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Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 5:11:30 AM   
Queenalice


Posts: 25
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline 		I've had time to think about it recently and talk to some peolple and I'm begining to wonder if I am a switch at all. To be honest, I hate to pose as something I'm not. So, maybe those who have more expeirience in this can guide me a bit.

For about 8 Months I have been with My wonderful partner who has opened My eyes to this brand new life. And, as I have found, I adore being submissive, to her. And the desire to be submissive is not as frequent as the desire to be Dominate. Being as that she is more submisive more often, this does not present a problem.

However, I don't sport the classic earmarks of a submissive when I am in that state of mind. My pain tollerance is frighteningly low, and shows no sign of getting any better. Althogh I need to please her, the SAM Remarks fly out of my mouth before I can stop them. Worst yet, from time to time, during play, the words "Who the Hell do you think you are?" have found there way out. 

Don't get me wrong. I have wild fantasies about mental submission as well as other aspects. Some of these include other people being in power over me. But they are never with out her. But I have more fantasies about being Dominate. So I guess my real question is; Am I a switch, or a Dominate that enjoys occasionally being Dominated by one particular person? I know that no one can answer this but me, but I would respect any feed back. The last thing I want is to be a fence-sitter.
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 5:20:36 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Aloha Queenalice

quote:

I don't sport the classic earmarks of a submissive


for me personally you are what you call yourself...there are no behaviors that can ordain or explain your sexual orientation. lots of subs are SAM-my, and lots dont like pain,  so to me that is not a good barometer.
 
i wish there was a litmus test myself...lol....but there isnt...so just be honest with every one and you'll find that a lot of folks have had the same questions.
 
if you want to be on the fence for now, dont sweat it...speaking for myself...the fence is the most fun place to be.....and it all works out over time.....

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to Queenalice)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 8:31:30 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Why not be a fence sitter?  Nobody else has to feel the spikes in your rear, but you.  gretchen, the masochist she is, would probably 'enjoy' being forced to sit on a fence.

Seriously, don't be in a rush to pigeon hole yourself.  Submission might be naturally part of you, but years of conditioning that 'we must all be equal' and 'fair means equal' can work against you here.  To boot, mental submission doesn't require the use of a whip or crop to keep you in line.  gretchen, again, is a masochist, but I don't use physical punishment on her - it would be counter productive, since she already associates spankings and such with 'reward.'

Sit down with your partner with a checklist.  It needn't be twenty pages long, but if you spend a good hour or two talking with her about some of the activities that sound interesting to you (and her) you can find some common ground on how to make your submission less distasteful. 

Of course, this doesn't mean you aren't a switch, or alpha slave, or domme who submits to just one person.  That's a whole other ball of wax.




_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 8:45:07 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Just as bisexual doesn't mean "fucking both men and women at all times" switch doesn't mean "dominating and submitting at all times."

You can be a slave for years to one person, have no desire to dominate anyone else, and still label yourself a switch, because orientation wise, you know that there could indeed come a person who will flick that switch inside you in that way.

Being a submissive has nothing to do with how much pain you can take of what outbursts you have due to insecurity ot attention or whatever- it's simply about not wanting authority within the relationship.

Being a dominant isn't about giving whippings or barking orders- it's simply about wanting authority.

I can't tell you what you should label yourself, but I would suggest you not worry about it overly much.  Your own life experience pretty much will show you the label for yourself if you listen.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Queenalice)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 8:49:20 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

However, I don't sport the classic earmarks of a submissive when I am in that state of mind. My pain tollerance is frighteningly low, and shows no sign of getting any better.


Is it possible you are confusing submission and masochism?  These are two entirely different things.  Sometimes there is a maso sub, but they do not always go together.  I am submissive, but I do not enjoy pain, I am no masochistic in any way.  That does not take away from my submission.

< Message edited by KatyLied -- 12/31/2006 8:51:15 AM >

_____________________________

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- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Queenalice)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 9:11:33 AM   
Queenalice


Posts: 25
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:




I don't sport the classic earmarks of a submissive when I am in that state of mind. My pain tollerance is frighteningly low, and shows no sign of getting any better.


Perhaps I should rephrase this. I am not a huge masochist. But I will accept pain from my Mystress if she sees fit to give it. (a rare occasion, and never over the top) I find myself, however going into fits of anger when this happens. For instance, she slapped  me across the face at one point, (an approved action on my list) and it caused me to switch, instantly. It wasn't all that painful, but the action of it caused a "How dare you strike me!" type of reaction.

Perhaps the problems lay in the difference between what I want and what I can take. 
Thank you again for letting me pick your brains 

< Message edited by Queenalice -- 12/31/2006 9:32:23 AM >

_____________________________

"Look here, Scooter. That would be my ear. What you're aiming for is about two feet Southward." Queen alice

(in reply to Queenalice)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 9:53:46 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Oh I would say that getting pissed when you're put in pain and don't want it is completely normal, and very common in the scene.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Queenalice)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 2:10:40 PM   
impetuousone


Posts: 31
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline 		Trust in your dominant to steer you in the right direction!  The direction she wants you to go!  As to having dominant feelings at this early stage...that is natural for many people.  You have just discovered a new life and are over-the-top in wanting to try everything!  Slow down and enjoy the journey, under her direction!

_____________________________

A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though awakens your own expectations.
~Patricia Neal~

(in reply to Queenalice)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 2:15:36 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		i was asked a few times if i had ever thought of being a Dom...not sure why, though

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to impetuousone)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 2:16:48 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Queenalice
However, I don't sport the classic earmarks of a submissive when I am in that state of mind. My pain tollerance is frighteningly low, and shows no sign of getting any better.

There is a school of thought that I subscribe to that says: What we do does not necessarily define who we are. Thus, being a masochist, or not, doesn't define if you are submissive, or not. I know plenty of subs and slaves who are not mascoshists...and I know plenty of Masters who are. The same is true with sadism.

quote:

Althogh I need to please her, the SAM Remarks fly out of my mouth before I can stop them. Worst yet, from time to time, during play, the words "Who the Hell do you think you are?" have found there way out.

Rebellion is common in many people. The choice you have is to either be mindful of your words or to bear the consequences of them.

quote:

Don't get me wrong. I have wild fantasies about mental submission as well as other aspects. Some of these include other people being in power over me. But they are never with out her. But I have more fantasies about being Dominate. So I guess my real question is; Am I a switch, or a Dominate that enjoys occasionally being Dominated by one particular person? I know that no one can answer this but me, but I would respect any feed back. The last thing I want is to be a fence-sitter.

Why does it have to be one or the other or solidly in the middle? You're thinking of this as a coin and that it has to be back, front or perfectly balanced on the edge. It doesn't necessarily work that way. Think of it as a sliding scale with Dominant on one end and submissive on the other. You slide along that scale based on your current desires. Sometimes that looks like a whole lot of Dominant, sometimes is doesn't.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Queenalice)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 5:19:20 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Just as bisexual doesn't mean "fucking both men and women at all times" switch doesn't mean "dominating and submitting at all times."

You can be a slave for years to one person, have no desire to dominate anyone else, and still label yourself a switch, because orientation wise, you know that there could indeed come a person who will flick that switch inside you in that way.

Being a submissive has nothing to do with how much pain you can take of what outbursts you have due to insecurity ot attention or whatever- it's simply about not wanting authority within the relationship.

Being a dominant isn't about giving whippings or barking orders- it's simply about wanting authority.

I can't tell you what you should label yourself, but I would suggest you not worry about it overly much.  Your own life experience pretty much will show you the label for yourself if you listen.


Yup what she said

quote:

  Am a Dominate that enjoys occasionally being Dominated by one particular person?


For me this is the exact reason I identify as a switch. The drive to be with and please my alpha is tremendously high and the opportunities painfully slim. We are still friends years later and that drive can sometimes be painful.
This doesn't change that my personal satisfaction is in the growth that I see happen in one of my boys, the pleading way that they look up and say yes mistress, and the relaxation of their attendence.  

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 12/31/2006 5:22:00 PM >

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 6:32:13 PM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
Why does it have to be one or the other or solidly in the middle? You're thinking of this as a coin and that it has to be back, front or perfectly balanced on the edge. It doesn't necessarily work that way. Think of it as a sliding scale with Dominant on one end and submissive on the other. You slide along that scale based on your current desires. Sometimes that looks like a whole lot of Dominant, sometimes is doesn't.

Master Fire



STANDING OVATION

Thank you very much.  I recently have decided to label myself

                                                                          D. All of the above.

Not only does the scale slide based on your current desires, but on your current partner (and their desires).   If your scale can slide the opposite of your partners to create a close enough balance...its a good day!

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.


(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Rethinking my orientation - 12/31/2006 8:04:24 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I'm a submissive who can tolerate almost no pain. I'm not into s&m, I'm into bondage. When I went looking for a dom, it was one who was also not into s & m but instead into bondage. I've been known to talk back ie "You and what army" if I'm feeling challenging or "stop that now dammit!" if I can't handle it. I'm still submissive but I'm never going to be able to tolerate pain nor do I see any reason to.

Dominant doesn't mean sadist nor does submissive equal masochist. Myself, I'm totally uninterested in anyone who wants me only to say Yes Master or No Master. I wouldn't be compatible with someone like that. So I found someone who I am compatible with, who is interested in my authentic reactions. He understands when I'm teasing and when I'm overwraught and he sees no reason to punish me for giving him feedback that he needs and wants and has asked for.

(in reply to champagnewishes)
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RE: Rethinking my orientation - 1/5/2007 4:03:15 PM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Worst yet, from time to time, during play, the words "Who the Hell do you think you are?" have found there way out. 


First off, QA, nothing bad about that at all. I watched a really intense flogging demo recently. The submissive stated from the beginning, as kind of a warning, that certain kinds of hits cause certain kinds of reactions in her...ie-"stingy" hits cause her to kind of "lose it" whereby she becomes a cursing,wall-kicking,possibly domme-hitting, sub-thing...well, she didn't hit her domme, but she sure cursed and kicked. People have all kinds of reactions during play. One sub I know can't control her laughter. Me, the first time I received a hard hit, I was shocked into silence. It's all individual, is a learning and growing process. Enjoy it and breathe and learn. We all find our way, eventually. Peace.


MNN

(in reply to Queenalice)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Rethinking my orientation - 1/6/2007 6:12:13 PM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		I'm with Master Fire and Chamgane on this one.

You are a person.  Dynamic, beautiful, and transcendent of the labels you choose to wear.  Be the person that you want to be, then be someone else when the notion strikes you.  Communicate with your partner.  Allow yourself to be you however that may manifest.

fergus

(in reply to MistressNoName)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Rethinking my orientation - 1/10/2007 6:39:29 PM   
deeddlit


Posts: 484
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I don't know how helpful this thread has been to the OP but it has been sooooooooo very helpful to me.  Thank you all very much for your posts!!

Take care and Be Cause!!
Ladydeeddlit

(in reply to fergus)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Rethinking my orientation - 1/10/2007 8:52:16 PM   
Celedane


Posts: 21
Joined: 10/17/2006
Status: offline 		Something that appeared not to get mentioned, sings out as the most basic question.  Are you happy with your partner?  As a switch it seems so, since you said she likes to switch as well.  One day you will meet that One, that will command dominance without lifting a finger, or you will meet that one that makes you want to make them crawl (whatever fits with your interests, just terms).  My point is life is long.  You have time to enjoy all parts of the spectrum.  One person said they wish they were bi and a switch, to enjoy the fullness that life can offer.

(in reply to deeddlit)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Rethinking my orientation - 1/13/2007 8:51:05 AM   
SwitchSub805


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/20/2005
Status: offline 		I second the opinion that this thread has been very helpful. I very much like the analogy of the sliding scale; varying with who-knows-what and with whomever your are with. It would be nice to think that we don't need "handles" to identify ourselfs. We do, but as long as we all understand that there are many variations within that description, it should work out well. IMHO. :)

And, FWIIW, while I've been a member of this forum for about a year, this is my first post. HI! :D

Thomas

(in reply to Celedane)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Rethinking my orientation - 1/14/2007 9:08:12 PM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

STANDING OVATION Thank you very much.  I recently have decided to label myself                                                                           D. All of the above.


I like that!

Gonna use that one.

MNN

(in reply to champagnewishes)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Rethinking my orientation - 1/15/2007 12:00:57 AM   
michaels4evr


Posts: 184
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline
i am submissive. i am slave to Michael.  However, my alter ego, does Top both boys and girls on occasion. i have often referred to myself as an s.m.s., or sadistic-masochistic-submissive. Some would call me a Sswitch. To me i am just me, no label required. It used to be my belief that most of us journeying along in the D/s lifestyle are on a continuum ranging from the most Dominant to the most submissive. Now I have the perspective that there are actually two continuums and one travels down both simultaneously. Where we fall on each continuum may vary based on time of year, month, day or current life circumstances.
 
to thine ownself be true..Yyou will find Yyour way.

(in reply to MistressNoName)
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