Telling your parents (Full Version)

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Presidentialwhor -> Telling your parents (1/1/2007 3:37:05 PM)

Okay, i think i made the mistake of telling my mom (not in detail) about my lifestyle. Needless to say, all i heard was negativity about how i am going to end up really hurt and maybe worse than that. i tried to be upfront about me, because that is how i usually am but somehow i think i went to far this time.

She is always negatively commenting on the sexual aspect on it and does not listen when i told her it was more to it than that. My Dom and i are people who just have a different way of life, but she just sticks with all this negative stuff and talk about how she knows i am going to end up hurt.


Has A/anyone else had to deal with something like this or any friends who dealt with something like this. i need some advice....or some words that i can possibly say.




sub4hire -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 4:13:24 PM)

I've never personally had this issue.  Though I have helped others with the situation in the past.
The key is to make some similarities in your mother and her companion to the relationship you have.
Normalize it for her.  If it seems normal she will warm to it sooner or later.
At least accept your relationship.



classykindasassy -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 4:29:29 PM)

OMG. What an oops. I know my family, except for my older brother, would never be able to understand, so I never let myself get in the situation of discussing it. As far as they are concerned, my relationship is vanilla.

If I were you, I would leave this subject alone and not get into it any more. If you continue to explain or defend, you will only deepen the mess. It is natural for a parent to love you and be concerned for your wellbeing, but in their programming I doubt they have the wherewithal to accept or understand what we do, how we make it safe, and why we want it.

If your mom brings it up, I would lovingly and patiently tell her that this is not something you will discuss any further, and not to worry about you, though you know she will. Change the subject. Don't bring it up if it does not come up. After a while, if you don't get into it, she may decide with relief that your interest in bdsm was a passing fancy.

I talk about a lot of personal things with my mom because we have that kind of relationship now. But bdsm will never be on the menu because there is nothing in her frame of reference that will embrace an understanding and a "live and let live" feeling. A parent tends to go in their mind to "What did I do wrong that my kid is this way", and neither of you needs more of that trip. 

Just say no to that discussion.




Rumtiger -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 4:32:59 PM)

It was pretty easy for me.

"Hey mom, i'm into that BDSM stuff now"
"k"

see?



Presidentialwhor -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 4:37:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: classykindasassy

OMG. What an oops. I know my family, except for my older brother, would never be able to understand, so I never let myself get in the situation of discussing it. As far as they are concerned, my relationship is vanilla.

If I were you, I would leave this subject alone and not get into it any more. If you continue to explain or defend, you will only deepen the mess. It is natural for a parent to love you and be concerned for your wellbeing, but in their programming I doubt they have the wherewithal to accept or understand what we do, how we make it safe, and why we want it.

If your mom brings it up, I would lovingly and patiently tell her that this is not something you will discuss any further, and not to worry about you, though you know she will. Change the subject. Don't bring it up if it does not come up. After a while, if you don't get into it, she may decide with relief that your interest in bdsm was a passing fancy.

I talk about a lot of personal things with my mom because we have that kind of relationship now. But bdsm will never be on the menu because there is nothing in her frame of reference that will embrace an understanding and a "live and let live" feeling. A parent tends to go in their mind to "What did I do wrong that my kid is this way", and neither of you needs more of that trip. 

Just say no to that discussion.






that is what i figured what was best. i dont know what i was thinking. i should have just told her i was in a relationship. i really feel angry that i told her or maybe i just really really regret it.


yeah, if i let it go then hopefully, she will also. 



LTRsubNW -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 4:39:48 PM)

I've decided I'm never going to tell your parents about my lifestyle.



justheather -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 5:09:08 PM)

My parents have gleened whatever they have about the dynamic of my relationship based on my interactions with my boyfriend, just as I have gleened what I know about their relationship dynamic by their interaction in my presence.
Since none of us make a practice of having sex in front of the others, I don't think that in my particular situation it would be appropriate or desirable for me to reveal anything more than the obvious (that I enjoy catering to my dom, that I defer to him in situations where he chooses to make decisions) with regard to power exchange and sexual kink.
I understand that some people's relationship with their parents includes the discussion of this sort of detail. Mine just doesnt.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, I guess Id just play it down as much as possible, allowing them to see you and your significant other in situations where you are happy and interacting in a healthy way. Eventually they may catch on that the relationship dynamic is not pathological simply because it is not typical.

Different Loving is a good book about power exchange and kink, but you would have to judge whether your parents would be open to reading it.



Celedane -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 5:23:33 PM)

I was fairly dense as a lad, seriously so, but I knew my uncle was gay.  He never came out and told me, it was just an 'almost sure, pretty damn positive, yes he is (but I'm leaving room to be wrong)' hunch.  As our relationship has grown in recent years, I asked him about who he is and outing himself.  And while it's no pearl of wisdom per se, he said I let people think of me what they will, I don't feel a need to tell them intimate details of my life, unless it directly affects them.  So, if you're not a good looking male friend of his, and you don't ask him, he's not going to tell you he's gay.  He doesn't have that kind of need to let people know, either in an inflammatory 'in your face way', or a 'I need to tell you, so you know' kind of person.  Being that his and my relationship with most of our family is the same, I won't be coming out of the BDSM closet with my family either.



sublizzie -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 5:48:59 PM)

Being a mom and a daughter I can say that sometimes parents need time to assimilate information. Our first reaction is going to be to protect our young. Doesn't matter that my oldest is 26 years old or my youngest is 21. I still go into protective mama-bear mode. My mother and I had a discussion about being submissive women. I told her I had decided that I was basically submissive. She said she was too. Granted, our definition of "submissive" is slightly different, but it worked with her because I knew she would be able to handle the word I used.

Give your mother a chance to do some research on her own. Let her worry it over in her head until she's figured it out. She may go after you a time or two, but if you can calmly give her some basic, vanilla-ish type instances of WIITWD, she may come around.

BTW, not all mothers react the same. I have no problem with both my oldest and youngest being Domme, but none of us discuss details with one another. None of us want to know *that* much about the others intimate lives, thank you very much!



mellian -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 6:53:10 PM)

Meh, my found out when I had my first relationship and she was like *shrugs* it is your life to live it as you please.

I won't be telling my father unless he found out in some other way considering still hasn't accepted one other aspect of my life yet.

-mellian



Miseri -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 6:53:12 PM)

Bravo on the guts to tell your parents.

I would never feel the need to share that information with my family, but I applaud your openess.

I do tell all of my friends, though.



mellian -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 6:54:36 PM)

I have many twisted friends and rest that I care about will end up finding out from my livejournal anyway, and they haven't ran away from in horror or anything like that, which means they are okay with it. Yet for having good friends!

-mellian



Stephann -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 7:02:33 PM)

My Dad and my girl's folks will never know what we do.  It would be like trying to explain cats to a dog person.  Approaching parents on the BDSM topic is best done the way you would explain your children.  You don't use any of the lingo, you don't try to explain much, and you stick to the basic "I'm really happy with my new boyfriend!"  Unless you have a very close relationship (I might discuss it some with my Mom one day) with said parent, it's best to be a hands off topic.

Stephan



LadyMargurite -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 7:04:44 PM)

I was raised around this, My mother being a switch. I started reading the Gor novels by John Norman when I was 15...lol....What is basically comes down to is this...How good your relationship is with your folks, and is ths something they can handle? If your feeling as if you dont believe they can then it is probably wise not to share....but if your relationship is a great one and they could handle it then by all means share it with them...who knows, maybe you will be the one to get a shock when they tell you they are into it too....



mellian -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 7:05:08 PM)

Yet, sucks hiding things from family because of their intolerance. If they do not like it, well whatever, but if they put you down for it or disconnecting you from their lives, then it is their problem, not yours, and they just end up proving they really are not family.

-mellian



Presidentialwhor -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 7:13:09 PM)

Well, i always thought of her to be open. i guess i was wrong. i am going to try and play it dow...i was thinking about the next time SHE comes to me about it, i am just going to tell her that it was just a phase that i was going through. Hopefully, she will let it rest. i really dont know what in the world i was thinking. i guess it doesn't matter that i was drunk when i told her. Maybe that will help me out. 

*smh* i just hope i could recover from this.



sublizzie -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 7:17:16 PM)

Eh. Most parents are pretty accepting of their kids eccentricities. Maybe if you give her some time she'll be okay with it. Or at least not bug you about it.



Littlepita -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 8:10:29 PM)

I told my sister and I fairly certain she told my mother. However my mother being the type of woman she is would never come right out and ask about it. She will ask me if I'm OK, if I'm still in love and happy, and does he treat me right. I can tell by her inflections that she knows much more than she lets on. I'm perfectly happy to continue this way and NOT go there in any kind of details.



mymasterssub69 -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 8:15:15 PM)

i personally will never tell my parents, family and friends because some or most of them wouldn't understand and are deeply devoted in the Christian faith. though it is similar to BDSM lifestyle since God is the Dominant Master and the believers are the submissives.

however if i ever explained in full detail, my head would be hurting from all the Bibles whacking me. they would consider this as a sin and i would burn in hell for being part of this sexual deviant act ...where i should repent my sin and follow the way of the Lord...

sorry about that - was raised in a strict religious background and everything about sex (especially outside the marriage) is a sin as told me since i was 13.





MasterFireMaam -> RE: Telling your parents (1/1/2007 8:18:56 PM)

Your mother is reacting the to pictures in her mind and is not willing to hear that it might be different. That she does this has no bearing on you or the rightness, or wrongness, of what you do. It has everything to do with how she handles "her stuff". You cannot control her stuff and how she acts.You are in charge of how you react to her actions. She acts based on her stuff, you react based on your stuff. If you feel that this is a part of who you are, be that person. If your mom doesn't accept it, that's her stuff and her thing to worry about, not yours. If she continues to treat you poorly due to this, you will have to set some real boundaries and may even have to decide if you want to distance yourself from her.

Master Fire



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