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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/30/2006 12:21:21 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
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I've never been dumped in a vanilla relationship, so I don't know what that's like. But being dumped while involved in a power exchange with someone is a bitch. I was just recently dumped for the first time while on a break from school and work. I had nothing to use as a distraction. I cried a little (okay, a lot), felt pathetic, then cried some more while I whined to my best friend about how stupid men are. I still feel a little pathetic. It's almost like a long-lasting weird subdrop. But it's better to know as soon as possible that a relationship won't work. Plus, you have all the things you've learned from your last relationship to carry into your next one. I got rid of almost everything--pictures, words, etc etc that were related to the guy.I am working out a lot.I am spending more time with my family and friends, who I've come to realize can be a support structure for me whether they know I am submissive or not.I am reading.I am sleeping in and enjoying myself. Basically, I am focusing on me rather than on someone else. Making myself happy rather than seeking approval from another person. It's working so far. Plus, I'm going on a date with a very handsome guy this weekend. And if there's anything to help getting over a guy who dumped you, it is an attractive smart guy that wants to date you. ;)

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/30/2006 12:55:45 PM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
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When my marriage broke up I started doing things for me (thank you life coach!). I got myself new undies...just for me not for anyone else. I listened to music that helped me mourn and move on. I listened to the affirming things other people were saying about me and worked on remembering *them*. But the most fun exercise I did was to do this. Whenever I would hear his words about me in my head I would re-wind them and then play them in a Donald Duck voice. Then in Mickey's voice. Then in Goofy's voice. Then I'd speed them up really fast or slow them down very, very slowly until whenever I heard the words from him, I'd start laughing. By doing that, I broke the power they had over me and changed them from something that made me feel small and insignificant into something that was very amusing. I still have to do that occasionally, but it's on occasion, not every minute of every day. Eventually you'll get past this. If you can do it with honor and integrity, you'll be happier once it's all over.

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/30/2006 2:09:10 PM

Hissltviolet

Posts: 44
Joined: 12/19/2006
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...<smiles> and <hugs>...i have been following your 'struggle' for some time now and simply want to add my support...my heart aches for you...i truly sympathize...
from a place of experience...i too found this lifestyle and my submissive 'nature' a bit late in life and have struggled through more than one failed 'connection'...
running the gambit of emotions...but the one thing that runs consistant for me is that i have never been happier about who 'i' am and even the 'failures' have brought me strength and personal growth...

...i have hurt worse in the failed relationships here than ever in the 'vanilla' world...
but i know why...because i am so deeply devoted to my nature and living it...it is devistating to have the floor fall out from underneath...to 'give' so much...so completely and so intensly is hard to come back from...and of course i always assume all the blame for the breakup...just seems to be part of my nature...

...you have received a lot of really great advice here...it all works...i have used it in my own healing process...but i would like to offer one more 'thing' that i needed to add to my process...at some point i had to take some time to just plain get mad...i mean have a down right self absorbed...if private...temper tantrum...spilling all that pain out and wallowing in it for a bit...

...it's kind of funny how it works...though i would never say the things i was thinking directly to 'Him'...for some reason...saying it outloud to the walls around me 'empowered' me...helping me to find some inner worth and strength...some courage and resolve...some self esteeme and confidence...

...but...whether this is something that you can use or not...i want you to remember that 'we' (submissives/slaves) ARE beautiful and worthy of happiness...and it will come...sometimes when we least expect it...are not looking for it...or have just about given up on it...

...this i can personally attest too...i have just become k'olared...by THE Master i had begun to believe was not alive...i now live my dream come true...and i would not have known Him had i not had to struggle through the journey i have had to take to this point...everything i have had to experience has brought me to Him...

...i just know the same will happen for You as well...

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/30/2006 2:43:32 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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You're right, june. Nothing like a good looking guy who wants to go out with you to bring you out of the doldrums.

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/30/2006 9:32:13 PM

submissivedevil

Posts: 26
Joined: 9/17/2006
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You know coming here to the forum has helped me so much. Knowing that others have been through this helps some how. I guess misery does love company!

Well the New Year is approaching fast, my new years resolution, to take time for me. I'm going to start working out again, running, swimming and riding the horses I love dearly. I'm going to spend time with my family and friends and try to find happiness once again.

There has to be more to my life than this man who treated me like crap right? I know thats true, why do I have such a hard time getting over this. Its amazing to me, he treated me like the dumbest person on the planet, and I loved him for that? I think I'm finally seeing the light. I hope. Thanks people.. Mouse

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/30/2006 10:42:58 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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The right dom will see you are a precious person that is valuable beyond compare...

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/31/2006 12:01:31 AM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivedevil

Thank you!

It seems like he holds all the keys to me. It seems like I was always trying desperately for his approval and in that he stole something from me. I was a strong women once and now I feel so weak. He took my strength my self worth and a great deal of me.
I'm working hard to regain some of the things lost! His constant awareness of my age, his constant comparing of me to others, much younger women. Well it took its toll on me. I stayed to long in a situation where I couldn't win. I'm a fighter, a person who always tries to prove themself and win. I never got off the starting block in fact I got denied the chance to start. Why it took me so long to see that, is beyond me. Looking back, I let him beat me up. I let him take my self worth. I don't know why.
Everyday is different for me right now. Somedays I feel a sense of relief that its over. Somedays I'm full of regret. Regret for what, I never had anything with him. Thats the confusing part.
Life will go on but learning from this experience seems so empty. The only thing I learned is that I'm to old for him, to unappealing. What else is there. I wish I could erase the last 2 years.
I will write the list you described. Thank you for spending the time to share your experiences with me.
Mouse

Hug....Dear subdevil...I really cannot offer more than has been related here except one wee observation.When I read this post of yours, I saw one thing that may be eye opening..you wrote "somedays I am full of regret,Regret for what, I never had anything with him.....now my opinion is...maybe you are mourning what you wished was there, maybe you are mourning an ideal you had in your head with his face attached to it,maybe you are mourning something that never really was....and maybe you really mourn an end to what you dreamed of, but you see, the dream is still there, the ideals, the desires...within YOU...they have not gone anywhere....find them and you will mourn no more...Tempting

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/31/2006 1:46:55 AM

submissivedevil

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Joined: 9/17/2006
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I think I'm mourning many things about my relationship with him. One is that I put so much time into something that would never be. I didn't understand that at first I suppose. Another thing is that I felt like he was my one and only opportunity. I poured myself into a relationship that was never meant to be. I fooled myself.

Well, I've learned from that. Now I must move ahead. Unfortunately I've lost him even as a friend and thats sad! Thats where the most of my mourning is.

Thanks

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/31/2006 2:07:00 PM

angharad

Posts: 229
Joined: 10/7/2006
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You've already started moving on.

You know HissItviolet said something really great. Get mad. I know that I get passively angry, I turn on myself before I get angry, all that destructive energy directed at me. I didn't even know I was angry for a long time, I thought I was hurt, or frustrated or misunderstood. It's fine to be angry, it's fine to be mad, and boy wont you feel good for letting go of all that emotion. Do it safely.

You are a lovely woman but you look so sad in your picture. Happiness attracts people, take a photo and smile

. I agree so much with crouchingtiger and julietsierra have said. Work from the inside out and the rest will fall into place

.

Don't wait for someone else to make you happy, do it for yourself, because life is too short. Best wishes for a happy new year.

< Message edited by angharad -- 12/31/2006 2:09:10 PM >

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/31/2006 4:30:29 PM

slavebrandyj

Posts: 35
Joined: 12/31/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivedevil

I've seperated from my first Dom, the first D/s relationship I've ever had. I'm old enough that its not the first split up I've been through. So, I know a broken heart always hurts and takes time to recover from.

The thing is, breaking up from a vanilla relationship is different, I'm not saying easier but, there's definately more moving ahead options for you. My meaning is as a submissive women, well the giving aspect, you give so much, your totally vulnerble to that Dom. Your lifes fantasy is becoming a reality. What happens when you loose it?

Finding the right person in a vanilla world is difficult, finding the right Dom in this lifestyle seems almost impossible. Maybe its my mind set. I've never felt like such a failure.. Any suggestions?

I feel for you submissivedevil. You cojuld not have said it better. I am a male sub, but we feel the same thing. And if you think it is hard for a submissive woman to find that one special Dom, think about us male subs. It is 100 times more difficult. Now add the fact that I am also a cross dresser and you really have limitations on available Dominant women.
I was just told that the love of my life, the Dominant Lady I gave my heart and soul to, decided we can not go any further. Eight months of growing closer and sharing so much of ourselves to each other and out of the blue, last night she said it was over. Some Happy New Year. I wish you well and a fast healing process.

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RE: moving on afterwards - 12/31/2006 9:20:55 PM

submissivedevil

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Happy New Year to you as well! Lets hope for healing and finding new friends.
Take Care my friend!

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RE: moving on afterwards - 1/1/2007 10:03:21 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
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submissivedevil,

Indeed, losing a cherished Dominant, or a Dom losing their cherished sub, is far more psychologically and emotionally complex than losing a vanilla life partner, and goodness knows losing a vanilla partner is tough enough!

I was given good, sound, valuable advice many years ago, and will pass it onto you:

Take this time to build your network of relationships and friendships with other submissives. Avoid interacting with Doms for a while, unless One happens to be a close personal friend who can offer you support without complicated BDSM nuances to boot.

Communicate with other subs. Share with, shop with, spend time with other submissives as you grieve, cope and wrestle with your loss. It is the best place to start. Only another sub can relate to your current situation. Building those relationships will offer you comfort, support, compassion, understanding. Furthermore, if you focus on helping other subs with other activities, even non BDSM related activities, (for example some community project you have an interest in), it will keep you from isolating yourself and becoming even more painfully convinced of some imagined failure that was never yours to begin with!

You are NOT a failure. You and your Dominant, for whatever reason, were simply incompatible, whether it was lifestyle differences, educational differences, religious or spiritual differences that got in the way of your relationship! It always comes down to some basic incompatibility issue. Think about it, define the major issue that drove you two apart, and then let it go, secure in the knowledge that the dissolution over that issue is what was ultimately best for you in the long run!

Focus on spending time with other subs, and eventually you will get back to a place in your life where you are willing to consider a potential Dominant again.

In time, your circle of new or renewed submissive friends may even set you on the path that connects you with the Dom who has your name written across his heart.

Good luck to you,

TexasMaam

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