commodity to be used for all she (he) has and then tossed out to make room for the next one. The nature of our soul makes us very vulnerable, almost like children at times. We need to be protected…often even from ourselves.

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RE: Vulnerability - 12/28/2006 5:02:08 AM

goodpet

Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
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Searchingsarah,
Not to down play the D/s aspect of the question but she (or he) leaves in the same way a vanilla partner in a bad situation leaves. By the door.

1- Hopefully, the sub has not jumped into something without a clue. A key part of finding a Dom is finding one who is not going to do all the red flags we look for. (isolation, no resources, no friends or contact, confiscates keys and such.. the list goes on...) .

2- If, the red flags were not there, or were ignored, then the sub can request to talk with the Dom and share concerns and if no relief then inform him she is leaving and ask for what she needs. But i am assuming at this point the kick out on the street happens..

3- kicked out, with nothing but the clothes you are wearing... the same resources for vanilla are there for D/s'er. shelters, aide, churches, other organizations.

I don't hear of this happening that often but it does and has to a friend of mine. she contacted by phone another lifestyler and they helped her get settled. painful and emotional but she made the transition.

your last statement.. "We need to be protected…often even from ourselves. " says it the best.. go into relationships slowly and make sure you know who you are giving this power over to. don't give your control over to someone you have only known a short time , or no one in the community has ever met, someone you only know from online. Be smart and go slow. any Dom worth His salt will allow you to take your time in getting to know them.

the only organization i know of the networking between friends. there are some in the gay community for abusive relationship and help might be found with them.

(in reply to searchingsarah)

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RE: Vulnerability - 12/28/2006 5:09:49 AM

SirDiscipliner69

Posts: 2607
Joined: 2/1/2005
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I feel it should be a common sense thing.

I answered something simuliar in
http://www.collarchat.com/m_745143/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#745148

For your own protection I might engage in the thought process of escrowing your possessions with a party of your own.

Don't feel alone that submissives are vunerable as dominants are also.

There are many scheming people that prey on human nature and doms are suseptible also.

I grew up with the mindset and phrase: Question Authority.

Any Dom worth his salt will have answers readily

In doing so you will find that a Dom will sizzle like a steak and a wannabe will writher like a burnt hotdog. ;)

Think.

This is a thinking person's relationship.

Believe half of what you see and nothing of what you hear. ;)

Ross

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RE: Vulnerability - 12/28/2006 8:19:38 AM

diamonddreamlove

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Joined: 5/19/2006
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Information of where to go has been shared the same resources as vanilla. There is also legal aid where you might get help to reaquire your property such as cars, maybe even cash if you can prove you have given it to the relationship. I suspect palomony would still work in some states.

As for going into a relationship it needs to be with eyes wide open. We turn ourselves over to our Masters for all care or do we become partners in the relationship. I personally give control of everything but my child and finances. This was His requirements. There again the honesty and integrity that i have found with Him are the qualities that i would and have in the past found invanilla partners. Just because we do what we do does not mean that we just give up the use of our brains also. I trust Master as much as i have trusted anyone in my life, i also did not jump into this relationship without a lot of consideration. I think for me a red flag would have been had he isolated me from friends vanilla and lifestyle. Instead He encourages me to have friendships we have met each others friends and have life friends we enjoy vanilla activities with. These couple relationships were developed before my committment and more have formed since them. Next even though i have offered the use of a vehicle upon occasion when His has been down or offered a loan at one point He has always refused stating that a Master is not someone who owes His sub/slave. His comment is He is in control and for me to give or support Him financially is to give up part of His control. If we lived together that very well could be different, however i believe the basic concept would continue. There again He encourages me to use my mind. Now i realise that this relationship would not work for everyone and that is exactly why taking your time before giving your control away is important. Negotiate the breakup prior to that happening have a bank account with your name on it available or set aside so much money to have available should EITHER of you decide it is not working. I would not go into a vanilla relationship that has this level of committment (if that is even possible) without a prenuptial or living arrangement. If the Master in question can not understand this concept then i would take a step back and reevaluate the relationship. If it is because He feels it is an affront to His control and not a way of taking care of yourself (a sign or reponsibility) it probably would be a good idea to give the relationship more time before committment.

Some would say this is not total submission. There again taking responsibility for yourself as a person is still the responsibility of those involved. This includes the Master making sure they are also protected should the relationship go all wrong. Allowing the checking account would demonstrate a willingness to allow the sub/slave to leave at any time making the relationship consential. This also would make it more difficult for a disgruntled sub/slave from making allegations of illegal inslavement that could result in their criminal prosecution. Just my humble thoughts, no intent to offend anyone.

< Message edited by diamonddreamlove -- 12/28/2006 8:25:21 AM >

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RE: Vulnerability - 12/28/2006 8:37:49 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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If someone uses their lust and emotions to cloud their good judgement, they ARE acting stupid and irresponsible.

And your idea that your submissive nature somehow makes you more vulnerable and need to be protected is just digusting IMO. First you want to say you aren't acting stupid and then you want to say you can't be trusted to make adult choices.

You don't make any more of a risk than a dom does, you aren't any more prey than anyone else is, and you need to take responsibility for your consent.

If you do make a bad choice, there is help out there- as someone point out, they are the same as vanillas have.

But don't try using your "I am a sub and thus less capable."

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RE: Vulnerability - 12/28/2006 10:11:13 AM

ownedgirlie

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Joined: 2/5/2006
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Do you work? If not, get a job asap - doing anything, just get some income. Then get yourself a place to live, even a studio apartment. If the OP is about you, surely you have some place to go, since you have computer access. Stay with friends, family, or at a shelter until you can secure yourself an apartment. Get your own bank account and have your checks direct-deposited in it. Were you able to take your clothes with you? You are already on your way. If not, any charitable organization can help you. WEAVE is good but I don't know if they're national or just local to me. You have no profile so I can't check to see if they have a location near you.

The best thing you can do for yourself is work on starting over. When I left my husband I left with nothing but my clothes and my grandmother's bed. I had my job, my health, and incredibly supportive friends and family. I set myself up in a small apartment, and I was amazed at how many people came over to furnish it. The best thing I left with, however, was myself. Material things are just that, and can be replaced. My spirit, however, can not.

My best to all others who are in a similar position.

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RE: Vulnerability - 1/18/2007 3:59:47 PM

KinkMasterDave

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Joined: 6/26/2005
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G'evening..

The previous posts all hold good ideas.

In addition, I might suggest.. you setup a reserve that your partner/Dominant cannot get access to. Possibly give some money or a % of income to your parents or siblings to hold in an account that is in both names (not to include your Dominant), and requires both to remove the funds. You might consider a legal document for a third party to hold stating the funds are exclusively yours, should the other person on the joint account pass on or refuse to allow you to remove the funds, and/or trying to make their own claims on it (or their heirs).

The old saying about putting all your eggs in one basket applies.

Of course the catch-22 is in the desire of the slave to "give their all" to their Dominant.... the bottom line is that the Dominant should be willing to allow their submissive/slave to keep that safety net... if they honestly care about the mental and emotonal stability of their charge.

Just my two cents...

MD

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