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Stephann -> The Line (12/31/2006 8:08:40 AM)
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I slap my slave.
If I were to slap her because she didn't make my coffee right, most people would call it abusive. If I were to do it during sex, most people would call it kink. Where is the line?
We already have guidelines along the lines of 'consent.' We both know the physical and psychological risks involved in our activities. Our negotiations didn't include a specific detail of when and where I am 'permitted' to slap her. She trusts my judgement to do so in situations and circumstances where it is appropriate (i.e. during sex, a scene, if I think she's losing her mind, if she's passing out while I see muggers coming towards us, etc.) On the other hand, the more power surrendered, the greater the possibility for the abuse of that power.
The earlier example of coffee, in our relationship, is one of the few ritual elements of our relationship. If she doesn't perform that basic function correctly, she expects 'punishment'. Face slapping doesn't normally figure into that type of punishment in our dynamic, though not because we would consider it abusive. So if in our relationship, I can slap my either during sex, or when being brought coffee, when can't I do it?
When I'm angry. When we're in public such as a city street, restaurant, or her parents house. When the curtains are open (she has a strong fear of being seen by neighbors.) Anytime the action falls outside of our established limits of acceptability. That means the carte blanche I have to determine where and when to engage in kink related activities carries a burden of responsibility to only do so, when appropriate. The motivations behind kink desires should not be confused with motivations behind desires of abuse. Here are some examples of the differences.
Encouraging my slave until she reaches 445lbs (200kilos) with the intention of further destroying her self-image would be abuse. Encouraging my slave to reach that weight because we both think she would look stunning in a leather bikini is fine.
Tying my slave up to be used and beaten by a group of strangers every night to destroy her sense of value as a human being would be abuse. Doing so once a week/month because we both love it is fine. (Yes, certainly she might love it every day, but in all but the very most extreme circumstances, daily exposure to this carries psychological risks far beyond the apparent kink. Individuals with Stockholm syndrome are not 'consenting' - but it's a moot point, since anyone who would engage in this type of extreme behavior wouldn't likely be interested in this short article on restraint.)
The difference between abuse and kink is not a fine line, it's actually two circles that half intersect each other. Standing firmly in the kink circle doesn't mean you aren't standing in the abuse circle. The difference isn't in the actions, but in the intent. If we intend to satisfy our kinks or desires without regard for the well-being (at least on a minimal level) of our partner, we've wandered into that abuse circle. In fact, many of us do it, unintentionally, all the time. That's why 'one red flag' doesn't usually bring about the end of a relationship. It's the pattern of abuse that can lead to dangerous and destructive relationships.
Stephan
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