Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communication?

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Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communication? - 12/31/2006 8:15:19 AM

SweetSarijane

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In reading through LA's thread on communication, a couple of the responses got me to thinking on the early part of a relationship. The time of getting to know one another, negotiating, and setting the dynamic. The initial communication time.

In the time I've been here on these boards and out in my local "community", I've both seen and read about different problems in various relationships, talked with those involved who've asked my opinion, and, as LA said, it comes back to communication problems, or lack of communication.

What comes to my mind on this is, in the beginning, is enough time taken to communicate and negotiate before the dynamic is set? Is the dynamic being set before all parties fully understand and agree on how it is structured? If it is done too fast, is that then a big part of why there are problems down the road in communicating? Relationship problems perhaps stemming from the beginning time of the relationship when things were rushed into, done too soon, too fast?

I am in a relationship, but no dynamic has been set yet. We talk and laugh, and are getting to know one another. His view is like mine in that time needs to be taken to get to know each other, find compatibilities, negotiate, and for all parties to be fully understanding of and in agreement on the dynamic that will be set.

Too many times in the past, I have rushed into relationships, not taking time to really get to know the person before rushing into the relationship and then hurting when things went wrong. It's a good bet that a lot of that could have been avoided if I'd simply taken the time to really get to know the person and communicate first.

I'm very interested in the thoughts and views of others on this. Thanks in advance for any replies and:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 12/31/2006 8:18:04 AM

Kalira

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With Master and I, the dynamic was in place from the moment we started talking. I would not have wanted it any other way. I had a very specific relationship in mind when I started searching again; if I had not found that in Master from the very beginning, I would have gone and looked elsewhere.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 12/31/2006 8:26:23 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Far too many novices are hungry to "have the collar" and find what they perceive will be their home.

But, as I said to someone last night, that makes them a slave to their hunger and desparation, not to their master.

It's not anything that's likely to slow down anytime soon however. Plenty of doms and subs more than willing to leap before they look.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 12/31/2006 9:13:24 AM

Celeste43

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I'm a great believer in going at the pace of the slower person. Both people have to feel comfortable in the relationship. Because if someone rushes you, you will resent it and resentment is destructive to relationships.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 12/31/2006 9:22:08 AM

WorldofSilence

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Nice topic.

Well everything I do is communication heavy, one the the things I find helps is to ask the person if they understood everything I said, it's also a good excersies to see them do this, because then you can see how they pronounce certains words, and how they intrepret the words you have said, this works both ways.

I must admit I don't think I set a Dynamicm but I do set rules from the off start, this is in everyday situations so I don't view it as a Dynamic but a nesscary communication/learning curve.

While I can do the communications curve, I don't really know when a suitable time would be to set a Dynamic as I'm still learning Myself.

WoS

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 12/31/2006 12:34:55 PM

sleazy

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For me the dynamic can be in place from day one, but even in an established relationship the dynamic can be fluid.

Even now, I'm searching for a sub, and somewhere out there I hope is a sub looking for me. I would imagine that we are both already have some sort of dynamic in mind and will subconciously act within those frameworks whilst we work towards a common ground

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 12/31/2006 4:29:39 PM

NControlofU

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The dynamic between people is not something that is "set". There is a dynamic (or not) that happens when you first meet someone and it is something that can and will change over the course of time, without any action needed for it to happen. Some people are considered "dynamic" and some people are not. It's an energy that you feel (or not) with someone. People can, and do, set their agenda and their rules and their timetable and their scene but, you can't "set the dynamic" with someone. It's either there or it's not. You either feel it or you don't and you either like it or you don't. Probably the closest you can get to trying to "set the dynamic" you have with someone is in deciding how you will react to the way you feel about them. But, the dynamic is going to be there (or not), whether you like it or not, without "setting" it.

What needs to be understood, when going into a new relationship is what the expectations are - your own and the other person's - and be very clear and honest with yourself and each other about those expectations right from the start. Decide, for yourself, if the other person's expectations are compatible with your own and be honest with yourself about it. Everyone has expectations, which also can and often do change over the course of time, and a lot of the time they are left unspoken and then, they are usually left unmet. That just leads to disappointment, misunderstandings, etc.

As is always the case, in any relationship, it is far better to communicate with each other, openly and honestly from the very beginning what each person's needs/wants/expectations are and that will help to head off a lot of the potential for problems down the road. The communication needs to be open, honest, and clear from the start and remain that way throughout the relationship to keep it going and to keep it good and keep it from becoming stagnant.

< Message edited by NControlofU -- 12/31/2006 4:43:58 PM >

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 12/31/2006 5:44:48 PM

SweetSarijane

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I don't necessarily agree that a dynamic is not set. I can see relationship dynamics happening, for lack of a better word, automatically....fluidly as the relationship develops. When referring to setting the dynamic, I mean the time when both/all parties decide to accept one another in a D/s or M/s relationship. For me, I can't just jump straight into that without knowing I fully understand what is/will be expected of me and agreeing to it, wanting it as well as what he intends to give me in return should I submit.

For example: Is it going to be monogamous? Is it going to be an all encompassing relationship such as love, living together or married? D/s, M/s only?

These are just some of the things all parties need to be fully aware of the answers to both from themselves and their partner/Master/Dom.

I fully understand and realize that what works for me doesn't necessarily work for all and I accept other's views and ways that work for them without making blanket statements that say I'm right and you're wrong if you believe differently.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 12/31/2006 5:50:49 PM

SweetSarijane

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Far too many novices are hungry to "have the collar" and find what they perceive will be their home.

But, as I said to someone last night, that makes them a slave to their hunger and desparation, not to their master.

It's not anything that's likely to slow down anytime soon however. Plenty of doms and subs more than willing to leap before they look.

I too made the mistake, more than once, of leaping before I looked even before I found bdsm, and I paid the prices for those choices and I finally learned from them. I see the folly of moving too fast. Granted there are exceptions in that some have connected and jumped right in and years later have a solid and strong relationship, but all too often that is not the case when you move too fast.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 1/1/2007 11:37:15 AM

SweetSarijane

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WorldofSilence

Nice topic.

While I can do the communications curve, I don't really know when a suitable time would be to set a Dynamic as I'm still learning Myself.

WoS

Thank you <smile> and basically what I mean by setting the dynamic is simply the time when both/all parties are ready to enter into the D/s, M/s relationship...when the sub/slave is ready to accept the Dom as "her" Dom/Master (adjust for your own preferences as to the D and the s).

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 1/1/2007 1:46:47 PM

LTRsubNW

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I was in conversation with a Domme some time back. She wanted everything to be as if in a D/s book, wanted me to address her in a particular way from the get go.

I got...going.

"NEXT!"

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 1/1/2007 3:45:33 PM

SweetSarijane

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I had to grin at that. I've "met" those types too and see ya.."NEXT!" is generally my reaction too.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 1/1/2007 4:25:02 PM

crouchingtigress

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yeah i did the mistake of jumping into a template of a relationship.....we were such dorks.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 1/1/2007 4:29:08 PM

Quivver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NControlofU

The dynamic between people is not something that is "set". There is a dynamic (or not) that happens when you first meet someone and it is something that can and will change over the course of time, without any action needed for it to happen. Some people are considered "dynamic" and some people are not. It's an energy that you feel (or not) with someone. People can, and do, set their agenda and their rules and their timetable and their scene but, you can't "set the dynamic" with someone. It's either there or it's not.

Thank You Thank You Thank You.... I swore I was weird for thinking this way!

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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 1/2/2007 1:42:10 PM

DoesntDance

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I think that moving too fast is a misnomer. I don't think it is a question of how fast you go, it is a question of how transparently you go. If -- and this is sometimes a very big "if" -- both of you can understand where the other is coming from (i.e., there is sufficient transparency) let's say, overnight, then overnight is not too fast. (Ref: Kalira's post, above.) For others, the temptations of self-delusion and/or deliberate obfuscation may mean that "years and years and years" is too fast.

I also have a bit of unease around the idea that there is some preliminary period devoted to negotiation. I think that succeeds only when the people involved have a very wide range of acceptable outcomes. I do not. I will not negotiate. I will endeavor to express my choices...clearly, succinctly, transparently. But negotiating implies, at least to me, that I will be compromising myself -- trading this for that, that for this. No way. I'm not compromising for anyone. And, I think I am "learnable" in a very short time. It is more a process of revealing myself, from which the other person decides, "yep" or "nope." And vice versa.

All that being said, I'll bet that investing a little more time at the beginning -- whether it be to communicate, or to compromise, or to make transparent, or even to negotiate -- correlates highly with more successful relationship outcomes. Nilla people don't often marry their sophomore-year-of-high-school sweetheart, after all -- and the few that do are pounced upon at age 25 following their divorce!!

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 1/2/2007 8:39:10 PM

DominaSmartass

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To the OP - I agree with you very much. I am currently in my most successful d/s relationship and the d/s is not the strongest part of the relationship or the foundation, which is fine with me because I've seen how it has changed and strengthened over the time we've known each other. All of my previous relationships or attempts, really, were ones where the d/s was the basis and was laid out there 100% from day one. I much prefer what I'm doing now where I have found a person that makes me happy and in time it has grown that making me happy is what makes me happy. Nice when that happens, huh? Still the times that we interact on a d/s level are less than the times that we interact like girlfriend/boyfriend, roommates, and friends. And since we're both happy with that, it's great. I know for some people it wouldn't work.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 9/21/2007 8:12:43 PM

slavepette

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quote:

Sarah2

Worked well for U/us Master!

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 9/21/2007 8:59:00 PM

RRafe

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Desperation breeds idiocy.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 9/21/2007 9:01:17 PM

slaverosebeauty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane
.... in the beginning, is enough time taken to communicate and negotiate before the dynamic is set?

For MJ an I, friendship was and has always been our underlieing 'dynamic' the M/s and relationship is new; we were both open to it when we met; so it fell into place. Over the years of being friends we have discussed relationships and various dynamics of what we did or did not like, even now we STILL talk about our relationship dynamic and things changes as we get closer to eachother and things meld.

quote:

Is the dynamic being set before all parties fully understand and agree on how it is structured?

Like all healthy things, a healthy relationship matures and evolves, and changes as those who are involved change. I don't think its practical or logicalt o have such things set 'in stone' or try too, you are setting yourself up for failure in the long run by being that unrealistic and not being open to changes or to new doors.

quote:

If it is done too fast, is that then a big part of why there are problems down the road in communicating?

It can be, also you get into FORCING a relationship and not letting it mature naturally; I have been guilty of that in the past, wanting something so bad that things were forced and they ended up crashing before they had a healthy chance to take root and get established. Now, I work on letting things happen at their own natural pace, slow at times, other times, faster.

[qute]
Relationship problems perhaps stemming from the beginning time of the relationship when things were rushed into, done too soon, too fast?

I would say, 'yes.' People get so swept away in the here and now, that they aren't thinking clearly; thts when trouble can set in. Rushing itno things is asking for trouble.

We see it on here all the time, people asking WHEN they will finally meet someone, or the newcomers who after a few weeks or less, have found their 'One.' They are not being realistic. You also have the constant stream of posts that basically come down to 'communicate with your partner;' yet, people jump and don't look or they don't get a handle on things and forget to get to KNOW their partner before taking the new step(s). Its a broken record at times. Take your time. Communicate. Don't rush. Let things happen at their own pace. Yet, so few do thse things.

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RE: Setting the Dynamic too Fast Without Enough Communi... - 9/21/2007 9:01:58 PM

mnottertail

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I will do the idiocy thing for really good blowjobs.......(if there is a call for that type of thing in the community)...................'cause that is the kinda guy I am.

Ron

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