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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/1/2007 8:04:34 PM

MzMia

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lol, maybe, but past behavior is usually a clue to future behavior.
Many people do not change that easily.
But I will see.

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/1/2007 11:22:24 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subfever
To explore the long-term potential of an interested partner, do we really need any more than adequate: chemistry, compatibility, and communication?

I like this, and I agree with the Seinfeld/neurotic characterization.
I think part of the problem even for not-terribly-neurotic types like myself, is that when someone is investing a good deal of money and time to come meet me, I tend to shy away quicker if I don't feel he has "the one" potential. I have a good deal of guilt in causing someone to waste a lot of money for no good reason. On the other hand, if someone lives within driving distance, than I'm not at all worried about how perfect he is, because as long as I get a decent human vibe, I'm willing to sit and talk face to face to explore the presence of adequate chemistry.

If I'm talking/emailing with someone who is outside driving distance, the stakes are much higher in my mind, and I than seem increasingly particular about our potential to form a relationship. M

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 1:07:34 AM

maleslave07

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The issue is more of what your morals and values are along with how desperate you have become in your search to find your Dom/me, sub, or slave. I admire the man who is completely honest with you. People always say they want honesty and seek it in a mate or whatever. You have found that and in some ways it scares you because now you know more than you wished you knew. That's the problem with honesty.

The question you should be asking yourself is if he had not told you everything then would you still be attracted to him? Everybody has skeletons in their closet. Everybody has some sort of problem that needs to be worked out. These are just facts of life. People always ask where are all the "nice" people. The loyal, faithful, honest, etc...to be honest about it they are all around you for the most part. The problem is that we all have our faults or are at different stages in our lives that cause us to be slightly out of line with each other at any given moment in time.

I could use my life as an example: 15 years ago I was at my peak...had everything I could ever have wanted in life except for one thing...somebody to share it with, to give my life meaning and purpose. I eventually found that person, but they were not in the same stage of life as myself. 5 years later they eventually were, but my situation had changed in the meantime, a little for the better (got an education), a little for the worst (lost my income).

You would normally say with the education you would normally balance out the loss in income. And I would normally agree, but through a series of minor mistakes, that then led to more minor mistakes. Which further led to more and more minor mistakes. None of which in itself are uncorrectable or earthshattering. Things just fell apart between us after 5 more years. 5 years later and my life is still not back together all due to those little mistakes you could say.

Now if you knew me then, 15 years ago, and now and then compared how I was then verses now you would notice a huge difference in some things and no difference in others. The question comes down to: Are the things that changed for the worst, the things that truely matter in life? It comes down to what you value in life and truely hold dear to your heart.

I am still the nice, giving, faithful, obediant, loving, self-sacrificing person I was 15 years ago and have been my whole life. But if you concentrate on my faults I could easily be thrown to the sharks. I hear about my faults all the time, I feel them also every day. I have to live with them it seems daily. Can they be turned around, easily corrected? Yes if given the chance and the right circumstances. Will it take time, energy, and effort? Yes. Are any of them true deal breakers if you knew the whole story behind them? No.

So basically it comes down to what you are truely seeking in life and what you truely hold dear. Everyone has something that somebody can find fault with if they wish to find fault with anything. Just look at Sienfield, how many hot girlfriends has Jerry had? Yet as somebody pointed out he seems to find something wrong with each and every one of them.

You talk of lowering your standards, when you should be examining what those standards are and whether or not they are truely important or not. How petty are your standards? As for chemistry, that is something personal which we have very little control over except to say how petty we truely are in life. And yes chemistry is petty when you think about it. Consider how many good and nice people you have thrown out because they did not meet all your specifications in just the right way. Just call yourself Jerry.

True relationships that last have foundations built up over time. They are built upon those standards and values which we hold dear and true and which I believe everybody seeks. Yes I am a Jerry in some ways. I will not lower those values which I hold dear to me. Beyond that I try to give everybody an equal chance. Too bad I still have a little Jerry in me holding me back at times.

Robert

< Message edited by maleslave07 -- 1/2/2007 1:14:06 AM >

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 1:31:00 AM

pixelslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

lol, maybe, but past behavior is usually a clue to future behavior.
Many people do not change that easily.
But I will see.

In my experience, a person who can recognize their own contributions and behavior which they may not be proud of, and admit them to someone else, has a self-awareness that makes them far less likely to repeat the same behavior/mistakes they've made in the past. To me, it is definitely a sign of great personal growth.

I wish you well Ms Mia in your new relationship and hope you have come to understand that receiving honest answers that show insight and understanding into one's own behavior are quite valuable in determining where a person is at in their emotional development. In my opinion, it is better to have made mistakes and learned from them, than to never have made a mistake, thus having missed experiencing the many wonders of life in the process of avoiding the fear as well as the risk one always takes that they will make a mistake in any kind of relationship. We all must eventually learn to forgive ourselves for our mistakes so others can accept us as being human; allowing us to move on with our lives and perhaps becoming part of theirs as well.

- pixel

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 5:56:17 AM

Lashra

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I think you have to be picky and not settle for just anyone. If you just *settle* I am pretty sure your setting yourself up for some heartbreak if not worse. Life is just too short to live it unhappy.
I'll remain picky rather then introduce unneeded bad drama into my life.

~Lashra

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 9:55:42 AM

lunamor

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I understand what was said about (unfairly) holding a guy's past against him: as I was getting to know my slave-sub-what-you-will, he told me that he'd engaged in some extraordinarily raunchy sm experiences and they'd been sold as films and photodocumented online by the prodoms for whom he'd performed the services. I was deeply disgusted, and it was a near deal-breaker for me. I talked about it with my friend, also a Mistress. I'm very grateful for her balanced outlook, she helped me see that I was being incredibly unfair. Cooler heads prevailed, and I continued the relationship. If I'd broken it off for something he'd done in his past I'd have never known how loving and attentive he could be, and I'd have lost a wonderful person and an adoring slave.
If you like this guy and he's giving you good signals, give him a chance to prove he's wrong for you before deciding that he is :-)
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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 10:14:13 AM

TigressOfDs

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

Dear MzMia, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In the clarification of the "picky" thread, to where it is more of holding a past transgression that a gentleman did--will never be forgotten in my mind's eyes I see; as the 'intent' of the thread.

Like an elephant, if I witnessed an action, conduct, statements and or other things which made me judgmental in a negative manner; it is due to the internal measure or codes and or laws we (in general terms) judge people who come into our (in general sense) personal circle and if lucky, the intimate circle. No matter what excuses or double speak that we (in general) proffer as to give a person another chance or having second thoughts on; will backfire later as the first impressions are the most lasting. When there is an argument or when things get ugly--history will be stirred up again and used as a weapon.

Character, compatibility and other traits are what are some of the ingredients to which we (in general) build upon in regard to communication, negotiation and or relationships.

What is troublesome for those who follow; are those who are judged based upon what another did as to 'scar' the person. We all have had people who have given us scars as far as honor, trust and other qualities we're seeking in our relationships. That said, they are "our" scars. We can hide them, mask them through many techniques however the injury, the harm, the hurt and the constant reminders of what such scars have done--never go away but, are managed by the person who carries such scars.

When individuals carry scars that make them cynical, it is because a repeated manifestation has demonstrated to our mind's eyes; that something or quality of men or women, and or [insert traits, behavior, character, habits, etc.]; has created a 'ouch' reaction and a strong avoidance to having such repeated.

Only when a person who comes into the view of our judgment and what is used as the 'scales' of judgment, standards, laws and our codes of what will be tolerated or not; who is proffered our (in general sense) scars can understand the roots of them and avoid offending or reopen the wounds that have blemished our levels of trust, joy and or whatever areas where scars cover. Some may see it as baggage. However you look at it--the person who enters another person's life, will have to make sure they do not pick and expose the scars but, avoid those areas as to continue healing and or deminish the impact they created in the first place. This calls for an understanding partner indeed.

Again, nobody is a mind reader and communication as to why we (in general sense) are picky/cynical; the other person must decide to either deal with it or move on. Anybody looking for a partner will not find perfection, even if a person is a perfectionist. In my mind's eyes I see if somebody fits 80% of what I seek I'll be blessed, as I can work with the other 20%.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

Lady Hugs; I too admire your insight and willingness to share with this board.
Although I don't agree with Dr.Phil's methodology , one thing he said that I do agree with is that past behavior predicts future behavior unless Great strides are taken to chance (not quoted, just paraphrased)

Ms. Kat
Listen carefully to what is said,take what you need,then blow the rest away with a breath of kindness. But always watch what they do, for in action there is always a clue. kd2003

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 10:34:21 AM

slavebrandyj

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I agree with TigressofDs, That is an insightful post Lady Hugs. Especially the last sentence about being 80% of what You want. I know I am at least 80% of what the Domme that just ended our relationship wanted. But She won't work with the 20% Maybe because of what you believe from that idiot Dr. Phil. Sorry Ma'am, I have made those great strides and the Lady that just dumped me knows it, yet she is unwilling to believe it or see it.
Now She is getting hateful and grasping at every reason to call it quits. Ya know, it might just come down to the simple fact that she never loved me in the least. But I know she tried and tried hard. Just not hard enough or long enough in my opinion. She went from saying she loved me and wanted me in her life to now saying I shoud not contact her anymore. Odd how the dumped one that tries hard to communicate and save a relationship becomes the dumper's enemy simply becaue he loves her and wants to try. But I guess an unwanted suiter gets to be a royal pain in the ass. I wish I could just walk away and forget her.

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 10:44:48 AM

kittensmailbox

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i am not too picky, i just know what i want and what i need...

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 10:57:07 AM

Sylph

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I am of the opinion that being discerning is not a bad thing. Why should spank someone who I don't even like? Why would I expect someone who does not like me to do anything for me?

I think being aware of what you are looking for and compatibility are important things when you are searching. I was looking for a relationship with a little BDSM on the side. That is what I have. There was a good amount of filtering before I found someone who was looking for the same thing.

S

< Message edited by Sylph -- 1/2/2007 10:59:21 AM >

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 5:53:31 PM

focalss

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I just don't get the women here, there are so many single guys. While I am a little down on getting rejected recently, I just really don't see women making any effort at all to meet. Yes talking or chatting is fine but if you don't meet you are not serious. Maybe it is just not a good place to meet people for either men or women.

I don't find women to be picky as much as not honest with men or themselves. Looks and money matter more than personality but you never see too many women admit that and if those are the main characteristics then all the talk in the world or getting to know someone isn't going to change how things go when you meet each other.

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 6:09:33 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

ORIGINAL: focalss
Looks and money matter more than personality but you never see too many women admit that and if those are the main characteristics then all the talk in the world or getting to know someone isn't going to change how things go when you meet each other.

Pretty certain for a first time poster on what matters to women most... I'm sorry that is your impression and you've been unable to attract a woman who's priorities might be slightly different. M

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 6:45:07 PM

jthorne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: focalss

I just don't get the women here, there are so many single guys. While I am a little down on getting rejected recently, I just really don't see women making any effort at all to meet. Yes talking or chatting is fine but if you don't meet you are not serious. Maybe it is just not a good place to meet people for either men or women.

I don't find women to be picky as much as not honest with men or themselves. Looks and money matter more than personality but you never see too many women admit that and if those are the main characteristics then all the talk in the world or getting to know someone isn't going to change how things go when you meet each other.

I'm sorry you think all "the women here" are heterosexual and want a "single guy". Or that you can't be perfectly serious and not jump to meet at the first set of emails. Yes, I have done it here on CM, and as a result things are going good. But that's because I met the person as a friend first and THEN a potential play buddy. I am not sure I would do it again with anyone else, actually. Online is just too risky and I should think safety would trump "serious".

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 7:53:47 PM

MzMia

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Thank you for the heartfelt and wonderful post, maleslave!!

pixel? LOL It has already fizzled, he is not what I seek. But he is funny and amusing,
which is better than nothing.

Lunamor? I just found out he was living with someone. LOL He "forgot" to tell me that.

Tigress? I agree, once a cad often always a cad. LOL

focalss? LOL keep posting, you are very entertaining

***2007? Bring it on!***

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/2/2007 7:58:54 PM

MzMia

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**Mia's Update**
Well, the submissive male I have been talking to finally had to come clean.
He is living with someone, but in a so called "open relationship".
It must not be to open, he could not manage to sneak on the phone to call me.
LOL
Anyway, I told him I was not upset and we are still on speaking terms.
Maybe past behavior IS an indicator of future behavior.
Maybe not.
Anyway, I am happy and excited about 2007.
I feel so proud of myself, instead of getting depressed, I actually LAUGHED.
He had told so many little "lies", it was becoming a comedy show.
***2007? Bring in on!***

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/3/2007 12:27:37 AM

lunamor

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Dear MzMia,

Congratulations on taking it in stride with humor :-)

Still, I stick by what I said in reference to your original post regarding "being too judgmental about a potentials past relationships"...

gotta agree though, having a CURRENT relationship is a different kettle of fish!

Lunamor

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/3/2007 3:54:03 AM

asubmissiveheart

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Sounds like you have taken the cad in stride, ma'am. Good luck to you.

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/3/2007 5:03:22 PM

bbwdommelilith

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I would be wary about judging someone by their past relationships; we learn through experience. Also, different people bring out different qualities in us in accordance with the chemistry. That is not to say that it is not important to look at someone's negative patterns, but it is far more important to observe how they are with you. Maybe you will be the one to bring out the best in your partner.

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/3/2007 6:19:29 PM

seaturtle50

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Speaking for myself, in my past (vanilla) relationships i settled for not getting the 20% lifestyle part. I have had a few very healthy and wonderful relationships and it was all worth it in the long run - but i have decided that "settling" is not appropriate for me in my future relationship(s). Having said that, i do not expect to meet the perfect W/woman. i do expect to find a workable relationship that is fufilling to both participants.

i have noticed what i perceive to be a consistant issue on here, that may be pertinent to the topic. That is the issue of people of both persuasions (D/s/s) living in the past. It does continue to amaze me when meeting most (notice i did not say all) and beginning conversations - it almost seems like She is looking for the "hidden" issue. She is asking a few key questions to immediately catch him in some "Ah-Ha" moment so She can announce how incompatible he is and immediately move on. So at times i have felt as though i am paying for the past crimes of others. i am always willing and happy to pay for my own crimes - and will be honest about any and all of them - but it is certainly slightly frustrating for One to not even take a reasonable amount of time to get to know another - and to judge compatability on that (new) individual alone.

Part of the reason this is problem that my be preventing One from finding one, is that when the process is done as i described above - it requires a serious intuitive skill-set in order for One to not short change themselves. Of course most of U/us will doubt that we are not experts at this divining of the truth in others. All i am saying is that not every male on here is a player, lier, cheater, or seeking to "Dom from the bottom". i personally have been accused of all of these (implied or straight out) and it is a natural fact that it was not true in any one instance. (References of people that actually know me on request).

i am not saying i do not understand the reasons behind this behavior - i do not think there is a need to list them all again (some of them of course are already listed in this very thread) but i want to say that it is sad to some degree, and no doubt is or has robbed some of reasonable, happy, and contented relationships as self fufilling prophosies tend to do.

i would also like to note that this same behavior seems to be the extreme exception when meeting new people in the real world - so it may have allot to do with the whole online thing.

quote:

I think part of the problem even for not-terribly-neurotic types like myself, is that when someone is investing a good deal of money and time to come meet me, I tend to shy away quicker if I don't feel he has "the one" potential. I have a good deal of guilt in causing someone to waste a lot of money for no good reason.

BlkTallFullfig

- So nice to read Your words again. Respectfully though, i am afraid i must disagree slightly with what You have said. Having talked with You many times, and gotten to know You a bit as a result ... i am certain it would be impossible for a man to waste money on You - regardless the reason ;-)

That said (and sorry - no hijack intended) it is that manner that You carry within Yourself that makes what i have said about You true. (i do hope You are well and content.)

Settling for less than one truely wants, needs, desires? Not a good idea as Y/you may just get what you settle for.

Holding onself and others to minimum standards - a requirement if You need to be true to Y/yourself.

May i humbly suggest fair investigation on an individual basis prior to contempt?

st50

< Message edited by seaturtle50 -- 1/3/2007 6:26:35 PM >

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RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? - 1/3/2007 7:17:48 PM

DiamondDiva

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Actually, I use to think that I was to picky but then I thought about it, why can't I have everything I want in a mate or a sub? As far as I am concerned just as long as I keep my wants and needs confined to character issues and not "superfluous" stuff.

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