RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (Full Version)

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MzMia -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/3/2007 7:46:39 PM)

**Waving** thanks for posting seaturtle.  I like to hear a variety of opinions.  Of course I don't have to
agree, though.  LOL  I have to say that past behavior is often linked to future behavior.  That said, of
course people can change, and many do.  But then again, many don't.   I think you have to do what you
feel is best for you.
Mia
**2007?**Bring it on!



LadyHugs -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/3/2007 8:41:34 PM)

Dear slavebrandyj, TigressofDs, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I do not recall ever using Dr. Phil in this particular thread.  However, in my own personal experience in dealing with my long lasting relationships I find success with 80% of what I'm looking for.  I can work with the 20%. 
 
The slave also has to find 80% of what they are looking for me also.  They must also work with the 20%.
 
Even so-- as long as the percentage is higher on your side, the other percentage is workable.  It may work through compromise, through growth, through other communication and other tools offered in how to have successful relationships.
 
The scales tip back and forth in the 'getting to know you' phase.  However, gut instinct will be the most 'telling' of all.
 
Dr. Phil is fine at what he does.  However, I am no Dr. Phil and I don't always agree with what he says and even in the lifestyle community, there will be moments when a person I may dislike says something that I will agree with.  It works with liking a person and disgree most solidly of what they say or do.  That is life.  That is what makes each person unique, as we (in general terms) march to our own drum beat.
But, please don't assume my post is a Dr. Phil moment.  I existed before Dr. Phil and Oprah and other programs.  I was born in a Black and White TV set era, and I already had the 80/20 formula.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



LadyHugs -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/3/2007 9:16:45 PM)

Dear slavebrandyj,
 
I read your post and have made a comment in regard to Dr. Phil--to which nothing Dr. Phil was said or mentioned in my two prior postings.  However, I do want to address the more personal side of your post.
 
In summary, you said that the Lady dominant in this newly ended relationship saw the 80% in you of what she had sought.  The workable 20% in your mind's eyes was 'workable.'
 
What needs to be said, that D/s and or M/s is consensual on both sides of the whip.  Each person in the relationship sees things differently and have selective hearing at times.  At times people 'want' so much in a desperate way to love and or be loved; that love is projected in a skewed manner and is based on perception and or assumption; rather than on the romantic side and or the fond and or affection side.  In my mind's eyes the word "love" means so many things in so many contexts that its a word to avoid and use other words to more accurately measure where the 'spirit of intent' in the use of 'love' comes from.  For example; I do love people.  I love them dearly indeed and I am affectionate.  However, that does not mean that I am ready to hop into a relationship.  But, the sad part in seeking a partner; sometimes or wants do not match with the needs.
 
Needs are something that is the measure of which the 80% of a person's match should focus.  People need security, loyalty, faithfulness and things of that nature.  A want, would be more like a short man/tall man, etc., person who doesn't smoke, etc.  In addition,
people stripped of the trappings of their titles, their work lables or job titles, the tainted glasses made from fantasy, desire, lust, envy, sexual draw and the temptation to remold and or change a person entirely is folly.
 
Pushing a person despite the past pleasures and words of affection and such, changing them is not the answer.  Isn't it best now to find out that the split is ugly and manifests the ugly under the trappings of beauty. 
 
In my mind's eyes, I find some are people pleasers and do try their hardest to please the potential partner but, as it happens the closer to commitment and or, the point of no return--morals, ethics and self identity looms large before them.  Truth is at their feet and a choice must be made.  Be honest to self and stop the progress that is moving into the direction of living a lie or, to continue the lie as not to hurt you but resent the fact that they felt obligated out of guilt, out of people pleasing despite their internal ethics and morals shouting no, being miserable and sick within.
 
Each person, regardless of their roles in the relationship, be it Dominant or submissive; must and I repeat MUST; be able to halt any movement into disaster at any point prior to making a fateful choice.
When they say NO--it means No.  Both parties must cease and let the issue rest.  Both parties need to allow the other space to reflect.  But, one thing that is so hard to do--is safe another when they aren't willing to be saved.  But, one must allow another to make mistakes and learn from them. 
 
The bravest thing of all, is to end the relationship with the same respect and dignity as it began.  I've been blessed with relationships ending with respect and dignity.  Indeed it hurts emotionally, mentally and physically--but, when ending on a good note; we still have our communication as friends, even though not as D/s and or M/s.
 
It is taking that higher ground that allows another to 'save face.'  Even when wronged; taking the higher level of dignity and respect will be rewarded.  One can look into the mirror and know they did their best and sleep well knowing such.
 
Perhaps a better person will come and be even more rich in the qualities you seek.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 



MzMia -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/4/2007 4:24:59 AM)

Hello Lady Hugs,
Now you should know how much I admire you, BUT I must agree to disagree on this last post.
I saw nothing wrong with MNN profile.  Of course, she can "dress" it up to "impress" potential
submissives.  But if this is how she is "feeling", does she "owe" it to others to put forth a "false"
self?  We are allowed to have feelings, one of the issues that I have with a lot of people is the fact
they must put forth a "false" self.  Have you read Dr. Phil's book, "Self Matters"?  Most people
tend to project an "image" that they think others want to see.  Its a game of bait and switch, because
eventually the real self tends to come out.  That is why so many complain about how they meet
someone and the person "changed".  I rather find out early on, what your problems and issues are.
I am not seeking someone perfect and at my age, I rather find out sooner or later.  That way I can
decide if they are deal breakers.  I personally, don't seek perfection and I am leery of profiles and
people that seem to good to be true.  Often, these people are projecting serious false images and I
don't feel like spending long periods of time trying to figure out "who they really are".
{{{{{{Lady Hugs}}}}}}  These boards are wonderful, we can agree to disagree, and still be civil!
[:D]
2007? Bring it on!



LadyHugs -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/4/2007 9:24:34 AM)

Dear MzMia, Ladies and Gentlemen;

It seems to be a historical courting issue as people trying to find a mate. Where, as you put it via through Dr. Phil "Self Matters."  But, before Dr. Phil -- the 'lifestyle' I was introduced to so many years ago, used the terms of "packaging for public consumption," which really is just a different way of saying the same thing.

People in public put their best foot forward and its only when behind closed doors what was public isn't always what is private.  The lifestyle was discrete back then, with no support and or educational organization; so these 'formulas' and sayings were passed about as to get a realistic view on what may/can/should/could happen when matches were made.

As much as time has changed--human behavior really hasn't changed all that much.  You see this commonly so, from the acquaintance levels up to M/s and or D/s levels in living together and after the honeymoon period is over--you find that you got into something you didn't bargain for.  Sometimes, life interrupts, illness, death and the like.  However--when two people grow to accustom to each other, it seemingly is a pattern to be aware of, that assumptions will be the other will stay and be contented.
I think those in the lifestyle newer to the relationship factor have a harder time staying matched but, after the first relationship -- the fantasy and romance of what M/s or D/s lifestyle is becomes more of what reality is; so the second and or following matches are more realistic, as its from experience one judges--not from wishful thinking.

As for anybody's profiles.  I do not even participate in threads who ask for advice on making their profiles or whatnot.  A profile is personal and that person should create it, own up to it and or be responsible for it; as well as to be responsible for the truth and or lies within it.  In my mind's eyes I see--I am responsible for my own happiness in finding a mate.  I don't like being a profile police officer.  That isn't my job.  However, I do support anybody who makes their standards and have occassional doubts based upon results.  To be 'yourself' is the best truth in all of us.
Flaws and all --being yourself isn't false.  It is a 'take it or leave it' proposition.

So, the question is--are we (in a general sense) too picky.  I do say, that some may swing to the absurd and some swing to the other extreme of not being picky enough.
But, one needs to be able to find a good match--not by my standards but, theirs and theirs alone.  And, the support to that needs to be acknowledged, as it really is a matter of finding one's bliss/joy/happiness.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



maleslave07 -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/4/2007 10:27:24 AM)

The problem is an issue of how much honesty should someone put forward about themselves. If they put too much is it a true reflection on who they actually are? Or just a snap shot at their current problems/situation?

Ultimately a person should be judged by the whole of their life, thus their character. But people have made mistakes in the past which they regret and/or often repeat over and over again without different results. If you keep repeating past mistakes then you have not learned anything from them.

In my opinion you can tell alot about somebody's character on how they deal with their mistakes and diversity as a whole. Do they rise to the challenge or break down in face of it? Do they have friends that come to their rescue or desert them? Do they learn anything or continue down the same path?

Its easy to judge someone by your own experiences, but until you have truely walked in their shoes you can never know how you would have faired in the same circumstances. Its easy for a rich man to say money doesn't matter since he has tons of money. Ask the poor man though and he might say that money is all that matters, since he struggles from day to day to earn it. One thing I can say about material things, money cannot buy happiness but it can take away alot of misery.

Don't get me wrong in the sense that if you do not have money then you are unhappy. A poor man can be just as happy as a rich man, or even happier. Its finding contentment with what you truely are and where you are in life that brings you happiness. If you are not aware of who you are and what you value then you will never be able to give that happiness to somebody else and share it with them.

I've been rich and I've been poor, along with everywhere in between. I know what I am and what I need to be happy. The simple basics in life and then someone to share it with to make it all worthwhile.

I'm picky in some ways and not very picky in others. Just about anybody meet my standards. The lowest one, yes. But the most important ones seem to be elusive and hard to find. At times I feel as if I should just settle, after all I could easily find happiness with anybody. That's the type of personality I have...submissive and accepting in nature, rarely questioning why or how come. But to be honest I want more...I want love, compassion, desire, and everything else.

People complain about others putting up a fake front...then doing the bait and switch on them. Too much honesty and you might never take the chance to get to know the person for what is truely inside them. Not enough honesty and they think you are being dishonest. Too much and they don't give you a chance. You cannot have it both ways people. I'm not saying that you should lie...that is being outright dishonest, but ommission is not necessarily lying.

I've had girlfriends tell me they are divorced, separated, single, etc...just to find out that they are married still. Should I throw them to the wind or give them a chance? Usually its throw to the wind unless they at least file for divorce immediately. I don't want mine to be cheating on me thus I don't want to cheat with them. I do have my principles.

But I had a girlfriend once that told me she was divorced...then I found out she was still married and living with the guy. But I also found out that she had several months prior to meeting me had actually filed for divorce and that the divorce had just not been finalized. So I gave her a chance, the guy moved out a month later. Several months down the road when her divorce was just about to be finalized, thus making me happy, she decided to call it off and go back to him. I would not have but that is her decision. I told her that if she called off the divorce it was final between us, so that ended it between us.

I did not compremise my values though when dating her, I never slept with her or had sex with her. I was her friend. Did I want to fuck her and everything else...hell yes. Do I question myself that if I had we might still be together today...maybe/maybe not. Did she meet most of what I was looking for in a woman...for the most part...80%. The other 20% I could live with though. One thing though I have no regrets about is that I did not sleep with her, I kept to my principles and what mattered most to me. Faithfulness, loyalty, and honor.

To be honest I don't know if she was all that, we had opportunity but we never pressed the issue. So who knows? All I can say is she was not unfaithful with me. And in my eyes that at least was an honorable quality given that she was technically still married. And yes I admire her for that much, even if I think she was an idiot for going back to the guy.

So was she a liar in some ways, yes. Did she omit relevant facts, yes. But at least she told the complete truth prior to anything happening. And I found out alot about her morals and character when she decided to return to him. She accused him of alot of things during their divorce, which I always took with a grain of salt as to their truthfulness. Yes I saw police reports as to the physical abuse...minor and questionable in my opinion, but something I did take seriously, after all this would be something not to take lightly if true. This is a divorce and people lie unfortuately, I know I was lied about during my divorce and accused of some things that were not true in the least. Whether she did lie or not I don't know. But by going back to him either she is a liar for the accusations or complacent with them if they were true by going back (she also accused him of child molestation - I didn't see evidence of that, not that I would have though). Either way I'm glad I'm not with her today...I don't want somebody lying about me or being complacent with what I do if its bad. Some things are correctable and forgivable others are not.

Her lying about being divorced already was correctable. Her lying about the accusations if untrue might just be because she was going through a divorce and was scared. Although I disagree completely about lying during a divorce, as my mom says...everybody does it...but as I say...that might be true, but I don't. In anycase that is something I could forgive her in the long run. Her going back to him though is something I cannot forgive. Thus I did not settle.

One last thought...you can tell alot about a person by the friends they keep. If you want to know something about somebody, just look at the actions and character of his friends. Then make up your mind about him/her.



MzMia -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/4/2007 2:37:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs
Dear MzMia, Ladies and Gentlemen;

It seems to be a historical courting issue as people trying to find a mate. Where, as you put it via through Dr. Phil "Self Matters."  But, before Dr. Phil -- the 'lifestyle' I was introduced to so many years ago, used the terms of "packaging for public consumption," which really is just a different way of saying the same thing.

People in public put their best foot forward and its only when behind closed doors what was public isn't always what is private.  The lifestyle was discrete back then, with no support and or educational organization; so these 'formulas' and sayings were passed about as to get a realistic view on what may/can/should/could happen when matches were made.

As much as time has changed--human behavior really hasn't changed all that much.  You see this commonly so, from the acquaintance levels up to M/s and or D/s levels in living together and after the honeymoon period is over--you find that you got into something you didn't bargain for.  Sometimes, life interrupts, illness, death and the like.  However--when two people grow to accustom to each other, it seemingly is a pattern to be aware of, that assumptions will be the other will stay and be contented.
I think those in the lifestyle newer to the relationship factor have a harder time staying matched but, after the first relationship -- the fantasy and romance of what M/s or D/s lifestyle is becomes more of what reality is; so the second and or following matches are more realistic, as its from experience one judges--not from wishful thinking.

As for anybody's profiles.  I do not even participate in threads who ask for advice on making their profiles or whatnot.  A profile is personal and that person should create it, own up to it and or be responsible for it; as well as to be responsible for the truth and or lies within it.  In my mind's eyes I see--I am responsible for my own happiness in finding a mate.  I don't like being a profile police officer.  That isn't my job.  However, I do support anybody who makes their standards and have occassional doubts based upon results.  To be 'yourself' is the best truth in all of us.
Flaws and all --being yourself isn't false.  It is a 'take it or leave it' proposition.

So, the question is--are we (in a general sense) too picky.  I do say, that some may swing to the absurd and some swing to the other extreme of not being picky enough.
But, one needs to be able to find a good match--not by my standards but, theirs and theirs alone.  And, the support to that needs to be acknowledged, as it really is a matter of finding one's bliss/joy/happiness.
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



Dang it LadyHugs, I just adore you.  Your posting here raises the caliber of these forums.
If I ever want to attempt to be a submissive, can I crawl to you?
Your online fan,
Mia [:D]



MzMia -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/4/2007 2:42:51 PM)

Wonderful post malesub!
I love to read your posts.
Ya know, I could write a profile to attempt to appeal to more submissive's.
It really is not hard, we know what a lot of submissive males are looking for.
I write my profile, as an expression of me.
I try not to complain, and just keep it light.
The question could also be, "Do we right profiles to ATTRACT others OR
do we right profiles attempting to show the world who we are?"
I think I see a new topic thread coming.
**2007? Bring it on***



chastityboyinOzz -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/7/2007 9:36:46 PM)

MzMia.

good luck to You. You sound like a wonderful Women to serve and adore. i hope You find what You seek in 2007.




LadyHugs -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/8/2007 10:14:08 AM)

Dear MzMia, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
MzMia, you asked if tempted and attempt submission, could you submit to me.
 
I would have to consider the intent.  There are many ways of higher learning and a higher level of submission then the act of physical submission.
 
The Council of Masters (Masters being a neutral title) comes to mind, where it is an exclusive group where only Dominants sit and hold round table discussions, support and education are exchanged.  The intent would be to make better Masters of all of us. 
 
Master's Tea also comes to mind.  A more informal exchange but, over formal tea; where slaves are in service and may be listening to the discussions.  It may cause some reservations in speaking freely.
 
In my mind's eyes I see, there is no surplus in 'academies' to touch on the higher levels of education within the M/s, D/s and BDSM community.  I also see the need for just Dominants and just submissive groups.  Mixed grouping is wonderful but, I see the division of both groups beneficial as to strip the 'role' identity and be with our peers and really 'get real' about issues, education, problem solving and or support.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



MzMia -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/8/2007 1:46:57 PM)

I don't think I could switch, Lady Hugs, I just admire you.



MzMia -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/8/2007 1:48:24 PM)

Thank you and good luck to you also, chastityboyinOzz.



slavebrandyj -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/9/2007 5:38:35 AM)

Believe it or not, some of us male submissives are just as picky. For me, maybe more so. I don't even get the concept of a ProDom, let alone ever be willing to submit to one. It's not that I don't see value in them, I do.
But to submit, or "play" submission, to just satify my itch for any kink and not have the loving bond I have to have is just a waste of time and empty to me. And this is in no way a slam to those that are Pros! You have your place in this lifestyle. But I will always be picky enough to seek something real. No amount of money can buy what I need and want.  
But then again, neevr have played with a Domme that I did not have some sort of deep feelings for, maybe even play as in a play party or munch will prove to be just as empty and a waste of time.
So it is not just Dommes that are picky. Some of us Subs are too.
But maybe I'll at least try the play without the love to go with it and see for myself.



mymasterssub69 -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/9/2007 5:53:28 AM)

i wouldn't call myself picky per se. what i can say i'm very selective since i know exactly what i want and how i want it.

i'm learning it's a wonderful attribute to have from my Daddy because He's very selective about things too.



slavebrandyj -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/9/2007 6:19:22 AM)

quote:

Dr. Phil is fine at what he does.  However, I am no Dr. Phil and I don't always agree with what he says and even in the lifestyle community, there will be moments when a person I may dislike says something that I will agree with.  It works with liking a person and disagree most solidly of what they say or do.  That is life.  That is what makes each person unique, as we (in general terms) march to our own drum beat.
But, please don't assume my post is a Dr. Phil moment.  I existed before Dr. Phil and Oprah and other programs.  I was born in a Black and White TV set era, and I already had the 80/20 formula.


Dear lady Hugs,
 
I am sure glad to know this is not a Dr. Phil moment. I watched one of his programs that infuriated me and showed me how narrow minded, closed minded and uneducated he is on the topic of the day. That was about us cross dressers. He was insulting and rude to the CD's wife and the CD. He is without a doubt an egotistical biased idiot in my book.  From that show alone, I have no respect for the guy. I'll leave it at that and be nice!~ lol 
 
Your opinions, and ideals and thoughts are much more insightful then Dr. Phil. I appreciate Your input and see your point even if I can't or don't want to agree with it all. You at least have class and a sincere desire to be helpful.
Dr. Phil? well....OK, I said I'd be nice! lol  
 
    



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/9/2007 6:58:47 AM)

quote:

- So nice to read Your words again.  Respectfully though, i am afraid i must disagree slightly with what You have said.  Having talked with You many times, and gotten to know You a bit as a result ... i am certain it would be impossible for a man to waste money on You - regardless the reason ;-)
Thank you ST but I think you misunderstood my intent, or I didn't type it very clearly...
What I meant to say is:  If I feel I have a good potential at a relationship with someone, than, I agree nothing (in terms of time, affection or resources) he spends on me is too much...  However, if I don't feel we have potential, I don't want to take from him that which he may need for himself, especially since I won't be replacing in any form by being with him, and taking care of business should the time come where he needed me to.   
It's good to see you posting again as well.     M



EnglishPortia -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/10/2007 10:35:23 AM)

I'm firmly in the picky camp. I have a clear idea of what I want and what I will work with, and what I will not. I don't like the idea of wasting both mine and a submissive's time on a relationship that ultimately won't go anywhere for either of us.

Having said that, I know I'm not perfect, and nor do I expect perfection from my submissive either. I'm looking for a relationship where we can both grow together, in communication, trust and ultimately love.

I don't expect my sub to look like Hugh Jackman (though that would indeed be nice [:D]) nor do I expect him to be the CEO of a fortune 500 company (although that would also be nice given the cost of latex these days). However what I do expect is someone who knows his own mind, is confident, reasonably intelligent, well socialised and looks after himself.

I simply will not devote my precious time to someone who I wouldn't want to be friends with outside the lifestyle. Maybe this sounds harsh, but it's a personal rule that I live by



golfguy -> RE: Ladies? Are some of us just too damn picky? (1/10/2007 2:57:00 PM)

In reply to being picky,i as a sub yet to find a mistress , that it makes me feel dommes are really concerned about quality and it makes me feel more trusting in a domme/sub atmosphere.unfortunatley,being picky can also be a negative depending on the situation.In mine its age.I am 71.I know that i started too late but life got in my way. im now ready to begin but cant seem to find a domme that will even interview me in my area(n.h.) If i do get lucky she will be one very fortunate domme and i a fortunate sub.My desire to serve and please is overwhelminglluck   to all.Be picky but thorough! golfguy



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